Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I want a baby but my partner doesn't! Help!

49 replies

LadyJaneV · 03/04/2019 23:15

I'm 27 and have been in a relationship with a much older man for nearly 8 years. He has a son who is now 17. I assumed parental responsibility of him very early on as he lived with his Dad, my partner. Over the years we have talked about the prospect of having children together on and off. When I was 20 he said we could have a baby, I said no I wasn't ready and I had to complete my professional training so that I have a career of my own. After that time he said he wasn't keen on the idea of having a baby. About two years ago he had a change of heart and said we could try for a baby. At this time I had just started a new job and said I wanted to wait 6 months until I passed my probation. After that he changed his mind again. This issue has finally come to a head again and we have reached a cross road. He is resolute that he doesn't want a baby and I am resolute that I want one. His son is independent now and my partner is looking forward to being free of ties. Whereas I am now ready to start a family. I have spent 7 years raising his son and have sacrificed many things in doing so. I don't resent his son for this and I love him very much, but I'm now feeling like I have no choice but to leave the life I have built in order to get what I want.

He is also suggesting as an alternative to children that I should give up my job that I have worked very hard for to essentially retire next year. He has offered me a very luxurious and free life as an alternative to a family. I know this won't fulfil me. I love my job and I'm from a big family. He keeps telling me I made my choice when I was 20 and it was then or never.

Has anyone been in the same or a similar situation? I feel like I know that I have to leave my life but I'm terrified of the unknown. Help!

OP posts:
MARATILLY · 04/04/2019 00:57

I’ve not been in the same situation, but I can only advise that you really listen to what your instinct is telling you. Maybe take a weekend away on your own and do some really hard thinking. You need to really ask yourself if staying with your partner and not having a baby will lead to big regrets later down the line. I hope you can reach a decision. Just know that if you do feel that there is no future in your current relationship, you will deal with it if you believe what you are doing is the right thing.

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/04/2019 01:35

So he keeps you dangling on a string promising a baby all the time he needs you to look after his son you are helping him with his son, then once his son is grown up and capable of independence, your work is done and he can be honest about how he doesn't want another one. I suspect he never wanted one in the first place but just said he did to keep you sweet. It was always a bad time for you when he said let's go for it, which makes me think he knew you'd say no whenever he offered.

If it's a deal breaker for you (and it would have been for me at 27) then I think you know what you need to do. The good news is that time is on your side regarding having a baby with someone else one day in the future if you do decide to leave him.

Thanks

CallItLoneliness · 04/04/2019 02:18

I find it interesting that the only times he wanted to have a baby with you were times when it would have meant tying you down and making you more dependent on him. The early retirement is the same thing--you would be completely dependent on him. Tread very, very carefully OP, I don't like the way this man operates.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2019 02:20

It's time to leave him and you know it. Don't waste another day.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2019 03:04

Agree with Calllt, he offered a baby strategically, to impede your independence or at the least when he knew you'd say no so he seemed reasonable.

Now you're getting older, the teenager is nearly grown and he's suggesting that instead of a baby you give up work and be entirely reliant in him. And you're not even married so when he dies you'll likely get stuff all and have been out of work for years / decades.

If you want a baby, leave.
If you don't want a baby, at least don't quit work

Dana28 · 04/04/2019 03:13

Now my kids are all teens and twenties, the though of starting again with a new baby would horrify me_ so I can see where he is coming from ! If he doesn't want another baby then that is his right but he needs to be aware that you do not feel the same way and his refusal might mean losing you.
The

Fridasrage · 04/04/2019 03:54

Leave.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/04/2019 03:57

Move on. Yes it will be hard for a while but it will be much harder to deal with the resentment 10 years down the track when your options are more limited

Daenerys77 · 04/04/2019 05:10

If you go along with his master plan, your life might be luxurious but you won't be free, you will be tied to a controlling narcissist.

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 04/04/2019 09:02

Hi OP
Don't give up your career that you love to retire without a baby, you will regret that in 10 years. I would also ask to move this to the relationship board.

MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 04/04/2019 09:35

Hi there all,

We're moving this to relationships at OP's request. Flowers

m0vinf0rward · 04/04/2019 10:36

You can't make him want a child. If he's significantly older he's probably done with having kids, lord knows I wouldn't want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights after yrs of having grown up kids. If it's that important to have a baby...leave, just don't lay an ultimatum on him, they never work out well. Having a child needs to be a joint decision that you are both 100% in agreement and it's clear that he's not. Respect his choice or leave to find someone else. It really is that simple.

blueskiesovertheforest · 04/04/2019 10:40

Move on. You're only 27. This one's run its course and it's time.

PazRaz10 · 04/04/2019 10:47

You are still so young, and I would be worried that you will regret staying with him later in life. You want different things - and I agree that he wants to make you very dependent on him. Don't give up everything, which he is asking you to do - your independence, your career, your chance to be a mother,
The unknown is scary, but at 27 you are years ahead of you to do what truly makes your happy.
A friend of mine left a very long term relationship for a very similar reason - and has recently got married and is so happy. She's made her own decision to now not have children (she'ds now that bit older) as she has two step children who she adores and feels that their life it complete as it is. But it's her decision, not that of someone else.

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 10:49

I think it's a good thing that he doesn't want a child with you.

You should not tie yourself to this man. He has wanted a baby when you haven't for 2 possible reasons

He knew you would say no so it was easy to say he was ready.

Or he was attempting to stop you progressing in life and hoped the prospect of a baby would stop you

Either way he is a twat.

Walk away.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2019 10:50

Op, look back at this, he only ever wanted you to have a baby when you were doing something for you, education, job, and now he is doing it again, wants you to quit and be reliant on him

His behaviour is manipulative and controlling, but subtly so.

How old is he?

happilyevernever · 04/04/2019 10:52

I’d leave if I were you OP, this man seems to only want you to have a baby when it means you’d be vulnerable and reliant on him. And now he’s doing this by offering you a life without work where you’re reliant on his money. You’re young enough to have DC in the future

BerrowHarm · 04/04/2019 12:03

Sometimes I think the reason very much older men get together with much younger women is for control reasons rather than youthful beauty.

He’s now trying to lure you with the carrot of living an easy comfortable life without working - but it will be on his terms only. You’ll have bugger all NI contributions when it’s your time for a state pension, and no chance to build up a private pension. He could change his mind or you could get ill, and he could turf you out, as not married and you would be homeless. He could die suddenly and the son could turf you out.

Also with him 24 hours a day being retired in your 20s - it will seem like your life is slipping away.

Sarahjconnor · 04/04/2019 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarahjconnor · 04/04/2019 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummmy2017 · 04/04/2019 12:32

Your not married, he will leave it all to his son and you will be in the mire . He has already show he matters more than you.

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 12:43

I think this is the risk when you get together with an older man. You were 19 when you met him! How can he offer retirement to you at age 27? Fortunately that does not sound like an attractive prospect to you. I think it’s time for you to move on.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 04/04/2019 12:58

Leave him

MadameAnchou · 04/04/2019 13:02

He used you. He took advantage of your youth and lack of experience to rope in some convenient childcare. Fuck him off. He's full of shit. You're not even married to him. You have time to find someone else. Do *NOT give up your chance to have children for this twat. Find somewhere else to live and move out. Don't fall for this again. Avoid older men with kids.

MadameDD · 04/04/2019 13:08

Leave him.

It all depends on the man when/if they want DC. I've known a man (married) in his early 50s who had 4 DCs with his much younger DW - he already had 2 DC from a previous marriage and 1 DD from an affair. I know one man who had a DS with his SO when he was 40 and had at the time 3 DDs of various ages living with them both.

I was in the situation of being with a boyfriend who said he did/didn't want DC to please me before I met my DH - in late 30's, he had a teenage DS and felt he was 'done' with raising DC, we split up not because of that issue but partly and he's now with his DW who has 2 young DC and a slightly older DS.

You're not married so at his mercy when it comes to security via him and he won't have DC with you so I'd 'leave the life I live in order to get what you want' as you say in your OP. He's done very well getting you to accept parental responsibility for his DS too!

Swipe left for the next trending thread