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Relationships

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Original poster

I want a baby but my partner doesn't! Help!

49 replies

LadyJaneV · 03/04/2019 23:15

I'm 27 and have been in a relationship with a much older man for nearly 8 years. He has a son who is now 17. I assumed parental responsibility of him very early on as he lived with his Dad, my partner. Over the years we have talked about the prospect of having children together on and off. When I was 20 he said we could have a baby, I said no I wasn't ready and I had to complete my professional training so that I have a career of my own. After that time he said he wasn't keen on the idea of having a baby. About two years ago he had a change of heart and said we could try for a baby. At this time I had just started a new job and said I wanted to wait 6 months until I passed my probation. After that he changed his mind again. This issue has finally come to a head again and we have reached a cross road. He is resolute that he doesn't want a baby and I am resolute that I want one. His son is independent now and my partner is looking forward to being free of ties. Whereas I am now ready to start a family. I have spent 7 years raising his son and have sacrificed many things in doing so. I don't resent his son for this and I love him very much, but I'm now feeling like I have no choice but to leave the life I have built in order to get what I want.

He is also suggesting as an alternative to children that I should give up my job that I have worked very hard for to essentially retire next year. He has offered me a very luxurious and free life as an alternative to a family. I know this won't fulfil me. I love my job and I'm from a big family. He keeps telling me I made my choice when I was 20 and it was then or never.

Has anyone been in the same or a similar situation? I feel like I know that I have to leave my life but I'm terrified of the unknown. Help!

OP posts:

MadameDD · 04/04/2019 13:15

BerrowHarm - it doesn't even have to be very much older men with much younger women.

I knew a male friend who in his 30s and mid-late 40s was dating women much younger in their 20s and/or having platonic friendships with several younger women including me! His behaviour towards these women was almost like teaching them, so he told me, about anything from fashion to how they should behave etc, on which he did actually have some good points. But he almost didn't expect them to think too much for themselves - when one SO of his decided to get a job abroad and leave (he'd been violent in their flat) he was furious at her in his words 'sneakiness'. He finally settled down and got married to a woman the same age as him partly as he admitted to me - he was finding it harder to meet younger women - or they were getting a bit wise to his tricks and wondering why a seemingly eligible older man hadn't settled down and had DC by his age! Didn't stop him from contacting me a few years ago whilst he was married trying to get me to meet and have an affair with him - I didn't!

GraceMarks · 04/04/2019 13:37

Get out of there now.

He met you when you were 19 and obviously saw an opportunity to have both a live-in nanny and the social prestige afforded to him by parading a much younger girlfriend around.

You've been very sensible to not capitulate to having a baby when he wanted, but you sound intelligent enough to realise that he only offered at these times because they would essentially have put a stop to your independence. I doubt if he ever really intended to have a child with you, as that would have meant that he would have been financially obligated to you for the rest of his life, and I don't think that's figuring in his plans for the future.

He has used you as childcare for his son, and you've obviously poured a lot of yourself into this relationship, but don't let that keep you there. Look up the sunk-cost fallacy and escalation of commitment and stop letting this manipulative man make your life decisions for you.

stacktherocks · 04/04/2019 13:58

Why would you even want to throw your life away retiring young anyway? From a career you enjoy and have worked hard for? Being retired is essentially becoming unemployed, just in a more comfortable financial position. At 31 I can honestly say if my partner offered to retire us and for me to quit working I’d say no chance. Work brings so much: achievement, satisfaction, making a difference, being needed, structure, independence, socialising, mental stimulation. It’s weird he’s trying to swap something you do really want, a child, for giving up your work.

Anyway, that aside, you have an incredibly simple decision to make.

In order to have children you both have to want it. He doesn’t. So you can’t until or unless he changes his mind.

You have to decide whether you’re willing to gamble. You could stay and hope he changes his mind for a shot at a baby with this specific man, but you risk ending up childless. Or you can leave and have a child with someone else or on your own. At 27 you have time to meet someone else and have kids. But not enough time you can fanny around waiting for him for years without compromising your fertility.

At 27 I wouldn’t stay with a man who didn’t enthusiastically want kids like I did at that age. I was in your shoes and we split up. We had no other choice. I moved on and met someone else and at 31 I’m now TTC with a wonderful man who is desperate for me to carry his child and to have a family together. This wouldn’t have been worth giving up for any man.

Babdoc · 04/04/2019 14:10

It’s always difficult to face the fact that you’ve been used, and played for a fool, when you thought you were loved. But don’t cling on to this one sided relationship hoping to make it worth all the years you’ve sacrificed so far.
You are young enough to have plenty of time to meet a decent man your own age who definitely does want children with you.
Don’t ever again move in with a man and provide free childcare, when he won’t marry you, give you any financial security and doesn’t want children with you. This relationship had red flags draped all over it.
Gather up your pride and your self respect, find your anger at being used, and channel that energy to power you walking out on this man.
My best wishes for a much happier future.

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 14:34

You're so young...move on. This man wants you to be financially dependent on him. Every time he said he wants a baby was to hinder your studies and career development.

Now you're independent and have a career..he's ba tracking and offering you a situation which makes you dependent on him and financially vulnerable.

This man isn't nice. He's used you and wants to make you financially dependant to control you. Money is power....he fears that you having your own money gives you independence and self empowerment.

How is giving up work a substitute for having a baby.

I presume he's nothing short of a millionaire..to even consider for a nano second this would entice you!

Leave him. Quickly

SeeeeMoreStars · 04/04/2019 16:01

This man is stealing your youth and your future.

Sculpin · 04/04/2019 16:06

He sounds awful OP.

"He keeps telling me I made my choice when I was 20 and it was then or never" - that's not how it works! Hardly anyone is ready to have a child when they're 20! And what's the betting that if you'd turned around age 20 and said "ok then" he'd have suddenly changed his mind.

His offer of lots of money won't ever make up for not having a child.

Original poster

LadyJaneV · 04/04/2019 19:07

First of all, thank you for your supportive words. It has been so helpful for me to read each post and get a different perspective.

For those of you asking his age, he is 50, 42 when I met him and 50 seemed a life time away. I was obviously very young and initially saw dating him as an adventure. It then got very serious quite quickly. He was going through a very acrimonious divorce when I met him and he was having difficulties with his business. I suppose I was a breath of fresh air. The troubles and turmoil (to put it lightly) continued for 5 years. Things then improved dramatically and our (his) financial position was suddenly very different. My support, encouragement and childcare defiantly played a part in this major life change. I was suddenly thrusted into a different world. With that he changed. Perhaps another midlife crisis. But for those of you who have mentioned control, this is an issued and this became worse with more money. Thankfully I stuck to my guns and qualified in a professional career am able to support myself financially and never gave up the friends which he would have preferred I had.

I feel as though my younger years have been stolen living (respectfully) some very "adult" problems and it is time for me to move on. He will not change his mind on children and frankly I'm not waiting any longer.

Thank you for all of your comments.

OP posts:

Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 19:09

You are doing the right thing. Good luck.

Sculpin · 04/04/2019 19:10

Well done OP. It's really sad but I don't think you have a choice

YukoandHiro · 04/04/2019 19:16

OP that sounds like a very wise and mature decision you've come to, however painful it may be in the short term.
You now have time and freedom to follow your own heart and dreams and not rush into things while still leaving the possibility open to family. Good luck!

Jessgalinda · 04/04/2019 19:30

Your younger years haven't been stolen. You chose this.

I don't say this as a judgment. I say it to remind you that you have the power to choose not to do it any longer.

I was in a similar situation and once you realise that you have to the power, it's easier to do the hard bits.

stacktherocks · 05/04/2019 06:45

Nobody stole them OP! You willingly gave them. And that’s okay; you’ve learned lessons and are still young enough to turn it around. All I can say is his dick must be made of diamonds for you to have invested so many of the best years of your life in helping him through his own messes like divorcing and raising a child.

Beware of the ‘fine I’ll have a baby if it means not losing you’. It’s a living nightmare having a child with a reluctant partner. Missing out on the experience of having an involved and enthusiastic father during pregnancy and beyond.

ukgift2016 · 05/04/2019 07:18

He keeps telling me I made my choice when I was 20 and it was then or never

That is hilarious.

another20 · 05/04/2019 07:46

You have achieved so much despite him. You sound like an amazingly determined and powerful woman - take that somewhere else. Don’t waste any of your finite emotional energy on resentment to him as that will waste more years of your life and it will divert it from having fun and meeting the father of your children. Reconnect with you friends and family - tell them it’s over and that you need them - they will be delighted to have you back.

Footle · 05/04/2019 08:20

Easier said than done but it's time to move on. I hope you can stay in touch with your stepson as you must be very important to each other.
I would be so sad to see my daughter living a much older person's life. Retirement, ffs! Go and get on with your own life.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/04/2019 14:42

He keeps telling me I made my choice when I was 20 and it was then or never

The fact this is bollocks is one thing. But people are allowed to change their minds ffs!

redastherose · 05/04/2019 14:54

Good luck, you are making the right decision. He sounds manipulative and narcissistic, telling you that you made your decision. It sounds exactly like PP said in that you were free and convenient childcare when he needed it. These sort of traits often seem to come through with increased earning potential. I bet you anything he won't admit how much his prosperity at work has been benefited from you being there to help with his Son. Men like this never do!

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:45

He keeps telling me I made my choice when I was 20 and it was then or never

Haahaaa! He's talking out his hole, OP. You're not even married and even if you were, you could divorce. I did when my ex h said he never wanted children. He's not your dictator, the knob.

MadameAnchou · 05/04/2019 18:51

Please move on! Find another place to live this weekend and get out. He's a controlling arsehole who used you. You know better now. Fuck him off. You've done so well for yourself. You can do this! He's just looking to keep his convenient doormat to himself.

BlackSatinDancer · 05/04/2019 18:58

I have a family member who is married to a much older man who had already had a child. She is extremely Maternal and in the early days of being together they did discuss having children together. He later changed his mind and she felt she had to decide whether to forgo children or find a new partner. She stayed because she loved him and they do have a happy relationship. I do feel a little sad for them though as they are both wonderful with other people's children.

BlackSatinDancer · 05/04/2019 19:01

You have said you know you have to leave your life. It probably won't be easy at first but the rewards will be worth it when you have a baby with a partner who wants the same things out of life as you.

stacktherocks · 05/04/2019 19:26

The fact this is bollocks is one thing. But people are allowed to change their minds ffs!

Exactly. He’s benefited from being allowed to change his mind too, as he of course should. OP could just as easily fire back ‘you made your decision you wanted a baby when I was 20, so that’s that’ if she were feeling childish.

Middersweekly · 05/04/2019 19:53

I have to agree @OP it does seem like you were a convenient form of child card for many years. I can also see it from his POV that he probably does (quite rightly) feel too old now to have any more children! He was selfish to string you along for years but the good news is you are still young and have built a good career! Definitely don’t give up your career and aspirations for him. You have time to find another life partner who shares the same ideology as you!

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