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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it time to quit

49 replies

Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 21:43

So been with my partner 10 years some happy some not,anyway we've had lots of problems lately I don't trust him due to finding out he's on dating websites in the past..hes just recently started going out with friends getting drunk not coming home till 6am in the morning says he's fell asleep when I ask why he didn't text to say he wasn't coming home all he says is he can do what he wants when he wants and it's nothing to do with me,tonight after a row he said he's only with me as we have a 10 year old son together...help me I feel hurt and don't know what to do

OP posts:
bigchris · 03/04/2019 21:49

It's time to quit

I'm so sorry but eventually you'll be happier without him

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 21:57

The thing is I love him dearly and what's been said tonight has shocked me to the core..how do I unloved him

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 21:59

I can't imagine life without our family unit,feel broken,me and the kids will have to leave as it's his house

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 03/04/2019 22:07

What's your housing situation?

He is undoubtedly cheating, which i'm sure you already know.

The most important thing is to maintain your composure and self respect, ask yourself what you want from your life and a partner.

I think its time to end it personally, this is not an exclusive or loving relationship.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/04/2019 22:11

Its not really a family unit though is it, more you acting as a single parent and him acting as a single man.

You dont need someone else propping you up op, especially not someone who disrespects you.

Is this what you want for your life?

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:14

I live in his house,hes adamant there's no one else,says he prefers spending time with friends rather than his family,everything he does when he's not working involves drink,,his phone is constantly hidden in his pocket if it's ever left around and u go near it he goes crazy saying it's private property and not to touch it...i feel sorry for our child as she adores him

OP posts:
Socratease · 03/04/2019 22:20

What do you love about him?

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/04/2019 22:23

Ok lets present the evidence for cheating....

-Phone locked down and goes crazy if you go near it
-stays out all night
-on dating sights

And the evidence against....

-He says he didnt

Hes lying to you OP....

If you continue wirh this eventually it will eat you up inside and you will be in no fit state mentally to parent.

You won't stop him seeing her will you, so its not like she wont see him.

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:29

not on dating sites ATM but was when I found out I made a fake profile up and had a conversation with him on the dating site while I was sat in the same room as him,,he even arranged to meet me..this happened 4 years ago,, TBH I think he's a pig I don't know if I do really love him or if I'm afraid of being on my own

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:30

Moving out uprooting the kids having to start again,, scares me

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 03/04/2019 22:30

You're afraid of being on your own I suspect because why would you stay with a man like this ?

PickAChew · 03/04/2019 22:31

You love a version of him that isn't the real him.

Don't quit. Sack him.

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:32

I keep hoping he will change, grow up,be a family man

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:33

And can you believe he's just got in bed at the side of me 🙁

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 03/04/2019 22:34

He is a pig and you and dd deserve a happy and stable life. You can do this OP!

Its hard sometimes can't lie but its such a weight lifted when you dont have to deal with all the crap anymore and will just you and your girl making happy memories.

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:35

I just feel so hurt

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 03/04/2019 22:35

By "no one else" he means "no one I'm ready to leave you for ... yet". Flowers

Bin him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/04/2019 22:36

He wont OP, its been 10 years and hes nowhere near family man.

However if tou broke up with him you would have the chance to find one!

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:37

I would have to go to the council for a property that could take forever,i have nowhere else to go, so I would have to stay here and I don't think I can cope with it tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:44

When I ask why he doesn't come home or let me know he's gonna be late...always the same excuse, I forgot,, or I was that drunk I didn't know what I was doing, or just having a gd time with the lads...i ask if he thinks that's fare and I get "it is what it is"he always says it won't happen again, but then today he said it's gonna happen more often

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 03/04/2019 22:44

Im sorry for your situation. Do you have any family who can support you?

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 22:49

ye I have family,,but I couldn't move in with them they just havnt got the space,they will emotionally support me, they've been telling me for years he's good for nothing

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 03/04/2019 23:07

Ok well good you have family to support you. do you have a job ? can you get some money together and make plans to leave and rent somewhere? He would have to pay you maintenance. End of relationships are hard i know but the alternative is to stay and become so ground down by unhappiness. If you leave you can take control and you and DD can be happy in future. You might feel its a weight off. Sometimes we dont always appreciate the strain we are living under...

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 00:03

You need to make plans for your future.

In the meanwhile...disengaged emotionally from him. Don't ask where he is or when he'll be back.

Focus on yourself and your DD.

Build up a support network and a social network. You need to start doing things for yourself. A fitness class one evening...or catching up with a friend...or something else.

Stop making him the centre of your life, when he has shown he doesn't care.

Play your cards close to your chest. Occasionally go away to your family for a night or weekend.

If he wants to act like a single man...and do what he likes...so can you.

You'll feel relief when you stop giving a damn.

eve34 · 04/04/2019 06:05

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My ex did the same thing six months of staying on friends sofas. He finally left me and had ow lined up.

I would of done anything to put it right. But he had stopped loving me long ago.

It hurts and still does nearly 18 months on. But you deserve better.

See your gp. Going to housing and start getting a plan. I know it isn't what you want but in time you know it is for the best.

My ex's is still with his gf. His life is a car crash. I'm grateful I'm not part of it. It is very sad. He isn't the man he use to be and all down to the drinking I believe.