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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it time to quit

49 replies

Itstimetoquit · 03/04/2019 21:43

So been with my partner 10 years some happy some not,anyway we've had lots of problems lately I don't trust him due to finding out he's on dating websites in the past..hes just recently started going out with friends getting drunk not coming home till 6am in the morning says he's fell asleep when I ask why he didn't text to say he wasn't coming home all he says is he can do what he wants when he wants and it's nothing to do with me,tonight after a row he said he's only with me as we have a 10 year old son together...help me I feel hurt and don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 04/04/2019 07:04

Thank you all,yes I do work part time,ive got 3 kids at home 16,12 and 10,i think the hardest part will be taking the kids away from there home,i can't afford a private rent currently living in dartford and it's so expensive and there isn't much social housing available so I know it will be a long wait,,can't believe this is happening feel physically sick

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 07:34

What if he told you he wanted to end the relationship? You'd have to move out and find somewhere else to live.

Are all the DC his? Or just the youngest. His current behaviour is a poor example to your DC. Your 16 yo if a boy will model that behaviour and normalise it. If the 16 yo is a girl, she'll see how you're treated and potentially think that's also normal.

You caught him on a dating app...doesn't matter how long ago, but he's shown you who he is... why do you think he isn't seeing someone now? Because him denying it can't be taken as truth.

When you emotionally detach yourself, you care less and his actions don't affect you so much.

Could you increase your hours or get another job? Do you have separate finances? I was just wondering if you knew what he spends money on.

You might find this useful.... take what parts suit you.

When your spouse/partner is showing they don't care or respect you or you suspect they are cheating.... this is useful.

  1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
  2. No frequent phone calls.
  3. Do not point out good points in the marriage or relationship.
  4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
  5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
  6. Seek support from family members.
  7. Do not ask for reassurances.
  8. Do not say “I Love You”.
  9. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
10. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 11. Don’t sit around waiting for them – get busy, do things, go out with friends, etc. 12. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without them. 13. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back 14. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse/partner happiness and contentment. 15. Never lose your cool. 16. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 17. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 18. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 19. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 20. Be strong and confident. 21. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever 22. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 23. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
JeezOhGeeWhizz · 04/04/2019 07:36

Yeah it's over.
You shouldn't let anyone treat you like dirt.
Are you afraid of being single?

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 04/04/2019 07:43

I don't know if I'm afraid of being on my own,yes only the youngest is his,i know the children are picking up on the atmosphere my eldest keeps asking me why I'm sad 🙁

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 04/04/2019 07:47

It’s time to quit
Your son will not benefit from being in a family unit in this way
Move your partner out or leave yourself
Take your time to organise money work etc

Be free if this relationship as it’ll only get worse

RestingBitchFaced · 04/04/2019 07:59

Yes it's time to move on. Do it now, and in a year's time you can look back, and be glad you moved on. Or do nothing and you will still be in the exact situation you are in now. It definitely sounds like he's cheating on you, and is not showing you any respect at all. Start trying to save some money, and looking for your own place

RestingBitchFaced · 04/04/2019 08:01

You mentioned that you can't afford a private rent, you may be entitled to some housing benefit towards the cost of your rent, worth finding out about?

NASA20 · 04/04/2019 08:01

He wont change, he's said to you he would prefer to be with his friends than with you and his family, doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?
If he truly loved you and was a decent human being he would have grown up already.
Yes he's cheating.

Could you not go to your mums/dads/other family until you get emergency accommodation? If you and your 3 kids are at your parents house and none of you have bedrooms that's classed as an emergency and you'd probably have accommodation within 2 weeks.

Put you and your kids first, you don't love him you just love who you think he could be if he grew up but he's not going to and your wasting your years being unhappy with an awful person.

NASA20 · 04/04/2019 08:03

Also you would get Universal credits, help with rent, reduction to council tax, you'd have your wage (if you work) don't feel like you would have nothing there's plenty of support out there. Listen to what PP's are saying, nobody is saying stay.

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 04/04/2019 08:20

Thanks for advice he is moving out today till I get a place sorted.im dreading the rollercoaster of emotions that are gonna come

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 04/04/2019 10:51

Now he's decided to stay in the spare room and all of a sudden he seems angry agitated ,,and for some strange reason I don't feel anything just had breakfast and I'm feeling good is this wrong x

OP posts:
eve34 · 04/04/2019 11:12

That's good you are moving forward. Put in claim for benefits as a single person and get to the housing office. Show him you are in control of this situation. And you are no longer tolerating his bad behaviour.

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 04/04/2019 13:03

He's got the day off,so I've decided to go out for lunch..still no feelings 🤔

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 04/04/2019 13:24

No housing benefits any longer you’d need to claim UC

To be honest don’t make yourself homeless, you stay in the property.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2019 13:35

No housing benefits any longer you’d need to claim UC

To be honest don’t make yourself homeless, you stay in the property.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2019 13:44

When he moves out, make sure you get his forwarding address so you can him taken off the council tax and get 25%off

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 13:59

That was a quick turn of events. He's probably wanted out of the relationship for ages, but was gutless to tell you and hoped you'd get the message by the way he treats you and you'd pull the plug.

lifebegins50 · 04/04/2019 14:03

Just be prepared for a range of emotions.

Keep saying to yourself you deserve better. There will be sadness, fear and grief but it does get better.
Too many women suffer this deep unhappiness due to fear of the future. There will be a way to move on, small steps and everything will fall into place.

NASA20 · 04/04/2019 14:04

He's probably feeling annoyed you don't want him anymore.

Its a good sign you don't feel anything, you know this is right. You may feel uneasy until you get your own place for you and the kids but once that happens you can start to rebuild your life and feel happy again. Good luck.

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 04/04/2019 14:26

He keeps trying to talk and be nice but I just can't be bothered with him,,on the upside I've been for lunch spent time with family it's been a gd day...

OP posts:
Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 05/04/2019 10:51

I wish I could fast forward a year

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 06/04/2019 18:33

How are you Op?

Original poster
Itstimetoquit · 06/04/2019 22:56

I'm OK trying to keep out Of The way,he made it hard today kept saying he hopes I die but saying it in front of our child,just hope I get my own place soon.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/04/2019 00:47

kept saying he hopes I die but saying it in front of our child

This is abuse. His behaviour is horrendous. I'd tell him he can feel how he wants about you, but if he ever says anything like that in front of your child, you'll be raising it with the authorities as a safeguarding issue, because it's child abuse.

What will he say about you in front of your child when you're not there.

I'm sure the school can support you with this.

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