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Original poster

Am I being mean?

47 replies

Whereswalley · 03/04/2019 13:32

Background - I am divorced and have ds11.

I have been with current DP for nearly 3 years. We don't live together.

DP has 4 children from his previous relationship. He earns an OK salary (around 50k) but obviously having 4 children is expensive and the majority of his money goes on his children (rightly so).

I earn less than DP (35k) but I have worked hard to get where I am today and had years of being skint, paying childcare costs and similar. Now I have more disposable income DS and I like to go on holidays abroad and weekends away.

DP thinks I'm being unfair by doing this as he can't afford to take his DC abroad. We go on days out all together and spend time together but DS and I also go on holiday on our own. My viewpoint is he chose to have 4 children and not many people can afford to take 4 children abroad! I can't afford to pay for all his DC to go.

AIBU? It's a bit of a bone of contention between us as we are thinking about moving in together, but I don't think it's fair that my DS should miss out on things because he can't afford to do them with his children. I'm hesitant about living together to be honest.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/04/2019 13:34

YANBU! He chose to have 5 dc, you chose to have 1. Why doesn't his ex take them away?

negomi90 · 03/04/2019 13:39

Don't move in together while you have this money disparity.
While living apart you're being perfectly reasonable to take your ds on holiday. Separate money - separate budgets.
Once you live together, you cannot take your child on a holiday your dp can't afford to go on. Nor could he come on holiday with you and your ds, but not take his kids somewhere comparable.
The money issue stops you moving in while the kids are young, I'm afraid.

HopefulAgain10 · 03/04/2019 13:40

Yanbu if this is his mentality then I can foresee many, many issues down the line. Why would you spend your money on 4 other children?? Or why cut down on your ds luxuries because it's not fair to them. Ridiculous, he and his ex need to pay for their own kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2019 13:41

You’re not being mean and you shouldn’t move in together. Don’t doubt yourself. Why would he want your son to go without?

Nowordsleft · 03/04/2019 13:43

You would need lots of discussions about how it would work if you moved in together. Do his children live with him?

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 13:44

I don't see how you're being unfair by going on holiday with your son. He sounds like a knob. Don't move in with him

adulthumanwolf · 03/04/2019 13:44

Do not move in with him.

You did not have 4 children, and you and DP are not married. Enjoy your trips with your DS.

Musti · 03/04/2019 13:45

I think that it would be nice to both save up to go away together. Maybe look at camping in France? And then also do separate holidays?

SkinnyPete · 03/04/2019 13:46

You're not being mean. You shouldn't have to subsidise his kids (they're his and someone else's!), and you shouldn't have to compromise with your own.

You rightly do stuff together, and I hope you only pay for your child and he pays for his.

I think you probably need to have a tough talk. He needs to accept that you're a blended family, not a single family. He's acting like he thinks it's a single family. That means you're responsible for the health, wealth and development of your own child, not his.

Now, you'll certainly help each other out where it's possible no doubt, and in some blended families thats more than others, because every situation is different. No one is obligated though, and no one should be asked to compromise with their own kids.

Good luck.

Original poster
Whereswalley · 03/04/2019 13:52

You are all saying what I'm thinking.

I presume that his ex can't afford to take them away either, she only works part time.

I'm also concerned about finances if we did move in together. I have a mortgage and I worked hard to buy my own home way before DP was on the scene. So I want DS to be the one to benefit from everything I've worked hard for. Just as DP's children should benefit from DP.

We don't want to get married by the way and we don't want any more DC together.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/04/2019 13:54

That's terrible. He wants you to stop doing things with your child because he's jealous and can't do things with his?

You need to nip this in the bud immediately. What a horrible horrible man.

Musti · 03/04/2019 13:57

I disagree. You've been together for 3 years and I'd want to do stuff together. It feels a bit mean and not right to exclude his children because he can't afford to take them. I'm not saying that you shouldn't do things with your own kids but after 3 years look at doing something special all together. Maybe go on a Haven site or camping or something that's more affordable and fun for larger numbers?

magoria · 03/04/2019 14:01

You don't even live together and he is telling you what you shouldn't do with your money!

It is good this has come up now so you know better than to move in.

Pinkmonkeybird · 03/04/2019 14:04

Big red flag for me IMO. I wouldn't move in with this man. If he is resentful of you spending your money on your DC for a nice holiday, then what else will he come out with in the future. Just because you have managed your money well and have an expendable income to quite rightly spend on you and your DC how you want is quite frankly, none of his business.

Pharlapwasthebest · 03/04/2019 14:05

I think it's actually important that you have that dedicated one on one time with your ds, and at the end of the day it's your choice.
Yanbu.

Hanab · 03/04/2019 14:06

Nope I agree with OP!

There is no law that says you HAVE to do anything! You enjoying your hard earned money on your DC is perfectly reasonable! This have to to this have to do that is BS!

You are not in a legally binding relationship. What is your is tour what is his is his ..

You can spend however you like and if he can’t afford to do such things with his kids .. he should ask ex to contribute toward it or get a secondary job.

It is not your obligation to spend on luxuries for his kids. That being said if you can afford to spoil them I am sure it will be appreciated.

Please do not move in with him now. You know money is an issue and if you join finances everything will be split and his kids will obviously get the lions share as they are 4 ..

If you do move in together ( correct me if I am wrong ) he can still have a claim on your home, pension etc ... and pre nups are not legally binding in the UK ?

Once you make the move to become a unit .. me and my kid and you and your kids become us and our kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

FriarTuck · 03/04/2019 14:06

I think it would be nice to do some bigger things as a whole (not clear if you do manage the odd cheap holiday all together?) but I don't think you should stop your stuff with DS because he's your responsibility, and I don't think you should move in because otherwise DS will miss out just because DP can't afford it and you can't afford to pay for all of them.

diggitydamn · 03/04/2019 14:33

I think you have a pretty bald choice here: 1) not move in with DP and give ds the childhood you can afford and want to give him, including nice trips away
2) move in with DP and give your DS an equivalent childhood to your DPs kids as far as possible.

You can't really do seperate holidays for you and ds once you're living as a single household with DP and his kids as that would be unfair. Whilst you live apart though, I don't think it's mean to carry on as you were before and live life as your own finances dictate. Life isn't fair and I'm sure DPs kids have friends/cousins etc that live different lifestyles to them and they probably don't think twice about it. They'll only feel hard done by if your dp is going away with you or he's making a big thing about it being unfair in front of them.

So the question is, would your ds benefit in other ways from moving in with DP which would outweigh the loss of holidays etc?

LemonTT · 03/04/2019 15:08

I don’t have a problem with it if you don’t live together as a family. But I’m not with you, he is.
If he is annoyed now then his expectations will only increase as the seriousness of the relationship increases. You are clearly not prepared to meet these expectations. So maybe not the right person or don’t advance things until his youngest is 18 or 21

IvanaPee · 03/04/2019 15:11

I really don’t think you should move in with him.

You’re not wrong, of course. But moving in together will muddy the waters and blur the lines even more about this.

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2019 15:14

Tell him he has 15k more than you to do his share of holidays with.

SkinnyPete · 03/04/2019 15:15

You can't really do seperate holidays for you and ds once you're living as a single household with DP and his kids as that would be unfair.

I don't agree with this. I think it's reasonable if OP and DS go away with DH and DSC now and again like once a year. I think if they had entirely separate holidays that would be a bit weird and unfair though.

QueenofallIsee · 03/04/2019 15:16

Don’t move in with him OP! You can’t afford to support 5 kids on your combined salary and that means to live as a family would be a serious downgrade in terms of you and your sons lifestyle. I have 4 children and my DP has 3 - we live together and are a blended family. I wouldn’t have done that if I felt that my kids would be disadvantaged by the arrangement no matter what.

SkinnyPete · 03/04/2019 15:17

*without

Singlenotsingle · 03/04/2019 15:25

If you want to keep your house for yourself and DS, do not marry this man, and do not put his name on the deeds. Problem is that the non-owning person then starts to get resentful that you own the house and he doesn't. This can cause problems.

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