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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being mean?

47 replies

Whereswalley · 03/04/2019 13:32

Background - I am divorced and have ds11.

I have been with current DP for nearly 3 years. We don't live together.

DP has 4 children from his previous relationship. He earns an OK salary (around 50k) but obviously having 4 children is expensive and the majority of his money goes on his children (rightly so).

I earn less than DP (35k) but I have worked hard to get where I am today and had years of being skint, paying childcare costs and similar. Now I have more disposable income DS and I like to go on holidays abroad and weekends away.

DP thinks I'm being unfair by doing this as he can't afford to take his DC abroad. We go on days out all together and spend time together but DS and I also go on holiday on our own. My viewpoint is he chose to have 4 children and not many people can afford to take 4 children abroad! I can't afford to pay for all his DC to go.

AIBU? It's a bit of a bone of contention between us as we are thinking about moving in together, but I don't think it's fair that my DS should miss out on things because he can't afford to do them with his children. I'm hesitant about living together to be honest.

OP posts:

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 15:41

@Whereswalley
I'm joining the chorus to say don't move in with him (you're already having doubts, so listen to your Instincts).

Lines will get very blurry regarding, for example finances (already started and you've not even moved in yet), expectations eg around your role and responsibility regarding his four children vs your DS.

I have worked hard to get where I am today and had years of being skint, paying childcare costs and similar. Now I have more disposable income DS and I like to go on holidays abroad and weekends away.

DP thinks I'm being unfair by doing this as he can't afford to take his DC abroad.
This ^^

In your shoes I'd prefer to keep things as they are, completely separate properties and finances and continue the relationship if you both want to continue seeing each other but, frankly I think you and your son have more to lose than gain if you blend your families.

Ohyesiam · 03/04/2019 15:45

Do you holiday together at all,Camping or whatever?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/04/2019 15:45

If you're to planning on getting married or having more children together, I wouldn't bother moving in. There will be financial disparity between the two of you, and you would end up paying more towards his 4 kids when they stay with you (share of bills/food etc).

If you're happy living separately, just continue doing so. I think the pros of keeping separate houses definitely outway the cons of living together.

Keep enjoying your home and your holidays with DS. You've earned them.

Ohyesiam · 03/04/2019 15:45

I mean all the kids too

SandyY2K · 03/04/2019 21:36

DP thinks I'm being unfair by doing this as he can't afford to take his DC abroad.

So because he can't afford to take his children abroad, you shouldn't take your child?

Another vote of do not live together. It will be a disaster because he's so resentful.

Sosayi · 03/04/2019 22:11

My husband has two boys I have one DS
They are all grown up now but I used to take my so. On homidsubon my own without DH and his boys. . I would also go on holiday with my family and my DS without DH
DH would take his boys away on his own most years till they were about 14! - 15 years old
But there was no way I was going to stop doing stuff with my son that I did before I met and married DH
Luckily DH wasn’t an ass about this and never had a problem with it

LordNibbler · 03/04/2019 22:46

So he wants to live together?
Doesn't seem that great an idea. He wants all the children to have the same, but at your Ds's expense. I can't see it ending well.

MumUnderTheMoon · 03/04/2019 23:03

YANBU what you do with your money and your child isn't really any of his concern. You don't live to feather or share finances. Why should your son miss out on things that you work hard for?

Darayan20 · 03/04/2019 23:07

He is weird if you work hard it's for your kid and your self
it's not fair on your neighbors kids ,your son classmates in this case that your son get to travel and not them same thing instead of asking you that he should look for a second job instead of asking you to pay for his kids such a fool but no doubt he really loves his kids
Keep your money for your kid he is the only one that deserves it and make him happy

Darayan20 · 03/04/2019 23:10

You will move inn together he will save his money and make you pay all the bills and shopping because well he can't afford 5 kids and you then you too you won't afford taking your son anywhere

whohaa · 03/04/2019 23:11

Is 50k an 'ok' salary?

Original poster

Whereswalley · 03/04/2019 23:26

Thank you all for your responses. To answer a couple of qs, we haven't been on holiday all together, we all go on days out to the cinema/park/theme parks and similar.

DP doesn't come on holiday with ds and I. Camping is something we could definitely look into.

I think I will hold off moving in for now. He wouldn't move into my home, we would buy a bigger place together to accommodate all our DC. But I feel that I don't really want to sell my home at the moment and go halves with DP on a place.

Yes I guess 50k is more than an OK salary but it doesn't seem to go far with 4 children.

You've all given me lots to think about.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 00:09

I don't really want to sell my home at the moment and go halves with DP on a place.

It's not in your best interests to do this.

Gingersstuff · 04/04/2019 00:51

If you move in with this guy, you and your son will lose much, while your DP and his 4 kids will gain much.
He’s already being an asshole about this. I would leave things as they are.

HollowTalk · 04/04/2019 00:58

Think about it. It will be 5:2 if you live together.

magoria · 04/04/2019 09:37

If you buy a place to fit the whole family and you go halves you will be paying massively more from a smaller salary.

Plus he will be getting the benefit of anything from the sale of your house towards the new one.

Please think this through very carefully and make sure your finances are sewn tight if you do this.

It would be better not to as it seems all given on your side with you and your DC losing out.

mummmy2017 · 04/04/2019 10:11

That is not true, lots of people manage 5 kids on 35k...
If he can't afford holidays on 50k... Then he spends to much on himself ...

PinkCrayon · 04/04/2019 10:15

You dont live together, your money is your money, his money is his money. You dont share any bills, He has no reason to tell you how to spend your money.
Do not move in with him.

mummmy2017 · 04/04/2019 10:53

I keep thinking if you move in with him he will want you to afford holidays for 7 people...

Myheartbelongsto · 04/04/2019 13:23

I have 3 children, boyfriend has 1. We all live together and we are getting married. I take mine on holiday every year, started in 2014. Boyfriend and his son stay at home. Works for us.

MadameAnchou · 04/04/2019 13:33

Do NOT do this! Don't move in together. He's controlling and you have to put your son first before any man and such a move would seriously jeopardise the roof over his very head. It would be the worst financial decision you could make to do this.

Life's not fair.

Honestly, I'd tell a guy who tried to dictate to me like this to sling his hook. He chose to have 4 kids. Not your lookout.

mrscampbellblackagain · 04/04/2019 13:37

I personally in your situation would keep him just as a boyfriend. So quite casual, no living together and no expectation on either of you to support the other or their children financially.

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