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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still friends with wife-Am I being unreasonable?

27 replies

SlippyInvader · 03/04/2019 10:29

Hi all, I've been in a relationship with a chap for 2 years but have known him for around 5. He was married for almost 40 years with 4 grown up daughters, he's actually still married but obviously separated as we're living together in a different part of the country from his family. I get on okay with all his family including his wife and he's still friends with her. My only grievance is that he's on a family Whatsapp group which includes his 4 daughters and his wife, so whenever he posts something his wife can see it and interact with him which I'm not comfortable with, quite often we'll be sat watching TV of an evening and his phone is buzzing away up to around 20 times which could be just his daughters interacting but it makes me feel uneasy as I don't know whether it's his wife or not he's talking to. When I bring it up to my partner he insists he rarely speaks to her but I don't know that and I don't ask to look at his phone. While I'm pleased they're amicable I have asked him not to have contact with her now he's with me but he says he sees her as just a family member like one of his daughters and that he has no feelings for her like a husband and wife should have anymore. As they've been together so long since being teenagers (they're now in their 50s) I can sort of understand they want to remain friends for the sake of the children (even though they're all in their 20's & 30's) but deep down I can help but think he may be taking me for a bit of an idiot, I've not asked anyone else for advice before and he does make me feel like I'm being unreasonable and difficult when I bring up the subject. Some advice would be nice please.

OP posts:

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/04/2019 10:31

Why is he still married ? That would concern me more .

Blobby10 · 03/04/2019 10:41

The thing is @SlippyInvader he will always be interconnected with his wife as she is the mother of his children. It isn't fair to ask him not to be in contact with her - unless they are spending time just the two of them having cosy chats etc when its a different matter.

My ex and I split under 4 years ago - we have 3 children over 18. We are often in contact via text, whatsapp, phone and email regarding the children. We are both on a family whatsapp (set up by the kids when we split up). We are both in a group chat with the kids without the other parent included.

He is getting married again later this year - his fiancee got upset last month when our son didn't want her or my boyfriend attending his 21st birthday meal. (My boyfriend didn't have an issue with it) As far as our children are concerned, the five of us are 'family' for special occasions. I don't know how long that will last for - it may change when they are older and have partners of their own. But new partners are not included - I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, just for context.

Please don't make him choose between you and his family. I'm sure he isn't taking you for an idiot but you do have to accept that when you have a relationship with someone who has children, however grown up those children are, that you won't necessarily become part of the existing family dynamic.

Clutterbugsmum · 03/04/2019 10:51

Yes YABU, you knew he was married and had children all be it that they are adults. He is still connected to his wife and family.

If you don't want or think he should be then perhaps this is not the relationship for you.

XJerseyGirlX · 03/04/2019 10:55

YAB jealous and U

You obv don't trust him, leave them to it as I don't think your mature enough for it and it will cause problems for his family.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/04/2019 10:55

Yes YABU here.
I don't see anything wrong with this.
If you do then maybe you need to relook at the relationship as it might not be the right one for you.

NWQM · 03/04/2019 11:02

I think like you I would be wondering why they have to be in much contact as children grownup.

Do you otherwise feel secure in the relationship?

pudding21 · 03/04/2019 11:02

I think you should flip this and thinhk how nice it is he is still on good terms with his wife and 4 daughters. She is clearly an ex for a reason, and he is open with you so its not like he is hiding it.

Him not divorcing yet would concern me more as you are living together. What happens if something happens to him, are you joint on the rent/mortgage together?

MIA12 · 03/04/2019 11:09

While I'm pleased they're amicable I have asked him not to have contact with her now he's with me

You aren’t really pleased he’s amicable with her if you want him to stop doing exactly that. They have four children together and will always be linked because of that. It’s controlling that you want him to stop speaking to her because of your relationship with him.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having a family group on WhatsApp so everyone is up to date with what’s going on.

caffeineplease · 03/04/2019 11:10

Apart from them not divorcing then I see you have two issues.
They are still friends and that's cool .. it doesn't happen very often. That's their business and imo shouldn't worry you.
But ... he sits on his phone whilst you're both relaxing of an evening? That would drive me mad. Have you asked him for a quiet time for just you two ? How would he feel if you were constantly on your phone?

MaybeDoctor · 03/04/2019 11:12

If they were in a marriage for 40 years then they are part of the fabric of each other’s lives. They probably know each other more deeply than any other living person.

It actually says a lot of positive things about him that he wants to continue this dialogue with her and with his children. To try to get in the way of this would be really unfair of you.

Original poster

SlippyInvader · 03/04/2019 11:18

Thank you all for your replies, it's been a great help.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/04/2019 11:20

I'd definitely sort out the legal side of things. If he was unwilling to get a divorce, that would worry me.
Yanbu to dislike the contact with his wife but the fact is she is the mother of his children and so far as the kids are concerned they are still a family and so still want a chat group which reflects that. They will always be a family and that is do much better for the kids than parents who are not friendly.

m0vinf0rward · 03/04/2019 12:53

Says more about you than him. You obviously have trust issues and exhibit controlling behaviour by putting conditions on his contact with his ex wife, which he needs to be able to do regards his children.

RhubarbTea · 03/04/2019 12:56

You're the one being unreasonable. Although it's odd he's not got a divorce.

Do you have any kids of your own? I get the feeling you don't understand how co-parenting looks in real life. It looks like this! Nowt wrong with what he is doing.

happyhillock · 03/04/2019 13:04

I have been divorced for about 30 year's 2 adult daughter's, while they were growing up we spoke occasionally regarding the girl's, haven't spoken to him in year's as there now adult's no need to, i wouldn't like it if my partner was txting his ex, why aren't they divorced? that would concern me.

StealthNinjaMum · 03/04/2019 17:12

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable, really unreasonable. He lives with you, not near to her, presumably doesn't see her very often. It sounds like you'd be happy for the daughters to have two WhatsApp groups, one for each parent, and they've have to make announcements twice. I can't see that going down well with them.

swingofthings · 03/04/2019 17:27

It really depends on why they separated. Did they both agree they'd grown to be just friends with no more romantic feelings and he met you after the seperation, then I don't you have anything to worry about, they are indeed just good old friends.

If however he had an affair with you and left her to be with you, there's always the risk that she is playing the 'friend' card whilst trying to get him back.

Original poster

SlippyInvader · 04/04/2019 10:16

'If however he had an affair with you and left her to be with you, there's always the risk that she is playing the 'friend' card whilst trying to get him back.'

That is the thing, she would have him back in a heartbeat. Yes he left her for me, he would only have to click his fingers and she'd come running back. She did tell me herself she'd always love him no matter what, he cares for her but has said he would never go back with her even if he and I split up.

OP posts:

Hadjab · 04/04/2019 17:39

“That is the thing, she would have him back in a heartbeat. Yes he left her for me, he would only have to click his fingers and she'd come running back”

And therein lies the crux of the matter - you’re worried that how got him is how you’ll lose him.

ItsWitchingTime · 04/04/2019 17:45

Was their relationship over before you got together or did he cheat on her with you?

Either way, regardless of your answer, yabu. You can't decide he has nothing to do with his ex wife because you don't like it. It's a family group chat, I'm in one with my parents and my siblings, it saves us having to make two separate messages/phone calls when we could just pop it in the group for both to see.

spritesobright · 04/04/2019 19:02

He left her for you and now you're worried he might not be very faithful?
Oh, the irony.

StealthNinjaMum · 04/04/2019 19:10

Ha ha that was an interesting dripfeed. You deserve to feel insecure.

SandyY2K · 04/04/2019 19:27

He hasn't divorced her for a reason OP.
It could be out of guilt... or it could be that he wants her to be the beneficiary of his assets.

Might be because it's a good excuse not to marry you.

I have asked him not to have contact with her now he's with me but he says he sees her as just a family member like one of his daughters

Well you can't control him. I'm not sure about her being a family member like one of his daughters though...he had a long time sexual relationship with her for decades.

he may be taking me for a bit of an idiot

How do you mean? Do you think there's something going on between them other than a platonic friendship?

You live far apart, so it's unlikely to be a physical thing if anything at all.

Tomtontom · 04/04/2019 19:31

How ironic that you, the woman that cheated with a married man, is worried about your partner cheating.

Karma is a bitch!

October60 · 04/04/2019 19:46

YANBU imo, OP.

A boyfriend of mine had a group WhatsApp with his ex and their grown-up children.

It did not help him move on - the group kept them in day-to-day mode, and worse than this, not even natural day-to-day mode as messages would pop up suddenly and unexpectedly, and often.

On top of this, it is not over for your boyfriend's wife. If the marriage is over, she must come to terms with letting go, but the group is enabling her to avoid this.

My ex and I have two separate WhatsApp groups with our adult children. Sometimes the kids duplicate subjects, sometimes not. It's no big deal for them, as someone upthread suggested it might be, and insignificant in the general divorce scheme of things.

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