Still friends with wife-Am I being unreasonable?

[SlippyInvader]

Hi all, I've been in a relationship with a chap for 2 years but have known him for around 5. He was married for almost 40 years with 4 grown up daughters, he's actually still married but obviously separated as we're living together in a different part of the country from his family. I get on okay with all his family including his wife and he's still friends with her. My only grievance is that he's on a family Whatsapp group which includes his 4 daughters and his wife, so whenever he posts something his wife can see it and interact with him which I'm not comfortable with, quite often we'll be sat watching TV of an evening and his phone is buzzing away up to around 20 times which could be just his daughters interacting but it makes me feel uneasy as I don't know whether it's his wife or not he's talking to. When I bring it up to my partner he insists he rarely speaks to her but I don't know that and I don't ask to look at his phone. While I'm pleased they're amicable I have asked him not to have contact with her now he's with me but he says he sees her as just a family member like one of his daughters and that he has no feelings for her like a husband and wife should have anymore. As they've been together so long since being teenagers (they're now in their 50s) I can sort of understand they want to remain friends for the sake of the children (even though they're all in their 20's & 30's) but deep down I can help but think he may be taking me for a bit of an idiot, I've not asked anyone else for advice before and he does make me feel like I'm being unreasonable and difficult when I bring up the subject. Some advice would be nice please.

I think you should worry more about the lack of a divorce. Has he sorted out his will. Do you know your legal position?

Do you know if there WhatsApp group predated the spilt?

You helped to dissolve a family.

I know that he is more responsible and if it wasn't you, it would have been someone else, blah, blah, blah. But it WAS you. You have absolutely no idea of the depth of pain that you probably caused his wife and children by screwing their husband/dad and essentially being the catalyst of him walking away from their daily lives. But whilst it's alright for THEM to suffer at your hands, there's no way YOU should be suffering, right?! Your feelings are more important, right?! She needs to fuck right off out of it doesn't she! Never mind what his daughters might need want. It's likely you'll be telling them to go to hell next - probably encroaching too much on your time with their dad!

I'm sure he is more in love/lust with you than his ex wife. I'm sure he does only view her as a friend. The spark doesn't last forever (a warning you should heed) and if his head is that easily turned, it's probably a good thing they split up. But if they're amicable then that's the best thing for their kids and you should butt the fuck out. Actually, if you force him to cut her out of the WhatsApp group, not only will his daughters resent you (and him) for daring to think you have a say after meddling in their family and causing it to implode. But he will also possibly start thinking about his ex wife MORE, if he has no access to her thoughts and feelings and sound bites. She will become mysterious. (Mystery is always attractive, isn't it)?! And at that point he might start to have some regrets...

If you want to "win" that badly then you should leave well alone and let him decide what's right for his ex and kids - after all, he upended their lives for you and if he feels guilty and treats them better because of it, then that's the least he can do!

There's no point getting all put-out and possessive now; play stupid games and you win stupid prizes. And you won yourself a good old booby prize here; you're with a man who happily walked away from his family to be with you. I'm sure that made you feel very special and powerful and fateful at the time, but it's now sinking in that you could be on the receiving end of this one day. And it's scary isn't it?

Feel that fear. You deserve it.