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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I get abusive text messages like this all weekend from my ex. Not sure what to do.

67 replies

Nobodyelsewillbethere · 03/04/2019 07:53

Just that really. We were together 3 years. Broke up 5 months ago. I ended it because he was addicted to weed and coke, neglected my dd's tortoise until it died, borrowed thousands off me and treated me like absolute shit. He didn't even respond for a few weeks when I finished it. The 'shit things that happened' to me that he is referring to, are getting my bones broken by my ex husband and raped as an 11 year old.

Awful timing but I met someone 6 weeks after we finished, I wasn't looking at all. I had a 3 year plan to be single. Believe me I have tried to fight it but he makes me really happy. It's a new feeling to trust and feel safe with someone. We are taking it VERY slowly, only see each other once a week and I am constantly checking for red flags and there hadn't even been one slight Hmm moment. My ex found out a month ago and the abusive messages started at that point.

I block his number every time but he just sends me the abuse from a new number. Any idea what I can do? Reading these messages is like torture to me as I already dislike myself and I wish I could say I don't listen to my ex or internalise the things he is saying but I do. It's got to the point where I'm thinking I should just end my new relationship so my ex backs off?

I get abusive text messages like this all weekend from my ex. Not sure what to do.
I get abusive text messages like this all weekend from my ex. Not sure what to do.
OP posts:
troubleswillbeoutofsight · 03/04/2019 13:04

And once you change your number never answer your phone to anyone who you don't know. If it's important people will leave a message

Bobbycat121 · 03/04/2019 13:07

This reply has been deleted

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RomanyQueen1 · 03/04/2019 13:10

go to The Police and ffs keep to your 3 year plan.
One abusive relationship after another, you are in no position to have more relationships until you have had time to work out why you attract men like this.
Concentrate on you and dd relationship for a few years.

Beesneeze82 · 03/04/2019 13:19

I had very similar messages from my ex husband. Even down to some of the phrases he's used! Not possible to change numbers as we have children together but it is written into our child arrangements order that he must not send me abusive or pestering messages.

You have my sympathies because it's very stressful to receive such correspondence. Repeatedly at any hour, into your personal sphere, to your mobile, into your living room or wherever. Obviously he's spouting bitter nonsense that you absolutely should not take on and internalize. The messages say far more about him than you.

Do not reply. Learn to laugh at what a sad case he is in needing to contact you in this way when you've moved on.

minmooch · 03/04/2019 13:27

Block and report to police.

Having read your previous threads I would second a pp and stick to your 3 year plan. Have time on your own to build your self esteem, to raise your bar at the height it should be set, to learn boundaries and how to stick by them, to recognise red flags and act on them.

You would do your dd a favour by showing her that her mum can live happily single without a man in her life.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 03/04/2019 14:08

Agree with *RomanyQueen1, stop jumping from relationship to relationship and prioritise your daughter. You have no idea yet if the new guy is what he says what he is, it's only been a few weeks and you're convinced he's a good guy already. Don't they all start out that way?

notacooldad · 03/04/2019 14:12

Bobby thanks for the nice bit of shaming there
Is it heck shaming. Stop being dramatic.
Its the first thing the majority of people would have done when they realise he was dying different numbers to access you.

IvanaPee · 03/04/2019 14:13

Go back to your three year plan.

Change your number.

Isohungy · 03/04/2019 14:14

But how would you ever spot a red flag only seeing him once a week?

Come on, OP. You dont want your daughter posting on here as an adult about her mother who never put her first because she couldn't be alone for more than a matter of weeks. Focus on your DD. Get your shit together.

Im sorry for your past, and your ex is indeed a complete dickhead-new number needed and speak to BIL definitely. But you gotta help yourself here a bit, do it for your daughter.

BobTheDuvet · 03/04/2019 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 03/04/2019 15:38

I'm sorry Bob but blocking the guy's number would be the first thing most people would have thought to do. It's not shaming

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 03/04/2019 15:45

@PutyourtoponTrevor RTFT. She has blocked his number. He keeps messaging from new numbers.

gamerchick · 03/04/2019 15:48

Go to the police station, show them the messages and ask them to have a word. I wish I'd done it sooner when I did.

They usually back off at that point.

Bittern11 · 03/04/2019 15:54

Police. Ask them to send someone round to speak to him. You're well rid. What a tosser.

cliquewhyohwhy · 03/04/2019 15:58

Change your number, delete social media for a short time and speak to your family member who is in the police.

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 16:10

@Nobodyelsewillbethere
You have mainly had constructive advice from other PPs which I hope you'll take.

I'd also say take a screenshot of the messages your Ex has been sending and keep them in a separate folder online (Cloud, other email address etc) in case needed for legal purposes at a later date.

Sorry yes, I'd also agree that you need a period of time without another man in your life to completely focus on yourself and your DC. Six weeks from splitting with your Ex is a very short time between relationships especially when your last one was so negative.

Also if you've had no counselling for yourself you may wish to consider a few sessions to help you process what has happened to you in your life do far, including your abusive Ex because you are still vulnerable.

PurpleTrilby · 03/04/2019 16:24

Bobby and any others who think it’s okay to demand why someone didn’t ‘just’ do something in the past, here’s some free advice: it’s a really, really bad idea to ever, on any post asking for advice, to say ‘why didn’t you just xyz a month ago / at the beginning / whenever?’

This is for two reasons: 1. OP is feeling really vulnerable and in need of help and if she feels the remark was shaming, then it damn well is. You don’t get to define how she feels about it. 2. Nobody ever gets helped by demands to know why they didn’t ‘just’ do something in the past, they can’t very well go back and change it, can they?! Also, actually thirdly, and more generally, saying ‘just’ in that context means the questioner think it’s simple, that the person was too stupid to do that in the first place. It’s a word guaranteed to immediately make me think and say, it’s not as simple as that.

Original poster
Nobodyelsewillbethere · 03/04/2019 17:47

I honestly did not think to change my number. It's happened the past 4 weekends and each time I've blocked the number. It just didn't come to me that I should change mine.

I know you are all right re the new relationship too. I'm keeping him at arm's length for a reason, and I ended it before because I'm not ready. It sucks that I can't be with someone because my faith in men is fucked but that's the way it is.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 03/04/2019 17:54

Well, and also because relationship hopping is not good for you or for your child.

AnnieCat84 · 03/04/2019 18:05

Changing your number isn't always the end of it. So I don't believe it is the most obvious thing to do!

A close friend of mine has been through an almost identical situation with her ex. He constantly send abuse and would change his number or use his mates phone to get through to her. She changed her number TWICE, yet he still managed to get hold of it. He was very manipulative and would get it from family members or friends. She now has given it to only a select few people she can trust. Be very wary of this if/when you do change your number!!!

Bobbycat121 · 03/04/2019 18:13

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Intohellbutstayingstrong · 03/04/2019 18:27

FFS Bobbycat wind your neck in. You are starting to sound like an absolute cunt. The OP is clearly feeling vulnerable.

BobTheDuvet · 03/04/2019 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2019 18:48

Since he already using multiple phones to call you, he will just find the new number anyway he can.
Better to just ignored and block...
Or just reply thank you.
Nothing else ever .

SaskiaRembrandt · 03/04/2019 18:53

I think your friend probably gave it again and isnt being truthful, how else do you get someones number again who has changed it

If you'd read further you'd have seen that other people were giving to it him.

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