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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's wrong with my dad? Advice needed

40 replies

TheresaMaysuckmybum · 02/04/2019 22:33

Namechanged for this.

Since my lovely (apart from this!) Dad has retired, my family and I have noticed some concerning/frustrating behaviour and we dont know what to do. I thought perhaps it might ring a bell with someone on here. He is early 60s. I'm not sure if the below has always been there except now we notice it more, or if it has happened with older age (but he's really not that old!) Either way we are worried. And need management techniques if it's just him being an arse!

  • He now talks at length (never did before) and endlessly - but usually only about himself. He uses almost everything as a jumping off point to talk about himself and will turn unrelated conversations round so that he can relate a long anecdote about himself.
  • He does not listen to anyone ever. If anyone says anything in conversation, he will simply pause, wait for them to finish speaking, then continue with what he was saying (about himself!) without acknowledging or replying to what has been said. We have all commented on this and he doesn't care or notice and continues the behaviour.
  • He has started 'mansplaining' everything to everyone - topics he has no knowledge or experience of whatsoever - to an extreme. He seems to hear every comment about anything ever as 'Please explain x to me, I don't understand it.' E.g. legal things to my sister who has 20 yrs experience as a lawyer (he has no knowledge of law and is a plumber by trade), stuff about my brother in laws business he has no knowledge of whatsoever, how to bake cakes to me who is a baking fanatic (he's never baked anything in his life!). It's men and women. If anyone says 'Yes I know I'm a lawyer', or 'Yes I know that why are you explaining this are you listening helllooo' he doesn't seem to hear it or acknowledge it and continues on. Nothing will stop him explaining. I once tried four five times repeatedly. Because he doesn't listen or acknowledge comments or people's reactions, as above. Highly irritating and rude!
  • He has been getting obsessed with weird stuff on the internet like conspiracy theories and will research this at length then talk at people about it. He does not care if people disagree or try to offer alternative opinions (some of this is CRAZY stuff) he just goes on and on, not seeming to realise you don't agree and are not interested. He's always been a logical person but now seems very easily led. If it's on the internet, he believes it and recounts it as fact.
  • He does not notice people's growing frustration with his boring chat or offence at his rudeness or any of the above. He will not be stopped or interrupted. He simply does not notice or listen to anybody else. He never asks anyone about themselves or seems curious about others. It's all about him explaining or talking.

There is nothing wrong with his hearing btw, my mum made him have it checked!

All of the above is so exhausting. And upsetting. And frustrating. Interested to hear if anyone has an ideas of what's going on and how to make him stop (bearing in mind he won't listen in normal conversation).

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
GoFiguire · 02/04/2019 22:37

Your dad has retired and is therefore no longer validated by his job so he is desperate to retain his relevancy by being patronising and superior. He will soon start shouting at the TV and will join the Lawn Bowls Club only to leave when they don’t like his Hollywood Bowl style of playing. Flowers

Original poster
TheresaMaysuckmybum · 02/04/2019 22:42

Oh goodness @GoFiguire it sounds like you speak from experience?! That does make sense. He previously ran a company so perhaps he previously bored his employees with his advice and we never knew. Any tips on making it stop without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:
GoFiguire · 02/04/2019 23:16

None at all, because nothing can be done. He will start aggrandising his past soon so learn how to nod like one of those dashboard dogs.

PurpleWithRed · 02/04/2019 23:22

God how ghastly. There could be 30+ years of this to come. Was he like it with dm before he retired? As he doesn’t do subtle how about moving on to overt rudeness “dad be quiet, you are being rude and boring” and/or leaving the room? I don’t think you need to worry too much about his feelings, he clearly doesn’t give a toss about yours.

SeaToSki · 02/04/2019 23:30

2 options, either it is the early stage of some sort of mental deterioration or he is so completely bored that he is latching onto anything and everything to keep his mind busy.

So try and get him to “un-retire” and keep himself busy and engaged insomething productive

If that doesnt work and he continues, try an honest talk with him and suggest he visits the GP

SleepWarrior · 02/04/2019 23:32

If it's really out of character (not just a more intense version of the man he was pre-retirement) I'd be exploring things that can cause personality changes, such as dementia.

Letterkennie · 02/04/2019 23:33

My Dad has gone like this! He’s 74. All he wants is for someone to talk to but it’s ALL on his terms. He’s a lot better if he’s talking 1:1 but in a group he’s like this. We’ve told him and he seriously has no fucks to give.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 02/04/2019 23:39

Do you have a local Men's Shed?

We used to get a lot of newly retired men start as Cab advisors...

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2019 23:44

Yes agree with PPs - retirement has hit him hard, he feels utterly devalued, and is being horrifically irritating and patronising to counteract that feeling.

I don’t know what the answer is. Other than to continue to say, very matter of factly: yes I know dad, I bake every other day and you have literally never baked.

And then walk off.

He need a new avenue, a new thing to learn, a new group. He sounds lost and horribly annoying

klroberts · 02/04/2019 23:45

Sounds like he is getting bored at home after a lifetime at work. Try and help find him a hobby that will keep him busy and out of the house and give him more people to talk to.

QueenBeex · 03/04/2019 00:14

Wow I'm exhausted by him for you op only advice I have is maybe suggest he has too much time on his hands lately and should do something to help focus his mind, there's so many volunteering opportunities that you don't have to commit a large number of hours a week to, that way he would be out the house, focusing on something other than the internet and even if he does still talk non stop, at least he'll be doing it somewhere else for a few hours a week!

QueenBeex · 03/04/2019 00:17

If he continues to talk at you non stop and not seem to care that you aren't interested in the conversation I would literally get up and walk into another room. any time he starts talking AT you and not letting you contribute to the conversation just get up, say nothing and walk out the room

Singlenotsingle · 03/04/2019 00:32

Sounds like he's got some kind of dementia tbh.

LightDrizzle · 03/04/2019 00:38

I’d want to rule out dementia/ Alzheimer’s too. As described, it’s pretty extreme. My mum is very similar but she’s 85. However even she can be stopped in her tracks, just not without causing great offence and tears.
Your dad’s total lack of awareness or reaction when called out on it, doesn’t sound right.

unicornsandponies · 03/04/2019 00:50

Sounds very much like early dementia. My elderly mother has been getting slowly worse with exactly similar symptoms for years. It's exhausting and doesn't improve. GP referral is advised although if he's like my mother he'll refuse to go.

ScarletBitch · 03/04/2019 01:40

You sure your not talking about my dad OP? Lol! I totally understand. My dad however has always been like this. My mam pacify's him, I just ignore him! I do not know what to suggest, perhaps your Dad is bored and misses working?

Torridon19 · 03/04/2019 02:17

He's got to be kept busy - and that means classes at the local college, volunteering esp. with his innate skills which will be very useful to others in the community, and meeting others outside the normal social circle.

LadyB49 · 03/04/2019 02:29

He sounds a bit manic......

Would be consider getting a dog. Give him responsibility and a purp ose. Take it out for long walks.and to training.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 03/04/2019 02:35

He sounds exhausting

Tell you what though- I bet he’d be a good tour guide or National Trust volunteer- he might enjoy telling people the same thing over and over again... I’m actually being serious though - he needs a hobby or to volunteer. If he’s been a plumber maybe something to do with industrial revolution tech - do you have a steam railway or something like that that needs volunteers near you?

Hope you can get through to him

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 02:56

That's quite a drastic personality change. I think you need to take him to a doctor.

humblebumble · 03/04/2019 02:56

This sounds like my Dad. It started in his 60's but now he is 80, so it's been 20 years. My poor mum. All his children have told him very directly (after years of being subtle) how overbearing he can be. He can behave very kindly and nicely with me but with my poor mum he is horrific.
It's like a sense of entitlement based on post war nostalgia. It's kind of weird.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 03/04/2019 03:15

Sounds very like my dad tbh, although he's not newly retired, it's been years. It does my head in! Sorry I can't offer any advice, we just smile and not nod while listening to the same anecdote about Linda from the office from 30 years ago that no-one else knows.

We do pick him up on the cinema thing, because it infuriates me, even though I know how irrational my fury is. We've not long had a baby, we used to live going to the cinema, had monthly passes so were there maybe 6-7 times a month if possible.

Obviously we don't now. He still ask us if we've seen a particular movie and is always shocked when we say no, or he recommends we see a movie because it's good and expresses shock that we'll likely not manage. It's like he can't remember what it's like to have a small child!

GoFiguire · 03/04/2019 06:53

Don’t tell him that you want to see a film because if he has seen it first then he will give you a scene by scene re-enactment until you want to stab him in the eye with a fork.

It’s not dementia. It’s a massive ego and an inflated sense of self importance. Get him off to somewhere else where he can become the new expert in his field.

I know. Tell him to write his autobiography. But it needs 17 drafts, obviously.

Original poster
TheresaMaysuckmybum · 03/04/2019 10:21

Thank you so much everyone for all these thoughts. We are worried about dementia but I wouldn't call this a dramatic personality change exactly - because in all other ways he is the same? We will monitor him though. He still seems sharp, it's more he's become self-obsessed and blind to others. He's not forgetful or acting strangely per se. Did you parents with dementia just have this one talking / not listening symptom at first or were there other signs?

Having a set phrase and getting up and going away is a good idea. I'll tell my siblings.

I think those saying boredom / needs to feel relevant / important could be onto something. On the topic of volunteering he has previously said why would you do this just when you've begun to rest after a lifetime of working, but maybe things have changed now, hence this behaviour, so I'll look into this again! (NT/railway a good shout, thanks. My parents have one near them they go to. Also the Sheds.)

Sympathies to all those who have similar dads. I have started to wonder if I need a klaxon to sound when he is doing it if speaking does not penetrate. I do feel if we just all sit passively and let him do it it's bad for everyone and will ultimately cause resentment.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 03/04/2019 10:22

What about the OU? There are some free courses he could look at, and hopefully something might pique his interest. Ok, so he might start lecturing everything about that but at least it'd be something new.

The other thing would get him into volunteering. Board of a local school or playgroup? Parish council? Local church PCC? You might have to big him up, tell him how great he is at X and how he'd be a real asset, but it would give him a new focus.

I do sympathise. My mum hasn't worked for 30 years and is similar, though she likes to go shopping and then tell me in minute detail what she has bought, at what price, what the original cost was and all the savings she made between the two. I got the rundown on what someone else bought the other day! I tried to get her involved in her local school (she lives opposite, and she used to teach so it would be perfect). She replied that she'd be far superior to the class teacher and wouldn't be able to stop herself taking over! Probably best she didn't make enquiries, I suppose!