What's wrong with my dad? Advice needed

[TheresaMaysuckmybum]

Namechanged for this.

Since my lovely (apart from this!) Dad has retired, my family and I have noticed some concerning/frustrating behaviour and we dont know what to do. I thought perhaps it might ring a bell with someone on here. He is early 60s. I'm not sure if the below has always been there except now we notice it more, or if it has happened with older age (but he's really not that old!) Either way we are worried. And need management techniques if it's just him being an arse!

• He now talks at length (never did before) and endlessly - but usually only about himself. He uses almost everything as a jumping off point to talk about himself and will turn unrelated conversations round so that he can relate a long anecdote about himself.

• He does not listen to anyone ever. If anyone says anything in conversation, he will simply pause, wait for them to finish speaking, then continue with what he was saying (about himself!) without acknowledging or replying to what has been said. We have all commented on this and he doesn't care or notice and continues the behaviour.

• He has started 'mansplaining' everything to everyone - topics he has no knowledge or experience of whatsoever - to an extreme. He seems to hear every comment about anything ever as 'Please explain x to me, I don't understand it.' E.g. legal things to my sister who has 20 yrs experience as a lawyer (he has no knowledge of law and is a plumber by trade), stuff about my brother in laws business he has no knowledge of whatsoever, how to bake cakes to me who is a baking fanatic (he's never baked anything in his life!). It's men and women. If anyone says 'Yes I know I'm a lawyer', or 'Yes I know that why are you explaining this are you listening helllooo' he doesn't seem to hear it or acknowledge it and continues on. Nothing will stop him explaining. I once tried four five times repeatedly. Because he doesn't listen or acknowledge comments or people's reactions, as above. Highly irritating and rude!

• He has been getting obsessed with weird stuff on the internet like conspiracy theories and will research this at length then talk at people about it. He does not care if people disagree or try to offer alternative opinions (some of this is CRAZY stuff) he just goes on and on, not seeming to realise you don't agree and are not interested. He's always been a logical person but now seems very easily led. If it's on the internet, he believes it and recounts it as fact.

• He does not notice people's growing frustration with his boring chat or offence at his rudeness or any of the above. He will not be stopped or interrupted. He simply does not notice or listen to anybody else. He never asks anyone about themselves or seems curious about others. It's all about him explaining or talking.

There is nothing wrong with his hearing btw, my mum made him have it checked!

All of the above is so exhausting. And upsetting. And frustrating. Interested to hear if anyone has an ideas of what's going on and how to make him stop (bearing in mind he won't listen in normal conversation).

Thanks in advance.

Hahaha @TimeIhadaNameChange but goodness, you must be patient or silently seething all the time. I don't mind giving elders a bit of slack but the mansplaining is the bit that makes me annoyed. Courses are a good idea too, thank you.

I’m not medical, but like your dad, my mum already had a (massive) tendency to monologue about herself, so the increase was quite insidious.
What I think happens, is that they find following normal conversation more difficult, either because of hearing, short-term memory issues or disinterest coupled with reduced inhibition. With my mum it’s all of the above. They therefore rely increasingly on monologue and anecdote because it’s a safe, straight, familiar track to follow where they are confident of fluency and virtuosity. Also they are asserting their status and preeminence at a time when they feel it is threatened by aging/retirement.
I believe detachment is a very common symptom of senility, and we see this with my mum. She is very disinterested in and even irritated by other people having problems and will just revert to her own, whereas 20 years ago she did care very much about the wellbeing of her immediate family.
Now we feel like an audience, and one she resents because our applause falls short of the rapture she feels she deserves 😢
I try to remember she used to be better than this and that it’s an organic process, not a simple choice. I think it’s hard when those negative tendencies were always there but much more muted, it can colour your whole view of their character which could be very unfair.
It is exhausting 💐

Mum also can’t be wrong about anything and knows everything. If she is ever faced with an overwhelming contrary opinion or fact she cries “That’s what I meant!”.

@LightDrizzle Oh I'm so sorry about your mum, that must be very difficult. Exhausting is exactly it. Interesting on the reasons behind the monologues - that does make sense. Though he doesn't exactly tell anecdotes the way my 85 year old granny does (long repetitive stories about the past we've all heard many times) - in an unconscious elderly way, it's more deliberate and careful engineering to make the conversation about him. But I take your point and will monitor him.

I agree with the PP about the shift to ‘safe’ topics of conversation with the onset of early dementia. That is what we are seeing in my FIL. His short term memory has tanked, so he cant rely on rembering what you just said to him in a conversation, so will just hold forth with a monologue so he doesnt have to risk being shown up in an ordinary conversation with back and forth comments. He also sticks to subjects that he has researched, ie read about all morning as if he has read it several times it will stick in his memory better. I am assuming that this will deteriorate as his dementia progresses. The problem is that some people just are self obsessed and bad at conversation naturally and so the best way to tell if it might be an issue is if it is a change.

We got my FIL to go to the GP to have some mental acuity tests done on the premise that it was good to establish a bench mark of where you are, as you start to age. It is much easier to diagnose a decline if you are comparing your self to yourself rather than an average population iyswim. He and my MIL both had it done and then when we suggested he went back a year later for an update, it showed change and he had less grounds for telling us we were just ‘fussing’. My FIL didnt want to admit anything was wrong for ages, and still struggles with the knowledge. He masks massively, if he forgets why he went into a room, he will pretend to himself that he was just stretching his legs. If he forgets what you told him 10 mins ago, he will pretend it wasnt important so he wasnt really listening to you. But we know it is a big change from his old self, so have had to be quite pushy with him in getting help.

Are you sure he hasn’t always been like this and you just haven’t noticed because he has been working etc?

I have one family member with Aspergers (exactly like your dad, would bore anyone to death and wouldn’t notice) and one with dementia but not like your dad (eg more repeating things, forgetting words, not knowing how basic things work.)

My mum was diagnosed with dementia at age 65. Looking back through there were signs for at least 5 years before. The progression in the early stages was so subtle and mostly manifested in personality changes (she became very selfish and self centered). I don't want to worry you but it would be worth him seeing a doctor, if only to put your mind at rest.

Sounds like my H. Became the worlds expert on everything.

Any allotments near you? Sounds like the perfect time for him to consider getting into growing so he can spend hours discussing relative benefits of ways to control carrot fly with other gardening folk :)

I think I may have met him on a few Brexit discussions online!! Or certainly his doppelgänger. I think this is a lack of anything to focus on. Do you have a university of the 3rd age anywhere near you? He sounds a prime candidate

My dad popped over one morning to “help” with the school run. I had 3 all in reception/preschool. And he thought this was an ideal time to tell me the entire script and plot of Apollo 13.

Oh dear lord, your dad has turned into my dad!

Thanks so much everyone for all these thoughts. I'm not sure if he's always been like this and we didn't notice - he has always worked long hours running his own company so it's highly possible. Something we will all think about... Boredom could explain the internet research and talking but does not explain the not listening and weird excessive mansplaining which is really the worst part and which make me concerned there's something more going on mentally. @SeatoSki this does ring a bell. I will think on all of this.

OP I just had to check that this was not a zombie thread that I had started.

I noticed exactly the same about my Dad right down to the conspiracy searching on the internet. He makes wild statements about things like 9/11 with no regard for the people involved that were hurt or killed.

He talks for hours and goes on rants that he clearly has no idea about. He catches a small news alert and suddenly he is making all manner of things up. Even when he is backed into a corner he will continue and start name dropping “well so and so said” and his voice will get louder and more authorative in a “don’t mess with me” way. The only way to get him to stop is to agree or stop responding until he gets bored. To see several people in the room start their own conversations until he has no-one left to talk at.

It is embarrassing when we are out as he will talk at anyone. You can see the look on people’s faces but it goes over his head.

The worse of it is the gaslighting. He will openly argue with me telling me that my memories are wrong, that I have been to places that I haven’t and tell me that he has told me things that he hasn’t. It is usually silly little things but it adds up and is annoying.

The truth is he has always been like this. I think when he worked it wasn’t obvious as he was often tired so spent a lot of time in a room on his own. He has a very high opinion of himself and would rather lie his way through than admit that he does not know what he is talking about or that he is wrong.

It is now at the point where he has personally upset me and my family several times and although I love him, I have decided that I do not like him very much at all.

This is so reminiscent of my late dad. I can't give much advice to the OP as our family strategy back in the day was basically to leave him to chunter on regardless. It seems a very common trait in men though. I hope I have more than that to look forward to in later life...