To not think it's not worth pursuing child maintenance

[helpmetoseeagain]

I had such a bad day yesterday ! I don't think the stress of DD's dad is worth it anymore and I'm thinking to just stop pursuing child maintenance so myself and DD can get on with our lives.

DD's dad is one of those dads that we won't hear for 4-6 months at a time and then shows up out of the blue. He Is consistent for 2 months, then something happens and he goes like a genie. I warned him that if he does he's disappearing act again, that he should keep walking and doesn't turn back as he has done this for the past 7 years.

Anyway, we have had no contact from him in 3 months and DD is getting on. Yesterday was such a good day, I was glad my exam was over and thought I did really well. But I felt and it was so ironic, that when your day is too good something bad has got to happen to put me in place and I was right. Whilst I was out, I received a random call from my sister (we live together) that DD's dad has showed up and he would like to talk to me, alongside he's friend that I know.

I was honestly like "what the fuck". Anyway I reach home and I meet DD playing with her dad and kept saying "your back, your back". I then asked DD to play in her room.

Moving on, the reason why DD's dad came was because he wants me to stop pursuing child maintenance. He said he is in debt, he is about to lose hes home, he is only working 15 hours and cannot afford to provide for DD. I told him "that I gave you (him) chance after change to give me some money, I didn't hear from you when I texted you to ask what was going on, I warned you that I will pursue child maintenance and ask them to do a collect and service (where they do a direction of order) if I didn't receive any money).

He's friend then pipes up and tells me " I know you wants DDs dad to be a responsible father but have some compassion, he is in debt, a week ago he asked me to pay for he's electric. Your studying right ? Why can't you sacrifice your studies and get a job and provide for your DS yourself ?". He then adds " if DDs dad doesn't pay, then I will pay you the money". I told him to not be stupid , my child ain't he's responsibility.

I then asked DDs dad how much can he afford to pay, he said "Honestly... I have no money, I can give you 10 a month or maybe £20... but there will be a few months that I won't be able to pay". I told him that he can't be for real. He then starts shaking in anger (I know) and pipes up "why can't you leave me alone ?! Just drop the child maintenance and I won't have anything to do with DDs life". I replied to him "That I'm sorry but I want the best life for DD and unfortunately, I need your money. You can decide on whatever relationship you want with DD but you still have to provide for her".

He then gets up and starts shouting "I will give sign over my rights, I will let you have full custody of DD but drop this child maintenance, if you don't drop it, I will come for you".

I then told him to "get out" and he then went.

I cannot be arsed with this boy child, I'm thinking of leaving Child maintenance so myself and DD can have a peaceful nice. My friend told me that I shouldn't but if I don't do it, I have a death wish hanging over me.

Let him sign away his rights. I would. Not because of the threats but because you can both move on (you and DD) and it'll make you're life a whole lot easier.

If I had this chance years ago I'd have jumped at it.

Oh, and he's a massive cunt.

I have no advice at all I’m afraid but what a nasty bastard he is. You have my total sympathy. And btw I totally get someone being in a serious financial hole and maybe asking for help or to take a temporary break or something but that’s not what he is doing here. He is trying to ‘sell’ his Contact with his child in return for not supporting her any more. If you have a child you must expect to contribute to their upbringing. He is appalling. He isn’t doing any childcare so he needs to pull his finger out and work full time hours and get himself out of this mess. He doesn’t sound like the type that will though, sadly.

what a total and absolute cunt! why does he only work 15 hours?

get him to sign over his rights then drop it, your DD is worth more, and so are you

Heartbreaking that he would rather give up any connection with his daughter rather than contribute financially.

There are no words.

I'd probably take if you can afford to just to have the stability for your DD but honestly what a disaster of a man.

Well id have been phoning the police over the threat to begin with!

why is he only working 15 hours?

Your dd would be far better off without him.

Id be tempted to take his friend up on the offer so he gets to see what a dick your ex is

Don't drop the maintenance and report the threats if you think they are serious to the police.

I’d still pursue it.

Even if you drop it, he will just be back in a few months time.

Thank you for your replies. I don't want to die so I'm just going to drop the maintenance.

Please report him to the police, he can't do this

Report him to the police for the threats. Please do not drop the CMS claim, that money is for your child.

I didn't know it was possible for him to give up any connection to his child anyway, so further down the line he could still demand contact with her, regardless of the CM situation.

Don't drop the claim. Report him to the police.

Report him. Whatever you do about the maintenance, report the threat.

Ridiculous to ask but is he actually able to sign away his right to be a father? I didn't think that was possible in the UK (unless a child is given up for adoption).

If he is on the birth certificate, he has Parental Responsibility (legal rights) - this cannot be ‘signed away’, although he can choose not to exercise his rights I.e. by walking away. The only way his PR can be dispensed with is by a court order to this effect and this is only done in very specific circumstances.

You need to report the DA and get support in place to ensure he cannot just call/turn up, continue with the application for CM and use his behaviour as evidence for why they need to implement collect and pay (so you don’t need to deal with him). You also need to be clear with him that, given the threats he has made, you will need to formalise contact arrangements via a third party to ensure yours and your DD safety.

Bet he walks away, but at least he will
Be financially contributing.

I agree, you need to report him. Keep the maintenance in place. He should be working to support his child.

What is reporting going to do ? I did all of that in the past. It didn't do much. I may just move away so he can't find DD and I.

OP - I was in this situation many moons ago and but still continued to report him.
I got a non molestation order in the end and CSA still pursued him without me having any contact.

I understand being frightened initially but I also never lost my own anger that the bastard was a waste of a space father but yet thought it was ok to threaten and endanger the only stable parent my DC had/knew.

Ultimately you need to do whatever you think you need to, to stay safe but even if you decide to move away - please still report this horrible man.

OP after chasing my ex for child maintenance for 3 years (along with trying to set up contact) it was worth it. I travelled to another country where he lived and pursued it 5 times because he didn't show up 3/5 times in court. Costs me thousands but now the child maintenance now comes straight out of his wages and I never get pissed off that he doesn't contribute because he legally has to and has no choice. I know it seems a lot and tiring and you can't be bothered but in the end once it's all on paper you will feel like a weight lifted off. DD father is still a shit dad only seeing her once every 2/3 months but at least the maintenance order makes things a bit easier.

Hi OP.

I used to work at the CMS so have a little insight here.

First of all, please do not drop the CMS. Child support isn’t money that your ex pays you, it’s money paid for your child, therefore as far as you can you should seek to recover the money so that it can be spent on your child’s upbringing.

Secondly, while going through CMS, any non paid child maintenance is not wiped off. They will keep accruing as debts and will remain on file - some non resident parents end up paying it way after the child becomes of age because they didn’t pay enough and built up debts. This will only happen if you remain with CMS. This is important because even though right now you may be able to do without CMS, there might come a time when you are not financially secure and you really need this money, and may have to reopen the case. If you keep it open and the non resident parent has built up accruals, these should be factored into your payments and you’ll receive more, which could be really helpful to you. If you leave CMS, you probably won’t be entitled to any of the money accrued for this time.

Thirdly, after working there, I can tell you honestly that there were an oceans’ worth of cases of non resident parents claiming to be broke and in debt and working few hours which turned out to be complete horseshit. It’s highly likely that he’s exaggerating his lack of income to get off the hook. There were some extreme cases of people paying for several horses for their younger children or buying boats and claiming to be on the bread line. But there were many more of people pretending to work part time when they work full time etc. CMS will be able to see exactly what he earns from his employer and will be able to run a credit check on him so they’re in a much better position than you are to assess whether he can pay and adjust accordingly.

In terms of actions:
You should make CMS aware of the threat immediately. He didn’t bring his friend for a social visit, they were there to intimidate you. I also think you should file a police report if you feel you can do that. If I’m remembering correctly you should be able to request to talk to a CMS officer who is trained in domestic abuse, and they’ll be able to put a note on your file about the non resident parent being abusive/threatening.

Also, you should ask CMS for the collect and pay service. Your ex will pay 20% more but you’ll only receive 4% less. You can also ask that they put your ex on a “deductions of earnings order”. The child support will be taken out of his pay check with tax and national insurance - he will have no ability to alter this. Once on a DOE, it’s really quite difficult to get off it (other than leaving your job - but if he has prior poor engagement they’ll simply find him and put him on a DOE at his new job instead). This also has the benefit of taking it out of your hands to some extent.

Child maintenance is considered a primary debt, therefore other debts rank behind it. If he tells CMS that he has debts and might lose his house, the most likely outcome is that the person on the phone will tell him to sell his house. Paying for your child is considered higher priority than home ownership.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me

Sorry for writing such a fucking essay

He will always be DDs father! He can't just sign away his rights.

You need to pursue CMS. If he can't afford anything then he won't have to pay BUT your DD will need upkeep until she's 18, most likely.
Don't be threatened by him, think of your DD.

He sounds spineless and is obviously not wanting to forgo any of his income.

What kind of moron thinks they can sign away their rights.

And why would you let him win. This is the only thing you can do for your dd in regard to him.
Why would you let your daughter lose out because of him.
Report him to the police now. Carry on with CMS. And stop speaking to him.

He is abusing you.

If you are in U.K., it is not possible in any jusrisdiction to just 'sign away' your parental responsibility.

His offer is worthless - especially as even parents without PR should be paying for their DC. These two things are not in any way interdependent.

Follow the excellent advice fromFridasrage

Let's just imagine you accept his intimidating 'offer' and drop the CMS claim. How can you be sure he will keep his side of the deal and not demand access to his DD at some point? The simple answer is you can't and once he knows his threats work he will be back at some point.

He and his friend have made serious threats against you, threats that you believe. You must report them to the police and the CMS, you may need to prove the threats in years to come. Let the authorities deal with these thugs.