To not think it's not worth pursuing child maintenance

[helpmetoseeagain]

I had such a bad day yesterday ! I don't think the stress of DD's dad is worth it anymore and I'm thinking to just stop pursuing child maintenance so myself and DD can get on with our lives.

DD's dad is one of those dads that we won't hear for 4-6 months at a time and then shows up out of the blue. He Is consistent for 2 months, then something happens and he goes like a genie. I warned him that if he does he's disappearing act again, that he should keep walking and doesn't turn back as he has done this for the past 7 years.

Anyway, we have had no contact from him in 3 months and DD is getting on. Yesterday was such a good day, I was glad my exam was over and thought I did really well. But I felt and it was so ironic, that when your day is too good something bad has got to happen to put me in place and I was right. Whilst I was out, I received a random call from my sister (we live together) that DD's dad has showed up and he would like to talk to me, alongside he's friend that I know.

I was honestly like "what the fuck". Anyway I reach home and I meet DD playing with her dad and kept saying "your back, your back". I then asked DD to play in her room.

Moving on, the reason why DD's dad came was because he wants me to stop pursuing child maintenance. He said he is in debt, he is about to lose hes home, he is only working 15 hours and cannot afford to provide for DD. I told him "that I gave you (him) chance after change to give me some money, I didn't hear from you when I texted you to ask what was going on, I warned you that I will pursue child maintenance and ask them to do a collect and service (where they do a direction of order) if I didn't receive any money).

He's friend then pipes up and tells me " I know you wants DDs dad to be a responsible father but have some compassion, he is in debt, a week ago he asked me to pay for he's electric. Your studying right ? Why can't you sacrifice your studies and get a job and provide for your DS yourself ?". He then adds " if DDs dad doesn't pay, then I will pay you the money". I told him to not be stupid , my child ain't he's responsibility.

I then asked DDs dad how much can he afford to pay, he said "Honestly... I have no money, I can give you 10 a month or maybe £20... but there will be a few months that I won't be able to pay". I told him that he can't be for real. He then starts shaking in anger (I know) and pipes up "why can't you leave me alone ?! Just drop the child maintenance and I won't have anything to do with DDs life". I replied to him "That I'm sorry but I want the best life for DD and unfortunately, I need your money. You can decide on whatever relationship you want with DD but you still have to provide for her".

He then gets up and starts shouting "I will give sign over my rights, I will let you have full custody of DD but drop this child maintenance, if you don't drop it, I will come for you".

I then told him to "get out" and he then went.

I cannot be arsed with this boy child, I'm thinking of leaving Child maintenance so myself and DD can have a peaceful nice. My friend told me that I shouldn't but if I don't do it, I have a death wish hanging over me.

Absolutely what Fridasrage said a million times over. Do not let him bully you into submission.

Fwiw my ex was exactly the same as yours. Physically and mentally abusive for many years after I left him. I had a non molestation order against him, deduction of earnings, and the only time he got a platform after that was when I took him to court for leave of jurisdiction. He relished the thought of being in the limelight and thought the court would turn down my request. However as his contact had been sporadic and he was noted as violent the judge saw right through him and let us go.

Bullies do not like people standing up for themselves. In this instance you need to stand up for yourself, and your child. Don't let your ex do this to you both. Your child deserves the best.

As some people have said you can't sign away your rights in the UK (assuming that is where you are) so anything he writes down isn't worth the paper it's written on if he is on the birth certificate.

Don't have any contact with him, call the police if you felt threatened and let CMS pursue the maintenance claim. It took 10 months but we are finally getting some money so it can happen!!

"... you don't drop it, I will come for you".

That's a chilling threat.

You say you cannot be arsed with this boy child but the truth is not that you can't be arsed but that you're terrified of him.

I would be inclined to report the threat and persist with the CMS. Because the only way to counter his sort of behaviour is by making sure he's reported to any relevant authority, whether it's the police or CMS. Then if you get any trouble you should get fast appropriate support.

But I'm not you. In the end only you can evaluate how dangerous he is.

However it seems to me that the more dangerous he is, the more important it is to report this. Because if you don't he'll certainly employ threats again the next time he has demands to make, i.e to see DD when he fancies the role again.

My heart breaks for that little girl playing with her dad and shouting 'your back'and as soon as she's left the room he says he wants nothing to do with her.

This alone would make me want to pursue him, let him lose his house, report him, sta d up to him, fight him until the bitter end, because he is a twat.

I’d still pursue it, his her father so tough fucking luck mate his paying.

Also I’m not really sure you can simply sign your rights away to a child, well not in the uk anyway? But maybe you live elsewhere. She’s a human ffs, not a possession.

My heart breaks for that little girl playing with her dad and shouting 'your back'and as soon as she's left the room he says he wants nothing to do with her

I know. That's why I was so hurt.

I don't think he's worth risking my life over. DD has some needs and I want to use and save as much money as I can, so that I can give her the best quality of life. Unfortunately, money talks. Is this selfish ?

I'm also partially worried as I feel DDs dad will kill himself due to the amount of debt. He is in debt but he didn't keep his word when he told me he would pay me directly. We had no payments from him for 3 months, I told him if you really couldn't afford it and you cared for DD, you would have been like to me "Look help, I don't have much money, I'm in debt but here is £30.00, I'm really sorry, I will pay you more as soon as I can". Nothing like that whatsoever.

You must recognise that you are providing for your child - even if that's using benefits and student loans - already. Your child has what she needs right now because of you. If he wants his child to be better off, he can work more than 15 hours a week himself and work his way out of debt. You are trying to build a future for the both of you at the moment and your time will come when you are able to afford to provide everything. Been there, done that and believe me, it will come good if you just keep on plowing through.

I eventually closed my case at the CMS because, frankly, the anger over it kept me awake at night. The poor management, the lack of action, the fact he got away with it again and again and again....I have found it easier to cope with once I accepted the financial support of the children was all mine. However, I recognise that it's probably not the best way of dealing with things and that I should probably hold him accountable. I believe that ultimately the children will hold him accountable (because he never misses seeing them) and for me, that's what really matters.

If as others say he cannot sign DD away he. Will be in and out of your life forever screwing up DD in the process.

If you drop the CMS claim he will know that he threatens you and you will do whatever he wants. So he will do this to you forever.

If you think it is a serious threat go to the police.

If he commits suicide IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Don't drop the claim but treat it as a bonus. Don't stress if you get it or not.

You need to make a stand because you and DD deserve better.

Please report his threats to the police.

Take the excellent advice from Fridasrage and don’t close the child maintenance claim.

Excellent advice here - no need to start another thread!

Ah ! Totally didn't read the new updates on this thread. Thanks so much Fridasrage ! Your post is excellent. I have reported it and I'm due to give a full report at the station. But refrained initially because I didn't want to go through that whole history with the police again. But I need to in order to stand up to DD's dad and to protect her.

Glad you’be caught up on this thread !

Want a cunt. I'm sick to dead of these deadbeat fathers mine included, cma so far have proven completely shit aswell, they "forgot" to send mine a letter that should have sped things up for godsake, these bl9kes just get away with doing and paying jackshit and they seem to get away with it

Don’t trust a word this man says - he would use this against you with your daughter in future ‘Your Mum agreed if I couldn’t afford to pay I shouldn’t be your Dad anymore’ - and she won’t appreciate you having taken him up on it. Chase him through the CMS and do follow up on the police report about the threats.