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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Remorseful for letting a woman down

41 replies

needmylife · 02/04/2019 08:47

Morning, not on here to be judged, But I know I will be, so deserve everything I get.

Very remorseful, knowing I have hurt one Woman in this.

I know what I did; I don’t want any more pain for the people I have hurt and myself never again.

Background
Women1 (Anna) - meet 18 months ago, loving, stable, kind trustworthy, same sense of humour, no doubts with insecurity, perfect and so comfortable with. Happy when i was with her, no false all the time from the heart. I would only be off with her when Women2 was back on the scene. Meet Women1 when not with Women2, holiday, going away etc
Women2 (Penny) - ex gf for 5 years, ok for the first couple, then because she refused to move in with me, she had her reasons my family, it was and off then for the rest of the time, eventually she was telling me I couldn’t commit she, insecurity from myself and her, too much detail, she loved the attention off other men in a way you know is wrong, but she denied it. Chatting online etc. She bend the truth with stories about me, the list goes on, either very clever or did not realise what she was doing. I asked her many times If we were over in conversations, but she always said “I did not say that”
Did not live with either Anna or Penny during the 18 months.
Not here to tell the whole story of the ins and out.
But I came clean a month ago.
Told Penny about Anna first to end it, vice versa
Penny knew she said.... “I knew” she was right, she never confessed to me about her chatting, Anna was shocked and had no idea of this.
Both were hurt, Anna more than Penny, Penny already has some other poor bloke in the pipeline, Thought I was in the wrong I feel hate towards her

Remorseful YES as I said, its coming back to bite and hurt me. But I am hurting for the hurt Anna has had more the Penny.

Obviously I am no longer with Anna or Penny. Anna is the only one I have chatted to about the 18 months of relationship deception, Penny told me to "do one".

Questions I have so many on why i did it! And i need help

When Penny came back why did I go back with her! Love? And that feeling in your stomach, nobody else can have her.

I want to try with Anna again! And this time make it work. I can’tt tell her that, she has to want me again. Her trust has gone and deep down I know that is. I screwed it up. In the zone with Anna I was happy so so happy and perfect.

We have not spoken for a week now after this came out. She has a good friend I sent messages to and they get passed on. Anna cut off all contact, I do not want to see you never again.
Anyway to my question

Can anybody recommend a good online counselling service?

Excuse my typing and grammar

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 02/04/2019 08:50

No just leave her alone now.

RocketSurgery · 02/04/2019 08:56

So you were fucking two women, one of whom you seem to hate. And now you’re fucking no women and feeling sad? Just leave them alone and move on.

Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:09

I know what I did and i am totally ashamed, betrayel, Penny batrayed me with online chatting, you can work out the content!

it was never about sex, ( i know easy to say, but it wasnt) we are all in our 50s, not teenagers , though i did act like one.

My hurt and being sad is not about me, its about the hurt i have caused both. More so Anna.

Move on yes I need to, I know, but have an very emotional back ground over the 30 years. Which is the root of the problem, hence the counselling request. Thanks. Not here to fight

OP posts:
ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 02/04/2019 09:14

How do we recommend a counsellor? Counsellors are personal, not a chain like Boots chemist. You look in the phone book or online for a counsellor. How could I, in Gloucestershire, recommend a counsellor here when for all I know you might live in Cornwall or Scotland?

WasFatNowThin · 02/04/2019 09:15

What is it about ex's? I had an affair with one from over 25 years ago, I suppose it made us feel young again. We split before our partners found out, though I still miss him.

This is of no help to you OP, sorry.

SparklySneakers · 02/04/2019 09:17

No sympathy. Play with fire and you get burned and burn others too.

OldAndWornOut · 02/04/2019 09:19

I think with some exes there is a faint air of 'unfinished business'.
The sensible thing is to ignore those feelings though.

ScreamingValenta · 02/04/2019 09:20

she loved the attention off other men in a way you know is wrong, but she denied it

What do you mean by this? Are you the sort of man who feels jealous if 'his' woman talks to or spends time with other men? Or do you mean that she was actually unfaithful to you?

IvanaPee · 02/04/2019 09:22

Leave her alone. She’s obviously way better than you.

I hope she posted on here, she would have been told you’re a waste of space

Duchessgummybuns · 02/04/2019 09:23

🎻 for you OP

OldAndWornOut · 02/04/2019 09:25
Grin
Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:34

Yes i was jealous with Penny, but had no issues at all with Anna. I see what my problem is now

Penny split with her husband before me, affair and online chatting etc, she confessed to that. whilst with me.

She did online chatting again (content was sexual). during our 5 years, i found out fell betrayed and hut with it. but forgave her for it.

We would send weeks apart from each other from year 3 to year 5 with her.

OP posts:
Dexra · 02/04/2019 09:34

This is one of the weirder posts I've read on here.

Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:35

Penny is out of my head, she has moved on quickly I have been told.

OP posts:
SparklySneakers · 02/04/2019 09:35

My heart bleeds. Get yourself some morals and a sense of decency whilst you're at it.

Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:36

Yes I know. No need to be told, i know what i did

OP posts:
Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:36

Noted

OP posts:
Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:37

Maybe should have said, thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:38

thank you.

OP posts:
Casmama · 02/04/2019 09:40

I'm not sure you need counselling. Try just treating people with a bit of honesty and respect, focus on one person at a time and don't tell lies.

Casmama · 02/04/2019 09:40

Oh and leave Anna alone- she deserves better

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/04/2019 09:41

I'm sorry, I was lost within the first sentence.

ScreamingValenta · 02/04/2019 09:41

I think you need to forget about Anna and Penny and take some time being single to work out what you want from your life and relationships.

If you meet someone new, take it slowly at first so you can build trust - which goes both ways. It should go without saying that if you are in a relationship with one woman, don't have other women in the background. End one relationship with a clean break before embarking on another.

Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:42

Thanks for all your comments on this. I deserve the abuse i get I know

This article i found online earlier, explains what I think my problem is.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-the-name-love/200803/loving-two-people-the-same-time

a snippet from it.

Another context for such polyamorous love is having two romantic relationships which are at a different stage: one could be at the infatuation stage and the other at a later, more mature stage. It seems that there is no logical contradiction in romantically loving two people at the same time, and the issue here is psychological, as it generates profound emotional dissonance

OP posts:
Original poster
needmylife · 02/04/2019 09:43

Anna i trusted, and you are correct.

OP posts:
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