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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex AIBU

29 replies

Mamaofone86 · 01/04/2019 23:33

Just want to know if I’m being a psycho here!!

OH and I went to an event last month, his ex was there. His ex from 23 years ago. The mother of his child. Everything ended amicably no issues there. Found a message on his phone today when looking for something, she’d messaged him a couple of days after the event saying thank you for attending (was an event there DD was part of) he replied saying he had a great time, so proud of her etc and then said “you looked amazing as always” they haven’t been together in over 20 years so I don’t particularly have any worries, we live around 5 hours away, they only communicate via text and not really that much due to the DD being in her 20s now. Basically I’ve flipped! I wasn’t snooping before anyone jumps on me he’d asked me to look for something in the phone and on her message when I saw that. To me it’s unacceptable to tell another woman she looks “amazing”. I wouldn’t have been bothered if he said you looked well or something like that it’s jusy this amazing comment that has got my back up. Had it out with him, he said she’s the mother of his child he will always be kind to her etc etc and there’s absolutely nothing at all in it, he’s fully committed to me and I have absolutely zero to worry about. Am I wrong to be annoyed?? Please help because it’s driving me insane!!

OP posts:
Nettlescoop · 01/04/2019 23:40

It seems unnecessarily complimentary and would unsettle me.

butterboo · 01/04/2019 23:54

I'd be annoyed but as you say she's a very distant ex so probably wouldn't be concerned. If it were me I know I'd want an apology or acknowledgement that he'd stepped over the line rather than defending himself, that would diffuse the situation.

Original poster
Mamaofone86 · 02/04/2019 00:02

He has apologized and said it won’t ever happen again. He didn’t realize it would hurt my feelings this much (dick) this is the first time anything like this has happened, we’ve been together 3 years, he knows I have trust issues and has been so patient with me and I do actually trust him 100%. He compliments me all the time multiple times a day but still just this one thing hasn’t sat well with me. I’ve hardly spoken to him all day and he’s being lovely. Have I made my point????

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 02/04/2019 00:04

Yes you have. Let it go now.

LovingLola · 02/04/2019 00:05

Please stop with the ‘not talking’ stuff. Grow up and speak to him like an adult.

Expressedways · 02/04/2019 00:10

Yes he overstepped and shouldn’t have said it. That said, he’s apologised, it doesn’t sound like you have any reason to suspect anything more is going on and you say that you trust him 100%. So it’s probably about time you accepted the apology and stopped the silent treatment as you’ve definitely proved your point.

Original poster
Mamaofone86 · 02/04/2019 00:15

I know I’ve let it go on too long. I know my faults. Thanks for giving me the advice I needed!

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:16

Why does he have to compliment you multiple times a day. That’s odd.

Original poster
Mamaofone86 · 02/04/2019 00:17

He doesn’t have to compliment me multiple times a day..

Why is him choosing to be nice and complimentary odd??

OP posts:
k1233 · 02/04/2019 00:29

I think it's an overreaction on your part. I tell people they look great / amazing etc what's wrong with giving a complement?

Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:29

Multiple times a day is odd. Impo.
After 3 years.
And you sound very insecure.
Granted his message is bad.
So perhaps your either insecure because this is what he is like generally (worrying) or because you’re inherently insecure and need constant reassurance (worrying)

Or none of the above, only you really know.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2019 00:32

Is it simply the case that he's simply a bit OTT with his compliments? It is unusual that he compliments you multiple times a day after being together for 3 years. (Nothing wrong with it, I hasten to add.) So maybe it's not so surprising that he would be OTT with other people as well, without even thinking that it would upset you.

He's said sorry now, and from what you've said there's nothing to suggest there's any reason to be jealous. So time to move on, I think.

Original poster
Mamaofone86 · 02/04/2019 00:45

Meandwine I don’t think I’m an insecure person. I don’t feel the need to be complimented/reassured. He’s just like that with me. Says he’s in love and happy so I don’t really see the problem. Anyway I’ve put the matter to bed now

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaofone86 · 02/04/2019 00:47

K1233 I see your point and it’s not that he can’t compliment anyone it was just the use of the word amazing that was all. “You looked really well/nice” wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest

OP posts:
Aria999 · 02/04/2019 00:48

YABU. Maybe she did look amazing, probably so did you!

NameChangeNugget · 02/04/2019 07:53

YABU.

Irrational jealousy drives people away. It’s lovely he can pay the mother of his child and innocent comment.

Duchessgummybuns · 02/04/2019 08:41

I’ve noticed on mumsnet a lot of people ask their partners to find stuff on their phones for them... this seems odd to me as it’s not something I’d ask my partner to do as I can easily do it myself, especially since said phone is usually in my pocket/bag. And then said poster ultimately finds something incriminating. 🤔

whitesoxx · 02/04/2019 09:49

He asked you to look for something in his phone on her message?

No he didn't. You are insecure

KylieKoKo · 02/04/2019 12:55

I think most people in real life would be annoyed about their partner texting an ex and telling them they look amazing.

Musti · 02/04/2019 13:18

I understand why that message would annoy you but I always tell people who I don't see very often and know for many years that they look amazing. And I've noticed also old male friends say it to me or put it on my Facebook pictures. Definitely no intention before or now for anything else and they are the ones who are very happy and secure in their relationships.

user1493413286 · 02/04/2019 13:23

I’d be annoyed too but I don’t genuinely think it’s a threat to your relationship. Possibly he’s the type of person who is like that with compliments, I have male friends who would say that in front of their partners but to an ex isn’t fair on you

Original poster
Mamaofone86 · 02/04/2019 13:36

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear I’m not normally jealous, don’t check each other’s phones but not secretive with phones either. Just made me a little unsettled I suppose.

OP posts:
QueenEhlana · 02/04/2019 13:38

For heaven's sakes, she's an ex of 23 years ago and you've got upset over this comment? You need to get a grip.

Dera1234 · 02/04/2019 13:41

OP, my partners compliments me loads. Says I'm beautiful, a great Mum etc etc and there's nothing weird about it, he's just a really lovely person and loves me very much. I wouldn't worry about people saying it's odd. Some people are just very complimentary. I'm the same back to him too.

OldGreyBadger · 02/04/2019 16:04

I still occasionally compliment my ex of 20+ years, although, in truth, the years have not been kind to her. It costs nothing, butters her up, and puts me "in credit" with her if we have to negotiate something relating to our DCs. Men routinely compliment women because they know that's what women want. They don't necessarily mean it.