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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help to get someone out of my head

33 replies

Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 14:53

It has been too long thinking about this person day in and day out. I guess I think I love him or at least love the idea of him. He is not a good person to me. Sporadic contact doesn't help (yes, I know I need to block him). I have never told him how I feel but it won't make a difference to him, at least I imagine it won't.

How can I just move on? I wish I could erase all the memories but I can't obviously. I am fed up of having him on my mind.

OP posts:
Amongstthewildthings · 01/04/2019 14:55

Why is he not a good person to you? Have you ever been in a relationship? Write down all the reasons why he is a bad fit for you. Read it every time you start to falter.

CoffeeRunner · 01/04/2019 14:55

I’m working my way through something pretty similar TBH.

What kind of relationship did you have with him?

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 15:23

It was a FB relationship I suppose. Unsuitable all round. I fell for him hard. Now I just find it all very painful.

OP posts:
chelsea100 · 01/04/2019 16:02

i have had exactly the same experience and it is so hard to resolve in your mind. Just keep yourself busy, meet other people and try to out them out of your mind

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 17:55

@chelsea100, I have been doing exactly that but to no avail. If I could get some brain bleach that would be ideal! Sympathies to you too.

OP posts:
Howdoisortthis · 01/04/2019 18:13

I’m going through exactly the same thing. I’m really struggling but today I’ve booked an initial session with a therapist, I’m hoping that having someone to talk it through with will help. I’m desperate to move on and stop these thoughts/feelings.
Good luck!!

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/04/2019 18:16

Try therapy - I started seeing a psychotherapist after a broken heart nearly made my cheese slide off my cracker!
18 months later, my life has completely changed, and that’s all through hard graft and making changes.

ConfCall · 01/04/2019 18:18

You say it’s a Facebook relationship - how many times have you met?

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 19:03

Annoyingly I've tried therapy, which while was helpful to talk through, hasn't really helped. My cheese has well and truly slidden off the cracker. I feel quite lost, but very annoyed at myself as well, as I can see the reality of the situation for what it is, but part of me is obviously being very stubborn about making changes to my feelings.

@ConfCall, not Facebook, FB in this case is fuckbuddy.

OP posts:
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/04/2019 19:10

You’ll find your way back, it’s ok.
When you say you had therapy - did you have counselling? Or psychotherapy?
I had counselling for years, but the real change came when I started psychotherapy.
I had a lightbulb moment when my therapist said - everything about what you’re doing, is you making a choice and telling yourself you’re not good enough. It’s time to make a choice to change that.
You deserve better than a FB. You deserve to be happy.

HoldMyGirl · 01/04/2019 19:16

Why don't you just tell him how you feel? 😕

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 19:17

@Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain, thank you, you are right in that I am really selling myself short with this person. I hate who I have become yet it doesn't change the fact that I crave his attention.

I had counselling, not psychotherapy. What is the difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 19:19

@HoldMyGirl, I see no point in telling him how I feel. It won't change the fact that he doesn't really give 2 fucks about me, and I don't want to bolster his ego even more.

OP posts:
Howdoisortthis · 01/04/2019 19:25

It takes dedication and time to move on. Is he available? It might help to tell him how you feel. Maybe it’s the uncertainty of how he feels that keeps you hanging on?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/04/2019 19:33

My experience has been that counselling was talking, which is great, but that’s just offloading, but my psychotherapy has involved being given tasks to do to really look at what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, and ways of changing those behaviours. It’s a shitty time, and we can all fuck off with our platitudes, I know, because it hurts right now. But it will get better x

robinsarebins · 01/04/2019 20:51

No advice but I'm going through exactly the same thing, very similar circumstances.
I can't afford a therapist, deep down I know some of the reasons I'm doing this to myself anyway.
So sick of thinking about him every single day.
I don't know how to stop. Trying not to think about him is still thinking about him.

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 21:27

It helps a little to know I'm not the only one, I just feel like such an idiot. He must think I'm a desperate idiot. I'm utterly fed up. He is my first waking thought and last thought on sleeping. I don't want to feel like this anymore!

Thanks for the psychotherapy recommendation. I will look into it, definitely sounds helpful in terms of making sense of my behaviour with a view to changing it.

OP posts:
oldfool1 · 01/04/2019 22:02

I'm in a similar situation and honestly you feel like you are going mad with it. My anxiety is going through the roof and all my other relationships are suffering and the most galling thing about it is that I know this person doesn't ever think about me.

I start therapy a week after next and hoping it will help. I hope you find some peace soon.

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 01/04/2019 22:41

Yes yes, anxiety is high as anything and things that should make me happy just don't anymore. It's shit. Perhaps we can share support and solutions here if there are a lot of us in the same boat?

OP posts:
robinsarebins · 01/04/2019 22:56

I think the writing a list as mentioned above might be a good idea, it's something I've been thinking about doing. Might take the form of a letter to myself in my journal telling myself to snap out of it!
I don't want to slag him off too much because he is a good person, but he does have bad points. Might help to be more objective rather than emotional.
Have you had feelings like this for other people before op? Any ideas why you think this is happening with this particular person?
I can share my thoughts about why I think I'm doing this if you think it will help.

BadlyDrawnBuoy · 02/04/2019 00:22

I can totally sympathise. The Baggage Reclaim website helped me a lot - excellent advice - she talks sense and is very direct:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

I also bought The No contact rule on kindle and it helped so much. I’m NC and still going strong. Good luck - you can do it!

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 02/04/2019 13:11

If you are finding it hard to move on, you need to work out what the reason is. If it's short term it maybe just a normal reaction ongiong pain and a couple of months will sort you out. If it's long term, its usually because your mind won't let go for a reason. What's that reason?

It can be you mentally subscribe to scarity theory rather than abundance theory. If you believe Mr Not So Wonderful is the only man in the world who will do for you, you will cling like a limpit. If you believe the world is full of billions of men and the odds are you will meet someone better you will move on. If you are clinging because you have scarity theory, this is hard to shift but meeting more people will help.

It can be you are trauma bonded to Mr Not So Wonderful. Google it. If it's this, you will need to resolve the trauma.

it maybe you are addicted to the emotional highs and lows of Mr Not So Wonderful - that kind of on/off intensity can have an effect like this. Intermittent Reinforcement can produce an addictive feeling that keeps you chasing it. Again something else to google for more info. It its' this, the only solution is treating like an addiction and going total cold turkey. Treat him like you would alcohol if you were an alcoholic just giving up. You wouldn't have it in the house. You'd avoid pubs and bars. You'd stay well away.

It could be a million things but something makes you not let go emotionally. Find that and find your freedom.

robinsarebins · 02/04/2019 20:30

Thanks that's really interesting and some of it definitely rings true for me.
Logically I know there are millions of men and that we could never have the sort of relationship that would be good for me, emotionally I've not had such a connection with anyone else for a long time. Nobody else I meet seems to interest me in the same way.
The intermittent thing is definitely a factor, our relationship is intermittent by nature being long distance we only see each other a few times a year and contact in between has always varied.
From my end now I am no contact, I'm not making the effort any more.
But I know when he contacts me I will reply.
Now I am just using this thread to talk about him.
Worse still I even dreamt about him this afternoon. Sad
Hope you're OK op and your anxiety is not too bad today, I use meditation podcasts or yoga when mines bad, stops the racing thoughts for a while.

Original poster
Unbelievable18 · 03/04/2019 14:23

@TellItLikeItReallyIs, thank you so much for your informative post. I know exactly what is going on with me from your list - Intermittent Reinforcement. A message here, a drink there. I know I need to block him completely and go no contact with him, numerous people have told me this but I haven't reached the point where I can do it yet.

It is long term. It has been a couple of years going on really. I guess the other thing keeping it going is the never knowing what he feels about me. Yes, I can read between every line and look at his actions, but it would really help if I could get an honest answer from him. I have to face that this is incredibly unlikely though.

@robinsarebins, this is exactly me as well: *From my end now I am no contact, I'm not making the effort any more.
But I know when he contacts me I will reply.
Now I am just using this thread to talk about him. * Thanks, I will have a look at meditation, I'm no good at yoga sadly! Hope you have had a better day today.

OP posts:
Howdoisortthis · 03/04/2019 19:11

Why can’t you ask him how he feels about you? If it’s being going on for years it’s not unreasonable.