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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with me?

40 replies

PoppyD93x · 31/03/2019 21:32

Okay I'll try really hard not to drip feed here.

Myself and my partner have been together for 3 years. We have a 7 month old together and i have a 5 year old from a previous relationship. We live together and have lived together for a year.

My partner has a split personality. Hes doing okay at the moment as he is now on anti depressants and learning to deal with his feelings but before now he has been emotionally abusive to me for the past 2 years. When i say 2 years it was probably once a month maybe twice. Everytime we had the smallest argument he would throw his toys out the pram if he didn't get his own way. He would always say the same things like i dont love you anymore, i haven't loved you for months, i hate you ect. When we we're first together he broke up with me 3 times within the first 6 months all over silly arguments. The worst thing hes said to me is if i break up with him he will take me to court and take the youngest off me and not let me see him as i am an unfit mother. Not sure why he even said that i do absolutely everything for him and the kids.

Like i said hes doing okay now but i feel like its a little too late now. Hes hurt me so much. I used to beg for him to love me and beg for him to stay with me but now im just numb from it all. I think i still love him but at the same time i dont feel any emotions towards him anymore. When hes nice hes so over the top, in my face all the time, kissing me all over, telling me he loves constantly. It's too much. Especially after the hate an anger hes shown me.

Like I've said hes changed now he's been doing really well for the last 3 months but is it too little too late? I dont know. What would you all do?

Just want to say he's never hit me but he has chucked tables and plates which i know is just as bad. I know its abuse physical/financial/emotional its still abuse. Also he has done this infront of the children its usually when the eldest is asleep or at his dads.

I know this sounds terrible but i just want honest opinions on what you would do if it was your partner, the person you love.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 21:38

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Are you also confusing love in fact with codependency.
Why are his needs here more important than yours?
Did you yourself see domestic violence when you were growing up.
Why are you and he still together at all now?

He does not have to hit you to hurt you.
I would leave him because of emotional abuse. What you describe re him throwing stuff (presumably no items as well which he regards as his own) is domestic violence. This is no environment to be raising your children within.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2019 21:40

How is he learning to deal with his feelings exactly?. By using you still, to keep you in line. Split personality my arse as well, this individual is your common or garden abusive man and you are still with him for your own reasons. Do you at all think you should be raising your kids with someone like he?.

Original poster
PoppyD93x · 31/03/2019 21:46

@AttilaTheMeerkat I get a lot of laughs and hes great with the kids. He does his fair share around the house and works his ass off for us. He's great 80% of the time but that 20% is fucking awful.

I feel like if he was to be like that with me now I'd feel nothing, i wouldnt beg or try and make things better.

Im not sure if it is still love or codependency. I love him but not sure if im still in love with him.

No i didnt really see domestic violence a few arguments between my mum and dad but nothing major

OP posts:
SeventhWave · 31/03/2019 21:50

He can't take you to court and take your youngest off you. It doesn't work like that.

He is using it as a threat to keep you in line.

Original poster
PoppyD93x · 31/03/2019 21:56

@seventhwave i know hes using it as a threat thats why its so bad.

Can he really change tho. He hasn't said anything like that since starting the antidepressants and we haven't had any real arguments since then either. He says he feels so much better in himself and doesnt feel so angry anymore.

OP posts:
Susanna30 · 31/03/2019 21:59

None of the good things he does matter if he is being abusive and aggressive. Throwing objects around etc.. it will only escalate.

If your children witness this in the future or he aims his rage at them in the future, you have failed them. Show them what a safe and happy home is, by yourself.

Document everything that happens. Keep dates and times of all incidents. You may need evidence in the future.

Original poster
PoppyD93x · 31/03/2019 22:25

@Susanna30 What if he has changed tho? What if all he needed was a bit of help with the anti depressants

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 31/03/2019 22:29

Like Susanna says, keep a diary of what happens, just in case you need it. Personally I would seriously doubt there's going to be any permanent change in his behaviour.

Susanna30 · 01/04/2019 07:12

Because it's not worth the risk. You have kids to be thinking about and protecting.

If he stops taking the meds? If he reverts back or his his MH issues escalate? He's already shown he is capable of being aggressive.

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 07:16

As someone pointed out, your here writing this because you are at a turning point in your life.
Normally that you want to go, but need us to tell you it is ok to do that...
It is you know, you are allowed to want happiness.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/04/2019 07:17

The worst thing hes said to me is if i break up with him he will take me to court and take the youngest off me and not let me see him as i am an unfit mother

Isn’t that what all abusive men say to keep the woman in her place.

He must realise that in reality that is never going to happen

Original poster
PoppyD93x · 01/04/2019 07:49

So hard tho. It's so much easier to say leave him when you're not the one with him. He still says now as a joke if i leave him he'd stalk me forever.

I feel like I'm the one being horrible to him now as the damage has already been done between us. I told him i hated him in the middle of the night. I dont even know when i said that. It just came out.

All i used to want was for us to get married and now hes talking about proposing in my head im just like yeah I'll be trapped forever then. It would be the messiest divorce ever.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 01/04/2019 08:11

He still says now as a joke if i leave him he'd stalk me forever

That isn’t a joke. That is f**king creepy and would have me running for the hills

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 08:47

Marriage, yes too bind you tight.
Walk away. You know you want too

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2019 08:55

He's not joking and he hasn't changed
Don't waste any more of your life with him

Karigan195 · 01/04/2019 09:02

I would leave. I did leave on a similar situation. Actually I feel I stayed too long and it escalated but everything you describe is how it started.

Time40 · 01/04/2019 09:11

Just want to say he's never hit me but he has chucked tables and plates which i know is just as bad

Not the main issue, but in NO WAY is chucking stuff about as bad as hitting someone. It's miles away from actual physical violence against a person.

Lozzerbmc · 01/04/2019 09:17

Playing Devils advocate here. So stay, he is only horrible 20pc of the time, you could get old plates ready for him to throw...?

Or you could have a nice life 100pc of the time if you leave. It doesnt have to be immediate you need to plan it, get your money together, get a job if you dont already have one.

Who said he had a split personality ? him? Its an excuse for bad behaviour making out ‘he cannot help it’. He can. I’d worry for the children personally you need to protect them.

And being told regularly he doesnt love you etc, going to take away child thats awful. You really want to live life under that type of strain?

You and your children deserve better than that. Your DCs wil grow up thinking being abusive to each other is normal for grown ups ...

Lozzerbmc · 01/04/2019 09:19

Actually not each other, you are not abusive to him (it was a turn of phrase) . Good luck OP

Original poster
PoppyD93x · 01/04/2019 10:09

@time40 okay sorry now ive thought about it its not as bad as hitting of course not but i dont think its far off. Especially if the item thrown could of hit someone. I was never hit with the items but both times he did it he ruined the wooden floors.

I said to him when he said he would change that he had a year to change the way he is (as i know it takes time for anti depressants to kick in) and so far hes changed a lot so i feel bad if i left him now as i know he is trying. Feel like hes really damaged me though

OP posts:
pallasathena · 01/04/2019 10:17

I think you need to realise that you are wasting your life with this pathetic excuse for a man.He is damaging your mental health and destroying your children precious early years.
I also think you should wake up to the fact that all this 'drama', all these evil mind games that he's playing on you will eventually destroy you.
Wake up OP.
Get angry and stop being so bloody accommodating.

MashedSpud · 01/04/2019 10:18

Your children are around this.

Your partner seems like the type whose mugshot will end up on the front of a newspaper. I hope for yours and your children’s sakes he isn’t.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/04/2019 10:32

I think regardless of how he has changed you will always be waiting for him to change back. The uncertainty of which of his personalities will walk through the door at the end of the day and the damage has already been done.

Whilst he might go on to be the perfect husband and his behaviour was solely down to depression. For you this relationship has had too many negatives and bad memories and has come to an end.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2019 10:42

My instinct would be to leave if it was me. I wouldn't have tolerated him breaking up 3 times in the first 6 months tbh.

My thoughts are...there's something that made you accept that behaviour and you need to explore why you did...along with accepting everything else he did.

I sometimes think mental health is an excuse to abuse and hide under the umbrella, but if he's changed since being on medication, then there's a chance his MH was a large part of the problem. Certainly not all of it.

More than a vow to change, I'd want to see deep remorse for his past behaviour and acknowledgement of how awful he was.

If, I had the inclination to stay as you do, then I would make it very clear that one foot out of line in the form of a repeat of previous abuse and the relationship would be over for good.

I can't see this being a lasting change and that's because you've shown him excessive and possibly obsessive love, in spite of how he's treated you.

Original poster
PoppyD93x · 01/04/2019 11:47

@pallasathena that's what im worried about, wasting my life with him. But at the moment i cant see my life without him.

@Oliversmumsarmy i agree. Even if we so much as bicker i think thats it hes gonna break up with me or say something horrible again. IF i dont finish with him in the mean time the next time he breaks up with me I'll definetly leave for good.

@SandyY2K what made me accept his behaviour was that i did love him more than anything else in the world. We met online and spoke for months before finally meeting up. He was great, he was amazing with my eldest son and he still is.

Hes the sort of guy that would transfer 1p to my bank account just to still be in contact with me 😂

OP posts: