What is wrong with me?

[PoppyD93x]

Okay I'll try really hard not to drip feed here.

Myself and my partner have been together for 3 years. We have a 7 month old together and i have a 5 year old from a previous relationship. We live together and have lived together for a year.

My partner has a split personality. Hes doing okay at the moment as he is now on anti depressants and learning to deal with his feelings but before now he has been emotionally abusive to me for the past 2 years. When i say 2 years it was probably once a month maybe twice. Everytime we had the smallest argument he would throw his toys out the pram if he didn't get his own way. He would always say the same things like i dont love you anymore, i haven't loved you for months, i hate you ect. When we we're first together he broke up with me 3 times within the first 6 months all over silly arguments. The worst thing hes said to me is if i break up with him he will take me to court and take the youngest off me and not let me see him as i am an unfit mother. Not sure why he even said that i do absolutely everything for him and the kids.

Like i said hes doing okay now but i feel like its a little too late now. Hes hurt me so much. I used to beg for him to love me and beg for him to stay with me but now im just numb from it all. I think i still love him but at the same time i dont feel any emotions towards him anymore. When hes nice hes so over the top, in my face all the time, kissing me all over, telling me he loves constantly. It's too much. Especially after the hate an anger hes shown me.

Like I've said hes changed now he's been doing really well for the last 3 months but is it too little too late? I dont know. What would you all do?

Just want to say he's never hit me but he has chucked tables and plates which i know is just as bad. I know its abuse physical/financial/emotional its still abuse. Also he has done this infront of the children its usually when the eldest is asleep or at his dads.

I know this sounds terrible but i just want honest opinions on what you would do if it was your partner, the person you love.

@time40 okay sorry now ive thought about it its not as bad as hitting of course not but i dont think its far off. Especially if the item thrown could of hit someone

Actually OP, now I've thought about a bit more, I think it's probably sometimes closer to hitting someone that I previously believed. I think it depends on the nature of the chucking-about! I was thinking of the sort of chucking-about of things that people sometimes do when they're extremely depressed - the sort that isn't directed against anyone else. If it's done with anger against someone else, and yes, as you say, if something could hit someone, it could be quite threatening.

Good luck, OP. I agree with everyone else - I don't think this man will change, and I think you ought to get out. He does sound abusive.

There is only one way for him to change, and that is if he wants to - and judging by his recent comments about stalking you, then he clearly doesn't want to change.

Dya know what? Before I started my antidepressants I was a cunt. A nasty, jealous, aggressive, spiteful person. I was always angry and I wasn't nice to be around.
That changed when I started Venlafaxine. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I'm patient, relaxed and feel I've finally become the person I was always meant to be.
This could be the same with your partner.
I know we shouldn't confuse mental health with abuse but mental health can cause destructive behaviour, even to those around you.
I expect to be in the minority with this and please don't think I make excuses for domestic abuse as I was in a very horrific relationship which escalated to rape and attempted murder. I'm usually the first to say run run run but I just wanted to share my own experience with antidepressants changing my life and personality.
However your feelings are relevant and sometimes change isn't enough, it leaves a scar. If you think you will always feel this way then the best thing to do is to end it.

@Iooselipssinkships nice to see it from a different point of view. I think some of it is down to his mental health but definetly not all. He started getting depressed when he lost his job 2 years ago. But what about breaking up with me randomly in the first 6 months cant put that down to his depression as he was fine then. Ive tried to let go of the past but it keeps coming back up. He always apologises when it happens but its just words. I suppose hes proving it now with actions by changing but it still doesn't feel enough.

Throwing plates and tables is a form of abuse, its designed to make you afraid and in your place. I truly hope your DH has changed since taking the meds, but promise yourself if he reverts, just the one time whatever it is, then protect yourself and your children and leave him. Anti depressants can help get people on track but perhaps he should have counselling too as it sounds like he needs anger management

He has changed a lot since starting anti depressants. With me he has anyway not too sure about other aspects of his life though.

He defo needs counselling but with working 12 hours a day and sometimes working away its hard to find the time.
Im on a waiting list for my health anxiety to see a counsellor and its a 6 month wait.

Antidepressants don't bring about lasting personality change. He feels entitled to treat you the way he does, it's a problem with his belief system primarily. I strongly doubt the medication will mean he's never abusive again, it's rarely that simple!

Also, there's no such thing as a 'split personality'

@Jiggles101
"There's no such thing as split personality"

Maybe the OP hasn't been told the proper name for the disorder and this is how it has been communicated to her?

I assume he has Multiple Personality Disorder.

OP: here is a story about emotional abuse. It really resonated with me. Basically, he can be good 80% of the time but that 20% is leaving more damage than you can imagine. www.tinatessina.com/nail_fence.html

I stayed in a relationship like this for years before I realised I was drowning and damaged and needed to leave (together 21 years). I spent years justifiying that we still had some good times, I loved him etc, like you are doing above. 2 years on after leaving I am still not back to myself. I am nearly there, but every little things throws me for days. Unfortunately I still have to deal with my ex as we are selling a house and have kids, whenever he is abusive to me again it sets me back weeks.

Once you start seeing the behaviour for what it is, even 1% is too much. By the way, there is nothing wrong with you. You become numb to protect yourself. Some times even if the person can change (which is unlikely to happen overnight or without years and years of therapy) the damage is done.

Have a look at Lundy Bancroft too. The book is called "Why does he do that". Its a good read into if and how abusive men can change.

On the link I shared just read the top bit, the story about the boy, not all the focus on forgiveness (I just looked and didn't see that on there).

*There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. One day, his father gave him a bag of nails and a hammer. The father, then asked the son to hammer a nail into the back of the fence every time he lost his temper going forward. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger a bit, the number of nails hammered daily gradually started

to dwindle down. Soon he discovered, it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence….

Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper. He was thrilled to tell his father about it. As he shared this achievement, the father suggested that he now go ahead and pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The day passed and the young boy was finally able to eventually remove all the nails from the fence. He was even more excited this time to share this new achievement with his father. As expected, the father was extremely pleased. He congratulated the son and told him how proud he was for this achievement.

However, the father, slowly led the boy to the fence and se said, “You have done well, my son. I am very proud of you for what you have achieved today! But look at the holes in the fence. They will remain there forever. The fence will never be the same. Similarly, when you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. But, a verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends and loved ones are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Water your relationships with kindness… and they will grow. So be careful little lips what you say… and you won’t chase friendships away.“

The boy now stood silent as he began to understand the value of the lesson his wise father tactfully taught him.

This was a life changing lesson his father just shared indeed. This story is probably not new and you might have read or heard it before. But to me, every time this brings a fresh perspective and each time I am reminded of the side effects of not keeping my anger in control.*

What has he actually been diagnosed with? Does he go to counselling as well?

Whether he has changed or not, it may be short term. He may decide he’s fixed and stop taking his medication which starts the cycle of ups and downs you can get with certain mental health diagnoses. There are specific ones that have this trend, get on meds, feel great, think, oh, I am healthy and not need meds but not enough cognition to realize the only reason they are that health is due to the meds. Crash or go almost manic and then someone, wherever it be a loved one or a dr due to being potentially admitted get them back on meds again. This goes until the feel good again and they decide to go off the meds again. It repeats over and over...

If you are done, you are done. He won’t be able to take your child away. That is a manipulation tactic used by abusers. If anything he may get less time due to his emotional abuse! You can potentially make it a condition that he be on his medication in order to be seeing the child for the child’s safety.

Thanks for all your replies. His told me its over earlier because i moan too much. I do moan but only because i have to tell him to do nearly everything. Cant use his own initiative!! Oh yeah lets wait and see if he trys to talk to me.

No matter how bad people get treated they wont leave until they're emotionally ready to. Im giving it until june. If i dont feel any better about the relationship i will leave then for good as i dont want to waste anymore of my life with someone whos not forever.

Upthread you wrote "if he says its over again I will leave."
Where's your pride? Waiting til June? I'd say fair enough asshole, I'm done with you.

I havent taken him back or anything i just said that he has to leave not me and the kids

Namechange there's no such thing as multiple personality disorder either.

There is a Dissociative Identity Disorder but it's incredibly rare and I'd be gobsmacked if this is actually what this guy has. It's a very complex and serious illness, not something you can treat with antidepressants!