Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant to my abusive ex!

31 replies

MumRose2019 · 31/03/2019 00:34

Hi, so Iv just found out 2weeks ago I am pregnant to my abusive ex!
I got with him I July2018 from then to January2019 he as been done for smashing my car, my windows my door in harassing me and physically assaulting me. The last episode was in January when I left him after social services involvement with my daughter who is not his!! In February after a few nights out I have ended up back at his house for the night! The last time I went was the begging of March when he chased me around his flat and tried hitting me because I had my brother joggers on, he thought they was somebody else’s! Since then I left and didn’t contact him again untill March 16thMarch when I had taken a positive test. He was not interested called me every name under the sun, a few days later I tried again with him. He was “talkative” then abusive. He’s demanded lie detector tests and DNA tests. What I have said I will do! The past week or so he as phoned and texted abuse all day because I can’t reply or anwser his call straight away due to been at work. On a evening when Iv finished work I try phone him and he decides to block my number, I have turned up at his flat after sending me lots of abuse and he refuses to come to the door. He will only ever speak at day time then after 7pm I am blocked.
I dont want to bring a baby into this, I am 25 with a 5year old girl and brought her up on my own. I don’t want this for another baby, yes I know I have put myself in this situation but would just like some advice from people who have been in the same situation. I love him and have chased him everyday and just feel like I am been laughed at and bullied by him! He tells me he cares about me just doubting the baby is his, he constantly checks up on me I honestly don’t know what to think anymore!

OP posts:
Hellenbackagen · 31/03/2019 00:45

honestly? how far are you because you would be absolutely barking mad to bring a baby into this. he is your ex for a reason. he is abusive and bullying and yet you are chasing him and love him? you will do an awful lot of damage to a child caught up in this mess.
if you are not far along i wouldnt hesitate in terminating because if you have a child with him you are tied to him for the next 18 years at least. thats when he finally decides he believes you and demands contact. 18 years of abuse, game playing, unreasonable demands, not to mention the damage it would do to a child.

warriorprincessandwidowed · 31/03/2019 00:52

Hold on how did you end up pregnant by him if ss said stay away to protect tour daughter???

OneInAMillionYou · 31/03/2019 00:56

In your situation I would terminate. A baby would tie you to this vile creature for life.

Take some time to figure out a birth control method which is reliable and suits you. At 25 you really ought to have figured this out!

Hellenbackagen · 31/03/2019 02:05

i think if you are going to continue to sleep with this idiot you definitely need some reliable contraception.

and the number for jeremy kyle - at least he can arrange the lie detector and dna tests....

op you are mad. walk away and stay away. you know he is abusive yet you are chasing him ? why?? get some self respect and think about your daughter. social services being involved means this is seriously wrong.

EnjoyItAll · 31/03/2019 08:58

you are being laughed at and bullied by him. read your thread back to yourself and ask yourself why you keep chasing him?! your putting yourself in the firing line constantly and now he knows about the baby you run this risk of being attached to him for life! you need to block him and stay away from him and seriously consider it you want this baby

7yo7yo · 31/03/2019 09:04

Probably not popular opinion but I’d have to terminate.
This will give him a hold over you all your life.

7yo7yo · 31/03/2019 09:04

And don’t tell him.

IncrediblySadToo · 31/03/2019 09:10

You’re 25, you have a 5yo DD. You need to grow up, and fast.

Read your own posts. Stop thinking he ‘loves you’ or you ‘love him’. It’s not love.

You need to have a termination and look after the daughter you have.

Stop chasing this dick head and stop having sex with him. In fact, with anyone until you sort your head out.

happytobemrsg · 31/03/2019 09:12

I’d also terminate in your situation- otherwise you’d never be truly free of him

KelAssouf · 31/03/2019 09:22

I have a young baby to my emotionally abusive ex partner. I didn't realise he was abusive until I left. I just thought he was a bit mean sometimes. Every day it hits me harder how seriously awful his behaviour has been and how much it has damaged me.

I am fairly sure once he is old enough the courts are going to award him unsupervised access. This absolutely kills me. He's a vile human being and has no business in raising my son and subjecting him to abuse also. Sadly our courts aren't very good at protecting children from this type of behaviour.

The posts from pp are really hitting me quite hard regarding having my son. They would likely to have told me to have a termination also. I love my son. I feel incredibly guilty too.

Struggling this Mother's Day - I don't want to tell you what to do and I would never wish away my dear beautiful son, but it would be much easier if he had a kind, non-abusive father.

S1naidSucks · 31/03/2019 09:24

Grow the fuck up, before you lose your daughter! SS have already been involved and once they find out you’re chasing this piece of abusive fucker, they’re going to take steps to protect your poor wee girl. That could mean they will remove her from your care. She doesn’t deserve to have this bastard in her life. She’s an innocent in all of this and you’re going to make her a victim of abuse. How can you even contemplate allowing and abusive man be involved in her life? That’s such a selfish thing for a mother to do.

Who is more important to you, OP? Your selfish, abusive partner or your innocent daughter, because you will have to chose one or the other. You can’t have both. Even if SS don’t remove her now, you will lose her love and respect as she grows up.

Bobbycat121 · 31/03/2019 09:34

I dont usually say this but I would terminate the pregnancy. Your life will be hell with him in it for the next 18 years

AgentJohnson · 31/03/2019 12:24

You can not continue to prioritise this man over your DD and pregnant by him after SS involvement is prioritising him.

So OP decide, him or your daughter? Luckily SS will make that decision if you choose unwisely.

Original poster
MumRose2019 · 31/03/2019 13:28

Social services are not involved no more, they closed the case with no concern.
I will not have him in my daughters life, he doesn’t need to be in my daughters life he is not her dad and I don’t agree with other people brining somebody else child up. The reason I HAVE BROUGHT MY DAUGHTER UP ALONE. I do not want to be with him, I’m just hoping he would change his ways for the BABYs sake! I would never be allowed with him if I wanted to, but that doesn’t stop me letting him be a dad if he was to change! I obviously care how he th me because I don’t want it to effect the unborn baby, it will never effect my daughter because he will never have to be around her.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/03/2019 13:42

He's not going to change for the baby's sake. He's shown you what sort of person he is, stop imagining what things could be like if he was a different person, see him as he is, not who he could be.

He's not going to transform.

Face up to the fact you picked a wrong un and work out what you do next, situation as it is, without all the fantasy about him.

Bobbycat121 · 31/03/2019 14:32

ss will be back if they know you still have contact with him

adulthumanwolf · 31/03/2019 16:12

I would terminate the pregnancy.

PatriciaHolm · 31/03/2019 20:12

He's abusive. He isn't going to change.

You have this baby, you will never get social services out of your lives. You run the very real risk of losing both children - you know that already yet you still decided to sleep with him on several occasions. You can't trust your own judgment about him, so social services certainly won't trust you.

OneInAMillionYou · 31/03/2019 20:35

You're sounding delusional now, OP.

If this guy is in YOUR life, he is in your daughter's life. How can you not get that?
From your last post it seems you want to carry on with this shitshow, so I am sure SS will again be a presence in your life.

I will never understand what possesses women to breed with these men, thus perpetuating the circle of abuse. It isn't 'love' by the way, it's a car crash.
Your poor daughter.

Order654 · 31/03/2019 20:45

You would be insane to continue with this pregnancy. He will never change and he sounds like a pure asshole.

PositiveVibez · 31/03/2019 20:46

What on earth gives you the idea that he is going to change??????

Jaffacakebeast · 31/03/2019 20:54

Get a grip! He won’t change. SS will be back if you have a child with this man, they don’t won’t him near your daughter, what makes you think thing will be easy with his own child. I would 100% have an abortion, get this man out of yours and your dd life for good. Maybe get some counselling so you never tolerate this sort of thing from a boyfriend again

ArkAtEe · 31/03/2019 21:00

My mum's ex was abusive. And when she gave birth to my half-sister (his daughter) he got even worse. He moved away when she was four and things started to improve for her and she was so much happier without him. But then he came back and the change in her was awful to see. She has many problems because of him and will for the rest of her life.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2019 00:12

Why would you want this abusive man in your life?

You've made a poor decision by continuing to sleep with this abuser.

Sorry...but there comes a time you need to accept responsibility for the position you find yourself in. This man didn't just become abusive.... he's been that way for some time.

Februaryblooms · 01/04/2019 00:50

Social services are going to have huge concerns about the fact you've gone on to have a baby by this man after what has happened. If you don't want your life and that of your daughters turned upside down then you need to cease contact with him,

I know somebody who has had 4 children removed from her care and subsequently adopted because she just wouldn't stay away from her abusive on/off partner.

Despite this, she has gone on to get pregnant by him again and felt she had to abort the pregnancy because she didn't have a chance in hell of being able to keep the baby.

The toxic dynamic has ruined her life and that of her four children, one of which isn't his.

Pregnancy aside, you absolutely could lose your daughter over this man. Social services don't mess around when it comes to safeguarding children where there is domestic abuse, they will take a very dim view of the fact you're actively pursuing contact.

A baby won't make him better, it will make him worse. Please believe me.