Very dysfunctional marriage

[upupupandawayyy]

I am living in a marriage that has been fine but following the death of my closest friend I have been contemplating a lot.

I'd really like to know if anyone who has been married 20 plus years also feels like this and has experienced any of this because I can't get any clarity. When I get clarity the situation sounds odd and horrific but I soon slip back into everyday life, which is comfortable.

I met my DH when I was a child, We married quickly and had 5 children. I stayed at home. I chose him because he was the safe option. He was a fairly good provider, worked hard, helped with the children and I knew he adored me- and always will.

But I never found him sexy and for the past 10 years or so I have simply let him have sex with me, to fulfil his needs, stop him getting bad tempered with the children etc. My friend dying has made me realise how I have missed out that way. But that was my choice.

I never earned a lot and he would never have a joint account, he earned well and paid the bills and if I wanted food for the family he would accompany me to the supermarket. I have tried numerous times over the years to get work outside the home but he has always said that if I did he would give up his job to look after the children as he didn't want them in childcare. I chose not to work.

He doesn't like it if I go out, he will call and text numerous times and send cute pictures of the children. Once he turned up at the pub to get me when I was out because it was past midnight. So I chose not to go out without him.

He is very controlling in all ways but does try and change if I draw attention to it. For example if I've cleaned the bathroom he will clean over the top of it. when he gets gone from work he checks if I have hung the children's uniforms up, go and check I have locked the car. There are more examples. I chose to accept this.

He literally would go to the ends of the world to keep me happy, I have threatened to leave a few times over the years and he has begged and begged. Then told me fine I can go but he is not leaving and he is keeping the kids and will use all his money to get custody.

I feel suddenly mortified at what I have done. How could I be so foolish choosing this mediocre life over a life of fun and freedom. Then on the other hand I feel like I have a loyal partner who will never let me down.

My own health is failing now, I am getting older, losing friends. I have adult children, will soon have grandchildren and I feel utterly trapped. I feel embarrassed to write this here and mortified at even admitting this to myself.

Is this just the loss I have felt, will I get over it and find my daily rhythm again. And lodge my head back in the sand.

You cannot put your head back in the sand now, the genie is now out of the bottle. You know deep down that his treatment of you is wrong and you cannot unsee that now. Do not deny the truth of your situation to your own self.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He has let you down and abjectly so by abusing the person i.e. you whom he professes to love. He's never loved you and does not know the meaning of the word. He may think he loves you but he has controlled you and kept you in a cage of his own paranoid making here.

Abuse like you describe in indeed insidious in its onset and such men are master manipulators. Practically everything you write about him is a red flag and an abuse indicator. Also they can often appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world. Being totally controlled financially and socially as you have been by him, along with fear of him often keeps women like yourself within such controlling relationships too. You may well have seen similar at home when you were growing up too.

He has only wanted to keep one person here i.e. his own self happy and at your (and your children's too) overall expense. You have never been an equal in this relationship at all but abused repeatedly and throughout your entire relationship particularly after marriage. He has also said the usual things such abusive men say to keep their intended target in line and they do this because it works for them. He cares not a jot for his now near adult children who have also seen you being abused by him. Would you want this type of relationship for them too, no you would not. What have they learnt from the two of you about relationships however?.

He is not your jailer ultimately but he has indeed treated you like a prisoner. You can and should break free of this gilded cage he has kept you in because this is abusive and you are in a cage. You have a choice re him still, your children do not. It will only be too late for your own self when you are yourself dead. You have been in an abusive and controlling relationship your whole life with him.

What do your now adult children think of you and he?. You are not trapped and he is not your keeper. You have taken a first and brave step by writing on here, there is always a way out and you can and should ultimately divorce this man.

Are you in the UK; there are womens organisations who can and will help you with leaving your abuser and coercive control is now a crime.

Thank you - I really appreciate your perspective. You are right deep down I have known and over the years I have tried to broach the subjects. Among friends who dropped off it became a joke really.

The issue for me is that I have let this happen. I have known and been fully aware.It feels like he has also convinced me to keep having more children although I adore them and have very close relationships with them.

I left home at 16, went to live with him and his family and we got engaged that year and married at 18. My childhood was terrible and I'm fully aware of the link. I just wish I could go back and tell my younger self.

If I ever say he is being unkind he will say 'I'm nice, I'm not unkind!' And he accuses me of making things up.

I have no money, few friends, no family. He is a lovely man truly in so many ways. And I believe he genuinely adores me. It's so difficult to get clarity.

My children are always on my side and are protective of me. They obviously hate any conflict though and in the past have blamed me if there has been any. Because it has always been if I have been protesting about the insidious behaviour that he denies repeatedly.

Wow, that is real and present abuse from him. You should see a solicitor who specialises in family/divorce law. You are entitled to half of everything that includes his savings that he has spirited away. A decent solicitor should hear you out first before charging you so don't worry about costs just yet.
You are a prisoner in an an invisible gaol and if he adored you he wouldn't treat you like this. He does not see you as his equal.

I am a prisoner. But because if my terrible childhood this has kept me safe and I feel like I have been to blame. I have reaped the rewards of being able to stay at home and nurture my children- nurturing I never had. I have enjoyed half terms with them, been able to go to every appointment and assembly stress free. He has dealt with bills so I haven't had the stress of that. He earns a good wage- I always tell him it's weird he doesn't add me on to the account but he says it's because I will spend it and he needs to keep it too if things. I just feel so confused and stupid. And weak. My blood pressure is sky high. I can't look people in the eye. I miss my friend who knew from 17 years ago what the score was and always came to see me and take me out.

I knew what was happening and went along with it.

Hi upupandawayyy,

You did not necessarily let this happen but you are aware now of the full reality of your abusive marriage. Abuse like you describe is indeed insidious in its onset and after your childhood any male relationship would have been seen as an escape from all that. Your own boundaries, skewed as they were by your childhood, made you an easier target for an abusive individual to further exploit and use.

You cannot answer my question about what you get out of this relationship now so what does that tell you?.

Would your now deceased friend want you to merely exist for him like you do now, no she would not. And you should indeed not either.

re your comment:-

" He is a lovely man truly in so many ways. And I believe he genuinely adores me. It's so difficult to get clarity"

Read about Stockholm syndrome, this is a type of emotional bonding that is in reality a survival strategy for victims of emotional and physical abuse .

No he is NOT a lovely man at all if he has and still treats you like this. He deliberately kept you barefoot and pregnant cynically using these children to keep you trapped and controlled. And no he does not adore you either; you are but a bird in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making. You do not have a life of your own at all, you have no freedom or autonomy at all. You are not and have never been an equal partner in this marriage; you have remained abused and subservient throughout. He should be in prison for what he has done to you, and forcing himself upon you is rape. Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course; you have been thoroughly conditioned to accept your lot in life. Your own parents started that particular rot with you and he has merely continued it. He targeted you deliberately because your boundaries were very much skewed by your own childhood, he merely exploited that further.

Your own chaotic and dysfunctional childhood certainly played a huge part in you meeting and subsequently marrying this abusive man.

Accusing you of making things up is what is called gaslighting and is a form of psychological abuse. Your post is one of the very worst cases of abuse I have read about on MN and I have sadly read many over the years. Such men always but always deny abuse; he is really absolutely typical of what abusive men can and do say to their intended target i.e. you here to keep you in check.

There is always a way out and you have your family in the form of your adult children to support you. You are not on your own here and there is help for you. You need to be brave and take that first step out of this abusive marriage, a marriage which has also affected your children to their detriment too.

You have been beaten down and conditioned by him too for many years now, time to draw a line in the sand and say no more to being abused rather than merely just burying your head in the sand. That does you no favours at all in the long run and doing that denies your own truth further.

Would you be willing to talk to someone like Womens Aid or your local domestic violence group?. Such do exist and are there to help women like you.

You went along with it because after your childhood anything was better than that and felt safe. People tend to stick with what they know and you only knew abuse. Sadly (and that is an understatement) you (and in turn your children) have been further abused by your now husband.

Its not your fault that this has happened to you; the fault lies solely with the perpatraitors.

He is financially abusing you as well and such men are rarely if ever solely financially abusive. Your husband is not worthy of the term and is abusive towards you in multiple ways. He is truly a dangerous individual to be at all around and any escape needs to be planned with care.

You need a refuge place.

Thank you for taking time to respond to me. It is useful to have your affirmations to read back. Many years ago I called a hotline, I confided in people at church, I told my friend who was a doctor who ran a mile. So I just carried on. It's amazing how your brain can cope with reality and convince yourself he is real.

Because if my childhood my adult children I feel would blame me if I split the marriage up. My other children are 12 and 15 so not long until they are older too.

Yet your adult children would want the right to leave someone abusive, wouldn't they?

Yes they would and they would want me to be happy.

You say your children have always been on your side, yet they've blamed you in the past? It can't be both ways. You need to break free of him. What about Women's Aid? He doesn't 'adore' you, he's abusing you.

I meant that if any argument starts they will say to me 'Don't Mum', just forget about it. Wanting me to avoid the argument in case it escalates but knowing I'm right.

They are afraid of setting their dad off, that is why they act as they do. They are walking on eggshells too.

Your adult children would not blame you for ending this abusive marriage, thinking otherwise is what you have been conditioned into believing.

Please call Women’s aid and discuss this with them, their number is 0808 2000 247

How old are you. because my maths works you are around 40, definitely under 50.

You are talking as though you are in your 80s.

I'll be honest. You could be me. There are so many similarities. Except I had 2 kids and I worked. Because he was a shit provider.

The bad childhood, the safe option, the 'choosing' to not go out unless he is there, the control, the letting him have sex with you so he doesnt get arsey, the sending photos when I did go out, the controlling money etc, the marrying young.

I lasted until my mid 30s. Yes I had a job which made it easier. But you can get a job. It may not a career job at first and may not be something you always dreamed of. But you can get a job. He didn't want you to get a job because it's how he controls you.

He doesnt adore you. That's another way he keeps control and gets away with what he does. He makes you think he adores you so you feel you must stay or over look his shitty behaviour.

You dont treat people you adore like the way he is treating you.

I am now 37, I am getting divorced, have a great Dp who I fancy like mad, the kids are happy, I am in control of my money.

I am happy.

Life shouldnt be this miserable. You can be happy. You just need to chose to make start.

@upupandawayy I’ll give you a slight different perspective. My mum was in similar marriage with my dad. He controlled the money, the savings, he was strict, he was emotionally abusuvr. He was never violent.

My mum stayed because of us, the kids, but when my youngest sister was 17 she couldn’t do it anymore. She sat us down and told us she was leaving him, and we all supported her 100%. I loved my dad, but my mum had no life.

That was nearly 20 years ago. She’s travelled the world, had boyfriends, goes out dancing, on holidays with female friends. She secured some financial stability in the divorce and then worked extra.

You’re still young, it sounds like you’re only in your 40’s?? What you see and feel is the truth. You need to find the courage within to make a better life for yourself. It’s not too late and you’re children will help you xxx

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Reading your posts, it is clear to me how you could easily have ended up here in light of your own childhood. You sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve this. No one does.

Your kids would not want this for you. They will be scared of fallout etc but ultimately they would be horrified if they knew the extent of the position and how you are feeling. I know this as I have watched my own mum in a similar situation.

You don't have to make decisions in haste but at least start exploring options. Go and talk to a solicitor.

What happens when you want/need new clothes, or make up or a subscription to your favourite magazine . Do you have to ask him for money to buy them or does he give you ' pocket money ' for things like that ?
Does he pull his weight at home in the form of housework,cooking etc ?
I ask because he seems to have ground you right down and turned you into how he sees as the ' perfect ' housewife / stepford wife.
If you could see one of your adult children meeting a person like your husband, what advice would you give them ?

Get this right in your head now: you did not 'let' this happen. He created a situation in which you had no choice other than to let it happen. As others have said, he has abused you with coercion and control.

I cannot believe that you have had no money to call your own, to spend as you wish on yourself, provide the odd treat, etc. His treatment of you is textbook stuff and you need to get out.

From the way in which you write, I am guessing that you are an intelligent woman, so I urge you to believe that you can survive outside this toxic marriage. Take your chance with the time you have left, as we pass this way but once.

I wish you all the very best.

If I want clothes or make up he will come into town with me and pay it. That sounds absolutely unbelievable doesn't it.

I am reading and absorbing all the replies and I really appreciate them. Yes I'm in my 40s and still look and feel pretty youthful apart from my predicament.

You're only in your 40s, so there is still so much time for you to make your own and take back control of your life.

Please at least explore options so that you make an informed decision.

Your children will be fine, honestly. They will want more for you and will benefit from you being in a better situation.

None of this is your fault and it is definitely not too late to take action!

You are sooooo young op. Could you go for a short break on your own to consider things? Your Youngest are secondary school, they have a routine etc. Your dh’s threats re money etc aren’t valid. I think I you should have an informal chat with a solicitor (I remember going with my mum) just to suss things out a little more. Knowledge is key in this, know your rights.

This doesn’t have to be about love, or your childhood or how nice he otherwise is. It’s about your future and your happiness. Can you imagine an independent life? Does it make you want it...?