Very dysfunctional marriage

[upupupandawayyy]

I am living in a marriage that has been fine but following the death of my closest friend I have been contemplating a lot.

I'd really like to know if anyone who has been married 20 plus years also feels like this and has experienced any of this because I can't get any clarity. When I get clarity the situation sounds odd and horrific but I soon slip back into everyday life, which is comfortable.

I met my DH when I was a child, We married quickly and had 5 children. I stayed at home. I chose him because he was the safe option. He was a fairly good provider, worked hard, helped with the children and I knew he adored me- and always will.

But I never found him sexy and for the past 10 years or so I have simply let him have sex with me, to fulfil his needs, stop him getting bad tempered with the children etc. My friend dying has made me realise how I have missed out that way. But that was my choice.

I never earned a lot and he would never have a joint account, he earned well and paid the bills and if I wanted food for the family he would accompany me to the supermarket. I have tried numerous times over the years to get work outside the home but he has always said that if I did he would give up his job to look after the children as he didn't want them in childcare. I chose not to work.

He doesn't like it if I go out, he will call and text numerous times and send cute pictures of the children. Once he turned up at the pub to get me when I was out because it was past midnight. So I chose not to go out without him.

He is very controlling in all ways but does try and change if I draw attention to it. For example if I've cleaned the bathroom he will clean over the top of it. when he gets gone from work he checks if I have hung the children's uniforms up, go and check I have locked the car. There are more examples. I chose to accept this.

He literally would go to the ends of the world to keep me happy, I have threatened to leave a few times over the years and he has begged and begged. Then told me fine I can go but he is not leaving and he is keeping the kids and will use all his money to get custody.

I feel suddenly mortified at what I have done. How could I be so foolish choosing this mediocre life over a life of fun and freedom. Then on the other hand I feel like I have a loyal partner who will never let me down.

My own health is failing now, I am getting older, losing friends. I have adult children, will soon have grandchildren and I feel utterly trapped. I feel embarrassed to write this here and mortified at even admitting this to myself.

Is this just the loss I have felt, will I get over it and find my daily rhythm again. And lodge my head back in the sand.

He goes to the ends if the earth to keep you in 'your place'.

The loss and grief is giving you clarity. Life is short.

I hear you. You are so close to that moment of clarity. Mine came when I went to training in my role as Deputy Designated Teacher for child protection with Women’s Aid. Before the woman spoke she made a point of saying that she didn’t know anything about our backgrounds and that some of what we spoke about could be triggering/real life for some. As the day went on I knew what she meant. I had normalised how I was treated. I had retreated to one room of my house. I had used my salary to pay for more and more. I lived in fear in my own house. And hadn’t seen it. Almost 6 years on ...I am in debt. But that debt bought me my freedom. He’s gone. The house is mine. All mine. It’s my home. Every room. My children are 24/21. They have no contact with their dad. They tried. But he couldn’t show them even a modicum of respect towards me. So they sat together and blocked him from their phones etc. That is a sad state of affairs. But it is their choice.

Please keep yourself safe. Yes..he maybe wouldn’t physically hurt you. But you are damaged. Don’t let him damage you any more. Life is short and precious.

That really resonates- I also have retreated to one room in the house. And yes over the past week or two the flood gates have opened, it just feels impossible thinking of a way forward.

He literally would go to the ends of the world to keep me happy

Is that what he tells you? Because it's bollocks. He gaslights you and financially abuses you.

Make the decision that you will take your life back, and then start working out how to do it.

Both work part time. Tax free allowance makes this easier. Childcare is easier if your youngest is 12. Working may make things less lonely and give you a bit of financial stability.

OP - if you are in your 40s you have years and years ahead of you to be happy without this awful man.

I left my husband and got a new job in my late 50s - it wasn't easy but i feel so much happier without him.

You can do this!

OP I am so sad to read this. It's the financial and emotional control that points to a very unhealthy relationship one where you are not allowed to have a normal life. There is another existence beyond this. It will take courage to make a call to Women's Aid but the support is there. You won't be alone and you won't lose your children. The law will protect you. Be brave and take that step. This is the number of Women's Aid / Refuge: 0808 2000 247

Do the Freedom Programme at your earliest convenience. It will really help you. Go along to the course, where you will meet others in a similar position.

It's tough when you start to realise what's been happening. But hold on, this will pass. There is a way out and you can find it. Many of us have

This is an abusive, controlling and nasty man whose abuse includes controlling you so much that you won't allow yourself to acknowledge his control. He is not a nice man.

You are not wrong to start realising this. Escaping is not easy but it is possible. You don't have to do it alone.

A lot of what he says is lies. He doesn't actually want to be a sahp for the kids - he is saying that to make you feel hopeless.

I've been happily married for 40 years. But I was also unhappy married before that. I have recently had councelling and have just done the Freedom Programme to finally realise just how abusive my first husband and my father were.

You are a prisoner, not a partner or lover or friend. You need to get out. Even if you have to go to A&E to get someone to listen to you, GO!!!

He has made you feel thankful for ‘allowing ‘ you to look after your children! What he has really been doing is using the kids as a control mechanism. Now you have no pension saved because you haven’t worked. Break free. Like others have said. He’s become your jailor.

I really do appreciate the support here. I know it all sounds so ridiculous to write it down. I will look at the freedom plan. I need to get strong and look at practical solutions. I can't melt life pass me by like this any more.

Be kind to yourself. Hindsight is a marvellous thing but you were a child when you met him and he is like family to you. And we tend to put up with things related to family more readily than other people. Remember what your children were like at 16 - that was once you - still a child in an adult's body. You sound kind and generous - don't be upset at the choices you made because you have a kind and generous person. But now you see more clearly - live your life how you want to. Good luck.

Any chance of getting some counselling by yourself?
You’d find it a real help

What would you like to do? Do you have any skills that could make an income (eg dressmaking, cooking). Could you confide in someone? You need to make a plan for your future starting with an exit plan because he sounds like he could be very unpredictable if he realises you are escaping his clutches. Don't act until you get everything in place.

Woman's Aid or your local council may be of help, this is emotional abuse.

There's probably people here that could help too (don't know where you are) a spare room for a couple of months whilst you can apply for benefits and get yourself sorted

Your children are old enough for you to get a job.
Tell him it is for a special surprise for him.
Then sock away all the money you can.

If I were you I would phone a solicitor and explain the financial abuse which means you don’t have access to any money and see what they say. I’m sure I read a thread where a solicitor took their fee out of the settlement. You don’t know if you don’t ask and they might be able to give you advice on where to get help.

You definitely need to get out of this situation. Just remember that although he won’t give you any access to money now, in a divorce ALL assets are jointly owned. You won’t be penniless.

You haven't mentioned Child benefit OP, does he keep that money as well or does he earn too much to claim it? Do you have your own bank account?

Counselling at a later date possibly but for now contact your local Women's Aid to get effective and knowledgeable support.

It doesn't sound ridiculous written down, it sounds chilling. You, me and many bright, intelligent women have ended up bound in the Web of someone like this. There is a way out, using the support of the right agencies.

Tell your gp what has been happening so it is documented. Perhaps your support worker from women's aid could come with you or take a trusted friends or relative.

Contact Rights for Women to get free legal advice and direction. I think you'll be surprised at how much the law will support you. Women's Aid and Rights for Women will give you a list of solicitors in your area who are experience in family law where domestic abuse is present.

You may find it hard to accept this is domestic abuse. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse - in fact, violence makes it clear what is happening whereas invisible psychological abuse is much harder to spot. However, the signs are obvious when you know what you're looking for - Women's Aid, Freedom Programme, Rights for Women, GP, police are trained to know the signs.

Sadly, you are far from alone. Many of us have been in your position and got out. Enlist the support of the above agencies and trust them to guide you.