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Original poster

Really confused about this. Opinions please

31 replies

Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 13:40

Hi,

This is going to be a weird question but i am really confused and hurt By this and I am looking for other opinions on it please.

My partner and I (we are both women) have sex around once a fortnight due to some minor health conditions (hers) and that’s how often we have settled into our current sex routine. It used to be all the time but it wore her out.

About theee weeks ago, I was unwell and off my feet for a week or so and she was very helpful, taking time off work etc. Anyway I am now better and initiated sex last week to which she said she hadn’t thought about it over the last few weeks because she was so worried about me. She said she could easily go another few weeks without it as it had been the last thing on her mind While I was undergoing tests etc. We didn’t have sex

Anyway, cut to the point, last night I said to her out of curiosity “if we hadn’t had sex for a while, would you touch yourself or save yourself for me?”

She said, “it depends; I touched myself once when you were Ill a few weeks ago as you were laid up in pain so I couldn’t ask you. But I wouldn’t usually touch myself”

This really hurt and angered me. She did this while I was downstairs and we haven’t had sex since.

She seemed so worried about me, so how could she be so horny to touch herself upstairs while I was downstairs if she was that worried about me ? I’m trying to be rational about it but it is hurting me. We’re also always together, I just have been downstairs for about half an hour without her at the most.

Opinions please
Thanks

OP posts:
FissionChips · 30/03/2019 13:45

Just because she masturbated doesn’t mean she wasn’t worried about you.

Grow up and stop trying to control what she does with herself.

LaughingCow99 · 30/03/2019 13:46

Sorry but seriously? She can do as she pleases with her own body. You were ill, I'm guessing not terminal.

You sound incredibly controlling and needy. Not being away from her ever for more than half an hour!!! That's insanity.

I think you need to cop on, she may be pulling away sexually because she is starting to resent you. I know I would.

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 13:47

But she can clearly go weeks without sex, so why does she feel the need to touch herself - that’s what I can’t get my head around

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 30/03/2019 13:48

Sex and masturbation are different.
Everyone has a right to masturbate.
Sorry but I find your attitude unreasonable, insecure and verging on controlling.

FissionChips · 30/03/2019 13:49

Because she wants to! It’s perfectly normal and nothing she should be made to feel bad about, especially by someone who I’m sure claims to love her.

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 13:49

I am away from her, we both work and have our own lives. During this time we weeent away from each other much as we were both in the house as I was Ill and spending time together in bed watching movies in the evenings etc. So that’s what I mean by we weren’t away from each other for long.

Looks like this is my issue then. Thank you

OP posts:
rumred · 30/03/2019 13:51

Maybe you need to have an honest open conversation about sex. Maybe she's not enjoying it?
Hard to do but talking is the only way to sort issues out

FissionChips · 30/03/2019 13:53

Why would masturbation suggest that the ops partner might not be enjoying sex?Confused

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 13:55

We have talked about sex. She says she really enjoys it (and we’ve always had an amazing sexual connection) but she doesn’t need it as much as I do. That’s fine by me; I get that.

It just hurt to think I have been missing sex and she has sorted herself out. I wouldn’t have minded if I wasn’t ill and we were having sex. I don’t know, I think this is probably me being insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 13:56

She also didn’t try to hide it from me, I simply asked her a question and she answered honestly. I just wasn’t expecting that answer!

OP posts:
rumred · 30/03/2019 13:59

Pfft. She isn't that interested in sex with op but clearly has a sex drive. That's what I pick up from this original post.
If everything is OK then you have mismatched sex drives which isn't unusual

combatbarbie · 30/03/2019 13:59

Your angered reaction rings alarm bells for me. Her body, her choice to masturbate or have sex. Out of interest, as you have the higher sex drive, do you masturbate between sessions?

Bezalelle · 30/03/2019 14:02

The expression "touch herself" is really creepy.

But she's free to do it if she likes.

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 14:06

Why is it creepy? That’s just our lingo from where we live. Thats just the way we speak.

I know she’s free to do it and I have no problem with it. It just didn’t sit right with me because we hadn’t done it for a few weeks and I had been ill etc.

And as for angered, I am bid outwardly angry with her. It just made me feel hurt

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 30/03/2019 14:06

tbh if i knew my OH was reacting like this i'd be proper pissed !

if i want to touch myself regardless, i will

you sound controlling and tbh i find this reaction quite pathetic

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 14:06

I am not outwardly angered that was meant to say

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 30/03/2019 14:07

"I know she’s free to do it and I have no problem with it"

oh but you do have a problem with it, you've started a bloody thread about it !

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 14:07

Thanks for your opinions. It’s what I needed to hear - that it is my insecurity.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 30/03/2019 14:07

Her body, her choice. Saving herself for you? That’s a grim way to look at it.
Tbh I find the less I have sex, the less I want it. I used to want sex everyday, more than once, It naturally settles but I’ve now gone the other way where I could go for months.
Being so angry about it seems off. She just don’t tell you next time, not that she should feel obliged anyway,

SparklyMagpie · 30/03/2019 14:08

and it's not her fault or problem you were ill and didn't have sex

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 14:09

and yes, I do between sessions but I would rather have sex. I only do it to fill the gap if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 14:11

I guess what I am trying to say is can you not feel like sex but still want to masturbate as to me, the urge is the same thing.

OP posts:
boymum9 · 30/03/2019 14:11

This is actually an argument dh (soon to be d ex h) have had A LOT over the years. I've never stopped him masterbating, but he'd always always bring up whether I was and how he'd be really angry if I did because I didn't initiate sex much so it'd be a betrayal to him. I never realised how controlling this behaviour was when he went to see a councillor and he also has privately both of which said he's very controlling with things like that (as well as others).

The reason I'd very occasionally masterbate instead of sex was because honestly our sex would last 30/45 minutes due to him, and I couldn't handle it, it would hurt and he wouldn't care that it did

Original poster
Ang0717 · 30/03/2019 14:16

Thanks for your message. Yes our sex sessions have literally lasted hours where we even have had to actively cut the time down.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/03/2019 14:17

Sex and masturbation are very different.

Sex requires connection, effort, reciprocity, passion, responsiveness - it takes energy. Having a wank is usually a quick bit of self gratification. No effort, no need to think about anyone else, just you and your own body.

I think it's weird to think "if my partner wants an orgasm, it ought to only happen when I'm there and taking part".