Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying husband

28 replies

houseofmirrors1 · 30/03/2019 12:09

We’re in a right mess.

When we first met I had my own home and a well paid career which I gave up when DC came along as we couldn’t afford childcare.

He has always told ‘white lies’ - his whole family do. Which I can never understand as I dont tell any kind of lie. Ive told him many many times I hate it. Little things like eating a take away whilst out and when asked if he did denied it but then I’d find wrapper in car.

He lies where money has come from and makes up stories to back it up. We’ve nearly split up over it and he promised he would go and see a therapist and try and understand the damage he is doing to us.

Anyway, for the past six months we have been in a terrible financial situation. Really bad. It was down to DH wreckless choices at work although he will never accept full responsibility for it. My anxiety has been wretched, there was a point where I was crying every day because the situation was so bad and seemed to get worse daily.

He would always say , things will get better, I’m doing my best, work is on the verge of turning round ect..

His dad turned up at my house whist DH was out saying DH owed him thousands. That I was putting him under pressure and he was worried he may harm himself. He had made his dad promise not to tell me. He said Dh would have been scared of my reaction.

I spoke to DH about it. I was shocked and pissed off but because of what his dad said about harming him self I didn’t get annoyed and made him promise to tell me everything.

I’ve just found out he has done it again with some one else and I’m fuming. I have no idea how to get in to his head that he has just crushed us. Other people know more about my financial situation than I do and I’m humiliated.

I can never ever feel secure in his ability to pull us out of this shit or even make it worse! I can’t trust a fucking word that comes out his mouth. It’s the made up bullshit that accompanies the lie.

The only way I can make me and my dc secure is by leaving which I can not do at this point as we are in the middle of something. I don’t want to leave either as I bloody love him and the kids do but how the fuck can I continue like this.

I want to go ape shit when he gets in. He doesn’t know I know yet. But if he is depressed (as this other person has insinuated) I don’t want to push him over the edge. But I’m SICK of treating him with kid gloves so he will ‘open up ‘ to me Hmm

It’s like he is lying to try and cover up the fact he can’t sort this mess out. He is in control of everything at the moment and he has no control over it!

I actually have no fucking idea what to do

OP posts:
cicciolina · 30/03/2019 12:18

Oh goodness me, speak to a solicitor.

He sounds like ‘Dirty John’ - you deserve truth and clarity.

Original poster
houseofmirrors1 · 30/03/2019 12:19

Who’s ‘dirty John’?

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 30/03/2019 12:22

Google him Smile

Original poster
houseofmirrors1 · 30/03/2019 12:24

Well he hasn’t got an ugly temper, criminal past or lots of abused ex girlfriends..

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 30/03/2019 12:25

Sorry, I don't really have any advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this position.

I also wanted to say that I appreciate he is depressed, but is his depression due to the fact he's got himself into this situation and he knows the impact it will have on you and he is carrying this secret? If so, then the depression didn't MAKE HIM get in this position, his wrecklessness did. And his feelings are the consequence.

Even if depression has lead to overspending, he still must have known the consequences and still out you at financial risk.

What I'm saying is you have EVERY RIGHT to be mightily pissed off. And whilst I appreciate you may have to communicate carefully if he is in a delicate position, personally I wouldn't be playing down how bloody angry I was in your position.

By all means say that, you have a right to vent that and make it clear but then get out the paperwork, get out the calculator, try and work out a way out of it. That may well help his current state of mind as I imagine he feels there's no way out. There is. There always is. Consider options such as debt management - Christians against Poverty are a brilliant charity I've worked with, really lovely and understanding and will help you find a way forward. Look them up, if you're not religious, or religious but not Christian it doesn't matter, they will still help and they'll always ask if they can pray with you but you can decline, so please don't let that put you off if you aren't religious.

Original poster
houseofmirrors1 · 30/03/2019 12:27

Thanks needsome

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 30/03/2019 21:31

Since you're upfront that you love him and want to stay, I think he needs more counseling, with you involved. And perhaps medication.
When someone is a little fragile, you can still express how done with the situation you are without threatening some action. If you give him an ultimatum and he can't/doesn't make a change, you either have to let it go or follow through on the threat.
But if you say something like I can't do this anymore, something has to change, maybe it will open a neutral discussion and will encourage him to look for solutions with your help. That gives him a little more control of his behavior and may encourage him to be more pro-active. A GOOD therapist should be able to help you both and hold him accountable for his actions. That shouldn't have to be your job.
Good luck

Loopytiles · 30/03/2019 21:37

This is much more than lies, eg it’s also debt.

If you stay, this will probably continue: he knows you will continue put up with it.

Leaving - with legal advice on how to minimise financial risk for yourself - is obviously the best option for you and your DC. Loving him is understandable but shouldn’t he prioritised over your and DCs’ financial/housing security.

You can suggest that he accesses mental health services, and ask the family member who expressed concern about his MH to do likewise.

cicciolina · 30/03/2019 21:53

Sorry was maybe a bit hasty of me - just referring to the lying.

Chillichutney1 · 30/03/2019 21:56

OP i feel for you, I am in a similar situation..my H lies pathologically, we are in a huge huge financial mess due to his lying and borrowing repeatedly from people. I left him this week with my dc and my family finally came out and told me the extent to which he had been involving them, lying to them and borrowing from them.

I don’t know if counselling will ever help this man. Like you I do love him but I am scared of what he has become. He also has an ugly temper so halfway there to dirty John.

No real advice OP, maybe try the counselling route, but if he can lie to you he may lie to his counsellor about the extent of the problems.

twinnywinny14 · 30/03/2019 22:02

Is it a possibility that he is lying to the people he owes money to in an attempt to get them to back off pushing pressure on him to repay the debt?

AgentJohnson · 31/03/2019 05:29

Is he really fragile or is this part of the backstory he puts out there to stop people challenging his behaviour? His lies are pathalogical and no amount of tears and handwringing is going to change that.

This is who he is and waiting for a better version of him to turn up has only resulted in giving him more opportunities to create even more havoc on your finances.

The balls in your court.

Oct18mummy · 31/03/2019 05:57

You must get access to all financial information incase he has done anything that affects you.

Personally if I couldn’t trust someone I wouldn’t be with them

RedForShort · 31/03/2019 06:07

What's he spending the money on? (I appreciate you may not know, as he is a liar.)

Does he drink or gamble? Lying, even in the presence of evidence of the truth, is a standard behaviour of an addict. (Such as 'I've not had a takeaway' whilst the containers are evidently there.)

RedForShort · 31/03/2019 06:19

"This is who he is and waiting for a better version of him to turn up has only resulted in giving him more opportunities to create even more havoc on your finances."

This is very true. They are wise words that you need to understand are real. You will never be able to change him, no matter how much you want him to.

Also no matter how hard you try to help him, whatever he does will always be your fault. It's not your fault by the way, but he will never hold responsibility for his own actions.

Nala8 · 31/03/2019 06:20

I feel for you. I'm in similar position although my husband has stopped lying he has still racked up 17k worth of debt. It's draining and I constantly feel the burden even though it's not my fault. He also has nothing to show for it and it was due to gambling and using pay day loan companies Sad

Fridasrage · 31/03/2019 06:42

God it sounds like he could have a gambling problem. Whether it is gambling or not, this is really serious and you need to act fast. There are a number of practical things you need to do right away to make sure that you don't go bankrupt/lose your home.

  • You need to sit down with your DH and make him show you all of the bank accounts and a list of his debts. This is non-negotiable. You're responsible for a child and need to know whether you can afford to keep feeding and housing the child. This should be a dealbreaker.
  • Make a budget. You need to work out how much you need to pay the bills and keep the child fed/clothed.
  • Set up a bank account in your name only. Get your DH to set up a direct debit to your individual account for that amount + 10% so that he can't spend income that you absolutely need.
  • Start looking into part time/remote work you could do. You need some financial independence in case this all goes tits up, and having an income stream - even small - will help. If you do get a job, make sure the income is paid into your individual account and NOT a joint account or his account
  • Talk to a solicitor alone, about the impact of your finances on you specifically and how you can legally protect yourself
  • Get help from someone with experience with money problems and debt. Citizen's advice may be a good place to start.
  • Put your name on the bills and take his off so you can manage the essentials.
  • Cut up any credit cards he has
Fridasrage · 31/03/2019 06:44

sorry, children not child

Fridasrage · 31/03/2019 06:45

Also if you have a shared PC/devices check his history for gambling sites. If he does have a gambling problem he needs to be in therapy asap and cut off from any funds before it gets worse.

Wallywobbles · 31/03/2019 07:30

Personally I'd say you need to financially untangle yourself from this. If I were you I'd divorce him so he can't take you any further down financially. If you want to stay with him after that ok, but financially you'll know where you are. It'll put a limit on the nasty surprises and give you control of your own outcomes with DC.

anniehm · 31/03/2019 07:56

My friend was in hauntingly similar circumstances and it was gambling and alcohol. After forgiving twice (and her dad bailing them out) she took control, put the house in her name, all bills and went to work full time (she retrained even before the debt shock because of the drinking). They split a year later because the trust had gone but she by then had separate finances and he didn't contest at all.

willowmelangell · 31/03/2019 08:21

Have you done a credit check? There are free trials available. Best to be sure he hasn't put debt in your name.
A credit check on his name too. No more nasty surprises I hope.

OliviaBenson · 31/03/2019 09:03

This is no life for you and your kids. How can you love someone who does this to you?

You need to make steps to leave. For yourself and your children. Also talk to his father, tell him everything.

AceOfSpades123 · 31/03/2019 09:56

What has the thousands been spent on? You are unable to trust this man and have no idea who he truly is. If it was me, I’d see a solicitor and get a deed of separation drawn up. That separates you from him financially. Surely you need to protect yourself, your house and the kids. The 1st priority is to keep a roof over the kids heads. The relationship with him can be considered once you’re safe and secure. If he’s borrowed thousands that could be the tip of the iceberg. Who else has he borrowed from. My uncle did this to my aunt. She had no idea until early one morning some nasty blokes turned up at her door and threatened her and the kids. It drove her to insanity and gave my cousin lifelong mental health issues. Get yourself out of this now before all of your lives are ruined. He’s a liar and that’s incredibly dangerous for you and the kids.

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 12:03

Yes, urgent financial separation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread