Lying husband

[houseofmirrors1]

We’re in a right mess.

When we first met I had my own home and a well paid career which I gave up when DC came along as we couldn’t afford childcare.

He has always told ‘white lies’ - his whole family do. Which I can never understand as I dont tell any kind of lie. Ive told him many many times I hate it. Little things like eating a take away whilst out and when asked if he did denied it but then I’d find wrapper in car.

He lies where money has come from and makes up stories to back it up. We’ve nearly split up over it and he promised he would go and see a therapist and try and understand the damage he is doing to us.

Anyway, for the past six months we have been in a terrible financial situation. Really bad. It was down to DH wreckless choices at work although he will never accept full responsibility for it. My anxiety has been wretched, there was a point where I was crying every day because the situation was so bad and seemed to get worse daily.

He would always say , things will get better, I’m doing my best, work is on the verge of turning round ect..

His dad turned up at my house whist DH was out saying DH owed him thousands. That I was putting him under pressure and he was worried he may harm himself. He had made his dad promise not to tell me. He said Dh would have been scared of my reaction.

I spoke to DH about it. I was shocked and pissed off but because of what his dad said about harming him self I didn’t get annoyed and made him promise to tell me everything.

I’ve just found out he has done it again with some one else and I’m fuming. I have no idea how to get in to his head that he has just crushed us. Other people know more about my financial situation than I do and I’m humiliated.

I can never ever feel secure in his ability to pull us out of this shit or even make it worse! I can’t trust a fucking word that comes out his mouth. It’s the made up bullshit that accompanies the lie.

The only way I can make me and my dc secure is by leaving which I can not do at this point as we are in the middle of something. I don’t want to leave either as I bloody love him and the kids do but how the fuck can I continue like this.

I want to go ape shit when he gets in. He doesn’t know I know yet. But if he is depressed (as this other person has insinuated) I don’t want to push him over the edge. But I’m SICK of treating him with kid gloves so he will ‘open up ‘ to me

It’s like he is lying to try and cover up the fact he can’t sort this mess out. He is in control of everything at the moment and he has no control over it!

I actually have no fucking idea what to do

I would go ballistic. How dare his father tell you you're not allowed to be upset because it might hurt DH's feelings? He's got you into thousands of pounds worth of debt. At this point it's probably even threatening the security of your home. But because you're a woman you have to swallow your own hurt and anger to save this man's ego getting bruised?

Did DH think about your feelings when his lies were leaving you crying every day?

Screw over-reacting. I think you've been under-reacting.

The only way there would be even a chance of the relationship continuing would be a full financial disclosure, and me taking over all finances. He would get one warning that a single further lie or hidden debt would immediately end the relationship. And I would mean it.

...but then, I'm not sure I could trust a liar enough to be in a relationship with them in the first place.

I would also disentangle myself from him financially as far as possible (are you married? will you be liable for any of the debts?), go back to work and have my wages paid into a separate account to which he has no access (do you have someone you trust implicitly like a parent who would open an account in their name and to where you could have your pay put in?). I'm not sure how easy that would be given you seem to be the primary childcare, but you need to take action immediately to ensure you have a security fund.

Is the house still in your name only?

I used to be married to someone a lot like your DH and I never really got to the bottom of where the money went, although I can have a good guess. He too was 'borrowing' money from friends and family without my knowledge and I can still remember the deep humiliation I felt when I found out.
I hope you know that it is highly unlikely that he will change, and what he will do is take from you everything that you own and then pull you down with him. Take this from one who has been there.

fridasrage this is great advice thank you, I will be taking some of this advice on myself