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Original poster

Taking kids on summer holiday- exP issues

41 replies

AintThatSomething · 30/03/2019 08:22

Hi all,

I have asked exP for permission to take DC on a family holiday (new DH, his kids, grandparents) for 11 days in the school holidays. exP has refused this request. Not because he has something planned for them during that time period, which would be understandable. He will basically be at work on the weekdays that he would have them during that period and his mother would be looking after them anyway in the day. He has no plans to take them away on a similar holiday. He says that 11 days is too long- children are preteens so not really young.

The offer we found yesterday was at a specialist travel agent and is a 5star AI place basically half price compared to everywhere else, so not something we can replicate easily. We wouldn't get anything as good if we miss out on this.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I have said he can have them for extended blocks around it etc if he wishes.

I think he likely does have controlling tendencies, though not as bad as a lot on here. He doesn't pay maintenance (although I could probably get a small amount- he has them 40%) but when they switched from dinners to pack lunches for example, he asked me to send him money for him to buy lunch stuff for them on the days he had them since I used to pay for all the school dinners.

Is it unreasonable, as he is just doing this to be awkward rather than having plans for that period, to say that we will be booking the holiday, and if he refuses to let them go on it, that is his prerogative, but we will be going away with the rest of the people as planned so childcare for the holiday period is his responsibility?
Does that sound like I am abandoning them?

Should I do something else?
Can someone advise how they think I should proceed?

I was so annoyed with him last night but now am just really upset that he is denying the kids a summer holiday just for the sake of being a twat.

OP posts:
OneThreadOnly0101 · 30/03/2019 08:29

You plan to go on the holiday anyway but potentially leave the kids behind, did I read that right?! That's horrible! Would you actually do that?

You need to get a court order if he won't play nice.

PaterPower · 30/03/2019 08:30

Is there a formal agreement in place for the DCs between you? If there isn’t then there’s nothing much he can do about it. You have their passports already?

No court would think it reasonable to stop them going on an 11 day break. I would go ahead and book it and remind him that if you have to go to court to get arrangements set in stone then you may as well pursue CMS too.

SkinnyPete · 30/03/2019 08:30

Child arrangements order in place, or just an informal agreement?

Original poster
AintThatSomething · 30/03/2019 08:35

Sorry, the paragraphs above disappeared!

There is nothing formal in place as we are normally fairly amicable.

I wouldn't actually go/want to go without them but don't know whether to call his bluff on this since he doesn't have an actual good reason for refusing.

I have the passports, he never takes them abroad, or anywhere much really.

We did a similar holiday last year with the big family group for our honeymoon last year and kids had an amazing time.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 30/03/2019 08:40

He sounds like a controlling jealous arsewipe. He is using the kids to get at you and your new life . He doesn't pay maintenance - don't think he would have a leg to stand on in his complaint ..moving forward it sounds like you have to have this all agreed formally. I would book it and to hell with him.

category12 · 30/03/2019 08:44

If there's nothing formal in place to stop you, then just go. He's being a dick for the sake of it.

Original poster
AintThatSomething · 30/03/2019 08:45

I'm just so upset that he would deny his children a holiday just for the sake of being a twat

New DH (met after we split, I dumped him when my dad died and I could afford to get rid of him) thinks that it is a jealousy/insecurity issue that is behind this. He could afford to take them somewhere, but won't. Him and new girlfriend are going away at end Aug with no kids. She is lovely.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 30/03/2019 08:49

Just book it and go. He'll get over it. If he kicks off, appeal to his better self (presuming he's got one!); does he truly want his kids to miss out on a fantastic holiday for the sake of a couple of days? Copy in his nice girlfriend.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/03/2019 08:59

I would be taking them anyway.
I am taking my kids away in the summer for 2 weeks and told their dad, not asked. He is happy for them, as most parents would be at the thought of their kids having a lovely holiday!
I’m sure he will miss them but like your exh, he never takes them anywhere so he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on if he did have a problem.

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/03/2019 09:02

Book it. Say nothing. Go. It's not like you won't be coming back!

Berthatydfil · 30/03/2019 09:06

You could get a specific issues order as you’re settled in the uk, it’s only a short holiday so the risk of you abducting and not returning is very low.
There’s no school absence/ attendance issues as it’s the holidays.
If he tried to get a prohibited steps order to stop you the judge would laugh at him.
Do it and get maintenance as well

Senseiwu · 30/03/2019 09:08

I was under the impression that parent with main residence could take kids away for up to 28 days without needing permission.
Book it, tell him a month or less before the holiday.
In future, don't ask, tell!

Shylo · 30/03/2019 09:14

I’d book it and work out logistics with him afterwards - as other poster last have said you can apply to court if need be.

While he’s being a dick it doesn’t sound like he’s usually like this so I’d say it’s worth trying to get to the bottom of what his problem is ...... if you normally get on OK and parent 40/60 I’d be loathed to have this issue blow up your relationship unless he really digs his heels in

Goinglive · 30/03/2019 09:26

I feel for you OP, but do not just go. You must have authority from anyone with parental responsibility to take your child out of the country. The 28 day rule only applies if you also have a residence order in place. You can get stopped and refused.

GemmeFatale · 30/03/2019 09:30

Court order and while you’re doing the paperwork may as well get child maintenance sorted.

Original poster
AintThatSomething · 30/03/2019 10:21

Thank you all. I'm at work and it's a busy shift so at least stopping me stewing in it for the moment.

I will read all the replies in detail when I finish and try and work out a plan.

Just can't believe he is being so awkward 😑

OP posts:
Charley50 · 30/03/2019 10:45

I have to disagree with Going Live. It's highly unlikely you'll be stopped from going on holiday at the airport. I've never had to get permission to take DS in hioliday; never been asked for it at an airport. I take his birth certificate as we have different surnames, but that's it.

snowball28 · 30/03/2019 10:53

My son ‘dad’ hasn’t seen him since he was 2 and it was sporadic before then, we have no contact with him to get permission, he’s now nearly 8 and has a different surname to me, I take him abroad every year with no problems. I’ve never been stopped or had any issues, it’s highly unlikely they will stop you I would just book the holiday keep quiet about it and take the kids. If he doesn’t like it he can take you to court and they’ll laugh him out of the room when they realised he’s spiting the kids to get one over on you.

Goinglive · 30/03/2019 14:16

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

To the poster above, you might disagree, but that's the law. Ive been separated from DS dad since he was a baby and I've taken my son many times without anyone stopping me. However just once I got stopped which is why I had to become familiar with this very quickly.

They often don't stop you, but they can.

Thatnovembernight · 30/03/2019 14:28

Wow - so he is off on a nice holiday with his girlfriend, he has no intention of taking the kids on any sort of holiday but YOU can’t give them a holiday?!?! And asks you to pay for packed lunch items!!?!! I would make some noises about legal advice re the holiday and throw around a few comments about maintenance as well. I’m pretty sure you’d be told you can take them as you’ve given very reasonable notice and you don’t have a court order specifying dates in place. But really might be worth paying for legal clarification on your rights so you know where you stand in the future as well.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/03/2019 14:48

I think you need to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud sharpish, and the best way to do that would be to get a court order -no fuss, no drama, investigate it now. I think it is quite simple to take a specific request like this to court. You would get permission.

Or... simpler, if you think it would work. Investigate the court order, so you have the info to hand, then email him very calmly, saying that you simply aren't up for this kind of game-playing as it's only going to really affect the DC, so, if he's going to start coming out with crap like this you're nipping it right in the bud - you've investigated the court process and it looks fairly simple, you're going to kick of a court order which will cover access and, while we're at it - maintenance. Get it all formalised. Then you'll both know where you stand. Much better, hope he agrees - well, tough really if he doesn't.

My bet is that you'll have a grumpy agreement to the holiday within a day. If you don't, just do the court order.

lifebegins50 · 30/03/2019 15:44

Just apply for a context order that includes holidays abroad for up to 14 days without parental permission.
Tell him you will do it and then get to a solicitor or just fill the forms in online. A court will help you.

He is being highly unreasonable if there are no issues such as healthcare concerns.

Ahead of this I would seek his rationale for not letting you go in writing as that could be submitted to court as evidence.

Original poster
AintThatSomething · 30/03/2019 17:11

Thank you all.

Can someone point me in the direction of the easiest way to get a court order?

Just home from work and going to start looking into it now.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 30/03/2019 21:43

I got stopped with my 14 year old last month, had to give her birth certificate and then they wanted confirmation her dad had agreed, thankfully found a text to show them!

anniehm · 30/03/2019 21:59

You need his permission or a court order because you could be asked for it at the airport. My friend was stopped - she had their dads death certificate with her, but the border guy was mighty apologetic!