I've gone NC with my dad and now my brother won't speak to me ,

[idontlike789]

So I've been NC for over 12 months with my dad . This was down to years of him deciding not speaking to me for long periods then speaking to me but being nasty or ignoring me etc . It's emotional abuse if I can describe it as that . Anyway final straw was sending me a nasty message so I blocked him and decided that was enough.
I'm still in contact with my mum she understands but will occasionally say need to sort this out with my dad but I've told her that until he apologises and changes his ways I'm not interested. I've 2 DBs 1 has messaged me to say I need to sort this out for mum . I've told him the same as my dm he said he understands . My other dB has basically said if I don't speak to dad basically we are done . I've said you've not even asked what's happened ( or he's got my dads version) I've told him I'd never take my dads side over him because I know how unreasonable he is .
I'm just so fed up and upset that I'm made to be the unreasonable one even though I've not said or done anything just cut contact with my dad . Tbh he was doing that anyway refusing to come to family occasions ignoring me walking out of the room if I came to visit etc .
How do I deal with my family ? Do I just except that they all take his side and to except that I can't have a relationship with my family because of my dad ?
I just feel it never ends .
Sorry I've gone on but some advice would be great .

Think they have all taken his side sadly including your mother who has abjectly failed to protect you from her husband's appalling treatment of you by further enabling him (she gets what she wants out of that relationship and has remained with her husband for her own reasons). Such people like your dad never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You will never receive any sort of apology.

Your parents were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not fundamentally altered since that time. How does your mother react to you now, what is your relationship like with her these days?. I would not have any level of sympathy for her either and her entreaties about wanting you to sort this out are entirely in her own self interest. She made her choice and threw you under the bus in the process.

What happened to you was not your fault and you are wise indeed to cut all contact.

The brother who does not understand is really dad's flying monkey here (a well meaning but easily manipulated or otherwise fooled person, flying monkeys tend to be either close relatives or friends of the abuser) who is merely acting in his best interests and is not interested in hearing your side of things so his opinion should be ignored. He (is he the eldest sibling?) is probably also a carbon copy version of his dad more than your other brother.

I would maintain your existing boundaries and review these as and when you deem necessary. Have a read about fear, obligation and guilt too; these are but three of many damaging legacies such inadequate parents leave their now adult children.

You may want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and read/post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

idontlike789 just do your own thing. Ultimately you need to put boundaries in place when family overstep the mark but some people won't respect boundaries. These people rarely change. I mourn the family I might have had but have come to terms with the one I actually have. I'm no contact and it's peaceful. No drama.

Thanks for the posts
My relationship with my parents was great growing up it still is with my dm . My dad it seams can't deal with the fact I'm a adult , nothing is ever good enough for him . Where my mum is so proud of me .
My family are all quite selfish tbh in the past when I have commented on my dad dm has just frankly said never mind .
I get what you say that he will never apologise. I think my dm just likes to keep the peace , she has spent her whole married life doing so in her words she walks on eggshells around my dad . I don't think they they realise how manipulative my dad is .
It's hard how to move on especially that my dh family are so lovely.
I'm suppose I'm lucky I have a family.

@Lisette1940
I thought it would be peaceful with nc and it is mainly but when I get the odd comment that I need to sort this out etc . I don't get why they don't tell him to apologise etc .

They will keep on enabling your dad here for their own reasons so you do not need such people in your life. They want to keep the roles to which they have been assigned and wish to remain in your parents good books. Your mum continues to be with him for her own reasons and fear of him also likely plays a part in her decision making too.

Your dad is abusive and such people never apologise or accept any responsibility for their actions. It’s not your fault that he or your mother are the ways they are and you did not make them that way.

If your husbands family are nice I would concentrate on them.

If your mother or other brother persist in telling you to sort it out with your dad I would further lower contact levels. They are really his flying monkeys here and do not want to hear your side of things.

You can't control how what you do gets interpreted. And its it's horribly unfair that in these screwy family situations you get blamed for acting reasonably because you are upsetting the order. I walked. I felt better being outside the framework. Once you get out you realise how even the 'good guys' play their roles in an order in which you were the punch bag. Be free its saner

I had a similar situation although my sister and I were both NC with dad - which initially came from him, we didn’t apologise and make the peace where he was being unreasonable. My brother was the flying monkey and in the end, fed poison by my dad became really unpleasant so we ended up NC with him too. Eventually my brother came around, (finally!) saw my dad for who he was and all siblings are united. I am LC with dad now, as is brother, my sister happily NC and supported by us in this.

I think if you stick it out your brother may eventually come around to understanding your position. If you don’t, you know that you will forever be caught up in the drama of your dads abusive behaviour. This could get worse before it gets better as your dad likely has the ability to manipulate your mum and brother further.

My advice is weather the storm. A number of years on, my life is much more peaceful now. Relationships are more mature. I am no longer worrying about certain actions and restricting myself based on what my dad will think of it. I am at peace with the fact that my dad talked many people over to ‘his side’ my name is mud with extended family as a result where they have believed his version of who my sister and I are. I am happy to build my own strong friendships and maintain relationships on my terms with people not caught up in his world. I wish you the best and congratulate you on standing up for yourself and sticking it out for the last 12 months. Stay strong.

Please know it is not you.
This is childish behaviour by your dad.
(Walks our the room)
How do you treat 'childish behaviour ' ?
You ignore it.
NC if that's what it takes.
Then you have best life you possibly kind with out the drain if all the attention seeking behaviour

I think you need the Stately Homes thread OP.

I went NC with my mum... she retaliated by going NC with my sister. These people don't make sense.

(Didn't work, my sister and I are closer than ever and have pretty much cut the rest of the extended family off. Never again will either of us have to sit through a cousin's wedding. Woohoo!)

Thanks for the comments.
Yes my dad is extremely childish it's like he can do as he pleases because he's the dad and we all have to tolerate him .
I've said no mainly because I'm fed up of the cycle him being annoyed with me for something minor so he

I would tell everyone the way to "sort things out," is for him to apologise and never treat you like shit again

Posted too soon
He will not speak to me ignore me walking out the room etc then will decide he will speak to me and the cycle will repeat but occasionally a few nasty comments in too .
I'm really quite surprised at my families behaviour over this. I suppose you never really know anyone.
I'm see dm today but I won't discuss dad or my siblings and if it's brought up I will say I don't want to discuss this further. I think my dm is saying to me what I want to hear and the same to dad , I rather she was honest .

@slipperywhensparticus
I think I'll say that next time it's mentioned thanks .

I'm also no contact with my father, have been for decades. It wasn't dramatic, it wasn't announced, I just quietly got on with my life without factoring him into it any more. He did the same so whenever it has come up with the rest of my family I've simply framed it as a mutual decision that doesn't need to be 'sorted out'. Seeing this boundary has been extremely important for my mental health.

idontlike you have to consider what you would do and how you would feel if, by some mad miracle, he did actually apologise to you. Would you be back in contact waiting for the next nasty incident to happen? Which it inevitably would. You don't deserve that. You've set your boundaries, tell your family it would be nice if they respected them.

Setting not seeing 🙄

idontlike789 I ended up no contact with my parents. My father also walks out if he is abusive and then pulled up on it. He never apologises for his behaviour and my mother is his enabler. They emigrated to Australia ten years ago and on a visit to us 3 years ago he walked out after an argument. Got on a plane and went back to Australia. I've not heard from any of my family apart from an instruction to talk to a grandchild via Skype without us the parents being involved. We said no. He won't have counselling or listen to reason or apologise etc. He has a long history of bullying cases against him in work and broken relationships. There is nothing you can do with these people. Just keep going and insist on boundaries.

Once you're an adult and no longer dependant on him - you're equal.

He has no power over you.

Sounds like he's not sure of himself so has to get you to agreed with him to make himself feel good.

Well that's his problem not yours.

Be strong. Be focused. Feel good in yourself and his opinion
Will cease to exist. ( And his tantrums)

On a smaller scale I had a difficult relationship with my father.

But for the last 6 months i adopted this attitude. We ended up getting really close.

I was really surprised but I felt like I was finally a secure adult with him.

I was very lucky to have reached that point.

@franke
I've considered this , I think it's unlikely but if he did this would be a huge turning point .
My dm claims he has apologised and admits he's wrong to her but not to me .
My dB has said I should make contact the reasons what if something happened to him ?
I can't put up with his behaviour because 1day he will die . He doesn't see his grandchildren either he's not attempted to see them .

Don't be emotionally blackmailed by your DB.

My DM would make my dad apologise or he'd be on his own. My siblings wouldn't do what your DB is doing either. State your side of the story and then ignore your DB.

His behaviour seems very bullish.

As I've stated before abusive people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your mother is telling you what she thinks you want to hear re her choice of husband and FWIW I do not think he has stated anything of the sort. You won't get anywhere with her either; she is his enabler.

And do not whatever you do go down the rabbit hole of your db's comments re your dad about what if something happened to him. Thankfully you have not done so. That further takes away any autonomy you have, its a question that leads nowhere. My response to this question is; “what does his or her health have to do with the reason that I don’t communicate with my parents?” My parents had their whole lives to make a positive difference when it came to me. They made their choices, and apparently through the grid of how these type of statements are meant to be taken, my parents choices are acceptable but my choice NOT to put up with abusive and disrespectful disregarding treatment is NOT acceptable? That is insane. It’s like people are so brainwashed by this whole thing that they don’t even realize how stupid it sounds to be told to accept abuse/neglect/disrespect just because ‘they’ are ‘family’.

When people like your brother say “Your father is getting old; he is sick/what if he dies?” I would state that you still fail to see what his health has to do with any of this. That question is a rabbit trail leading nowhere. Does he mean that my father is old so I should let ‘bygones be bygones’ and forget all about it? . Its also dismissive and discounting.Most of the time people don’t even care to hear the reasons adult children have for not seeing their parents; they just tell these adult children they are wrong. They automatically defend the parents without even hearing or caring about the reason behind the broken relationship. That is offensive.

It is dismissive and discounting. It is even more offensive when the reasons for not seeing parents ARE revealed and people still judge the adult child to be the one in the wrong. That is what this “what if your parents die” question is about. It is about parental rights and entitlement ~ something that YOU as their child don’t have in a dysfunctional family system. People are so afraid that if they ‘hear you’ and validate your reasons for not having relationship with your parents, or for going no contact, that they might have to think about the dysfunctional relationships they have with their parents or even worse, with their kids. So often parents equate regarding their children as equally valuable with giving up their power and control over them. (and If giving up their power and control in favour of embracing equal value is something that they are not willing to consider doing, they insist on going down rabbit holes and changing the subject, always turning it back on the child, rather than giving their child a chance to be heard.)

I completely agree @AttilaTheMeerkat
You are so right .
Thanks for making me see I'm doing the right thing,
My dh agrees with me but sometimes when your told by others that you are wrong you start to doubt yourself.
I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed .

Just a update feeling quite low .
My dad has messaged tonight saying horrible things about me dh and dh family . After keeping a dignified silence I retaliated saying he was despicable and to not contacted again. I've also screenshot the message and sent to both brothers so they can see what he's like ,
Now I'm upset with myself for replying to him , he really is vile he's annoyed that's I've upset my brother
I don't know where I can go with this I'm heartbroken. The things he's said are unforgivable and also untrue. I'm concerned that he's actually mad or just bad . Dh is also very upset to say nasty and untrue things about his family .

My dad did similar things. I told people I didn’t want to know what he was saying about me and mine and I blocked him for a long time. You could think about doing the same.
Being very open about how he is treating you - sharing the message he sent with others is the way to go, well done. If you do respond to him, never stoop to his level.
Keep your head held high and concentrate on those who care for you, it’s hard, but you will get very little from your relationship with your dad, hopefully you can get to a place where you give it much less energy. I honestly used to fret and worry and be really upset about how my dad behaved, so many tears I cried over rejection - these days I laugh off his antics. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for him. Maybe you can get there too.

Reacting to abuse is normal. It might not be the dignified silence you wanted, but you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Block his number tho, or get a new number yourself - you can't be riled by him if you don't get his messages.

It sounds like your dad is never going to respond the way you want him too. He is likely never to apologise, nor admit that he as made mistakes. It means that if an apology is what you'd need to re-establish contact, it just ain't gonna happen. That is so hard to accept, but you probably need to come to terms with it. And you have to be prepared to lose your brother over it. You can't persuade him that your dad is wrong; he will either come to that conclusion himself or continue to back your dad. You have no control over which it will be.

I've had to do it with my sister - and it has taken a long time but I'm mostly at peace with my decision. I still live with the knowledge I may lose my brother over my NC stance, but it is worth it imo.