Help keep me strong - divorce, alcohol and abuse

[Tiddleypops]

I'm not sure what this is. A rant or asking for advice or just a handhold but here goes...

I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic, abusive H. We have a young DS. We are still in the same house, as he refuses to move out until I've bought him out of the house.

He is currently on best behaviour with regard to the alcohol side of things. Best behaviour being, maybe 3-4 beers a day most of the time, rather than 15-20 as it was previously (he still drinks a lot more sometimes at weekends/social events/when he feels like it). He claims he is "no longer an alcoholic". (Obviously bullshit, but the fact is, this current level of driving wouldn't be considered a danger in a social services definition, and he drinks after DS is in bed so he doesn't witness him drinking usually).

He has always been greedy and selfish. But now he's hostile and ruthless with it. We have been having divorce mediation (at his insistance because he wasn't going to put up with me just telling him what to do apparently). He took the whole of our last session ranting on, justifying stupid things and trying to discredit everything I said etc. The mediator had the measure of him to be fair! She largely ignored or dismantled anything irrelevant, and therefore spent more time arguing with him that I did!

On the plus side he agreed he would not drink at all when he has our DS overnight alone - this was his own limit set when I asked for reassurances around drinking while with DS. I will almost certainly need to refer back to that at some point, if (when?) I have to step in because the drinking has escalated again. I suspect this could happen pretty quickly once we have resolved things. But I've had to agree more contact than I think is in DS interests in the meantime - average 2 overnights per week plus another evening for tea after school.

I feel like I'm letting DS down. I think that's the worst of this.

He genuinely believes I owe him the moon on a stick and then some when it comes to the finances despite the fact that I put everything in financially and he has always put in as little as he can possibly get away with. The greed is just so ugly.

I'm trying so hard not to engage with his vile attitude and behaviour. But in doing so, I feel like he's just getting away with it? Just listening to him bang on in mediation knowing that joining in wouldn't achieve anything made me feel like I was just taking it. It wasn't achieving anything for him in a practical sense either, it was meaningless projection.

But the way it's left me feeling is weak and broken and I'm struggling to keep a clear head. I think I just need a handhold and some encouragement to keep moving on

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long! Think I just needed to get it all out..

You are asking for a handhold and some encouragement to keep moving on. You have it from me unconditionally. Because your story is the same as mine. The behaviours are all part of the alcholic's psyche. Denial and blaming everyone else for their own shortcomings. I can't emphasise strongly enough you are doing the right thing. You are not letting your son down, you are protecting him from living full time with a dysfunctional father. You might find that further down the line you will review how you feel about contact and whether you actually want him to have your child overnight. In my case, this decision was taken out of my hands, as he disappeared from my child's life and never saw her from the age of four. Actually it helped in a way, since I met my lovely second husband who brought her up as her own. You can only take it all a step at a time - but you have taken the first crucial ones. Well done for being strong. One day you will look back and understand you did the totally right thing to protect yourself and your child from this man.

Tiddley have a big fat handheld from me. You know you are doing the right thing. He knows he is on a hiding to nothing. Continue to be honest and decent and the legal system will see through him just as the mediator does.

You can't expect decency and rationality from an alcoholic- adjust your expectations and always assume you will get the worst from him.

And work on the detachment because I don't think you are quite there yet.

Thank you both, so much - you have both been in my shoes and you are reminding me of what I already know, at least on some level. When the going gets tough, as it is at the moment, I think I just get a bit lost.

I think was genuinely shocked by how vile he was in our mediation session. I can't even look at him today. You are right @pointythings, I am probably not there on the detachment. Sometimes I do better than others.

You've encouraged me to keep going, thank you One day at a time and all that...

Take how vile he was in mediation. Store it in your memory. When you have a wobble, use it to remind yourself why you are divorcing him. You are on a hard road, but it will end and your life will be so much better.

I think was genuinely shocked by how vile he was in our mediation session

If you can stick it out, as it is much more cost effective than court. I felt so shocked at Ex that didn't go after the 2nd session. Mediator was extremely weak however. In reflection I wish I had changed mediator as he chose her and I later heard she was known for aiding with bullies just to get agreement. An alternative is shuttle mediation.
Mediation will however be faster than court so you will get through it.

It is shocking how these men change once they know you are serious, the mask fell away completely and below it was the most vile and vindictive person. It shocked me that he had kept it hidden for so long.

If you can do counselling, yoga or mindfulness anything to lower your stress levels.

Well done for getting away. It is hard but so much better than staying.

Thank you. Yes, I'll go to our next session. We have come to an agreement with regard to DS. I think it's the best outcome for now, but I'm prepared if it needs to change. At least he'll be out of our house by then.

Finances too, despite his greed and ranting, he's not going to get very far with it. At least mediation has meant he's had to sort himself out and provide a full financial disclosure - well almost. Obviously he hasn't actually managed to provide everything asked for yet.

I think he's on the verge of losing his job. I just have to leave him to it though.

OP, I feel for you. I'm going through something similar with an active alcoholic

What's your Solicitor like Tiddleypops, is this person vastly experienced when dealing with abusive men?. How far along the process are you regarding getting a divorce?.

This is who your current H is, an abusive alcoholic and many abusive men do use mediation purely as a stick to beat their intended target with. I do not feel you are safe enough emotionally to continue mediation at all, these mediators do not always understand abuse at all and it could actually do you more harm than good. He will I think also continue to drain you and use your son to get back at you as punishment for having the gall to leave him.

Listen to AttilaTheMeerkat I had to be on diazepam to face my EAex in court.

OP, you've said your still in the same house until you've bought him out? Do you have a place of safety for yourself and ds?

One binge drink too many and I dread to think what could happen.

It sounds as if you have a strong mediator who sees through his bullshit - but do consider your safety and your DS's. Too many stories about unhinged men who do drastic things when their wives have the temerity to leave. If your spidey senses tingle, run for it. Leaving the house won't compromise your rights to it, you're married.

Why did you have to agree to two overnights a week and one night for tea? I am sorry to ask but that seems like a lot to be with an uncontrolled alcoholic…

Outside of that, I agree with the others as a whole. As long as the mediator has a good grasp on him keep on going! If the mediator is calling him on his shot and not letting him get away with it don’t put up with it either. Make sure you don’t get screwed by him financially either.

I would as soon as possible lessen his contact with your son as a dry drunk is as bad if not worse as a wet drunk.

@CanuckBC I took legal advice on access arrangements and unless social services are involved or there is a documented safe guarding issue then I can't stop him from having DS overnight sadly. A court would not support me at this time
At the first sniff of him increasing drinking, I'll be opening a case with SS. I'll be warning school too, they may pick up on something. The one saving grace of him not moving out yet is that he doesn't have him over night alone.

He's definitely using DS though. To get at me, I'm sure. But also for company, because he has no friends and no life. He struggled to grasp when the mediator repeatedly told him, this was about what's best for DS and not about what he wants.

The mediator is great at handling him, she just cuts to the chase. He doesn't listen and repeats himself over and over - at least it's not just me he thinks he can steam roller through She just doesn't have it.

I do feel more vulnerable after our last session though. It's been a long time since I've seen him that hostile.
I might drop my solicitor a line next week to get her opinion on whether I should attend the last mediation session. She is also very good thankfully.

The court are being slow to do anything (didn't help that they lost my petition and marriage certificate ), but I spoke to them last week. I think I should have the application for the nisi at the end of next week.

Ask your solicitor for information about

child arrangements order
prohibited steps order
specific issue order
&
contact order.

The CA says ds lives with you, the PS says ds can't be removed from anywhere with out your agreement. The SI is for those weird things like permission to change address without consentnt from other parent. CO where when and how often. You don't need social services involvement for these and a good barrister will advise you when you go to court, just what can it can't be ordered in your circumstances.

Social services will only get involved if there is direct police involvement where your ex represents a danger to your ds, then you may end up on a children in need or a child protection plan or the at risk register. If police aren't involved then SS will act in an advisory capacity to you and point you in the direction of agencies who can help.

To get the orders you will probably do three rounds if court. First the initial hearing with short interim orders for safety,then a second fact finding hearing where reports will be requested, if your lucky the third one will be final orders - otherwise rinse and repeat.

Ask for things like the option to reduce contact if your ex is not reducing their drinking, you can ask for supervised contact but centers are costly,unless you and ex can negotiate a trusted third party.

If your ex has been arrested recently for drunk and disorderly or drunk in charge, let the court know. You can get your barrister to request an order for alcohol testing, hair is six month history, blood is one month and salivate 48 hrs go for hair test specify body hair, if he shaved his entire body and head then the court will suspect avoidance. Unfortunately you will probably have to share the costs for the fact finding orders.

It's long winded, tiresome and a scary process and still they can be pissed dickheads after all that.

Schools and hospitals.
If your ex turns up drunk, but isn't representing a danger, at most they'll be held by the safeguarding team until you can get there for your ds. In my experience they want to avoid calling the police as much as possible.

As to overnights if Cafcass section 7 report determine that your exs living arrangements aren't suitable, such as a single bed studio or HMO. Then they will recommend against overnights. But they aren't stellar at investigating and take people at their word.

all of the above is my own personal experience, I will say that other people may have different experiences.

Ultimately, it will be the judge that decides what to order

@disneyspendingmoney thank you so much, that is massively helpful. I'm going to ask my solicitor about these next week too.

At the moment, H is (barely) functioning alcoholic. Even at the height of his drinking, he was drinking at home, so he's not been arrested or anything. The current crisis he's in has triggered him to cut down drastically on his drinking, but he's taken no steps to actually stop. His denial means that he really believes that he's got this under control now so all is fine. And of course he's very convincing to anyone who doesn't understand alcoholism.

I suspect he's going to lose his job as well as his family within the next 6 months though (no longer fit to do the job because of health issues).
So the chances of his drinking increasing quite quickly once we live apart are, well, it's inevitable isn't it?

So thank you again, knowing what is possible enables me to prepare and be ready for immediate action. My solicitor deals a lot with family law (not just divorce) and is often in court so I think she'll be able to get me up to speed with an action plan now I know what to ask about!

Your solicitor maybe able to get the care order written with many conditions, just depends on if your Ex 'allows' it.

Well done, getting away from an abusive alcoholic is something you will never regret.

So the chances of his drinking increasing quite quickly once we live apart are, well, it's inevitable isn't it?

I think so. Divorce and job loss together will likely make him up the drinking.

@lifebegins50 you're right about not regretting it. His conduct this week just serves as a reminder that this is absolutely the right thing to do - no doubts there. Now to protect DS and try not to hand over half of my hard earned house that he's refused to contribute towards!

Sorry to be spamming you like this, but all of this has been my recent experience.

Get hold of an advocacy group like action for children to get your ds take on all of this. It may be ordered during a fact finding hearing, but there's no harm in letting your D's have an independent voice in all this.

But be prepared for the outcome. My two didn't want my ex to see it so my ex argued it didn't count.

If yours is a full on in denial alcoholic, this whole process can make things much worse as the court will make them confront their alcoholism and with mine it just entrenched the denial and the blame in my and the dds' direction has got worse.

Just be prepared that none of this will be easy

I'd better add for transparencies sake, my alcoholic was my wife and the dcs were on the at risk register and subject to a child protection plan because of the alcoholic behaviour. But I do feel that gender is immaterial when it comes to alcoholism.

If you think he is a risk to your ds get in touch with children's services. They can help get him out if he is dangerous

You may find support through Women's Aid. It is really important to get all the back up available when divorcing an abuser. I went to a single mediation with my ex. Of course he was charming. He lied and when I confronted him he became angry. No more mediation. It is also really important that your solicitor is used to dealing with abusers. It is really sad that your husband chooses to have a love affair with alcohol. It is a wretched existence and you are doing really well to separate yourself from it. It is important to tell the school what is going on, tell your gp. Women's Aid are just brilliant in helping and supporting women escaping abuse and making sure you and any children get the right help. Please take care.

@disneyspendingmoney please don't apologise, everything you have said is incredibly useful and I'll certainly be using it as a reference.
My DS is only 5 at the moment

Women's Aid is a good call too.
I need to be prepared for when the wheels come off.

Please do your best not to engage with your partner. Speak about nothing that matters. Also it's a good idea to keep a diary. Everything he says/does. You may well need it later on.

I think we bury our heads in the sand and normalise abusive behaviour as a way of protecting ourselves. We underestimate it and for me certainly I didn't believe that I was in any danger. I was wrong on that one. Abusers are terrifically dangerous and become more so as the time to leave gets closer. Do not tell him anything. Try and put money away and keep a bag packed with your documents if possible. If you feel afraid, you can also call the police and ask to speak to a specialist domestic abuse officer. The police can provide a gateway to help and support and they work closely with Women's Aid.