Help keep me strong - divorce, alcohol and abuse

[Tiddleypops]

I'm not sure what this is. A rant or asking for advice or just a handhold but here goes...

I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic, abusive H. We have a young DS. We are still in the same house, as he refuses to move out until I've bought him out of the house.

He is currently on best behaviour with regard to the alcohol side of things. Best behaviour being, maybe 3-4 beers a day most of the time, rather than 15-20 as it was previously (he still drinks a lot more sometimes at weekends/social events/when he feels like it). He claims he is "no longer an alcoholic". (Obviously bullshit, but the fact is, this current level of driving wouldn't be considered a danger in a social services definition, and he drinks after DS is in bed so he doesn't witness him drinking usually).

He has always been greedy and selfish. But now he's hostile and ruthless with it. We have been having divorce mediation (at his insistance because he wasn't going to put up with me just telling him what to do apparently). He took the whole of our last session ranting on, justifying stupid things and trying to discredit everything I said etc. The mediator had the measure of him to be fair! She largely ignored or dismantled anything irrelevant, and therefore spent more time arguing with him that I did!

On the plus side he agreed he would not drink at all when he has our DS overnight alone - this was his own limit set when I asked for reassurances around drinking while with DS. I will almost certainly need to refer back to that at some point, if (when?) I have to step in because the drinking has escalated again. I suspect this could happen pretty quickly once we have resolved things. But I've had to agree more contact than I think is in DS interests in the meantime - average 2 overnights per week plus another evening for tea after school.

I feel like I'm letting DS down. I think that's the worst of this.

He genuinely believes I owe him the moon on a stick and then some when it comes to the finances despite the fact that I put everything in financially and he has always put in as little as he can possibly get away with. The greed is just so ugly.

I'm trying so hard not to engage with his vile attitude and behaviour. But in doing so, I feel like he's just getting away with it? Just listening to him bang on in mediation knowing that joining in wouldn't achieve anything made me feel like I was just taking it. It wasn't achieving anything for him in a practical sense either, it was meaningless projection.

But the way it's left me feeling is weak and broken and I'm struggling to keep a clear head. I think I just need a handhold and some encouragement to keep moving on

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long! Think I just needed to get it all out..

Thank you @WhatWouldLIfeBe.
I'm just reflecting (again) on his behaviour in mediation. This was the real him. The really deep ingrained beliefs by which he lives his life. I think I probably have been underestimating what he's capable of. If we hadn't been in a room with a mediator then what could have happened? You have got me thinking. I really do need to be more prepared than I am.

He's back to being friendly today. This fits the abuser profile to a tee, doesn't it?

WRT finances, I think I need to refuse to discuss further without speaking to my solicitor.
The fact is, we only have the house, and not exactly much equity in it for that matter! There would be nothing left if it went to court, but I'm not sure how that leaves things if I don't agree to discuss be ranted at about it in mediation

Have you looked up the Cycle of Abuse? Abusers follow a pattern. They are very predictable. Women's Aid understand all of this. They are almost like fortune tellers! If you get in touch with your local branch they may have a solicitor who comes in and advises for free. They may also be able to refer you to other agencies who can help with finances, benefits etc, and of course children. Safety planning is essential.

Rights of Women has lots of helpful information rightsofwomen.org.uk

There is also the Women's Aid Survivor's Forum which you may find helpful.

survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk

I did the freedom program a while ago. I think it might be time to revisit it.
While I've come a long way in the last few months, as pointythings said earlier, I'm not quite there yet.

At the end of last year, I asked him to move out. He vehemently refused. I have had to accept that because legally there is nothing I can do about it until we're divorced so I refocused my efforts on progressing that instead.... In the meantime I think he's been sliding his feet back under the table, playing nice to get me on side and sympathetic. Having resigned myself to living with him for the time being, I too have just been thinking 'well we may as well get along for DS sake'. He's been taking advantage. It's just hit me. It really is the cycle of abuse and you're right, it is massively predictable.

Just like the alcoholic side of him. I don't think he's even going to try and not drink while he has DS overnight. Why would he? He knows better than everyone.

OK... So women's aid. Solicitor to gather info and get a steer on alternatives to attending mediation on Friday. Revisit Freedom Program.
I've been ground down again, and because we're divorcing, I hadn't noticed. How terrifying is that?

I have a different perspective of this. I hope you don’t mind me sharing. I haven’t been in your position. My mum was and she didn’t leave. Not until after I had grown up and left home. It affected me in so many ways.
Stay strong and the very very best of luck.

@Wolfiefan thank you for sharing that. I can't even imagine what it must be like as a child in this situation. I absolutely know this is the right thing for my DS.. Navigating it is tough at the moment.

Interestingly my H was in a similar position to you. His DF was an alcoholic, and his DM only threw him out once H and his brother had grown up and moved out. It's very sad

My mum did her very best to shield us. She really did. And for a lot of different reasons leaving him would have been near impossible before she did.
Your position IS hard. Really bloody hard. Cut yourself some slack! And remember why you’re doing it.
My mum found the whole process really torturous. But her life is soooooo much better now. It really is.
And me? I no longer see him and I’m an adult who has chosen a man who is nothing like my dad. Life is good. Wishing the same for you op.

I'm so glad to hear it @Wolfiefan

Hoping you’ll be feeling life is good for you too in the near future.

Well done for divorcing him.Am exactly in the same position as you expect that I am saving to leave etc as can’t afford it as yet but after today’s drunkenness name calling ,telling dd 5 am sick, dd getting upset when I said am ringing the police I need to make a move ASAP. Whether it’s just sitting down and talking in a civil way tomorrow when the monster sobers up that we need to divorce or something as I just can’t take it anymore. Got no family on my side or whatsoever. So really well done to you

He sounds like a shocking man. I hope this next phase goes by quickly and you have your freedom at last.

Tiddleypops & enoughisenough2

This is a hard thing to hear but stop engaging with your alcoholic, they are not paying attention.

The alcoholics lifecycle is

drunk
hungover
craving

drunk
hungover
craving

rinse and repeat.and things get progressively worse it's not until they are in a program are dry and doing therapy, can they start to have empathy for the non alcoholic and were talking years here. Not weeks or days.

Yep. Completely right @disneyspendingmoney.

One good thing that has come out of his appalling behaviour in mediation - proof that he doesn't give a flying crap about anyone but himself. Not even DS.

I just can't wait for this to be over (Not that it will ever be over, but at least one day soon I'll have my home and it will be my sanctuary).

It's a terrible time going through a divorce with an abuser. I've done Freedom more than once. It is so reassuring.

So I updated my solicitor re the last mediation appointment. He has said that it would be best to go to the last one if I can, that I do not have to agree to anything there, and not to let him pressure me. Once we have all the financial information off the back of this appointment then we can discuss a proposal. As I say, we don't have enough to argue about to warrant going to court over, we'd have nothing left! But so far H is following sensible advice from his solicitor so at least if we can come up with something reasonable we have a good chance of him agreeing.

I've been practicing mindfulness, I'm revisiting the Freedom Programme and Lundy Bancroft book which is really helping to remind me that this is all him, him, him. He's being friendly, of course! I am just ignoring it, I have no reason at all to trust him.
That in itself helps me to (re)detach and I'm feeling much calmer. I'm just not going to engage with any ranting. It didn't go down well with the mediator last time! And I have a plan for the weekend to get away with my DS, if it all goes really badly.

As far as the access arrangement principles we've agreed, I am not going to revisit this in mediation. It won't achieve anything there. But I'm already seeing evidence that his self-imposed drinking limit is starting to come undone. For now, I'm actually glad we are in the same house because I can keep an eye on this. I want the divorce to progress, but I'll be speaking to my solicitor about what would be the best move re protecting DS.

Thank you for all the advice, now that I have a plan I feel I have a much better grip on things.

Dealing with an abusive alcoholic is just as hard once they've moved out.

Except there is some distance.

Their denial will lead to parental alienation, the self centered nature of the illness will mean they will put their needs first, so expect issues with things like child maintainance. With supervised contact you have to pay half the costs

It will be quite difficult at first. When you mediate, do not make concessions out of kindness and compassion. Stick to what you need to get past this.

go for something like contact once a month for a couple hours which will increase as he proves he's dry eg three months of concecutive blood tests showing he's dry, then contact will increase. Also if he does rehab or detox the reports have to be supplied to you and your solicitor. Do not accept you have to pay any of the costs, it's all on him to show he's recovering. Finally if he's a drunk arsehole upsetting your D's during contact and doing parental alienation get a clause in to reduce contact. If you end up in court for orders stipulate in a specific issue that he can't return to court for 1 year to challenge the orders as that is the minimum periodto recover

Watch out for the dry drunk phase, this is when they are sober but still in denial and not being responsible and being bloody difficult

Your goal is for him to leave you be and develop a sober responsible relationship with your ds.

These are all the things I should have done with hindsight. I didn't do any of the above other than a simple contact order once a week and child arrangements order giving primary care and 100% residency.

No matter what he agrees to afterwards it will be unfair and you will get to hear about it

No matter what he agrees to afterwards it will be unfair and you will get to hear about it

Yes, everything is always my fault. His employer is persecuting him unfairly too now because they are insisting he see a cardiologist to assess his risk of heart attack... Which is my fault as well, because he is under so much stress at home at the moment. Of course the long term damage to his heart could not be anything to do with years of heavy drinking and is all about the last few months

Anyway, we went to last mediation session. I'm glad I did in the end, because the mediator spent most of the time putting him back in his box. Told him that his financial expectations were bonkers, told him what a court would say (ie don't even bother, you'll end up worse off), and that even if he did get the amount of money he expected me to raise tomorrow (no chance!), he'd not get the mortgage he needs because of his spiralling credit card debts and unpredictable work situation. He said he needs to be able to buy a 3 bed semi in our area. She put it in no uncertain terms that he needs to look at his other options.

I did at one point think he was going to have a heart attack, he kept clutching his chest and was looking very unwell .

So, we don't really have a final conclusion on the amount, but it is likely I'll stay in the house and we'll have some sort of Mesher order for me to pay him off later.

So things inch forwards bit by bit. He's on half pay (on the sick) from work at the moment, and is struggling financially. He hasn't given me anything towards bills for weeks and I'm covertly aware that he's living on credit cards. This is all a bit scary. He earns a lot more than me when he is working which goes in my favour, but if he loses his job then the tables will turn. I just hope we can move more quickly than his employer, and keep working on detachment.

His poor conduct has helped in a way. I feel more able to detach. It occurred to me yesterday, that his mum has recently sold a house, she could easily come to his rescue and is choosing not to. So that speaks volumes. It's definitely not my responsibility either.
Still being in the same house while this all happens is a nightmare frankly, but that won't go on forever, so I just need to keep moving on.

Tiddleypops not sure where u are based but in the area I work and also the area where I live, it is standard practice for Social Services to refer and then work jointly with substance misuse services if alcohol or drugs is involved.