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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive family, Can I do what I am thinking?

29 replies

thisispointless · 28/03/2019 18:11

I do not want to go into many details, but a very long story short I have a very abusive family (parents, I am an adult but the abuse just seemed to get worse the older I got)

I need to leave for my own wellbeing, it has got to the point of them threatening me now (nothing new just getting worse) if I don't leave I will end up hurting myself. They have said many times if I leave to try to start a new life somewhere else they will find me, they will get the police to track me down, I will always be looking over my shoulder etc

My question is if I "disapear" one night and move away without telling anyone will the police disclose where I am because I am an adult? Do i go and talk to the police before I leave to let them know of the situation and tell them I do not want to be found? Parents have also told me they will think nothing of getting a private investigator to find me.

I know all this sounds crazy but unless you have an abusive family like this it is hard to understand.

OP posts:

CanuckBC · 28/03/2019 18:15

If you are an adult, the police won’t tell them where you are! Go to them before hand and ask them for advice on how to do it! They will help. Hell, if your parents are threatening you and you can record it you could get a no contact order!

Longsight2019 · 28/03/2019 18:16

It sounds like internal harassment to me which should be treated no differently to that carried out by a non family member.

Log, document and list everything from now. If you are leaving and they stop you, inform the police. I would have a discussion with the police now to make them aware.

How dare they think they can control you like this.

Whatififall · 28/03/2019 18:16

Domestic abuse is not just between partners. The DA team in the police or your local authority should be able to support you in getting away, definitely contact them for advice.

MachineBee · 28/03/2019 18:17

Please let the police know about the threats. Women’s Aid may also be able to help. But above all please leave. Very soon. And good luck with the rest of your life.

CanuckBC · 28/03/2019 18:17

Basically, yes, leave and start your own life away from them. Enjoy your life free of abuse and misery as soon as you can. Get your passport and birth certificate and any other important papers ie college, graduation, financial etc.

Don’t leave and traces of where you are going! Go to a different country, maybe where I am, Canada! It’s a fantastic country with lots of opportunities for employment! You will just have to plan for it.

MadMum101 · 28/03/2019 18:22

Police will not disclose your location if you ask them not to. You could talk to the police before you go to get advice in case they try to find you - potential harassment, restraining order. Tell them what they've threatened you with.

Do you have somewhere safe to go?

I did this at 17, unfortunately guilt made me go back. It took another 25 years for me to fully escape (and that was only because they started on my own DC) and a further 5 years of therapy to start repairing some of the damage. I wish I'd been more clued up when I was younger!

Good luck

Original poster

thisispointless · 28/03/2019 18:22

what about the private investigator side of things? if they pay one to track me down what would happen in that instance? I have money saved up, I am ready to leave and have all my documents etc but if my location is just going to be reported back to them via a pa then it is poinltess me going in the first place.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 18:36

I would take this really slowly and really seriously. I'd change my name by deed poll. I'd get my name changed on any qualifications and on my passport. I'd tell the police that I would be leaving and that they shouldn't instigate a search. I'd perhaps give them an email address which nobody else would use, and if they made a request I'd go into a police station to confirm I was alive. But really, I'd just take their advice on that. It's not illegal to go missing.

I would feel safer if I went abroad. Is there anywhere you could go to where you know they wouldn't look?

Mediumsizeddancer · 28/03/2019 18:36

I would think a PI wouldn’t touch the case if you had a harassment order against your parents in place, but I could be wrong there.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 18:37

Do you live with them?

BTW your police domestic violence unit would be a very good place to start.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 18:37

I agree, @Mediumsizeddancer.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 18:38

It sounds very toxic. They know you want to leave and have threatened to find you? Are they actually capable of that, do you think? Do they have unlimited resources?

Tachy · 28/03/2019 19:08

I think you should be reporting the abuse to the police. I understand it might be scary but you might need the police on side when you move.
Good luck, hope your new life is much better.

DelphiMum · 28/03/2019 19:28

I just wanted to say good luck

TeaForTheWin · 28/03/2019 19:38

Look, even if you go and they get a private investigator and find you-so what? If they harass you in anyway you just go to the police.

Worst case scenario-you never leave. Surely leaving and them finding out where you are is still preferable to that. And chances are that if you go far and fast enough they won't find you anyway. Infact they may not even look. And if they do find you and cause problems, you call the police.

If you don't choose to be free, you never will be. And if you take your freedom, they cannot ever take it back from you, unless you let them.

The way you proceed depends on how much dosh you have. But either way, get out of there.

TeaForTheWin · 28/03/2019 19:43

And I disagree with the leave slow approach. If you have your documents and enough money to rent somewhere (perhaps buddy up or get a room via spareroom?) GO go fast, go now. If you can afford it, don't wait, or they'll get suspicious and find other ways to keep you there. There are womens aid charities that might be of use...like well, 'womans aid'. Might be wise to get out of there first and ask for more advice later though...

HollowTalk · 28/03/2019 19:53

When I said leave slowly, I meant as long as it takes to get your name and passport changed legally. But if the atmosphere is very bad, then yes, get out asap.

Chocolateisfab · 28/03/2019 19:56

Change your name op. Maybe become a Mr New Name if necessary...

Morticiaismymumgoal · 28/03/2019 20:39

Leave, go, live your life as soon as possible!!
If they asked the police to find you they could only do it as a missing/ vulnerable person. The police would likely find you and you could explain the situation to them and they could report back nothing or report back as you're found, you're safe, you're an adult and they absolutely will not disclose your whereabouts unless you agree to it.
If they use a PI they may find you but what then? If they turn up you don't answer, if they confront you you call the police. You have a right to live your life free from them, do you have a job? I'd move as far away as I could within reason and go from there. Good luck!

wibbleee · 28/03/2019 21:00

I agree just go. Change your name and maybe do it in different clothes/ wig if you have to ! As an adult the police won`t pass on anything anyway. Report to police now and they may help.

Springisallaround · 28/03/2019 21:05

I know someone who had a completely different name originally and moved away from abusive parents. She moved, changed her name and is a lovely lovely person who has gone on to live a separate and very interesting life, she also has some contact with other adopted family members but no-one else. She just recreated herself somewhere else. Definitely go for it and let the police know you are not missing if they call.

Tilikum · 28/03/2019 21:42

Agree with the other posters, just go! Put as much distance between yourself and your parents as possible, remove your social media, get a new phone number, new email address, new everything, change your name if you like. If you have a restraining order against your parents then they wouldn't be able to harass you with a PI, or do one of those Facebook social media campaigns to try to find you. If they do, you could keep your old Facebook account just to use to report their posts and maybe get them banned from the platform.

If you're between 18-30 you can get a one year working holiday visa to Oz, with an option to extend for a year if you do 3 months of regional work. You could also get a 2 year working holiday visa to New Zealand. Let's see your parents try to follow you there!

Good luck thisispointless I hope you manage to break away from them.

Nocontactgrief · 28/03/2019 23:10

I have been thinking about your post all evening, OP.
I am currently estranged from my family.
There is no way to persuade you of this, because you are still within their control. But you have to trust me when I tell you that your family is nowhere near as powerful as your abused mind thinks they are.
Until you are out, you won't be able to see that their 'we'll hunt you down' bullshit has no meaning.
So they get a PI...so, they find you?
You tell them to fuck off.
What can they actually do?
You are an adult & are ENTITLED to an independent, autonomous life. The law will support you if they continue to harass you.
You don't need their permission.
You don't need their approval.
You don't need them in your life.

I strongly recommend you have a look at the Website: https://www.standalone.org.uk

There are lots of us in your place.
Just keep going & get out, you won't believe how much better life is when you cut off your abusers.
Please PM me if you would like support.

BlueSaphire · 29/03/2019 00:46

I agree with all the replies, inform the police before you go, just in case your parents do try to involve the them by saying they are worried about your diappearance.
Your parents cant hold any power over you if you refuse to let them.
Live your life, good luck, be happy.

Seniorschoolmum · 29/03/2019 01:01

Good luck OP.

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