6 weeks pregnant and partner wants me to terminate, not sure what to do

[theprocrastin8er]

I would really appreciate advice on my complicated and stressful situation. Please bear with me on the back history because I think it is relevant for understanding why i'm in the situation I am now in.

I am 34 and a half and I have been with my partner for 9 years (first 5 were long-distance but lived together for 4). We have a happy, relaxed drama-free relationship in most respects. In the early years I would occasionally ask about children and he would say 'yes probably in the future, not now'. Four years ago after some blood tests for something else I was told I had low ovarian reserve for my age (30 at the time) and advised to do prviate IVF if I could afford it (I couldn't). I was in shock but after lots of discussion my partner agreed I could come off the pill to see if it happened naturally. Three years later, lots of sex and no pregnancies, I went back to the GP and they sent me to the hospital for tests etc, and was referred for NHS IVF.

At this point my partner freaked out and said he wasn't sure he wanted children yet. We then spent several months agonising over it. With a lot of persuasion (with hindsight, I can see this is where I went wrong) and him changing his mind several times he agreed to start IVF in November 2018, and by the end of the process he seemed quite 'in it' and wanting it to be successful, mainly to make me happy I think. However, it failed. This then brought up more difficult conversations about whether to have another go (we had 2 frozen embryos). He asked for time to think about, which I gave him, thinking that probably he would come round to it post-Brexit (he works in that area and has a lot of work stress). This brings us up to March 2019.

Then, three weeks ago - in the course of an argument about something else - he said he had decided he probably didn't want children. I was devastated and suggested we have some time apart to think about what to do. He agreed time apart would be good and said he wasn't sure how much it was the stress of the IVF but he wasn't feeling as happy in our relationship and felt I was angry with him a lot (I suppose I was a bit as I was so worried about missing my chance to be a mother), although this was the first time he'd mentioned it. We spent a few days talking and crying a lot and he started looking for a shared flat to move to.

Then... I discovered I was pregnant (conceived before his 'decision'). So after several years of believing it would only happen through IVF, we're suddenly pregnant naturally, which was a huge shock to us both. Neither of us believed that could happen.

He did not take it well at all. He wants me to terminate and feels that he had decided not to have children, so we can't proceed. He says if I proceed we will have to separate and there is no chance of us parenting together as a happy family. He thinks a child will ruin his life and that he won't love it as he ought to. He thinks it's completely wrong for a child to be brought into this messy situation.

So here I am, 6 weeks pregnant and scared. I never imagined myself as a single parent and don't have much family support nearby. I do however have a flat that I own and a part-time job so will get some maternity pay. I'm 35 this year and worried that if I terminate this pregnancy I might not get pregnant again, even if I were lucky enough to meet someone else who wanted children.

My initial reaction to the pregnancy was shock but also happiness. But now he has said this I am terrified of doing it alone, and am not sure I'll manage it. Also, I wonder whether he's right, and its unfair on the child to proceed. I don't want to be selfish. It worries me the child would have separated parents and no siblings. None of this is what I imagined.

He has agreed to talk to a counsellor but tells me not to hold out any hope of him changing his mind.

Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you for reading such a long post.

Lobsterquadrille2 thank you for taking the time to share your story. It is sad to hear you went through something similar and that he said such awful things, but also heartening to hear how well it has turned out for you. Your daughter sounds like such a credit to you. It is really helpful to hear other peoples' experiences.

You're mid 30s, got fertility issues, you're pregnant and you know you want a child. In this situation, the only way I would terminate a pregnancy is if there were a threat to my health or safety from continuing. Even if you do find someone else who wants a baby with you fairly quickly, there's still zero guarantee it will happen. And you won't be able to use your embryos.

As for the relationship, it appears to be over. Nothing to be done about that, unfortunately. You can't make him change his mind and you can't make yourself be willing to stay with him if he pressures you into termination.

It could be your only chance to be a mother and why give it up for any man. Can you manage financially? Congratulations, what a miracle after all you went through. Keep hold of it. Keep it close. Don’t let go

To the poster who said this stress isn't good for me or the baby, I agree and that worries me too. I've been feeling panicky for two solid weeks and feel bad about the baby being exposed to so much cortisol. That almost seems like an argument for termination because I fear the stress will continue longer if we split up and I go through this pregnancy on my own.

I am a single parent and although it can be hard sometimes, seeing my DS smile and hug me when he wakes up is the best thing ever.

Re stress comment, what I meant by that is to try to stop worrying about what your DP wants and put your wants & needs uppermost. He seems to think it's all about him.
Don't worry about stress & being pregnant. I non-stop fretted about everything under the sun during both pregnancies and they are both fit and well. Both the love of my lives.

feel bad about the baby being exposed to so much cortisol. sad That almost seems like an argument for termination because I fear the stress will continue longer if we split up and I go through this pregnancy on my own

That's absolutely not a reason to terninate. Babies are a lot tougher that we realise!

Decide if you do or don't want the baby - don't terminate because of fears which are almost certainly unfounded.

shatteredandstressed thank you. I am just so worried so thank you for that reassurance. I am trying to take my mind off the situation and not be stressing constantly (although this seems to turn into falling asleep a lot!)

Don't let someone else take this away from you. Congratulations and you will find a way..

You will manage and you will be fine! How dare he make a decision about your life. This might be your only chance op. Its ultimately up to what you want to do but please dont let reasons such as only child, separated parents etc be the deciding factor. All those things could very well change.
Hes proved to be quite selfish. I think do what you feel is right for yourself not for you as a couple.

I'm puzzled as to why you would contemplate terminating a long wanted baby for the person who's the cause of all your current stress, OP.

I would go for it, but also just wanted to comment on your concerns about being stressed. I had horrendous anxiety during my entire pregnancy with my first. I had barely any sleep because of family issues and was also in a start up with someone who drove me mad. We were completely skint and living at the in laws. I was so, so worried about the stress, anxiety and lack of sleep affecting the baby. She is now 3 and is the most lovely child and can manage her emotions better than any 3 year old I've ever met. Don't let stress affect your decision. It's not ideal, but if you do go through with it, your child will be perfect.

Look, this relationship is over anyway. So leave him out of it. And his thing about not fair on the baby etc is just rubbish.

Make a decision for yourself. Do what you want. If you want to have a baby go ahead with the pregnancy. I often read stuff on here about relationships and women getting pregnant and I think "god I'd terminate without a second thought if it were me" but in your circumstances, I would not terminate. As a pp said
You're mid 30s, got fertility issues, you're pregnant and you know you want a child. In this situation, the only way I would terminate a pregnancy is if there were a threat to my health or safety from continuing.

But that's me. you have to do what YOU want. not anyone else. But do not make any decision based on your relationship continuing with this man. It won't.

Part of me wonders if I ought to be terminating this pregnancy, leaving him ASAP,, freezing my eggs and dating like crazy to find someone who wants the same as me. But I have several friends in their mid thirties looking for a partner and it's definitely not easy at this stage. Several of them are worried they might not meet someone in time to have a child.

I think, given your history, your choice needs to be to have a child, or be prepared to not have a child.

Yes, you might meet someone, have successful IVF and have another child. But the odds are stacked against this happening. Don't choose to terminate a wanted child in favour of a wanted child in the "right" circumstances as they may never happen.

I once heard a woman speak who had been born to her mother in a concentration camp. You couldn’t get a much more stressful pregnancy than that!
Congratulations on your pg and sorry about your ex. Would not be surprised if he has dc of his own with a new partner.
Don’t see how you can consider terminating when you were having ivf, abortion is right for those who want it but you do not sound like someone who wants it!

I should say, yes you're all right in saying that the relationship is over anyway. The only way I can imagine it continuing is if he has a completely turn around, supports me keeping the baby and makes an effort to get on board. There is absolutely no chance of me terminating the pregnancy with a view to keeping the relationship.

I suppose the reasons for terminating would be: the risk of the child realising that their dad didn't want them, not being a good enough parent on my own and not coping, me getting ill or dying and leaving them alone in the world, and not being able to give them siblings. All those things make me feel awful.

If you have this baby, you won't be the only single mum you know. There are lots of ways of meeting mum friends. I've made loads of new friends since having my kids.

You'll meet other mums, single and in couples. Lots of mothers who have babies in a couple will find themselves single sooner or later anyway as they realise how badly cut out their partners are to be dads.

Also, if you want to be in a relationship, it's unlikely you'll be single forever! You never know what life may bring. You might meet Mr Right, and who knows, he may even have kids, or be up for trying, so your baby might have siblings after all.

You could get rid of this child, meet someone, manage IVF successfully, have a child then the dad turns out to be a dickhead once the baby's born and you end up on your own with a child who doesn't have a sibling anyway!

You have no way of knowing what's in the future.

You do know you're pregnant now. If you want to be a mother, given your history, I'd say keep it. If you want to, you can do this.

howmanybiscuits
I think, given your history, your choice needs to be to have a child, or be prepared to not have a child.
I think this is very true. It just feels so hard when my preference might not be what's in the best interests of a child.

Would your own family be able to support you if you were geographically closer?

it seems like the relationship’s over and he’s trying to tie up ‘loose ends’ by getting you to terminate.
He can walk alway more easily and not be the bad guy if there’s no baby.

shatteredandstressed I'm not sure really if moving would help. My parents (who live about 2 hours away) have 5 grandchildren already and aren't very involved with them. They like to see them but don't take sole care of them at all. They are also quite conservative and religious and I think will be quite crtiical of me getting into this situation so am dreading talking to them really. My sister is lovely and might help a bit but has young three children of her own and a job so doesn't have a lot of time to support anyone at the moment.

Children don’t need siblings.or they might get them and hate them.

You’ll be a fine parent same as most. Sometimes it’ll be tough. Sometimes a breeze. Always full of love.

Yes you could die before they’re grown. So could we all. You can put it in you will to whom you’d like your child to go.

Your child might find out it’s bio dad is a twat. It happens. It’s not that big a deal in the long run.

In any case you might meet someone else and they may get a fab new dad Instead of the sad sack you’re currently with.

As PPs have said - this May be your only chance. In your shoes I’d take it. I’d also make sure not to register the partner as father. After all, you’re not married so you don’t have to.

howmanybiscuits
If you have this baby, you won't be the only single mum you know. There are lots of ways of meeting mum friends. I've made loads of new friends since having my kids.

You'll meet other mums, single and in couples. Lots of mothers who have babies in a couple will find themselves single sooner or later anyway as they realise how badly cut out their partners are to be dads.

Thank you, I hadn't really thought of that, and it's a cheering thought that there could be other single parents to connect with. Everything you've said in all your posts has been incredibly helpful for me.

Thank you to everyone. It does seem like the overwhelming opinion is not to terminate, because, I think, most of you correctly surmise it's not what I really want. You've all read and understood me so well. I think I needed space to ask some complete strangers whether it was unfair on the baby to continue with the pregnancy because the only voice I have at the moment is his, telling me that it is. To have so many voices tell me otherwise, or tell me that in my position they wouldn't terminate, helps to balance things out.

I know you're worried about stress, but the biggest stressor here is actually making a decision. Once you decide and plan accordingly you will feel better, because there is no longer that sense of uncertainty.

Picture your life in five or ten years time. If the image of living with your own child (with or without another partner) genuinely brings you joy then you should follow your gut and have this baby. You might not get another chance and you can make it work- thousands of women do. Yeah the dad's an asshole but you sound like you will be a kind, patient and loving parent, which is sadly more than many children have.