Help, do I really have to consult him?

[mummyloves]

Please help mumsnetters, I don't really know who to turn to. My DS is 3 1/2. I never lived with his dad and the break up was simply awful before I realised I was even pg with DS. He was and still is, an emotional cripple, a control freak and downright evil when it came to revenge. I found out I was pregnant about three weeks after we split up and his reaction was, in the first instance to say that I had to terminate because it would ruin his plans for his life, and then in the second instance, to try to map out exactly what he would "get" (supposedly contact wise etc) over the next 18 yrs. Initially we had an arrangement for him to see DS every 2 weeks, but he constantly wanted to change the date or time depending on whether he had another "engagement". Because I stuck to my guns that DS should come before anything else apart from emergency situations or illness for example, he gave up the ghost and disappeared when DS was 5 months old to go travelling. He said he was going to try to get residency in Australia and never come back. I got on with things, worked 8 hr days to support us both and made myself very ill with having a child that didn't and still doesn't sleep! He suddenly came back and started seeing DS when he was 2 with my agreement but because this child didn't know who he was I refused his requests from the outset for him to take DS away on his own for whole days at a time. I was allowing him to see DS in my home for up to 8 hours, practically spending the whole day with us, as long as he didn't start with the threats and intimidation again. I just wanted DS to get to know his father. Apart from that xdp lives about 2 1/2 hrs drive away and doesn't have anywhere to take him.Needless to say, after only 5 visits he started with the threats to take me to court if I didn't agree to his timetable of increasing contact, which really meant that he wanted to take DS some 2 1/2 hrs away for whole weekends after a four month period. If I didn't agree he would take me to court. He has, and since May the contact at a contact centre has increased from 1 hr to 3 hours now unsupervised. He got Parental responsibility at court. I didn't fight it as I knew it would be futile. I believe he is totally irresponsible and can list a number of things that he has done with him which I believe put him in danger or at least do not go towards making DS a sensible individual. The latest of which is teaching him how to "headbutt" and driving him on a public road with DS sitting on his lap. I'm furious but the courts just say, "I'm sure knows that he should be sensible with DS". It's now time for me to fill in the forms for applying for a place at school when he's 5. I do not speak to xdp, he does not have a home telephone number for me and has been advised by my solicitor not to contact me. He was previously harrassing me on the phone at work and at all times of the day and night. He tape records conversations that we do have and I'm scared (not physically) to be anywhere near him. Prior to the contact centre I had to have someone with me when he visited DS because of the intimidation. Parental responsibility means I'm supposed to contact him and "discuss" which schools we should be looking at for DS. But he doesn't know my area, doesn't know DS's friends, local reputation of the schools, he hasn't got the issue of childcare options to worry about and certainly doesn't pay for it. He doesn't support DS full stop. I haven't had a penny since DS was 5 months old even though he's got his own business. What will happen if I just fill out the application form and tell him afterwards? Can the courts really hold this against me? I can't in any way shape or form visit schools with him in tow to pretend to be the united front. Even if he visited schools on his own, independantly from me, that would mean I have conversed with him in some way to get to that stage. I just can't. What does he know about where we live and what the factors are. There's no way I'm going to choose a bad school for my son. Currently two family members help in looking after him outside of nursery hours and they're local teachers. They KNOW the local schools and are in a good position to advise. What should I do? Please help! I'm sorry if this was a bit 'round the houses!

what a lot you have had to contend with poor you i really dont have a real advice for you but maybe you should get legal advice to see if the courts would hold this against you first.
i really feel for you its hard enough being a single parent with out the added pressure of a exp thats making life difficult. hugs x

don't know anything about the legal situation but maybe you could just get on a choose a school and then send him a letter or something with the school's information and tell him this is where DS will be going.

why did you not fight parental responsibility btw?

regarding the driving with him on his lap - couldn't you report him to the police - isn't that illegal?

Thanks peachypie you have real stamina to have read all of that! God I've just gone back into this and seen what a "War & Peace" I've created. How embarassing. Sorry everyone, if you do ever get to the end of that diatribe please, any advice would be so helpful.

Sorry to hear about your problems - don't know much about what to do but....
If he has parental responsibity shouldn't he also be contributing financially??
Do you have joint PR?
If you have overall PR I would have thought you could choose the school??
I would personally go round those you want to and make your own decision and just sign him up and say nothing.
Most importantly, keep you own notes - write down visits made/not kept/changed, and anything that worries you - dates and times - if he's doing anything dangerous to your child it's important to keep a record.
Good luck and chin up
I'm sure there must be someone you can talk to of your worries (Health Visitor?)
I'm sure someone else will be able to give you more info.
Do you have a mobile no for him? If you have no contact no how can you phone to arrange schooling?? - Good excuse for you!

Freddiecat, I've got this hang up about the phrase, has a "right to be consulted over decisions with regards to education". I'll admit what I thought I could do was complete the application form and tell him, "these are the three schools I've put his name down for". That way it's not sort of a fait a complis.

As for the driving, I actually witnessed it and I'm ashamed to say that even though I'm in the "best" position to report him. I was too scared because he's threated to phone my very senior senior boss and make allegations against me, knowing that I'd be suspended whether true or not. There are no allegations he could make against me, he said so, he just knows what the repercussions would be.

dear mummyloves i was hoping to get the chance to say hello and to thank you .i was up late the other night and read some of your thread when you were talking to someone else your love for your little boy just shone out of these pages and made me realise just how grumpy ive been with my ds(2) recently and that night i cherised slepping next to him and have tried my hardest not to grump since.thankyou mummyloves this is an example of how loves goes round and how good vibes spread so easily-without you even knowing!

you have had a very difficult time and im sure anyone /everyone who knows you knows what a wonderful mother you are. i totally understand your concerns here,cause i imagine your xdp may disagree with your choice just to be awkard-maybe if you ever need to explain yourself this would be a point or otherwise just act totally innocent saying you were so busy you didnt even think too ask him.-is there anything for him to sign? if not i think you should choose-as you have obviuosly made all the desicions in your sons life so far and the right ones- imho. i think your attitude towards your dp also shines even though he is a s**t(if you'll pardon my french!) not many people could've handled things so well and so fairly (i suspect)
that is my view mummyloves you have done your best for and by your son and anyone will see this and you are obviously in the best position to make the right choice hth x
scuse typos as its too late for checks!

Thanks for your support Bobs. I had overall responsibility until he got awarded it by the court. Freddicat I didn't fight it because even though I had pages and pages of "evidence" against him as to why he wasn't responsible, not least of all abandonning Ds at 5 months old, teaching him how to hit on the head with various objects, kicking balls and kittens, physically blocking my distraught Ds from coming to me when he wwas crying for me during a visit, blocking him from coming to me crying on another occasion having the effect that Ds ran into a brick wall to try and dodge his dad , who was stepping out in front of him to stop him etc etc etc.... the judge had already muttered about the change in the law re both parent son the birth certificate and although this was not retrospective, it was almost guarateed to be automatic. My solicitor advised the same, another solicitor advised the same, and as I've read on other threads, I was more or less told, it makes little difference anyway. So far, I've spent over £8k on solicitors and the courts. To have a full hearing I was told it would cost me at least another £2,500 just on the issie of PR alone. He's on legal aid because his business is "new" and he can't show earnings supposedly. I know the truth but can't get the tax office or the CSA to take me seriously.

Earlygirl, thank you , thank you, if that's not too ove the top. You've hit the nail on the head when you suggested I could say , "oops I forgot". I had thought the same thing, plead ignorance and say, "Sorry, I'm just SO used to having to make all the decisions myself...... " I know this would be a dig and I'm sure the court would see right through it! having said that, what could they actually do? Yes he will want a different school just to be awkward, but is a family court really going to go for a hearing just to decide which school a child will go to if the school I choose and presumably gets a place at is a good school, close by etc etc. he doesn't have any special needs, or anything which might show I wasn't acting in his best interests. My child is for me the centre of my universe. Earlygirl, I never thought I'd be in this position but I'd give up the rest of my life for my boy, and if you've read one of the other posts, I have, for 4 1/2 years so far without a nibble! I can't believe that I'm happier with Ds than I am with anything else I've ever experienced. As long as he looks after me when I'm a sad lonely old pensioner! Joking, even I can't wait that long!

Mummyloves, this guy sounds like a nightmare.

Firstly, I agree with Bobs - keep a diary of all the irresponsible things he does with your DS, because I think you need to get PR away from him. "There is no point in fighting it" is not strictly true. If you get a good, competent solicitor - and such entitities do exist - they can make a court see that having a biological connection to a child is not the same as being a fit person to be in sole charge of that child, whatever the current fashion says.

And keep a note of all the intimidating, frightening, menacing thing he says to you, and how you felt about it, and whether he said it in front of your DS, and how your DS felt about it. Use it in court against him some day.

As for the school thing, go right ahead and choose your DS's school and don't tell your xp a thing about it. He won't even be thinking about schools, he doesn't have that real adult responsibilty, remember? PR is a way of pretending that absent parents have full participation in the life of a child while leaving all the real slog of looking after the child to the person who really does look after the child. Don't fall for the court's pretence - you know the real score, even if the legal gobbledegook pretends that black is white. Unless your xp asks about it, it won't even be an issue. By the time your child starts school, this flake may well have lost interest in him. And what's he going to do? Go look round all the other schools in the area? Take you to court for not discussing it with him? In which case, say you did, and he was drunk at the time, but agreed with your choice.

And FWIW, in most cases of these control freak fathers, the best way to deal with them is to insist that they show a lot of interest in their children. They soon back off, because they hate the women more than they love the children, and if they think that it will piss you off, they'll do it. So never let on that you don't desperately want him to be involved in his child's life - the more involved he thinks you want him to be, the less interest he'll have. He's never paid a penny towards his child's expenses? He's contemptible. Not scary. Bear that in mind.

Does the court know he doesn't pay maintenance? Or are they a modern liberal one, who don't think it's relevant?

Sorry, I exagerated, 4 yrs 3 months and 2 days to be precise, June 8th 2000, I remember it well!

mummyloves i think bobs made the best point about the maintainance he is not keeping that side of the bargain which is very important-would he even dare to bring this up. and what could they do not a lot-just go ahead and continue to make the best decisions for your baby
if i were you and its a good job im not i would have probably killed this man by now.you are such a good person just remember this and bu**er the courts -of course you know best
thankyou again because you have saved my son from an extremely grumpy mummy much love mummyloves and good luck with everything x love to your ds too x

Meanbean, I've made almost a contemporaneous note of everything He's ever done and said since I was pregnant. It got so bad during the pregnancy that my doctor, shouted at me (nicely) to ignore the a**le and look after myself and that afternoon the consultant psychiatrist was on my doorstep> because he put me on medication he's even used that against me that I can't cope. The fact that I worked in my very "relevant to the driving offence" job until the day I gave birth, never had a day sick leave, went for promotion three months after I went back to work (because I needed the money) , is lost on the courts. You're right about the solicitor, but I keep going to incompetent one after incompetent one and each time it costs me money because they bill me for going over all the same stuff each time. I know that if I did this for someone else I could easily represtent them because I'm so used to the environment, but I can't stay imprsonal and detached, it's about me, and I'll just end up bursting into tears, otherwise I'd represent myself. The money's running out. I had to get a big loan to cover this and there's only a little bit left.Does anyone know any good Hertfordshire family lawyers?

If all else fails, you could write: "Diary of a single mother" and eventually make money out of it. People would be so shocked if they knew just how badly men behave about their children, and just how supportive of their shitty behaviour the courts are. I've got so much sympathy for you - cyber hygs, but not much else.

Except - from now on, go to solicitors who will give you the first consultation free, so you can suss out if they're shite. (With your experience, you'll be able to by now.)

ML, we didn't contact DD's boi mother when we were chosing schools for DD even though she has PR (mother automatically gets it) and they have only contacted her to get her views regarding DD's special needs for her statementing (not that she would know anything about DD's needs anyway )

Sorry, just thought I'd let you know we didn't and nothing has come of it

Meanbean, you have a very valid point there! Hmm I'd love to request a transfer back to uniform just for one day, a day when those poxy "Fathers for Justice" were dangling off a bridge!!!!! Oops, prove it!

Hi mummyloves, your post make me so angry. I haven't read all the otehrs but could you write to him about 2-3 weeks before the deadline. Don't tell him anything about the schools you are considering (why shouldn't he have to do his own research?) Simply say "the form regarding ds's school aplications needs to be in the post by x. If I have not heard from you concerning your preferences by x minus a week I will complete the form. If I do hear from you we can discuss". Then, at the end of the day you can put what you want on the form anyway.

that way you have "tried". In fact you have arguably done more than you need because you have been pro-active in seeking his opinion. I wouldn't have thought that his being entitled to a say means you have to chase him. If he was a responsible father he woule be chasing you, ifswim.

good luck and keep your head high

Hatter, thank you for listening, my real problem is that because of how raw I feel I couldn't "discuss" anything with him, even something so important. I try to look at it from the "set your differences aside" perspective but as in court statements he's branded me the most violent person he knows who supposedly attacks strangers in public (totally untrue and he admitted to me in court but in a private room that he knew this would wind me up), I "treated him like a punch bag" (again in court he laughed and said "yeah, well you slapped me once!", I "smash my flat up" (you get the idea) and wait for it, my best friend, who happens to be gay (xdp is a confirmed homophobe) assisted in murdering his mother and sister, which is news to his sister who is thankfully still alive, oh, and my BILaw apparently sent photographs of his daughters to a sex group on the internet would you believe. ALL OF THIS IN STATEMENTS AND TO COURT WELFARE OFFICERS IN THEIR REPORTS!!!Thankfully , it appears they took it for what it was, angry bitter bulls**t. Your idea is EXACTLY what I wish I could do but I just couldn't talk to the man. How could a court expect me too. Supposedly they would say do it through solicitors? More money. You're right on your last point as well, that if he ws responsible he would have known when the forms come out, why is he relying on me to tell him what is happening with DS's life? Thank you so much to all of you who have commented so far. I really do appreciate it.

Hi, on the subject of parental responsibility. It doesn't actually entitle him to much. He is only allowed 'a say' in your choice of school. That means you listen to his opinion on the subject and then do whatever the hell you like. You are the main carer so you get to choose.

You were probably right not to contest parental responsibility. I was advised that it is granted in 99% of cases but not to worry because it doesn't really give him anything in the way of rights. However in my case my ex was so appalling the judge didn't even grant it!

Have you been to the CSA for money? I think you should if not because this s**t is going to continue as he is if you don't. Get the money while he still has some. It is absolutely nothing to do with any contact arrangements or parental responsibility.

And can I just say that I do know where you're coming from with the lies. No matter how much you know it's not true you still feel hurt and worried in case the court believes it.

My ex made a statement claiming that we split up because he came home and found me in bed with someone else - it was a total lie. We actually split up because he didn't want to be with me any more. We were in court because I wouldn't allow my dds to go to his place any more once I found out he was making hardcore porn movies in his house with his pregnant girlfriend and selling them on the internet - a fact he had allowed my the 11 year old to discover 'accidentally on purpose'. He was interviewed by a top criminal psychologist and told him that I used to be 'sexually gregarious'. I never did work out what that was supposed to mean!

My husband's parents read the submissions to court. The court, CAFCASS officer, and my husband believed my version of events, but my inlaws chose to believe my ex's and from then on treated me like some revolting piece of dirt. Subsequently my husband cut them out of our lives. All that as a result of these slanderous lies. No wonder you are upset by it. Anyone would be. It just puts you on the back foot all the time, trying to defend yourself against something that actually doesn't exist.

The diary is an absolute must. In court terms, it is seen almost on a level with a police officer's notebook. Huge credence is given to what is known as "contemporaneous notes". I would write a short (or very detailed) history of what has happened to date and then keep specific notes about anything he does or doesn't do from now on.

Parental responsibility is a bit of a crud, tbh. It just makes the dads feel good that they have "rights" wrt their child, without having the means of imposing actual "responsibilities" on said fathers. So what is the point?

Although parental responsibility is not specifically set out, it is defined as 'all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property'. And this therefore includes

• safeguarding and promoting a child's health, development and welfare

• financially supporting the child

• providing direction and guidance to the child

• maintaining direct and regular contact with the child.

Seems to me that he has failed on virtually all of those counts.

As has been said, you consult him, but then just go and do your own thing. You are the main carer and you get to make the final decision.

hi mummyloves, just wanted to add what most people have said already. You should contact CSA to sort out maintenance. As a responsible parent, he should be paying you money for your ds. That is one of his responsibilities. Keep a diary of things he does. I do this, and I keep txts that exp has sent me, and save conversations we have on msn.

I wouldnt tell him anything about the schools until you have decided on one. You know whats best for your ds. In my case, exp lives 3hrs away so I would just inform him of what school I decided on, and if hes not happy with it, tough luck.

Im not allowing exp to have dd until he shows me he is responsible. Plus Im going to wait til dd can make her own decisions. That way if she is happy to stay with him, and I think that dd will be fine with him, then Ill allow it. Exp is wanting PR and I will give it to him as I know that he will get it anyway, but Im not going to allow him to have it until he seems more responsible. But even with PR, exp still wont be able to have a say over me, as Im the main carer. The same goes for you. Although your exp has PR, he can have a say in things but he cant over rule you as such. My solicitor told me this.

He keeps threatening you about going to the courts just so he can get his way. But would he? Its all very well him threatening you but would he go through with it. It takes time and a lot of money so would he be serious about it? Plus what would his case be? Exp use to threaten me, and then I would say to him what exactly would he say? I dont stop him from seeing dd unless its inconvient for me, he hasnt seen dd in 12 weeks so how he expects me to allow him to have dd I dont know, and he's only just changing back the maintenance to what I should be getting.

Where abouts in Hertfordshire are you? Im in Watford, and use Collins Solicitors. They're really good, but you would have to agree to going through mediation to be able to get legal aid. Sorry if Ive just repeated what other people have said xxx

I wouldn't bother consulting him at all. YOu have the final say anyway. In fact, despite my husband being a fantastic father in every possible way, his ex has never consulted him re schools for his daughter. Luckily we do at least trust her to pick a decent and appropriate school for her, so didn't bother to make a fuss about it, but she just went ahead anyway. I think your ex sounds a nightmare. If you honestly think he is putting your son at risk, I'd be inclined to say he stays at the contact centre or you'll refuse to cooperate. The powers of the court in these circumstances are extremely limited. I really feel for you. What a bastard he sounds.

Really, don't even mention the schools to him. And don't be so frightened of the courts or even of your ex. You have the final say on all matters concerning your son. Play hardball with him. You can't put your son's life at risk just because terrible person is blackmailing you.

And call the CSA right this minute.

Thanks everyone, I took me and DS away for the ONE weekend out of four I don't have to be tied to the house cos of contact. I feel happy now you've all reassured me that I could technically just get on with sorting Ds's school out by myself without much comeback, but as for the courts, I'm getting the impression from the Judge that she just wants to push it forward regardless. She's refused to look at my contemporaneous notes, won't read any additional statements apart from mine and refused a further report from the CAFCASS officer even though the CAFCASS officer had recommended a review report. She's steamrolling ahead and I feel totally poweless. I can't change judges as she's insisted on keeping this case to herself. How on earth do you change a judge? The other thing is, as I don't get legal aid, every time we go to court, it's a question of, agree to what he wants or he'll just request a full hearing and the solicitor says this will cost me another £5k plus. I just haven't got the money. I feel I'm over a barrel and that's what he's told me and is banking on. I think I need to go busking!.