Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Daughter's father's funeral

28 replies

Getaldine1210 · 27/03/2019 23:21

My daughter is 23. She had not been seen by her father for over 20 years.
By chance she found out two days ago that he had died.
She wants to go to the funeral. He has children by several wives/partners.
She is worried that she will be turned away.
I have told her she is as much his child as any of the others.
She was hoping to have some of his ashes (Not allowed).
Does anyone have any experience or knowledge of attending a funeral in these circumstances?

OP posts:

Bunnybigears · 27/03/2019 23:30

I doubt they would turn her away because by your account they wont know who she is. I think asking for some of the ashes of someone who you haven't had a relationship with is a bit much I'm not surprised this request was turned down.

Oldstyle · 28/03/2019 00:22

No experience but maybe you could go with her for moral support? Doubt she'd be turned away - lots of people turn up at funerals who aren't known to the main mourners. Hope she is able to go and that it helps in whatever way she hopes it will help.

Sally2791 · 28/03/2019 00:26

Enirely reasonable to attend. Who is in charge of decisions Re ashes? Seems OK that she should have some ashes unless he had specific wishes otherwise.

Smotheroffive · 28/03/2019 00:31

How sad for her. I would support her so she wasn't alone providing that wouldn't cause issues, but if there are going to be other wives/partners and dc then she'll not be any different from the others.

She's the one that needs to get closure for this, and he's her father so why would she not be allowed a small container of ashes? Who is the one 'entitled' to hold the ashes,I would have thought relatives, especially DC,but I don't know

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 02:33

I think her going is a terrible idea but I can understand why she wants to. A friend had a similar thing (although she had been in touch with her father, sporadically) and hearing his talked about as a devoted father to his children A,B and C, and her not mention (the eldest, so older than the ones named) destroyed her. The man who was being mourned bore no resemblance to the selfish piece of shit who could barely give her the time of day. Its been ... 15 ish years and she is still struggling.

But if you cant talk her out of it then do go with her. You and she wont be turned away.

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 02:51

Did he choose no contact? Do his other children know she exists? This will be a distressing time for the children who grew up with him, as hard as it is for her will be worse for them. Asking for ashes now may be hurtful when they are grieving. She can’t know him now but maybe she can have a relationship with them in the future, but maybe now isn’t the right time to try

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 02:59

Why would it be worse for them?!

They have all lost a father, there is no hierarchy in grieving, no child has more right to a father than another.

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 03:40

Of course it could be worse for them, I would be far more upset at the loss of a family member I knew well and had grown up with, than one I never remembered meeting. Don’t be naive. I’m not saying it would not be upsetting for her, but moreso to a child who knew him and he raised, if this is the case

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 03:46

How about it being far more upsetting to lose a father that you had wanted to know but didnt want you? How about attending the funeral of the father who adored his later children but not you? How about finding out that he could have cared about you but didnt? How about being the child who dreamed of what their father was like and creating a fantasy that is torn down by reality?

Dont put your own issues onto this. And before you accuse me of it, this has never been an issue in my life but I have empathy not naivety.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 03:47

As I said, there is no hierarchy in grief.

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 03:53

Actually I do know, I would grieve my own step father should he pass. My own father, it would be sad but I really don’t know him, he is just a man. You can’t expect the loss of someone with such a close emotional bond to be close to a purely biological one with someone you don’t know. Like I said I imagine it will will very hard for her daughter, however if the other children grew up with him it will be harder

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 03:58

As I said, dont put your own issues on to this.

You would grieve your SF more than your BioF, presumably that is because your relationship with your step father gave you everything you needed so you would feel no loss if your BioF died. Why do you think that the OP's daughter should do the same? ARe you assuming that her relationship with her BioF is the same as yours? That she has a SF to love as you do?

Monty27 · 28/03/2019 04:00

Who did she ask about the ashes
Is she known to the rest of the family?

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 04:02

@PyongyangKipperbang this isn’t about you or me, you seem to feel the need to disagree on most threads. For OPs daughter the lost of her father will be hard, she needs to come to a relationship with her siblings. If they don’t know her then going in heavy requesting ashes now may ruin this. He’s gone, they aren’t, I would advise baby steps

Birdie6 · 28/03/2019 04:02

It could be horrible for her, if he is spoken about as a wonderful family man and devoted father to ( the other children). And awful for her to stand there and realise "this is it - there is now no chance that he will ever want to meet you / get to know you":"" If she wants to go, she'd certainly need some support.

The ashes thing could be difficult, since that won't happen for a while. I think I got my mother's ashes about a month after she was cremated, it's not like it happens straight away. So your DD would have to find out 1) Is someone going to have the ashes ( not everyone bothers to pick them up ), 2) Who is that person ? She'd then have to approach them and ask for some of the ashes . Personally I'd be advising her not to go down that path at all.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 04:16

you seem to feel the need to disagree on most threads

:o I really dont you know, I just do not join in with the mob mentality that has sadly become prevelant on here in recent years. Ask around.

she needs to come to a relationship with her siblings

Why? Maybe she doesnt want to and who says that she should?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 04:19

And actually, what exactly is the problem with me disagreeing on most threads?

I have a mind, and therefore opinions, of my own. Are you suggesting I should simply agree with the majority because almost everyone else does?

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 04:21

@PyongyangKipperbang I don’t want this to become about me and you debating, instead of about the OP

I was making an assumption she might want to in the future get to know her siblings should she wish to. I don’t even know from the original post whether these children knew their dad. It mentions multiple children and partners. I was only advising that going to a grieveing family demanding ashes may not help these future potential relationships

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 04:26

I agree that she may well want to know her siblings in future and should consider that in how she approaches them now. But thats not what you said is it?

You said that his acknowledged children's grief will be worse than hers, it's that that I disagree with.

This will be a distressing time for the children who grew up with him, as hard as it is for her will be worse for them

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 04:31

And I stand by that, that is my opinion, that it will be harder for any children who grew up with him as their dad day to day

Why do you want to keep arguing with me, I won’t change my opinion to suit you

People are allowed to have differing opinions and I’m all for debating but not at the risk of completely taking over another persons thread

Original poster

Getaldine1210 · 28/03/2019 04:37

Sadly, he was only sporadically in the lives of any of his children.
I will be going with her.
She is utterly devastated. She had hoped that at some point she and her two children would meet up with him.
She finds it very sad that knowing he was dying, he didn't reach out to all his children.
There are eight children. It is almost like overlapping Venn diagrams. A,b and c from one mother. They had some contact in the early years with g, but none as she grew up.
D and his mum were with my daughter's father until D was six weeks old and then never saw him again. I doubt D will know about the death.
E and F are of the same mother. They had and have slight contact G. I think their mum was the fall back/pipe and slippers option and will be the one who organised the funeral.
G knew E and F and A slightly.
Etc etc.
It was the next youngest to my daughter posting in Facebook, that alerted my daughter.
I suspect it will be a small afair. My daughter is hoping that May be they can all get to know one another. I think she will be disappointed in this respect.
It is all very sad for all his children.
I do not understand why a man would not want to be involved with any of his grandchildren

OP posts:

Boredgiraffes · 28/03/2019 04:43

She is lucky she has you, maybe she can get to know her siblings a little as she hopes. Once this has passed she may want to consider some counselling though for the abandonment and grief she is feeling from his death though. Best wishes

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2019 04:45

Well at least you can tell her that she is no more likely to be turned away than anyone else.

I can't get my head around these multiple multipliers either. 8 kids and it sounds like not one of them had a meaningful relationship with him.

Do you think she would have bereavment counselling? Coming to terms with him not being the father she needed, and he should have been, is important for her.

outpinked · 28/03/2019 11:20

I don’t understand men like this either. I’m sure women like this exist too but a lot rarer because their bodies have to gestate and birth the babies so it’s not so easy to just walk away from multiple children. I can’t abide or fathom why men do this. Your poor DD and his other seven children too...

She should definitely consider counselling but otherwise is lucky to have a caring Mother. Hopefully she can form a relationship with her half siblings if nothing else.

NotTheFordType · 28/03/2019 12:30

Legally you cannot be barred from attending a funeral. However you could of course be asked to leave. I would have a think about how to respond if that happens.

Flip

1 2