Husband had an affair

[Soconfused19]

Hi,
I've been with my husband for 19 years, married 14. I found out he was having an affair with a much younger girl from work.
I kicked him out that night. We had the best relationship you could have asked for. Done so much together, had a fantastic sexual relationship and so may plans for the future and this year alone so obviously I'm totally devastated. 3 days after I found out he begged for forgiveness and said he'd beg everyday for the rest of his life, that he'd earn my trust that he'd do absolutely anything and could we go to Councilling. I met him that night to talk and more lies. That was it, he turned full circle after that night and he hasn't asked once since. I knew he was back in contact with your one then and he wanted nothing to do with me. Won't answer my questions or texts unless it's about the kids. I asked him was our 19 years worth nothing to him that he won't fight for it and he said I don't think I'll ever forgive him and I'll just keep throwing it back in his face. I asked him is he throwing it all away for her and he didn't answer, he said they're texting and he won't be able to stop but doesn't think he wants a relationship with her. I said she'll be leaving the country soon anyway and will it be all worth it. I don't want him back I know that but I would like answers. And why is he so angry with me when I done nothing wrong. I can't understand why he'd throw away what we had when it was so special for a fling. Before I found out he was telling me how much he loved me and he couldnt live without me

He's angry with you because you didn't crumble beg and weep as bonkers as that may sound.

Some of these men are absolutely pathetic. They have everything they could even ask for and ruin it for the sake of some mid life crisis ego boost, what a disgrace.

Don't bother engaging unlese it's essential child related matters....and implement the 180. Adjust in relation to your situation.

www.healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

He’s angry because you found out and you’re not doing the ‘pick me’ dance. Suddenly his little sordid life is crumbling and it wasn’t what he expected.

SandyY2K 180 is great advice. You need to turn your behaviour around to match hours and better beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

*his

Stay strong and don’t message him anything other than stuff about the kids. Rant on here instead. You deserve better than him and his grubby lies.

Oh you poor thing. I found out I'd been cheated on in the new year. It was horrible.
I did the 180 thing but I actually think it's not that healthy- there's a lot of masking your feelings there, and trying to project a certain image instead of facing the future with honesty. I regret trying so hard to seem calm and fine in front of my DP. It's been harmful in the long term.

This was me 3 years ago. Isn’t a polish girl by any chance is it? My husband span me that line “she’ll be leaving the country soon” what a crock of shit. Reading your post brings it all back. Thinking of you xxx

He's being a twat because he thought you'd beg him to come back with open arms when ow didn't work out. He make promises and begged because he thought you'd forgive him on the spot and be so grateful you'd never make him actually work for it. Ffs he expected you are to accept he WON'T be able to stop texting ow! Did he expect you to say 'that's okay, I'm so happy to win the prize that is you I'll accept any old shite just to have you back'??

After talking he realised that returning won't be the easy ride with a pathetically grateful wife doing the pick me dance that he thought. So he's decided it's too much hard work for him.

Your answer is that he's a selfish fuck who thought he was such a prize he could walk in and out of both you and ow's lives and you both be too grateful to pull him up on it! He's all words and NO actions that aren't for his own benefit.

Get angry! Get furious! Get your fucking rage on! Grey rock will drive him nuts, cos his ego is off the scale! He's make his bed with ow, let him fucking lie in it.

@TheShiteRunner
I have said everything I've needed to say through texts, face to face and on the phone but get no reply or lies. I even wrote him a letter whether he read it or not I don't know, so maybe it is best now that I ignore him. I don't know. I just want to keep shouting and get answers but I never will

He is angry at you for not instantly forgiving him like a doormat because he's an entitled sod. He felt he had the right to cheat and he feels he has the right to be forgiven for it because clearly, only his feelings matter to him.

why is he so angry with me when I done nothing wrong? to make you wonder exactly this! To make you wonder if you are somehow to blame for his general shittyness.

And I hate to tell you this but - need for closure/answers often only tends to lead to more shit. He will likely use that to dangle you on a string or triangulate you with this other woman. There are no answers for what he has done, he did it because he wanted to and he could and he doesn't care about you or how that makes you feel. THATS why he did it, that's your answer. Make your own closure by getting him the feck out of your life.

she'll be leaving the country soon anyway and will it be all worth it umm what? So basically he is saying he expects that he will have had his fun with her and then when she leaves you will take him back.

Don't think of these past 20 years as a lie, only that you had some good times and now it's time to move on and go your separate paths because he isn't good for you anymore, he's become toxic.

@AdviceNeeded3282 no she's not. She told me that herself that she has put in a relocation to Aisa. She's only a graduate student and she was in Leeds before here (Ireland) probably caused the same havoc there too because she had the balls to have coffee with me after sleeping with my husband while I hadn't a clue and she knew he was married but that's not excusing him

He wants you to do the pick me dance, I think. You should never have to ask him to choose you; you deserve to be his only choice, ever.

I wish someone had shared this poem with me. I know it's a little long, but I hope you read it. Whoever wrote it knew exactly how this feels.

"If there ever comes a time when someone else catches your attention, captures the heart that I’ve been trying to take care of for so long, please do not choose me. If the time ever comes when you think that I am not enough and you want more, please do not choose me.

Do not choose me just because you know you are safe with me. Yes, there is no doubt that I will never hurt you, but what about me?
Who will save me if I catch you staring into thin air, wishing it is her you are with? Who will save me if I catch you texting her while I’m sitting right beside you? Who will save me if you call her name instead of mine? Who will save me if you love her more than you love me?
Do not choose me just because we’ve been together for God knows how long. If we are together and after all that time you are still not sure I am the one, then please do not try and make me the one.

Do not choose me just because you feel guilty. You should, so please just leave. Do not choose me because you know I deserve more. Let me have the chance to meet someone who will never have to choose.

Do not feel guilty if I loved you more than you deserve, it’s my choice. So, please, just go, pack your bags, and close the door. I don’t want to be with someone who’s never sure if I’m the one he wants to be with.

Do not choose me just because you’re afraid that it might not work out. Or, that I might find someone better than you. Or, that she might never love you the way I do.

Do not choose me, choose her.

Because if you really loved me, I would not be one of the choices. Not A, not B, not C. I will be the final answer.

But if that’s not the case, I will not fight against it. I’d gladly give you up.

Do not choose me, not because it’s easy for me to no longer love you. Do not choose me, not because I don’t have enough confidence.

Do not choose me, not because I can’t fight for you. I don’t want to fight against someone else for you, someone who, in the end, you will somehow choose.

Do not choose me just because I chose you. If you really love me, it will always be me. Just me. No other reason, no other explanation.
So, please, if there is someone who will come between us, do not bother to think.

Just choose her. "

thoughtcatalog.com/krizzia-paolyn/2017/09/if-you-ever-have-to-choose-between-me-and-someone-else-please-do-not-pick-me/

I am sorry that you are going through this pain.

He is a supremely selfish man who feels entitled to lie and cheat to pursue an illicit ego boost/sex. He actually believed that you so adored him that you would dance to his tune no matter how contemptuously he treated you. You didn’t, so he is angry and is punishing you.

I agree with others that you should ignore him except for child related issues. He knows your position. I wouldn’t feed his ego. He wants you to be frantic for answers, but anything he says will be lies and manipulation. The truth is he cheated because he could, and the opportunity presented itself. He doesn’t care that he betrayed and treated you like a fool. He enjoyed living his double life.

You would benefit from the support of individual counseling as you move through the stages of grief on your way to healing.

Stop asking him for answers, you're not going to get them. He's a cretin OP.

Hi, so sorry to hear about your husband. I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. Husband had been seeing a girl from work - they went out 4 times, kissed but he claims they didn't have sex. Although he's admitted to ongoing sexual texts and phone sex with her!! We have three kids 2, 4 and 6 and I have no clue what to do. I'm heartbroken and even though he tells me it's over I can't stop thinking about the lies and cover ups- also that he sees her everyday at work. It's like a knife in the heart. I'm all over the place. Sometimes I think I'm over reacting as it wasn't as big as some affairs but I believe that is only because I found out - if I hadn't it would still be going on. He constantly backs her up and defends her but I just want to deck the girl. What would you do?

DO NOT DO THE 180. Here’s why: www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/

Instead follow Chumplady
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

www.chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

you describe ur relationship before his affair in such a positive way, but a common theme is that often you don’t realise how unhappy ur partner is.

ur relationship before he cheated can’t hve her that great for him as it was for you

@lovinglifexo People cheat because they want to. Because they can. Because they think they are entitled. Because they fancied something new.

He's trying to place blame on you because he's a small, small man who can't accept that he did an awful thing that is entirely his fault and thought he could beg you and you would crumble and let him back in. He's shown his true colours.

people also cheat if they are in a unhappy relationship; nobody cheats if they are satisfied with their relationship.

Are you in Ireland op

@lovinglifexo That rhetoric is just a way of blameshifting and gaslighting the person who has been cheated on. Plenty of people cheat despite being satisfied in their relationships. It’s called narcissism.

Some people are happy and very selfish. @lovinglifeyolo

Also some people just aren't very self aware. They meet someone new at work and have a crush and start to think 'oh wow this is it, my big romance, I must not love my wife' they are idiots. Of course someone like that can't measure up to the person you're married to and may have been with for years.

Most people do this at work, at work you only see the best side of someone and in an affair all the moments are exciting and stolen. No talk of potatoes, dishes or toilet roll. They also meet someone new or have a crush and start putting all their mental energy into that therefore it becomes s self fulfilling thing and their relationship will suffer.

The partner who is unawares will notice a 'temperature drop' in the relationship and react but no knowing what they are reacting to. This then justifies the cheats 'big romance' even more.

Obviously there are other factors but most cheaters are either quite foolish and believe in 'big firework romances' out of films or just selfish arses that think they won't get caught and are entitles people with little empathy.