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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No intimacy

28 replies

isthisnormal27 · 27/03/2019 15:53

First time post looking for advice.

Me and my partner are in our mid to late twenties have been together for over 5 years. We get on well and rarely if ever argue, he is a supportive partner and definitely puts himself out to make me happy. Is kind, caring, generous, understanding etc. But it feels like we are more like good friends/house mates than partners. There is hardly any intimacy, sex happens a few times a year and no sex yet this year! We rarely kiss other than a peck goodbye. No flirty behavior, we do cuddle but that's about it.

It is slowly eating away at my confidence, I feel like he doesn't find me attractive, he says he does. I'm a petite size 8, haven't changed since we met. He never compliments me on looking nice, he says because he thinks I always look nice.

I don't understand how he can be happy with the lack of intimacy. He's never been much of a talker or one for showing his emotions, that's part of his personality. We have often talked about engagement, marriage, children. So it's not like he doesn't see this a long term thing. We also bought a house together and at the time I asked him if that's what he really wanted and he was really committed, happy in the relationship.

I doubt very much he's having an affair he works full time and if he's not at work or doing hobby he's at home. Happily leaves phone around, no password and if I need to use if not got mine he'll happily chuck it over for me to use.

When I've brought it up in conversation he says it's normal in long term relationships but is it? Admittedly I haven't started initiating things with him maybe I need to but it's been like this for that long it almost feels awkward now. Does anyone have any advice, experience on this? I'm in my twenties and he was my first proper serious boyfriend when I was still a teenager. I don't know if this is normal in a long term relationship once honeymoon period is over or should it be different? It's leaving me feeling unloved and not attractive. I'm worried the relationship is dead and we have a house/mortgage and have built a life together.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 27/03/2019 15:55

Mine was the same.
Shagging colleagues, it turns out.
Fake meetings, lunches, work trips.
I think he probably used annual leave and pretended to go to work too, he never seemed to have any annual leave available at the end.

Original poster

isthisnormal27 · 27/03/2019 16:04

I'd put money on him not. Only 2 other colleagues both male and definitely not gay. He's a very black and white person, if he wasn't happy I do feel like he'd say. He calls me every morning on the way to work, when he finishes, regularly checks in throughout the day. On the outside it looks like a perfect relationship and we do have really good times but in a mates type of way if that makes sense. He just doesn't seem bothered about the lack of intimacy. He is very loving and caring in other ways.

OP posts:

stofi · 27/03/2019 16:11

It sounds normal for a man in his seventies, not for a man in his twenties.

It won't suddenly change, but I think you already know that. You're far to young to settle for a nice flatmate, you're going to have to bite the bullet I'm afraid, but I think you already know that too.

Original poster

isthisnormal27 · 27/03/2019 16:12

@stofi bite the bullet as in leave? I don't think I'd find someone as nice, caring as he is which is a real shame. It's like this is the missing piece.

OP posts:

Treaclesweet · 27/03/2019 16:14

Have you spoken to him about how it upsets you?

Sex is important to me and I couldn't have a relationship without it, but it isn't like that for everyone.

Original poster

isthisnormal27 · 27/03/2019 16:19

Kind of, I do find it hard to bring up. He does make more of an effort for a bit but then this fades. I have considered mentioning he sees GP.

OP posts:

stofi · 27/03/2019 16:21

127, I'm a fair bit older than you, when I look back on the years with my husband it would look a bit empty without the passion we've shared.

It's the gel that holds couples together. Not if you both feel the same way of course, but that's not the case for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2019 16:22

This lack of intimacy will end up destroying you. You will get to the point of being so despondent and miserable you won't be able to see your way through it. Just because he's nice and you love him doesn't mean you should stay with him. Please don't throw any more of your youth away on a man who refuses to satisfy you.

stofi · 27/03/2019 16:23

127 a man making an effort for your sake is soul destroying.

Nowordsleft · 27/03/2019 16:28

Does he just have a low sex drive? What was he like in the early days? So many threads on here where male partners have a low libido.

Original poster

isthisnormal27 · 27/03/2019 16:32

@Nowordsleft possibly maybe just a low sex drive yes. it was never great but a lot better than now. I think he may have low body confidence too and I have also had some issues in the past where sex has been painful. He's a really caring person and I'm wondering if these things together have put him off and now it's become the norm?

OP posts:

Crunched · 27/03/2019 16:38

Sex ebbs and flows in relationships but, IMO, it should not be at such a
low ebb at this stage in your relationship.
I saw a recent (U.S.) survey that concluded in around 30% of long term heterosexual relationships, the man has the lower sex drive and this seems to be the case here, particularly as you are as sure as you can be that he isn’t getting sexual fulfilment elsewhere.
Some couples are suited to a relationship with little or no sex but it sounds like it would be a dealbreaker for you as it would for most of us.

Original poster

isthisnormal27 · 27/03/2019 16:42

I'm 99.9% sure not getting it anywhere else.

He is very laid back person in general not very passionate about anything really so maybe it's just his personality. I'm not sure.

I don't know if I could leave, I feel like I'd be lost without him

OP posts:

juliamartin · 27/03/2019 16:53

I used to struggle with this for years - I always wondered if I was doing it "wrong" or if I should continue chasing him, or if he should be chasing me...then a friend of mine introduced me to a different approach which completely change my view.

strongestrelationship.wordpress.com

Check it out - it made a huge difference for me and my friends, and there's tons of information on the site, even if you don't want to do anything other than read!

WasFatNowThin · 27/03/2019 16:55

My marriage had no intimacy, I ended up having an affair (NOT advised, I was close to having a nervous breakdown because of it). It made me realise that I needed intimacy in a relationship and I left my ex.

If you're not matched in intimacy, you'll struggle to carry on with your relationship, it will always be a problem, and it will be even harder to leave the longer you carry on like this.

You need to sit down and lay the cards on the table and see if he'll step up, or let you go.

stofi · 27/03/2019 17:05

In your shoes I wouldn't rush into marriage or children OP, because that 'hook' that gives you a reason to leave will probably be another man.

shinyshit · 27/03/2019 18:23

So many of these posts recently with men in their 20s having no interest in sex. He's getting it somewhere op and I'd be looking closely at his porn usage, if he's not having an affair.

stofi · 27/03/2019 18:26

I don't think he's getting it from somewhere else, I don't think he needs it.

sweethoney111 · 27/03/2019 20:59

Intimacy is very important in a relationship but I really think you should be having this conversation with him and not here (as I’ve noticed people are so quick to tell others to leave OH).

Communication is key to every relationship and you should be able to express this to him without feeling like it’s wrong to do so. A lot of relationships go trough this, people just stop “dating” each other. In the begging everything is more exciting because we actually make an effort in the relationship and everything is still exciting.

You really need to have an open conversation with him abit this and both plan to make an effort to improve things. Make things exciting again and both take responsibility for the intimacy in your relationship, he could be thinking the same thing about you.

You’ll get it sorted I’m sure

beenwhereyouare · 27/03/2019 22:29

normal,

I'm sorry. That has to be painful. People tend to show love to others the way they want to be loved. Which of course only works when you're on the same page.

My husband's therapist suggested reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We took the online quiz www.5lovelanguages.com and it was very enlightening. The self-quiz and talking about the results was less confrontational than telling my husband "you must not love me because you never..." Discussing everything helped me see that he was thought he was showing me love by all the little things he did for me and the things he said (taking care of me). Whereas for me, the things that make me feel loved are physical touch and spending quality time together. (Intimacy)

Not a perfect solution but it helped. If I tell him I want to spend time together, it reminds him I'm feeling a little unloved. And when he reminds me he's down to his last clean pair of socks, I know he's feeling the same.

Good luck; passion is SO important, but so is someone who treats you with respect.

Sausagemash · 27/03/2019 22:40

I could have wrote this same post 15 years ago. I stayed because like you I felt he was perfect in every other way.
However now after years of little or no intimacy we've recently split up. I've got some work to do to build up my self esteem again.
My DH wasn't having affairs and people are quick to assume this. It crossed my mind he was gay but hasn't admitted it to himself yet. Either way I now finally know what can make me happy and I definitely needed more than he could give.
I had counselling about it all, what she did say was ' what would you say to your best friend if she told you she'd had the same problem'..this clarified a lot to me as I knew I'd tell her to leave

LaughingCow99 · 28/03/2019 05:39

Not every man is getting it somewhere else. Could be porn, could be stress, could be a medical reason.

Op, you need to talk to him. You really need to express how you feel and see if he is willing to do something to improve things. If he isn't, the decision is yours to live a sexless life with him or leave.

MarieG10 · 28/03/2019 05:52

Whatever the reason, I can guarantee it will continue eating away at you like it is doing now. Your self esteem will hit rock bottom and eventually most relationships will not survive it. A relationship is different to a friendship because you are intimate and that means having a meaningful sex life. Not having one doesn't mean immediate relationship breakdown but does long term.

Please talk to him and be clear he has to be honest as to the problem and I'm sorry but be prepared to separate. Better now before marriage and/or kids come along...although sounds like it would be difficult to even conceive how things are currently.

Best of luck

dangerrabbit · 28/03/2019 05:56

Does he use a lot of porn?

Sorry you are going through this

Hellywelly10 · 28/03/2019 06:25

Tell your partner how you feel op.

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