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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a mess!!

27 replies

messylaw · 27/03/2019 10:14

I'll try not to drip feed but not be too long.

I work in a niche area of my business - just me and my boss as senior staff supported by juniors. We have worked in same firm for 12 years and closely together for 6. We have always been very close - everyone has always commented that we are joined at the hip. We travel away together a lot and this is where the problem has arisen.
On a recent trip there was a mess up with hotel rooms - only 1 had been booked (my secretaries fault). We were exhausted after travelling so agreed to share a room - big mistake. The inevitable happened and this physical contact made me fall instantly in love (bear in mind we have been very close for years)
However he had a partner of 3 years who he was very much in love with. The day after the night we spent together he agreed to finish his relationship so we could be together. Fast forward and he is obviously missing her terribly. If he goes back to her my heart will be broken and I'm not sure how we can continue to work. He has now applied for another job which he will get - I think this is probably how he sees getting out of our relationship. I can't imagine a future without him - he's part of who I am. How do I deal with this? I think about him constantly when I'm not with him. I absolutely adore him.

OP posts:

Lovethetimeyouhave · 27/03/2019 10:16

Well, all I can say is what horrible behaviour! From both of you! He clearly doesn't want an actual relationship

ToEarlyForDecorations · 27/03/2019 11:35

big mistake. The inevitable happened and this physical contact made me fall instantly in love

How old are you both ? Seventeen ?

So, there were no other hotels ? Neither of you had company expenses to buy accommodation elsewhere.

You mean, you were after this person for years. An all to convenient mix up regarding hotel rooms and you get the opportunity to jump into bed with each other and will be heartbroken if they go back to their partner of 3 years.

Is this for real ? Are you for real ?

adaline · 27/03/2019 11:39

rritchie44 · 27/03/2019 11:43

Yep, huge shame as you sounded like a good team. There's no going back from this, you're just going to have to move on.

Duchessgummybuns · 27/03/2019 11:43

The inevitable happened and this physical contact made me fall instantly in love

Must be one hell of a D, OP

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 27/03/2019 11:47

If he has to choose and he doesn’t choose you, bollocks to him. Fingers crossed he gets the new job and you’ll be well rid.

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2019 11:53

Well gosh this is all a bit melodramatic. So you shagged your boss, fell immediately in love, he binned his partner, and now wants to go back to her and change job to get away from uou?

Do you think maybe your obsession is what's driving him away? It's all too intense?

ALannisterInDebt · 27/03/2019 11:58

I think you were probably always in love with him, he knew it and respected you as a colleague and friend so thought he'd give it a shot. But it hasn't worked out because he is still in love with his ex and he's realised he's made a mistake so he's decided to break ties with you firstly by getting a new job.

You need to move on, possible get a new job yourself, get some counselling make new friends, there is life after him.

madcatladyforever · 27/03/2019 12:05

It sounds to me like you are in the first flush of love, a phase that simply does not last as it's purely hormone driven.
When the rosy contact lenses fall out eventually you will see things differently.
In the meantime you will just have to wait for the dust to settle, it's painful and horrible but it will pass.
He has made his intentions quite clear and didn't choose you, has applied for another job and is going to leave so think about that until you start feeling better.
I felt exactly the same about my last husband, love at first sight, crazy in love, now I look at him and think WTF! We're divorced.

MsDogLady · 27/03/2019 15:18

The inevitable happened and this physical contact made me fall instantly in love. ...he’s part of who I am.

Inevitable? You two adults had the choice to keep the boundary in place.

You have obviously been in love with him for years. He knew.

Why would you want to be with a man who is constantly thinking of another woman? How degrading.

If she is smart, she will not return to this cheater who tossed her aside for sex.

You should get another job, as this office will be one huge grief-trigger for you. You would greatly benefit from counseling to help you move on.

baileys6904 · 27/03/2019 15:40

You were exhausted enough to share a room but not enough to avoid shagging your boss who u knew had a partner?

He AGREED to leave her? So you told him to and he went along with it?

You took your chance and karma bit you on the ass.

AgentJohnson · 27/03/2019 17:33

You were exhausted enough to share a room but not enough to avoid shagging your boss who u knew had a partner?

😁

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 18:04

What the actual fuck!

I am friends with the man who was my boss. We have shared a bed at a party at his house. We were both single at the time. I managed to not shag him.

We are very close. He lives in Dublin now and we talk everyday. We both spent an hour talking on our commutes this morning.

My now DP and his now DP are aware and we all meet up. If I didn't have kids I would have followed him to Dublin. I wouldn't now am with DP.

In 8 years I have managed to not shag him on numerous occasions.

You reap what you sow. He will get a new job and end the relationship.

You both ruined what you had.

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 18:05

You have obviously been in love with him for years. He knew

Eh?

Romax · 27/03/2019 18:06

You adore him

He doesn’t adore you

Simple really

NameChangeNugget · 27/03/2019 18:20

Do you work for Mills & Boon?

Utter bollocks 2/10

Lefty1 · 27/03/2019 23:30

TooOldForThis67 · 28/03/2019 13:11

It was a mistake, more on his part for cheating on his partner. The best thing to do will be for him to get another job. It's very sad as it's ruined your good working relationship.
Shit happens. I feel sorry for you, I really do, but you must move on from this and accept it's over. Get yourself a new love interest, someone who is free - the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one!

NotTheFordType · 28/03/2019 17:21

Inevitable. LOL

So "Do you have a twin room" wasn't asked at any point? Or even "Oh I'm sorry it should have been two rooms, do you have another and I'll put it on my credit card"?

I remember the last civvy company I worked for, we all rocked up in Wales for a bi-monthly meeting/jolly and one of the heads of site had forgotten to book rooms for all 6 of his attendees. Funnily enough they didn't end up having an orgy and falling "instantly in love".

OK. You can't fall instantly in love. What you've got there is an infatuation and the fanny gallops.

It's pretty clear he's not interested, probably wants to get back with his partner, and is literally changing jobs to get away from you. Hurtful, I know.

Did you use a condom? If not, get tested.

Tell him that on reflection, you realise what happened was totally inappropriate between professional colleagues, especially as his direct report. From now on let's just keep it totally work related. You value him as a friend and mentor but that's all it should be.

Keep your dignity at work, have a bloody good cry at home, hopefully with a sympathetic friend who has a supply of chocolates and wine.

When/if he leaves your company, be determined not to keep in touch. Go NC. Use the non contact threads on here for support.

Good luck OP. I know it's really hard right now. Cut your losses and don't lose your dignity doing the "pick me" dance.

something2say · 28/03/2019 17:36

I'm not going to be hard on you xxx

The intimacy of working closely went somewhere it shouldn't have, but as often happens, it wasn't clean.

My advice would be...
Give him up
Think about your own future
Think about what you guys did
Don't date for a while, chill and mind yourself
Then, consider your own career. To stay or go afresh

HappyLife21 · 28/03/2019 17:48

For some reason it’s the sentence my secretaries fault that gives it away don’t know why.

Duchessgummybuns · 28/03/2019 21:06

@HappyLife21

Because there are hundreds of Mills & Boon with this plot device, perhaps?

IvanaPee · 28/03/2019 21:08

Aye, ok.

HappyLife21 · 28/03/2019 23:06

Who even has a secretary these days? I thought they were called PAs.

Potatonose · 28/03/2019 23:15

'made me instantly fall in love' sorry but what

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