Betrayed and absolutely no idea where to go from here.

[Tyffy]

A bit of background. I'm 33 been together 10 years married 3. 2 children age 7 and 6. 1 dog. We own a business together.
6 months ago we had gone out with a group of friends to a charity race night. After obvs quite drunk we had gone back to our friends house for drinks. The husband of the couple soon fell asleep leaving the 3 of us. My husband asked for ice and my friend took him to the kitchen to get some. I soon followed to get some myself and caught them kissing. It was a passionate kiss not just a peck. I was mortified and left immediately. My husband followed me we had a blazing argument in the street.🙈 After a lot of grovelling by both of them I decided I would forgive them both and we started hanging out with the families together again. I had been asked to keep it to myself so no one else knew. So I told no one at all no family no other friends nothing just the 3 of us knew about it.
Everything was good we spent weekends at our holiday home with the families together again and spent a lot of time with the couple again.
Until 2 weeks ago it was my husband's birthday and a number of couples had gone out together, again we went back to our friends house for drinks. Even though I had told my husband I wasn't comfortable with it after past experiences. He kept pushing me in front of everyone else to agree to go. I agreed so we went.
The 4 of us were having a really good giggle until I caught my husband and my friend playing footsie under the table they had their feet interlocked and she was running her toes up and down the back of his leg. It made me feel sick I quietly stood up gathered my things and left immediately I started to make my way home. Apparently an argument had occurred back at the house and everything else came out to the husband.
I was completely in aware of any of this. When my husband got home he slept on the sofa. In the morning he had claimed I was being irrational and that nothing was even happening.
I received a text from my so called friend about 5 days later saying. I think it's best with everything that had happened that the husband's arnt near each other right now.
It was totally out of the blue I hadn't seen or text her so I asked why she sent it.
Stories of flirty texting and meetings were to follow. Even so much so that on the night of my husband's birthday and a number of texts had been sent between the two of them while we were all out. Asking for "birthday pics?" Was amongst them.
I'm absolutely gutted about all of it. My husband and so called friend.
After pressuring him it took 3 days for him to admit any if it and again after that it only came out but by bit and each time he promised there was nothing else. So obviously I don't trust anything he says now.
The other couple are still together and she took a polygraph test a few days ago as it obviously has been just as much a shock to her husband.
I have been sent the results etc and I have seen the statement she read before the test it included details about the kids
Stating it was just a peck and he kissed her and she hasn't retaliated. It also states that my husband had pursued her and she hasn't given him reason to or led him on in anyway. The test came back with no deception detected.
I know it all sounds like as JK episode.
I'm struggling because I know the kids didn't happen like that I know it was passionate and she was kissing him as much as he was kissing her. I'm not trying to say my husband isn't to blame at all. But it makes me think she's passed the test and that was a lie so has something more happened that she was able to fool to test about too.
It was a private test she hasn't been on JK incase you were all wondering 🤣.
But if she is telling the truth it was all him and not her what does that say about him? Us? Me?
I have told no one and have no idea if she had I'm paranoid with mutual friends incase they know and are judging me. Also don't want anyone to think bad of him. Mental I know. I feel so alone I'm trying to hold it all together for the kids they adore their dad and can't upset them over it all. But I can't stand it he touches me and I feel angry and disgusted he is carry on as if nothing has happened and I just was to scream at him. I feel like I'm going crazy. HELP xxx ps sorry for the rant and the novel. I just need to tell someone about it all.

LTB

I’m really sorry to hear this, but yes a cheating, lying ass and isn’t even remorseful!
Why would you stay with him? A lifetime of waiting for the next time?

At the very least I’d be asking him to leave for a few weeks so you can gather your thoughts.

Theres a few bits that I’d struggle to get over, firstly how they carried on after the kiss. It obviously wasn’t just a kiss, they’ve been seeing each other and he’s been lying to you for a while. Secondly, he hasn’t admitted to anything you don’t already know, you had to force it out of him and each time he swore there was no more to come, but he lied. Chances are they’ve done a lot more, trouble is he won’t admit it and you can’t prove it.

His capacity for deceit is huge, I don’t think I could remain married to someone who had so little respect for me or my family

Kick him out.

He's not even sorry. He wanted his fun and loved the thrill, doesn't even care that you're hurt. Why would you give him the time of day? Horribly scary I know but I don't think you can be happy in this relationship again, I know I couldn't.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like they have tried to isolate you in order to keep their secret. People always say 'leave him' but when your married and you have children it's never that easy. You need to talk to someone, do you have a friend who is not in that social circle? Even better get yourself some counselling. There could be a rough road ahead what ever you decide so you need to look after yourself and that starts with not bottling up all of your emotions. Sending you a big hug xx

Honestly I wouldn't need a polygraph. The minute my husband played footsie with another woman in my presence he would have been calmly. Shown the door. The disrespect is staggering.

It also states that my husband had pursued her and she hasn't given him reason to or led him on in anyway.

That is a total load of bollocks. Polygraphs can be easily fooled. No way was it all him. Do you honestly think that if a friends spouse kissed you unexpectedly you just let it happen and not immediately push them away?

You know he is a lying toad.

LTB - even after you caught him he carried on? That was not a one off accident and the fact that they were playing footsie under the table while you were right there shows he was enjoying doing it right under your nose too. He isn't even remorseful, you have nothing to gain from staying in this relationship OP and you deserve much more out of life than this. Ditch your so-called 'friend' too, she is not your friend no matter what she says now.

She has taken the polygraph to convince her husband that there was nothing in it , to save her self . you dont need to concern youself with this

.Your main focus should be that your husband has cheated on you ,( and you know she willing participent ) . She isnt a friend walk away from her and unless you want to keep this to yourself , let all in your freindship circle know what happened before your 'friend' convinces them she was conpletely innocent

Yep, because he was totally forcing her to run her foot up and down his leg...

Sorry this is happening to you OP. It's irrelevant who was in the driving seat. They were both in the car and on the same journey to the same destination. They are both deceitful bastards and I would cut both out my life. You will never be able to trust him again. Your friend and in the same room FFS! It really doesn't get much more disrespectful than that.

Definitely LTB but if her DUH is stupid enough to believe her bullshit then that's on him.

A friend of mine tried it on with my boyfriend and I heard him say to her wtf are you doing, I love my girlfriend.

She was drunk, no excuse. She fell and broke her neck a couple of months later.

I don't really understand why it matters if it was all him or mutual? What difference does it make. He was still basically involved with her physically and romantically.

I’d never be able to trust him again. I wouldn’t fancy a lifetime of following him to the kitchen of other people’s houses to make sure he’s not kissing them. He has no respect for you and will only continue to do what you let him get away with. I’m so sorry you’ve been put through this x

Thank you all basically I know I can't carry on. But the thought of breaking it all up sends me into anxiety attacks. My whole life involves him my career my business my kids my house the holiday home the lot I don't want to loose any of it but can't keep any of it if were apart. Plus I don't even know where to begin. His mother will stand by her blue eyed boy and make sure I lose it all. I know this as she's just done the same to my ex sister in law. I am totally trapped. I have an Auntie who is like my mum and would die for me but she doesn't have the connections money and power his family does. Also despite how he treats me he really is a fantastic dad. It would kill them and I don't want them to know it all. I have always been of the mind set of all these replies but when it's on your doorstep it's so different.

Tyffy, your husband doesn't love you. He is actively cheating and even when you caught him, he still kept doing it.

All the material goods you have can't add up to your own self worth. You know you need to get away from him. While you are still married, his money is your money. Use it to find the best damn lawyer you can and you get the best divorce settlement that you can.

Your so called friend is an accomplished liar. Polygraph tests aren't reliable and they can be tricked. Her husband has blinkers on and this will come back to bite him in the arse soon as cheats don't stop cheating!

Don't protect her or them. Tell your friends and family that they cheated. You don't have to spare anyone else's feelings or reputation. You are the wronged party.

Your husband has no intention of being faithful or dedicated to you. Even if this affair dies down, he will do it again with someone else and your children will witness everything over and over. Spare them that.

Get your ducks in a row and find the nastiest shark of a solicitor you can ASAP.

My advice would be to pay for advice form a really good solicitor who can tell you where you stand with the business, house etc. At least that way you know what you'll be able to walk away with.

You need a SHL and to find your self respect....

You have a lie detector report saying your dh actively pursued....? Sounds like excellent evidence for court.

It doesn't matter what "power" his Mum has, she can't argue with the law. You are entitled to half of everything, and also half his Pension (and he yours).

My first husband did exactly what you describe. It's horrendous. I gave him every opportunity to change, but he just kept on doing it. After a while, I had suspicions that something was going on between him, and my very best friend who was going through a divorce.

He vehemently denied this. When he was occupied with something, I found his mobile switched off in a drawer, I powered it up and there were the text messages between them, confirming they'd had sex.

This was 4 years after the initial betrayal (well, me finding out). I left him. He was never going to change.

He cheated on his next long term GF. She left him. He's now cheating on his current GF (who he's been with for about 4 years). Leopard. Spots.

Also, (and I realise this sounds bad), but I was really pretty (getting on a bit now, ha ha), and the girls he cheated with were not. He was getting sex at home. I've no idea why he did it.

Anyway, I digress. I think you should leave him. And tell your "friends" husband exactly what you saw. The kiss, the footsie. Everything. What are you protecting her for?? Also if you have access to any texts or e-mails between them, forward them on.

I'm really shocked that you continued to be friends with her after the first kiss. Why?????

I never ever thought myself as a push over I am extremely strong and wilful when it comes to business. I never in a million years thought I'd have to deal with this. I don't see myself as a super model but I do look after myself. Hair make up clothes gym etc. And I feel I look better now than when we met. And again I thought our sex life was great. She's on the plump side pretty but always heavily fake tanned (usually 2 shades away from an umpa lumpa) I shouldn't be bitchy but I can't help it. After the kiss they both had the same story too much drink it didn't mean anything blah blah blah. I know your all eye rolling right now. And although I knew I'd never do it regardless of my state I really thought I meant more to both of them and it was a silly drunken mistake. I know I'm such a fool. Has anyone ever made it work after something like this.

He pursued your 'more than willing' friend, he is disgusting. Why would you trust a lie detector to decide what you already witnessed with your own eyes ?

forget the lifestyle, you need to leave this horrid man, who will continue to pursue your 'friend', who is loving every minute of this I bet.

Sorry OP

You need to leave him.

It's not just the betrayal and cheating but the utter lack of respect for you to do this when you are there. It's disgraceful. He doesn't deserve you. What a horrid human being. Same goes for your "friend"