Betrayed and absolutely no idea where to go from here.

[Tyffy]

A bit of background. I'm 33 been together 10 years married 3. 2 children age 7 and 6. 1 dog. We own a business together.
6 months ago we had gone out with a group of friends to a charity race night. After obvs quite drunk we had gone back to our friends house for drinks. The husband of the couple soon fell asleep leaving the 3 of us. My husband asked for ice and my friend took him to the kitchen to get some. I soon followed to get some myself and caught them kissing. It was a passionate kiss not just a peck. I was mortified and left immediately. My husband followed me we had a blazing argument in the street.🙈 After a lot of grovelling by both of them I decided I would forgive them both and we started hanging out with the families together again. I had been asked to keep it to myself so no one else knew. So I told no one at all no family no other friends nothing just the 3 of us knew about it.
Everything was good we spent weekends at our holiday home with the families together again and spent a lot of time with the couple again.
Until 2 weeks ago it was my husband's birthday and a number of couples had gone out together, again we went back to our friends house for drinks. Even though I had told my husband I wasn't comfortable with it after past experiences. He kept pushing me in front of everyone else to agree to go. I agreed so we went.
The 4 of us were having a really good giggle until I caught my husband and my friend playing footsie under the table they had their feet interlocked and she was running her toes up and down the back of his leg. It made me feel sick I quietly stood up gathered my things and left immediately I started to make my way home. Apparently an argument had occurred back at the house and everything else came out to the husband.
I was completely in aware of any of this. When my husband got home he slept on the sofa. In the morning he had claimed I was being irrational and that nothing was even happening.
I received a text from my so called friend about 5 days later saying. I think it's best with everything that had happened that the husband's arnt near each other right now.
It was totally out of the blue I hadn't seen or text her so I asked why she sent it.
Stories of flirty texting and meetings were to follow. Even so much so that on the night of my husband's birthday and a number of texts had been sent between the two of them while we were all out. Asking for "birthday pics?" Was amongst them.
I'm absolutely gutted about all of it. My husband and so called friend.
After pressuring him it took 3 days for him to admit any if it and again after that it only came out but by bit and each time he promised there was nothing else. So obviously I don't trust anything he says now.
The other couple are still together and she took a polygraph test a few days ago as it obviously has been just as much a shock to her husband.
I have been sent the results etc and I have seen the statement she read before the test it included details about the kids
Stating it was just a peck and he kissed her and she hasn't retaliated. It also states that my husband had pursued her and she hasn't given him reason to or led him on in anyway. The test came back with no deception detected.
I know it all sounds like as JK episode.
I'm struggling because I know the kids didn't happen like that I know it was passionate and she was kissing him as much as he was kissing her. I'm not trying to say my husband isn't to blame at all. But it makes me think she's passed the test and that was a lie so has something more happened that she was able to fool to test about too.
It was a private test she hasn't been on JK incase you were all wondering 🤣.
But if she is telling the truth it was all him and not her what does that say about him? Us? Me?
I have told no one and have no idea if she had I'm paranoid with mutual friends incase they know and are judging me. Also don't want anyone to think bad of him. Mental I know. I feel so alone I'm trying to hold it all together for the kids they adore their dad and can't upset them over it all. But I can't stand it he touches me and I feel angry and disgusted he is carry on as if nothing has happened and I just was to scream at him. I feel like I'm going crazy. HELP xxx ps sorry for the rant and the novel. I just need to tell someone about it all.

I'll bet there's been a lot more going on than you know about / they've admitted to!
Sorry OP but the situation is shit and if you stay with him he will most certainly do this again. With her or someone else.

Tell her husband about the kiss so he is aware it's her as well & the the test results are BS.

Be the strongest you can be. Don't be humiliated like this. It's embarrassing, don't stand for it.

Of course you can't make it work! Who are you trying to fool? Yourself?

You could do as they say the French do which is turn a blind eye and let him get on with it.

But to do that means you have to swallow your hurt, humiliation, pride, be the butt of jokes, whispered gossip, be seen as a bad role model for your dc and see your self esteem, self confidence and mental health nose dive while trimming the roses at your holiday home never quite knowing when or where they'll be having sex.

At the same time as this you will give your dh a massive ego boost, an affirmation by his dubious friends that he's a big hot cock and a lady's man who women fight over and he knows as soon as you leave he will install a new wife in your place and thus creating a vacancy for the next mistress.

What would you prefer?

You didn't ask for this or deserve it.

So what are you going to do? He has shown you what he is capable of. Snogging OW, with you in the next room. You can never trust him again. Can you live with this twat, forever looking over your shoulder?

Tell your "friends" husband everything. In fact, I'd be tempted to tell him that your husband has come clean and admitted they had full sex. Drop the cow in it, from a great height.

I had a "friend" like this once. She slept with my ExH. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. Never spoke to her again and left the husband. Life is too short for this bullshit.

Get yourself out of there. You don't want to look back at this in ten years when you resent him and have lost all respect for him. Honestly it's easier on your own than being with a lier.
I'm so much happier now I've dropped 20 stone of a lying cheating pig.

Tyffy - You posted upthread about undertandable nervousness of losing everything material you have worked for, especially due to DH's (no doubt enabling) well connected mother.

Please - don't let that fear stop you. Just look at this:
I never ever thought myself as a push over I am extremely strong and wilful when it comes to business.

Well guess what - you now have a new side business. It is getting shot of your lying cheating bastard while protecing your share of the mutual assets.

Get that business brain in gear. Don't give him any forewarning ... you know what you are going to have to do.
Document the fuck up while acting oblivious/trusting.
Hire a rottweiler lawyer on the quiet.
Suss out support from family or eg women's aid.
Play the waiting game until you hit him for whatever share of the joint asset you & your rottweiler have assessed your value at.

Hardnosed?
You betcha. Because if you're not - you know his mother is.
And any man who treats his wife as shittily as yours is will not give a fuck if you become destitute.

And on a softer note - allow yourself to grieve, & crumple, & feel utterly sorry for yourself. Just don't let him see it.
What has been done to you is a real bloody shame, but your commercial sense will get you through it. Treat it as a project & keep focused on the clear future you are building for you & yur children.

Good luck & stay tough
xx

Apologies - need postscript:
ALthough I emotionally agree with all the other posters saying don;t suffer in silence & get the facts out there before the polygraph-faking bitch does - until you have gathered all the evidence & documentation you need, & taken advice from a damn good lawyer - DON'T.

Save that satisfaction for a few short weeks time when you have your ammo together.

Because otherwise, your cheating liar & his enabling mother are going to start hiding assets & making your process difficult.

Op you can't stay with him

I hate how they can make you feel crazy. You seen the truth with your own eyes and still they get into your soul and you forgive and it just becomes madness. It's incredible the power of manipulation. Vile situation if you got kids, house, business etc. So hard to go 😭

Love this response 😘

Not calling this total bollocks or anything, but how do you get a polygraph test done? Asking for a friend.

Not calling this total bollocks or anything, but how do you get a polygraph test done? Asking for a friend

I agree.. I'm calling the OW a Bullshitter and a Cheater OP

You will never trust him again. When you are ready, tell him it's over and tell friends who will keep you strong.

He is horrible. God knows what else went in behind your back. Im so sorry. None of this is your fault. It is all his, make sure you remember that.

Polygraphs aren't "real". An accomplished liar can easily outwit it. Just get good legal advice, and take the cheating arse for every penny you can.

Stop torturing yourself. You know that he has behaved badly. I tortured myself over a man like this. He wasn’t worth the time, energy or money. Save your brain space for someone who deserves it. He doesn’t deserve you.

You have names on that pic, OP.

OP - I’m in a very similar situation (although not the same). Can completely empathise with having a very happy marriage and having your life turned upside down in an instant. In my scenario too, our lives our completely intertwined and it’s taken me almost a full month to realise that leaving him doesn’t mean I have to give up my whole life.

Also empathise with not being able to LTB as quickly as you always thought you would in that scenario. I was so sure I wouldn’t have to even think about it, but it’s actually been a very painful decision to make when it happens to you.

I’m now about a month into my saga. The only thing I can say is give yourself time and space. Don’t let anyone else’s opinions sway you, you have to reach the decision by yourself, when your head is clear enough to do so. Don’t rush yourself. I completely understand how hard it is. You probably want to at least have him leave your house though, so you can process your thoughts and the shock in privacy.

Feel free to PM me at any time as I’m going through a very similar thing.

You saw them snogging, you should dealt with it then.

Going over the details is an utter waste of time and you are torturing yourself.

You need to

1. Keep up a front at home for a bit, whilst you

1. Quietly and without giving anything away, engage the best lawyer in your entire region. In fact - what about the one used against your sister in law?

1. Can other posters help as to whether lawyers are engageable pending a percentage outcome of an eventual settlement?

Whose name is the business in? Is it your business? Start telling us about the financials and why you are worried you’ll be left with nothing.

Also -

Time to gather evidence of his financial situation: payslips, assets, bank accounts. But without him knowing.

Time to get your business head on OP - this time with you as the client. You have every right to be angry, devastated, etc BUT you need to keep a cool head to ensure you are not left high and dry by your husband and his delightful mother.

As other PPs have said quietly gather all the financial information you can (business, properties, financial statements, savings, etc) -hard evidence to make it easier to get what is properly financially due to you when you due for divorce.

Regarding anything else (eg the results of this "polygraph" vs what you actually saw), rumours etc. Keep your powder dry - time enough to set people straight, if you want to, once you are in a more secure place financially and emotionally. You can do this!