Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Boyfriend and his Mum’s weird relationship.

44 replies

Dimael · 26/03/2019 23:58

I have a lot of respect for his Mum as she raised him single handed from the age of 10 onwards. However the relationship between them is creepy and affecting my relationship with him. If ever she has a crisis or needs something doing he will cancel whatever arrangements he has with me. If she is unwell then I obviously understand but sometimes it can be just that work was difficult. Plans to see him often involve sitting watching tv with his mother including on a Saturday night. He treats her better than me in many ways. For Valentine’s Day he wanted to go running so I met him for ice cream afterwards, I even bought my ice cream myself lol! It wasn’t what I had in mind for our first valentines. Now it’s Mother’s Day this weekend and he tells me he is taking her for lunch and to the cinema.
Presumably he is paying for this. In which case she is yet again treated better.
I know I sound bitter but it’s wearing me down. There is no chance of him moving in with me either as he pays more than half her rent and he won’t leave her in the lurch. I feel like this is a dead end relationship. I think he is funny and kind but I am always going to be second best to his mum.
I have noticed my confidence drop over the last few months and I have started with anxiety and depression symptoms something I have never experienced before. I have had counselling and seen my doctor but it makes me wonder if this relationship is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I suppose more fool me for accepting less than my worth.

OP posts:

Brandnewshit · 27/03/2019 00:06

How old is he?

DishingOutDone · 27/03/2019 00:06

You don't have any future with this man and he's making you unhappy, walk away, lucky escape if you ask me.

Original poster

Dimael · 27/03/2019 00:07

He is 31 years old!

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2019 00:07

He sounds like a wonderful son, very close to his dm. And treating her on Mother's Day - I can't see whats wrong with that! Have you been going out with him long? ( Maybe he doesn't see you as "the one"?) You sound quite jealous tbh.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/03/2019 00:15

This is going nowhere. Why the fuck would you be sitting watching tv with mummy on a Saturday night when you could be out enjoying yourself?

He won't leave. You'd end up living with them both forever!

NotTheFordType · 27/03/2019 00:15

It sounds like she has "parentified" him. It is not a healthy dynamic. She is relying on him to meet her emotional needs and that's not what she should be doing.

Have you spoken to him about it?

(I do think YABU about Mother's Day - unless you have a child together!)

whatamidoingwithmylife · 27/03/2019 00:17

How long have you been together?

My bf is 29 and has an odd relationship with his mother too. He's a carbon copy of her in looks and personality.
Like yours, he treats her for birthdays etc baking her cakes (and gifts that are very odd for someone in her 60s to want). Yet I don't get much for valentines & special occasions. He got me tickets to an event as my Xmas gift and brought her along too 😒.

The fact they live together and the odd way things are set up made me assume he would never move away from her and cut the apron strings. But now he's made the decision I'm 'the one', he's spending less time with her and more with me, and talking about moving in with me.

Maybe you need to have a chat about the future and where you both see things heading. If he's truly never going to move away from her then surely the relationship can't go anywhere.

Apileofballyhoo · 27/03/2019 00:19

I'd get out of the relationship OP.

NorfolkRattle · 27/03/2019 00:21

Any woman entering into a relationship with a mummy's boy is going to be second in his estimation every time. Like you say, he cancels your arrangements if she has a "crisis". . .and her definition of crisis isn't, by the sounds of it, yours or most people's! You ended up buying your own ice cream on Valentine's Day because (presumably?) it didn't occur to him that Valentine's Day was your day as a couple. Fair enough that he does something for her on Mother's Day but if he pays for that for her and not Valentine's Day (and other days?) for you, that is a big indication of his priorities.

That your confidence has dropped and that you've started with symptoms of anxiety and depression says it all. He shouldn't be paying half or more than half her rent, that is what a couple would do! My mother married a man like this (my father): he never cut the apron-strings and my mother always came second. Decisions about what kind of furniture to have, what kind of holiday to go on, even where we lived . . .his mother's wishes were deferred to every time. (She had her own house in another town many miles away, never lived with us.) She was a bully and a manipulator. Your boyfriend's mother doesn't sound like a bully (going on what you have written, obvs) but yes, this is a creepy relationship.

From what I've observed, men like this get very angry and defensive if their wives/partners/girlfriends try to step out of the "I'm perfectly happy to be second-best" doormat role. Such men really can't see what the problem is. And, whatever they say to the contrary, they are actually afraid of their mothers. (A man who has a healthy relationship with his mother is able to put his partner first and a healthy mother is okay with that.)

QueenEhlana · 27/03/2019 00:28

You're the other woman, OP!

frenchonion · 27/03/2019 00:30

Run. I had an ex like this. Very weird dynamic and never changed. I'd seriously advise getting the fuck out of dodge.

Decormad38 · 27/03/2019 00:35

No ....run. I had a work friend that idolised his mum over his partner. It was weird. He would show pictures and it would be him and his mum all the time. I said ‘where’s your patrner’? Anyway he moved in with his partner but it didn’t last long. He got ill then returned home to be nursed by his mum and never went back!

BackforGood · 27/03/2019 00:41

Now it’s Mother’s Day this weekend and he tells me he is taking her for lunch and to the cinema.
Presumably he is paying for this.

Struggling to see why this is odd ?
It's 'Mothers Day' and she is his mother. You are his girlfriend of a few months. Why would you be expecting him to do something with you ?

Also not sure what the fact he was running on Valentines Day has to do with his Mother.

How long have you 2 been a couple ?

Stargazer888 · 27/03/2019 00:57

I'd be more concerned if he wasn't doing anything for his mom on mother's day personally.

PBobs · 27/03/2019 01:09

It doesn't matter how weird his relationship with her is or isn't. If he doesn't make you feel good about yourself then this is not the relationship for you. I'm sure some people would think this was fine. You don't - that's all that matters here.

Livingoncake · 27/03/2019 01:22

You’re right, it’s a dead end relationship. It’s also making you miserable.

Why stay with someone to whom you will always be second-best?

Poppins2016 · 27/03/2019 01:55

Now it’s Mother’s Day this weekend and he tells me he is taking her for lunch and to the cinema.
Presumably he is paying for this.

Struggling to see why this is odd ?
It's 'Mothers Day' and she is his mother. You are his girlfriend of a few months. Why would you be expecting him to do something with you ? confused

Also not sure what the fact he was running on Valentines Day has to do with his Mother.*

I think OP was trying to illustrate how she's treated differently. He'll pay for his mother to do nice things (cinema/meal on Mother's Day), however he didn't do anything/pay for anything nice on Valentine's Day (OP had to buy her own ice cream).

Shockers · 27/03/2019 02:17

Is he supposed to stop being her son because he’s met you? It’s perfectly possible to have a partner and still love your mum; nobody bats an eyelid if a woman spends time with her mum.

The issue of Valentine’s Day is separate- if you feel he should’ve made more effort, tell him.

Seahorseshoe · 27/03/2019 02:17

My dad used to go home from work, straight to his mum's and have dinner, then come home and have dinner with us. This was the 60's and she was widowed with loads of younger children. My mum loved his mum and knew and accepted that she needed some support.

She died in her 50's - he was an amazing son. Ironically, my brother does so much for my old mum now she's widowed. My SIL will be the first to tell him to be there for his mum. My brother does far more for her than us daughters, we do our bit, but he does a lot.

Both my Dad and DB were/are not mummies boys in the traditional sense, they both had wives and families and there was nothing weird about it. They are both amazing husbands too, devoted.

Back to you. At 31 though, you'd think his priorities would be shifted to treating you in the manner you deserve, as his partner. I'd have a frank, calm, conversation and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't change, I'd give him the elbow.

DonnaDarko · 27/03/2019 02:30

Why is it wrong for him to treat his mum on mother's Day?

ree348 · 27/03/2019 02:48

I think the problem isn't about him treating his mum on Mother's Day but the fact that he doesn't treat you on special occasions?

Whatever the case, if this relationship is effecting your self esteem then it's not healthy for you to be in it.

Mememeplease · 27/03/2019 03:29

If push came to shove and he had to prioritise one of you and you think he would always choose his mum, I'd get out sooner rather than later. You need to come first sometimes.

Talk to him first though. He may not even realise he is doing it. It might just be an ingrained habit that he might try to rectify if he realises how you feel.

MumsyJ · 27/03/2019 04:06

I think OP just gave us high level reasons, but in reality, it's hard to put what you experience with your bf in words.

She hasn't got any problem with him treating his mum on mother's day, she's trying to say at least Mr boyfriend could at least make a bit of an effort in the relationship.

My exH was a mummy's boy, spoilt rotten. For as much as I respected her, I made her understand there are boundaries as she was trying to dictate how my home should be run. Er no thanks woman, this is my territory!

OP, looks like this is a new relationship, except you've got the strength to compete with dear mama, I'd advice you left as this isn't going to change. Have you tried talking to him about it?

Original poster

Dimael · 27/03/2019 07:58

The issue isn’t with treating her for mother’s day. I would be concerned if he didn’t. The issue is that he will never ever leave his mother. Basically I am the other woman as someone pointed out earlier. We are going on holiday with his mum and we make sure that we spend at least one day over a weekend with his mum so she isn’t left alone for too long. Things aren’t great in the bedroom as a result and in 8 months he has only spent 1 full night with me. I know what I have to do. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 27/03/2019 08:11

Yeah I'd have no problem with him doing that and paying for it for her for mother's Day; but I would - same as you - be decidedly unhappy about what he thought was acceptable for you two on valentine's Day ... He went for a run (?) Like he can't go for a run any other time. I don't get it.

Or he doesn't get it and that's downright weird - who had to have it explained to him that couples do something special for valentine's Day together?

Flip

1 2