Boyfriend and his Mum’s weird relationship.

[Dimael]

I have a lot of respect for his Mum as she raised him single handed from the age of 10 onwards. However the relationship between them is creepy and affecting my relationship with him. If ever she has a crisis or needs something doing he will cancel whatever arrangements he has with me. If she is unwell then I obviously understand but sometimes it can be just that work was difficult. Plans to see him often involve sitting watching tv with his mother including on a Saturday night. He treats her better than me in many ways. For Valentine’s Day he wanted to go running so I met him for ice cream afterwards, I even bought my ice cream myself lol! It wasn’t what I had in mind for our first valentines. Now it’s Mother’s Day this weekend and he tells me he is taking her for lunch and to the cinema.
Presumably he is paying for this. In which case she is yet again treated better.
I know I sound bitter but it’s wearing me down. There is no chance of him moving in with me either as he pays more than half her rent and he won’t leave her in the lurch. I feel like this is a dead end relationship. I think he is funny and kind but I am always going to be second best to his mum.
I have noticed my confidence drop over the last few months and I have started with anxiety and depression symptoms something I have never experienced before. I have had counselling and seen my doctor but it makes me wonder if this relationship is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I suppose more fool me for accepting less than my worth.

I hope you end this relationship soon and certainly before you go on holiday with his mother in tow.

There are unhealthy mother-son relationships where the mother will replace the relationship she should have with her partner for an emotional one of the same kind with her son. It may be that the husband/dad is not living with the family anymore or has died (this is what has happened here). . In some ways, it may feel natural for her to turn to her son, as the next closest thing to a male partner.
However, just because the husband/dad is not shaping up to the man he should be or is not there to take on the responsibility of his role, it doesn’t mean the son should be seen as a substitute.

When a mother and son have such an unhealthy relationship, it causes him to struggle with setting boundaries and detach from his mother. This can be a real problem when he is involved in a romantic relationship.

This man and his mother are locked in a dance of codependency and theirs is truly a dysfunctional enmeshed relationship. No woman could ever equal his mother in his eyes and she will not let him go. You are the other woman in this scenario.

*has

That wasn't special or for both of you - it was you tagging onto what he wanted to do and working around his plans (which is something he could do at another time).

He sounds like he doesn't value your relationship, totally aside from the Oedipus Norman bates shit with his mother.

Youve described my ex and father of my youngest child ds nearly 1 to a tee. It will only get worse. I ended it as i knew tbe dynamic would never change. Youll only make yourself ill as time goes on. Make the break now and find someone whos emotionally available xx

If he is still living with his mother at the age of 31 then he will never leave home. And if he never leaves home then he will never grow up properly.

You need to LTB(oy)

He alsosounds so generally lazy, low effort, unappreciative, stingy (?) - full stop, totally aside from the horrendously unhealthy dynamic with him and his Mum.

Suspect he's sitting at home with you and his mum in a sat night, not just to keep her company, but also because he cant be arsed making any effort (e.g. to organise normal dates like a meal, the cinema, whatever) and he's stingy (made you buy your own ice-cream in valentine's day, after the non date when he expected you to fit in around his plan to go for a run!).

He's an oddball and not good relationship material tbh.

Too creepy. Why would she want her son around her all the time? It's just weird and blurred boundaries and making you understandably frustrated and creeped out. I wouldn't be comfortable with this and would move on. He's in a codependent relationship with his mummy!
And if she's not there he'll prob expect you to mummy him the same way.

Youve only been together eight months and you've already had counselling over thr relationship? That's very unusual just end it and move on.

I experienced this. My H had become a sort of surrogate partner to his widowed mum. He would spend every evening watching tv with her, do her garden all weekend and so on. When I came along there was a lot of tension as she still expected him to be with her all evening and weekend and obviously he wanted to go on dates with me or come stay at my place instead. There was a huge issue when he passed his old laptop to me instead of her too and when I had a bigger Christmas present.

She would get annoyed when he asked me for advice instead or didn’t discuss things with her anymore. It ended up with us moving away and now we all get on very well as there is that separation. The problem is that it doesn’t sound like your partner is willing to make the break. Have you tried to talk to him about this?

I might be on my own here but I really don't see the big fuss in valentines day...it's just a day. I would also probably go for a run on valentine's day if it was a day I would usually run on (maybe I would go early if I had made plans with someone). I also don't see why the OP buying her own ice cream is such a big deal. Why does a man have to buy us a frigging ice cream and why does it make him stingy if he didn't offer? If he had just been for a run then I would assume he didn't have any money on him anyway!

I see those things as being separate to his relationship with him mum. If you are not comfortable with this relationship and you have talked to him about it and he has no intention of changing then I think you are best off out of it.

My son and I were close. I've had two of his girlfriends live with us and we'd all watch TV or they'd be in his bedroom. The second girlfriend was the one and they married and moved to another part of the country.
I love his wife so much and we confide in each other.
What I'm trying to say is it's a bit of a risk but I'm sure it looked at one time like my son would never move out or on!

The Mothers Day thing is nice HOWEVER...

the rest is weird as fuck, I agree with everyone who said END THIS now.

You need to lower your expectations and get over yourself and grow up. It's his MOTHER and at some point in their relationship she will need him to help her in a number of ways. They are obviously close and you seem jealous - aren't you doing something with your mother?
Maybe this is where the issues lie - your relationship with your mother?

There is healthy close and there is unhealthily close to the point of enmeshment. These two seemingly cannot or will not let each other go and they are enmeshed so theirs is not a healthy mother/son relationship at all. I would also describe this man as lazy, unappreciative and stingey with mother always coming first.

You would not have put up with this from a man so why should the OP at all have to look at her own relationship with her mother or be told to grow up?. Its not acceptable. OP has every right to walk away from this man and his codependent unhealthy relationship with his mother and she should indeed walk away. This from him has already affected her confidence along with she now experiencing depression and anxiety.

Get out now OP. And I hope this dude never runs a motel...

I’ve been there, dynamics like this rarely change. Massive lack of boundaries being the biggest deal breaker. Ex would speak to his mother for hours each night, discuss details of our intimate relationship, major decisions on where we would live etc. would default to mummy. Whilst he was emotionally unavailable, lazy and spoilt. I feel sorry for the poor woman who is dealing with that right now.

I've been rewatching 30 Rock

"When your boyfriend is a card carrying mamma's boy. That's a deal breaker ladies!!!"

Get out now OP. And I hope this dude never runs a motel...

PMSL

Hi @Dimeal. I remember you from the no contact thread this time last year. I've NC but can't remember my old username now.
I remember the heartbreak over your ex during your exams and having to go NC with a friend?
I'd say, speak to him. He is sweet, but seems inexperienced. A year on and you need to have the conversation if it is going anywhere