Is it me?

[Whyknot]

I just don't know anymore. There's a huge back story, but rather than write an epic tome, I will try and keep things brief to here and now.

So, this morning I accidentally put DH's wallet in my bag and left for work. 20 mins later he rang shouting at me that he needed it, I apologised, said I would turnaround and come home, he hung up.

When I got to him he started shouting at me in the street calling me a fucking idiot, that I was stupid, thick etc. I just drove away.

He had left for work and had to turn back to meet me, he was then late for work. I get he was angry and it was my fault.

I've been really upset all day, he's spoken to me like this a few times a week lately. This evening he has said I have no reason to be upset and I need to get a grip, he had every right to be angry in that moment.

So basically, am I being over sensitive? It was my fault at the end of the day and most people would have been angry, right?

I think I've lost all perception of what's normal.

He has slept all evening and I'm going to bed for the first time without having tried to resolve things

No OP it’s about respect- we are human, humans make mistakes. You made yours by accidentally taking the wallet, you apologised & sorted it. He made his mistake by reacting so badly to begin with BUT he should be apologising to you now. He needs to come to you on this to say sorry. If he doesn’t this is who he is & will know you’ll take any crappy behaviour he dishes out- is this what you want forever? He won’t change

No, that's dreadful, it's him.

DP accidentally took my purse. I didn't realize until I went to pay at Sainsbury's with a full load of groceries. I was cross and embarrassed, but it was just one of those things, I wouldn't have dreamt of shouting at my partner or abusing them.

He has anger issues, but sometimes I think it's me that has the issue, as I'm the complete opposite. He says I'm just over sensitive. I am sure it's not normal to rant and rave over fairly minor things on a daily basis and have everyone tread on eggshells around you.

I'm clinging on to what I think is reality, but I'm beginning to understand how woman get brainwashed.

He keeps calling me stupid lately and rolling his eyes at me. I know I'm not though, he won't win on that one.

Everyone gets angry sometimes but I think swearing and describing you as thick is just downright rude and belittling. A few times a week is not on. No wonder you are confused

Not normal he is a twat

You say you are his exact opposite. Have you read The human magnet syndrome? (Ross Rosenberg)

It's not you. It's him. Surely once he'd called you and he knew you were on the way, he would have had time to calm down. Sounds like he used the time to practise his insults instead. And several times a week he calls you stupid? He is not reasonable. You are beginning to think this behaviour is normal, it's not.

Thank you for confirming it's not normal or okay, I was having a wobble as I could see how annoying what I did was.

I predict tomorrow will be all about how hurt he is and that he should leave as I obviously don't want him, then it will turn to anger and be back to being all my fault again and perhaps throw an affair accusation in there too.

I'm exhausted with it all.

I will read the book recommendation thank you.

If he says he should leave, just say, "yes that would be best".

He sounds like an emotionally abusive asshole. If he says he should leave agree. Pack a bag for him and give it to him. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Yes, you accidentally had his wallet. He should know where his wallet is as well! Shit happens. It doesn’t make you stupid anymore then him for not knowing where his wallet was! He should of be yelling and swearing at you several times a week let alone calling you stupid. This is emotional abuse.

Please, leave him. Let him leave. No one should be treated like this. You deserve to be treated with respect.

PS, statistically people that are accusing someone else of having an unfounded affairare usually involved in an affair themselves!

This evening he has said I have no reason to be upset and I need to get a grip, he had every right to be angry in that moment.

Ah yes, the classic hallmark of an emotionally abusive controller.

YOU are in the wrong to be upset?
HE is in the right to be angry?

FFS. He has anger management issues & is scapegoating you for them.

You mentioned worry about your own perception. That is understandable - he is gaslighting you. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG & that HE IS A BULLY.

Detach yourself as far as possible while you seek comfort & enlightenment with real life friends & on here. You are being put through an emotional wringer & it is utterly unfair on you.

Thank you for confirming it's not normal or okay, I was having a wobble as I could see how annoying what I did was.

Oh DEAR WhyKnot, I am SO glad you now have more clarity & can perceive it's not normal or ok.
But I am concerned that your default position is 'I could see how annoying what I did was'.

For crying out loud please latch on to this - An annoying thing happened. You did not DO something annoying!
Normal, nice people do not flame others when mistakes happen.

How do you know that you put his wallet in your bag?

You messed up by taking his wallet, I’d be frustrated if I was him and would be late for work because of it, annoyed even. However I wouldn’t swear or rant or call you names. I would be a little annoyed but it would pass within the hour. Human emotions are like this. His reaction seems extreme and wrong, to be that angry over an accident isn’t a good character trait

If he says he should leave, just say, "yes that would be best".

Absolutely this ! ^^ though I suspect you won't/can't.

You are human OP and humans make mistakes particularly when in a rush and/or mentally multitasking as well.

He had every right to be annoyed but absolutely NONE to verbally abuse you the way he did either in that instance or anything before or afterwards.

So he was inconvenienced and late for work - did the sky fall in? Shit happens as we try and live our lives and, if we are mature adults, we deal whatever it is appropriately.

I don't know if you can talk calmly to him about your relationship or how he treats you - or whether he'll just dismiss you. But maybe it's time to take stock, by yourself if he won't participate, of what the relationship really is like and where your next steps lie. 🌹

Maybe he should keep his wallet in a safer place.

I've made this kind of mistake and my dp has also (eg taking each others keys, accidentally swapping notebooks with meeting prep in them etc).

It's a 100% non issue. Not even sure I've felt annoyed by it when it happened? It's just one of those things. Dp has just tried to rectify it whenever its happened. Hes never been angry with me even once. Let alone called me names.

I consider my exdh abusive and hes never called me a name in his life tbh...

This isnt normal or in any way ok OP. Teachers aren't even allowed to shout at kids like this. Your boss isnt allowed to, your mum or friend isnt allowed to. No way in HELL is it ok for a partner to do this to you x

Thank you, so much to think about. I have been coming to the realisation lately that things are very very wrong.

I really appreciate every single reply, so kind to take the time to do so.

We had a huge talk a few weeks ago, he was very receptive for a change, I felt things would improve but of course they haven't.

I think the next step is to seek counselling, he said the other week that he would engage.

I am dreading him waking up, he really doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

He sounds emotionally abusive and joint counselling is not recommended where there's abuse.

I would just leave him. Sod counselling he is just a bully. Wouldn’t be friends with anyone who treats you this way why are you trying to rescue this relationship?

@Singlenotsingle "If he says he should leave, just say, "yes that would be best".

100% this

Counselling won't work, OP.

If only it was that easy. I do have valid reasons why now it would be impossible to just tell him to go, I'm also just not ready but perhaps this is the beginning of the end.

I feel sorry for dh, it must be a horrible way to live/feel all the time, it stems from lots of deep rooted issues, which he has sought help for in the past, I think more is needed now, it's very hard to find and access though.

That's interesting about couples counselling, I did wonder how on earth that would pan out. It's something we both need, but we can't afford it for both of us, I think his need is greater than mine right now.

Now I'm worrying that I'm keeping the argument going, rather than just getting on with things today and putting it to one side, which is what I'd normally do. He would then apologise. He won't cope with me still being upset about it.

OP your making excuses for his behaviour, you are not his rescuer, he is your abuser. He doesn't have to treat you so badly, he chooses to. I bet he doesn't behave like this with friends, colleagues, clients etc.