Is it me?

[Whyknot]

I just don't know anymore. There's a huge back story, but rather than write an epic tome, I will try and keep things brief to here and now.

So, this morning I accidentally put DH's wallet in my bag and left for work. 20 mins later he rang shouting at me that he needed it, I apologised, said I would turnaround and come home, he hung up.

When I got to him he started shouting at me in the street calling me a fucking idiot, that I was stupid, thick etc. I just drove away.

He had left for work and had to turn back to meet me, he was then late for work. I get he was angry and it was my fault.

I've been really upset all day, he's spoken to me like this a few times a week lately. This evening he has said I have no reason to be upset and I need to get a grip, he had every right to be angry in that moment.

So basically, am I being over sensitive? It was my fault at the end of the day and most people would have been angry, right?

I think I've lost all perception of what's normal.

He has slept all evening and I'm going to bed for the first time without having tried to resolve things

He's entitled to be a bit annoyed. He was inconvenienced and noone's at their best in the morning rush. However, it was just a mistake on your part. He was NOT entitled to be angry, or to speak to you the way he did. Absolutely not acceptable. He has lost control of his emotions like some kind of toddler and got things completely out of proportion. At the handover, I'd expect you to have apologised for the mistake and for him to make a sort of resigned/ wearisome yet jokey response like ... You numpty....
For you to be so upset is not being over sensitive. Who wants to be treated like that by their partner for a simple mistake?

I agree that joint counselling isn’t advised when there is abuse.

Can you say what your reasons are for not allowing him to leave when he wants to ?

@IMOGEN he wouldn't ever leave, he just threatens it every now and then with no intention of doing it. It's done in a poor me, you don't love me kind of way.

Sorry I'm not trying to dodge your question, I just worry about repercussions if he ever read what I am actually thinking.

So why don’t you leave him ? Do you want to ?

How could he read this thread ? Does he control your internet access or know your MM name ?

I don't know, I want things to be more like they used to be, but that's going back years, so unlikely.

He knows I'm on mnet, I don't suppose it would take long to find this if he thought to look.

Oh, OP, if there was ever a person on the planet who needed to read Lundy and do the Freedom Programme, that person is you.

And go see your GP. Your mental health is deteriorating before your very eyes. Tell him/her how you're feeling and why.

FP is via Women's Aid - you can do it in person or online (in person is better - being with other women supporters is good for you). Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? is available as a a download.

He doesn't have anger issues - does he get like this in front of his boss? His parents? The police? No, but he does it to you because that's ok in his warped twisted brain. And no amount of counselling is going to change that.

BTW - weren't you also late for work? (Or indeed wherever you were going.) The fact that you didn't even mention it makes me feel so sad for you. YOU matter. As much as - you know what? - MORE than this shitty abusive waste of oxygen.

Sorry, I really did put paragraphs in there.

@Ermm yes I was late for work too.

I will look up the freedom Programme, I've heard of it, just never thought it would apply to me.

Unfortunately the anger does spill out to all areas of his life, it's not just me. Work, family, strangers. I've had to ban him watching our ds play football, it was just too stressful every week.

That makes me sound awful. The team manager had a word, it was for the sake of ds really, as well as me and everyone around us. Dh agreed as he knew he was getting to wound up.

You're not terrible.

PM me if you like.

Dear WhyKnot

I feel sorry for dh, it must be a horrible way to live/feel all the time, it stems from lots of deep rooted issues, which he has sought help for in the past, I think more is needed now, it's very hard to find and access though.

I mean this to come over very gently, so please do not feel upbraided:
making excuses for, feeling sorry for, & 'special pleading' for our own abuser is all part of the FOG of being trapped in an abusive relationship but not yet seeing it clearly.

That's interesting about couples counselling, I did wonder how on earth that would pan out. It's something we both need, but we can't afford it for both of us, I think his need is greater than mine right now.
See what I mean? - btw it is perfectly common in this situation to long for the abuser to get some sort of treatment. The feeling is usually along the lines of 'if only he could get help to behave more rationally/kindly/etc'. You are putting his needs ahead of your own - again - if you want to prove this to yourself, ask yourself why you have written about the wallet incident as inconveniencing HIM (late for work) but have never mentioned YOU (late for work, & berated in the street by a bullying arsehole).
Your need is equal. Your right be be treated kindly & respectfully is equal. It is not your job to fix him. You cannot change him. You can only change you, only change how you deal with him, only change your situation.
I am really feeling for you now, & so sorry about how hard these words are going to be for your to take on board. YOU are the one needing support. He already has 100% support from you.

Now I'm worrying that I'm keeping the argument going, rather than just getting on with things today and putting it to one side, which is what I'd normally do. He would then apologise. He won't cope with me still being upset about it.
Aaaarrrgghh red flags!
Classic abuse cycle. 1) put you in the wrong over tiny incident 2) sulk & refuse to discuss, leaving you to stew in frustration while you convince yourself it's all your fault (e.g. 'I have been annoying' instead of 'he was overbearing, hectoring & ridiculous', please see my previous post on that) 3) once he has trained you to shut up to his own satisfaction, issue a grudging apology so you think he has taken your point of view on board (HINT: he hasn't) 4) rinse & repeat with his next outburst.

That makes me sound awful. The team manager had a word, it was for the sake of ds really, as well as me and everyone around us.
It did NOT make you sound awful. Anyone who knows the context - including the team manager & DS, & as your instincts so rightly observe 'everyone around us' would reassure you on that.

You have been slowly brainwashed & gaslit into tripping yourself up & questioning your own judgement every time this bully is out of line. You have become unused to trusting your own instincts.
Do you see what I mean now about YOU being the one who needs a counsellor - not him? I doubt he genuinely accepts there is anything wrong with him. Why would he - when he can keep blaming you for being "annoying"? Again - this is a classic - 'now look what you've made me do' - as if you are the one responsible for his moods & behaviour.
Please believe me - you are not.

This is a huge amount for you to process & deal with.
You may just have picked up (ha!) that I have been there too. Safely out over a decade ago. I had shitloads of help from friends & professionals. YOU need that help too. Please start by quietly, & without his knowledge, talking to e.g. solicitor, womens aid, trusted friends in real life. You can see you have back-up here & ...especially after giving you such a long lecture! - please know that you are very welcome to private message me if you feel that would help or comfort you in even the smallest way.

Keep your head down, keep your focus on YOU & DS, & begin the internal process of assessment of whether you are able to continue with your bully, how you might be supported to make changes, & what better future you can build for you & DS.

With a big virtual hug, stay strong
RSy
xx

Thank you RSA, I am soaking in every point in your message. I can't stop crying today, perhaps some of it is relief that it's not me.

Stupidly I reached out to him earlier and text him, he hasn't replied.

I'm feeling very mixed up and scared, but also have more clarity as to what is actually going on.

I've done lots of googling today and I have a better understanding of some of the behaviour now. I know I can't reason with him as he is completely lacking in self awareness.

WhyKnot, I am simply 'paying back' or even 'paying it forward'.
As per previously - been there, done that, had a huge amount of support & help.

It is really, really, difficult to manage the headfuck of finally starting to see the light. Many folk don't get the chance, & remain embroiled in a pattern of being bullied & self-blaming for it.

When the amazing lawyer who handled my divorce finally got through to me I was shaking & crying too. It took her the best part of 3 hours. It was really, really hard to accept that her viewpoint was the rational & sane one, & that I had been living a distorted reality for so long.

When she presented me with the written account of what had brought the marriage to its final deathbed, my initial kneejerk reaction was feeling too afraid to sign it. All I could see in the dizziness of fear, denial & slowly emerging clarity was how angry XH would be to read it. Luckily, I realised that this was the risk worth taking, & that nothing else (ffs even his own family had staged an intervention with XH, that's how bad it was) was going to get though & make him accept that I wanted to dicorce him.

Leaving was difficult, but people genuinely can & do find reserves of strength & determination that astounds them. It still astounds me sometimes looking back. You will find yours - for your own sake & for your DS.

Cry as much as you need to, it's a release.
You will have wobbles, but you WILL be supported.
The relief of finding that most people are in fact sane, reasonable, kind, & WANT to help you remove this unendurable pain & fear from your life is ineffable. It will lend you strength, & you will get through this.

Hang on in here, & pm whenever you wish.
RSy
x