Are you a team?

[Jess389]

I just wondered what the dynamic is in other people relationship regarding housework/cleaning/cooking?
Do you split things 50/50?
Or does one of you have responsibility for the bulk of the chores?
Do you encourage children to get involved with tasks?
Desperately need some insight as I am being made to feel like I am insane for suggesting things should be 50/50

Thanks in advance! xo

I think it’s easy to assume it should be 50/50 with housework and childcare - this is only true if you both have the same work hours and stress. In reality quite often one person works more hours or has a longer commute or has more work to bring home etc.

Equality does not mean 50/50. It means both have the same level of overall workload and free time.

In my situation I do almost all the house and childcare stuff but I work very few hours whereas my husband works long hours every day and sometimes weekends too. It works for us because although our respective workloads are stressful we are not resentful that one of us is not pulling their weight. In the future if DH reduced his hours then I would expect him to do more childcare - not house stuff as it would irritate me too much his way of doing things!!

DH and I have exactly the same job. We therefore work the same hours and have the same holidays. We share the workload in the house: I cook, he washes the dishes; I vacuum, polish and change beds; he does the bathroom. I do homework with our son, he irons the clothes. He also mows the lawn and does all the DIY in the house and garden. You get the picture.

My hubby is amazing and I never have to nag. We are a team and work well together. One of us would not feel comfortable leaving everything to the other. Last year DH had an accident and his leg was plastered at an angle for three months. Bless him, he still thanks me to this day for everything I did for him.
He’s got better with age mind! He’s 39.

What’s your current situation?

Yes we are a team. Most of the time things are pretty equal. Occasionally if one of us has a lot going on the other will pick up the slack but it all evens out.

I'm determined that our DS will see both mum and dad in caring, domestic roles as well as persuing a career.

Equal leisure time!

We both work similar hours, his free time is spent mainly playing on the x-box or his phone.
He refuses to do washing, ironing, change bed sheets, cooking...the list goes on.
His priority is cleaning the car or doing the dishwasher every now and again.
I feel more like a maid than a wife

Yes, we are a team, especially we are now both working out of the home full time.

There are certain things that I do more of than DH, and vice versa, (so I do laundry, food shop, cooking and he does cleaning, tidying, bins, garden) but we don’t tend to argue much about it - though it would be true to say that I think about it all more than him.

I get DD to help sporadically but again, nothing formal in place.

Neither of us are especially fussy, though.

Well, that sounds shit, what’s his justification for refusing?

F*ck that I'd rather be single.

That sounds pretty shit op.
First thing to do is stop doing stuff for him! Don't be his maid under any circumstances

Yes we are definitely a team. Things aren't 50/50 with regards to housework and childcare , but we do what works best for our situation. You can't say one way is right for everyone

If one of us was struggling the other would help and support.

We play to our strengths and are not hung up on each others tasks and responsibilities and who should be doing what, we just fall into a nice routine and enjoy our time together.

He doesn't do it as he "doesn't enjoy it"

Pretty sure no one finds doing laundry thrilling, but I don't enjoy cooking every meal or changing the sheets on three beds every week.

As soon as I mention anything to him he has a go about me never washing his car (I don't drive btw) like it's a main priority!

Sometimes I feel like I'm being unreasonable when I ask for his help, like I should be able to do it all on my own.

Me and my ex weren’t a team. One of the reasons I divorced him. The main one actually. Much happier now.

That just is not on, people can be so blasé about this but it is hugely disrespectful to you and not the sign of a loving relationship. People joke on here about how quick people are to say LTB but scenarios like this are perfectly justifiable, he isn't showing you love and respect. We divide things, I cook and shop, he cleans and does laundry, sometimes one will pick up more than the other depending on work load that week. But most importantly neither one of us wants to see the other one exasperated, and chip in as it's needed and we wouldn't want to see the other taken advantage of.

Oh, so he thinks that he should only do the enjoyable jobs? And does the time spent washing the car equate to the time spent doing everything else?

Do a list of all the jobs that need doing each week & work out how many you each need to do

Tell him to pick x number of jobs he wishes to do

We are a team, I would say I do more housework however he works more hours.

If speaking to him like an adult isn't making him listen then I'd just stop doing it all for a week and see what he does. He might start to appreciate it

What @GoldenHour said.
That really is shit, unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour, OP. What are you going to do?

I don't know, this isn't the first time I've reached breaking point with it but I'm just tired of being walked all over.
I don't really know what to do. Ideally I'd like to pack me and the kids up and have that as the end of it all but I feel so ridiculous that "he wouldn't help with the house work" is my reason for leaving.

If you’re ready to leave then that really does sound like it’s just too much. You’re meant to be a team, working together. If you’re doing it all alone, you might as well walk.

Fuck that shit! You are showing your children how to be treated in relationships. Just let that sink in.

No one enjoys housework but it's called being a responsible adult and creating a nice living environment. Really not surprised your pissed off.

It's not that he won't do housework op it's that he's a childish, selfish, misogynistic twat who doesn't respect his wife. The exact reason I divorced my ex-husband.

He doesn’t do anything, it’s selfish, it’s also teaching my son that that’s okay. I’m leaving him, you don’t treat someone you supposedly care about like that.

The fact that he doesn't do the housework isn't the reason though, is it? It is the complete and utter lack of respect that he shows, as though his time is more valuable than yours.

Out of curiosity, what happens if you don't cook? What happens if you don't wash his clothes?