Are you a team?

[Jess389]

I just wondered what the dynamic is in other people relationship regarding housework/cleaning/cooking?
Do you split things 50/50?
Or does one of you have responsibility for the bulk of the chores?
Do you encourage children to get involved with tasks?
Desperately need some insight as I am being made to feel like I am insane for suggesting things should be 50/50

Thanks in advance! xo

It's the underlying principle though of not making a contribution and in doing so adding to your workload.

If you're 50/50 workload, and your OH has their feet up around the house/kids, well, they need educating.

I think the problems come with perceived workload. I used to think I was part of a team. I worked 70-80 hrs/week, a lot of it away from home. It financially supported everything that made life easier and abundant for the OH. That ended after infidelity.

I'm no longer a team, and in some cases it's been hard, but it's been manageable and enjoyable. What I'm trying to say, is that as a team you do things differently as individuals, and it's up to everyone to set the rules for playing as a team and not just expect.

I’ve just asked dh if he thought we are a team... he said yes of course, but he’s the better player

Ugh, so dispiriting to read about men like this in 2019. Not ok, in any way. As pp said, you are teaching your children how relationships work. If you have sons, they will treat their future wives the way the learn from him. If its daughters, they're learning what to expect and accept from their future husbands from you. Are you happy with what they see? What would happen if you sat him down and explained in plain terms that a) no-one enjoys housework and he shouldn't expect to, b) there are priority (meals, laundry, basic cleaning) and non essential tasks (dusting, car cleaning!) And the former need to be done before time can be dedicated to the latter, and c) that you expect equal free time from now on. Time spent at home providing childcare is not free time, this is work time for the person doing it. Did you say he is a x box lover or similar? He should not be touching it until all housework is done for the day. Honestly I don't know how people live with these man children. What are you going to do to?

He doesn't enjoy it?!

Sorry posted too soon!
Well clearly you don't enjoy it either... chores and housework are just that, chores. And if you are working similar hours then he should be helping to share the load.
He sounds a right one, and not in a good way. Sorry OP.

Dh works a lot more hours than I do so I do most of the housework and childcare. But I think he does his share. There are certain jobs that are mine and certain jobs that are his and then we just share the rest. Laundry is my job but if I ask him to do a load he would never refuse.

It's 2019, don't put up with that shit OP, you deserve to be respected by your partner!

He works out of the house from 8-6.
He attends all important events for the kids.(4 of the aged 4-14)
He pays for everything.
One day over the weekend he takes the kids out for the afternoon with his dad.
He baths and puts the kids to bed every night.
He walks the dog.
He loads the dishwasher.
I do all cooking, cleaning, school and house admin, shopping, ironing, decorating fixing stuff,sorting and ordering all the kids clothes, holiday packing, majority of kids homework and organise and repairs, gardener etc...

He pulls his weight but I do more.

Sorry should have said I'm a sahm.

my dh works in a different city 4 days a week so our situation is different.
i work full time ish and i do all the kid taxiing, cooking weekday meals etc
my housework is very slapdash and i have very low standards so not a lot gets done during the week and i feel a bit guilty about that.
at the weekend he cooks mostly and we chip in and get the chores done together somehow.

if he took the attitude that your dh has taken, i would be very unhappy indeed.

I'm a sahm so it's never been completely 50 50, but it doesn't have to be if you are a team and look out for one another.
We have raised our dc the same as I was raised. If someone is washing up, another dries, and another puts away.
Gardening, we all help out.
Housework likewise, kids have always done age appropriate tasks, and dh has done more than his fair share over the years, and regularly picks up the slack.
The moment you say x box all my sympathy goes, I'm afraid.

We balance things. Although my OH has always done more than his fair share. When we both worked full time I'd do all the cooking and most of the food shopping. And I do about half the dishwasher and unload the washing machine about half the time. He does all the cleaning, all of washing up, all of washing, all of bed changing etc.
He's out of work at the moment so I just do cooking and food shop (because I enjoy it, he would gladly otherwise) and he does everything else.
He's marvellous on this stuff though. Even when he worked longer hours than me he was great.
Obviously we have other issues (no one is perfect) but on housework he's truly marvellous. And far better than me.

I've tried to speak to him, doubt it will change much.

@Jess389 you can change it, it is within your power to take control of this situation.

We are a team. There’s no formal split. Sometimes he’s busy doing helpful things so I deal with house stuff. Sometimes I am and he does it. Only thing we don’t share is washing as he broke my last machine. My son joins on as well with tasks. We work together to get things done.