Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

could this be a red flag? Moving too quickly

29 replies

Leefygreen · 26/03/2019 15:27

I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now, we've been on a few dates and met up for a chat a fair few times too. He's really nice and it's was going really well at first but lately there's a few things that have put me off a bit. For one he complains about his ex...a lot. And I understand, I'm not the biggest fan of my ex either but it's a bit odd the amount he brings her up. Then he's started talking about us meeting each other's DC, I explained that it was much too soon to thinking about that, we aren't even properly together yet. Now today he's messaged me "i want to be clear about this, what are we? What do you want from this? A relationship? Maybe even marriage, children together in the future?" I'm really confused by this. Why is he thinking about marriage and children at the very beginning of a relationship? Especially as I'm going through the process of a divorce right now and I'm not really looking to have anymore children. I'm happy with how things have been between us but he seems to want something much more serious

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/03/2019 15:31

He sounds very needy. I think you're right to be cautious. Definitely far too early to bring kids into it. Are you the first person he has dated since the ex? It doesn't sound as if he's over yet yet to be honest.

Tread carefully; sounds like you have good instincts though.

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 15:31

He is in the look out for a replacement nanny /housekeeper.
It can't be a dw as he doesn't know you well enough for that!
Run op.

TeaForTheWin · 26/03/2019 15:32

I would say that a couple of months isn't exactly a short time to have been dating, like I would want to know where I stood with someone after 8 weeks too lol. But that being said, you said you'd only had a few dates during that time? Which changes things. Also, way to soon to be in your kids life either way. Also, if you FEEL it is moving to fast (or he is trying to make it move too fast) then he is moving too fast. Asside from this potentially being a red flag, the main issue I would say is just as you have said - 'he seems to want something much more serious' than you do. I think I'd be backing away, personally.

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 15:34

What do you want from this? A relationship? Maybe even marriage, children together in the future?" I'm really confused by this. Why is he thinking about marriage and children at the very beginning of a relationship? Especially as I'm going through the process of a divorce right now and I'm not really looking to have anymore children.

Part of what he's trying to ask is whether you're both looking for the same thing. Which is fair enough. If one of you definitely wants marriage and more children and one of you doesn't, for example, it'll save a lot of time and hassle to know now.

It sounds like he's also rushing the relationship itself (meeting children etc) though, which is a red flag. It could just be that he's insecure and wary, or it could be that he's controlling and sociopathic. Why would you settle for either of those, though?

Original poster

Leefygreen · 26/03/2019 15:41

We've been on 4 actual dates but meet up about once a week or so as we live close to each other. I can understand he wants he know where we stand it's just he could have left at it do you want a relationship without mentioning marriage and children. I am the first person he's dated since his ex and he's also the first person I've dated since separating from my ex husband early last year so i felt like this was a good thing at first as we're in fairly similar situations but maybe it's not such a good thing

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 26/03/2019 15:46

Yeah I think mentioning marriage and children was potentially a bit creepy xD

MumsyJ · 26/03/2019 15:56

OP I can hear the tone of your voice reading your message haha.

Just reply or call him to say. You want a potential relationship. Also, you're in the process of a divorce and wouldn't be discussing marriage at this stage of...event ( I don't know whether to use relationship OP haha). One step at a time.

To give him credit though, he at least knows what he wants . Keep the children aside for now, quite soon for that.

Dieu · 26/03/2019 15:57

Hi OP. I think he sounds insecure, possessive and controlling.
He is trying to fast forward things, which is a red flag. The most promising relationships have a slow burn, and you get to know each other at a reasonable pace. It also sounds like he's using you to get over his ex.

A competent parent wouldn't wish to introduce their children to a new partner too soon, as the fear of failure and disappointment would be in their mind. Again, it begs the question of him doing this to get back at the ex??

He's a 'no' from me I'm afraid, OP

tellietwotums · 26/03/2019 16:28

I don't know if I'm in the minority here but I would read that message as he's trying to establish if you are both on the same page. He hasn't specifically said he is looking at marriage and more children but has asked you a question with a face of varying degree of answers.

I'd see it as he's fishing to find out what you want for yourself in the future.
It may way be that he doesn't want these things at all but wants to know if you do down the line to figure out if you are compatible.

I know I don't want anymore children and when I was dating I felt I should make this clear early on so as not to leed someone into a situation where emotions became involved before I revealed this.

Just a thought

tellietwotums · 26/03/2019 16:28

a RANGE of varying degree answers.

MzHz · 26/03/2019 16:39

You’re both very vulnerable

I think he’s looking for reassurance and you’re trying not to make a mistake and at the same time distance yourself from you previous relationship

Basically NEITHER of you are ready for The Forever Relationship

I suggest you face this fact yourself, understanding that this guy ISNT the one for you long term, and that he too is nowhere near ready for another serious relationship, he has a lot to process yet and is still joking a lot of anger. Until that business is resolved, he’s best off enjoying working out who he is and what he wants, you would be best served treating any “date” as a distraction from the main business of finalising the split from your husband

You’re not here to hurt him, nor he you, but I think the wisest course would be to be honest and keep things light and loose

Kids need to be kept out of this entirely

If he won’t budge on this, then it’s the “we are looking for different things” talk and just end it cleanly

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2019 16:46

Run like hell.

lifebegins50 · 26/03/2019 16:50

I would have preferred if his message was. Just want to check of we are on the same page as having children and being married is really important to me. Rather than asking you..surely he knows you are not ready.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2019 16:52

You've been on four dates? He really is trying to rush you. I think that some men, if they are now living on their own, try to quickly recreate a family life. The problem is that if it all goes wrong (which is very likely) then it's the children who suffer.

Orange6904 · 26/03/2019 18:00

I suppose it's good to know if you both want the same thing but you can't answer whether you'll want marriage with him after 4 bloody dates. The going on about the ex would worry me more. Sounds like there are unresolved issues.

NameChangeNugget · 26/03/2019 18:07

Wow, he’d have me running for the hills.

forumdonkey · 26/03/2019 18:08

The most I would commit to is being exclusive and not dating others after that amount of time. On the generous side, maybe he's wanting to know if you want a relationship rather than a FWB. If you are interested in him,. I'd be honest if in the future if you do/don't want any more DC's. If he's creeping you out, finish it, he's not the one for you.

Nc1548 · 26/03/2019 18:11

I didn't read it as a marriage proposal, just someone trying to assess if you are both looking for the same thing in a relationship, which is fair enough.

Dieu · 26/03/2019 18:15

Still inappropriate after only 4 dates though, surely.

Nc1548 · 26/03/2019 18:21

OP said 4 "actual dates" but also meet up once a week.

crappyday2018 · 26/03/2019 18:27

Sorry but this would worry me. My last boyfriend (together only 8 months) actually told me he loved me before we even actually met and then he was FULL on from the minute we had our first date. I was in a vulnerable place at the time so stupidly went along with it but it should have been a massive red flag. He also wanted our kids to meet way too quickly.
Needless to say, it was a total disaster and I'm now very clear that if a guy comes on too strong then its a definitely no from me.

Perfectlyimperfectineveryway · 26/03/2019 18:54

Red flag. Massive. Huge. Brightest of red you can see.

Back off now hon sounds like my ex

TowelNumber42 · 26/03/2019 18:57

Red flag. I also think he's rushing to get a new house-elf not a real relationship.

wishywashy6 · 26/03/2019 19:04

I do understand him wanting to know you're on the same page regarding where you see things heading at this stage, I think it was around the 6 week mark me and my bf had the exclusive chat but there was certainly no talk of marriage or children!
Definitely way too soon to meet kids I think at this stage too, it's just unnecessary to involve them especially if either one of you is uncertain about a future.
My partner doesn't have kids of his own but I introduced him to mine after about 6 months. That was only after we'd talked really openly and honestly about what we want from the future etc and we were as sure as we could be that we want the same things. I think it takes time to get to that stage and the fact he's trying to force it I would find slightly off putting

Original poster

Leefygreen · 26/03/2019 20:18

I just been honest that I cannot be certain of what will happen in the future, nor do I want to decide anything like that now. And that I'm willing to work towards a relationship as long as he can accept i want to take things slow and the kids be involved for a long time. I do worry that I'm taking things too slowly but I want to be sure before I jump into anything and I think if he's willing to do that It'll show he has good intentions and will also make sure he's actually ready too

OP posts:

Flip

1 2