Dh driving me to tears

[MeowthThatsRight]

He is just so bloody frustrating. He’s normally at work mon-fri but he’s here for the next couple of days and he is driving me completely potty. He is just completely incapable at seeing what needs doing in a situation. I do everything. Absolutely bloody everything.

I went to have a shower this morning and asked if he could get dc’s dressed which he agreed to. I’m putting some bits away before I get in the shower and no sign of him getting them ready. I ask him again as we’ll end up late for the school run. Dh replies he asked but they said no. So, I tell dc’s to go up with their dad and get dressed. Have my shower and they’re still in their bedroom naked and playing Lego. I ask dh why they’re not dressed. He didn’t know where they’re clothes were. I show him and get myself dressed. I come out to see dc1 wearing dc2’s uniform and vice versa. They think it’s hilarious, dh genuinely not noticed (dc’s are 3yo and 7yo so big difference in sizes). I change them and take them to school.

Get back from school and dh is just sat on dc’s bed, exactly where I left him, looking at FB on his phone. He won’t do anything at all for dc’s or me. All he does as ‘housework’ is once a fortnight he will spend an entire day mowing the lawn. He comes on days out with us and doesn’t interact at all. He’s not moody or anything. He’s just completely disinterested. I don’t understand it.

I think I'd go postal

Sorry, not spectacularly helpful. How do you react to him when he's like this? Is it laziness? Depression? Complete inability to work things out for himself?

What if you point out to him how much more work he will have to do when you separate?

Did he live alone at any point and do this?

I do everything. Absolutely bloody everything.

So STOP.

Write him a list of daily jobs; he obviously doesn't have a clue.

Have you ever spoken to him about why he doesn't do anything?

Why are you and he still together at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this so what is it?.

What he is doing here to you at home is a form of learned incompetence i.e. to do any task relating to housework or life admin so badly that you will never ask him to do this again. So you end up doing it all, that is his aim here. He did not want you to have a shower nor to help getting his kids ready for school, he wanted you to do that.

He does not behave like this at work because if he did he would be fired. This incompetent behaviour from him at home is deliberately designed to undermine you and is also highly disrespectful towards you as a person.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you. Its also teaching your kids damaging lessons on relationships, this is really no legacy to leave them.

My husband used to do this. Made out he just couldn't understand eg how to work the washing machine (ruined my wedding lingerie by putting it on at 95 degrees).

I bought the whole 'so bright he can't peel a banana' concept. Pah. No, housework, anything to do with the home, is woman's work. All that helplessness was so I'd say "oh for goodness sake I may as well do it myself".

That was the plan and I fell for it.

Long divorced! That, and other things.

He is an adult; he does not need a bloody list of what needs doing.
These are his children too.

He is capable but chooses not to do any aspect of housework or other life admin at all because he feels all that is beneath him as a man. Am not surprised he mows the lawn; that is something that people in the outside world will see. Its behind closed doors that his true nature really emerges.

I'd go ballistic! Have you tried it?

Give him a list of jobs to do, offer to show him the first time so you don't end up micro managing him.

That will establish whether he's genuinely rubbish at doing what needs doing or just bone idle.

Good luck!

Does he have extra support at work to help him find his computer? A personal assistant who peels his bananas for him? If he doesn't have additional needs at work he doesn't have them at home. Swap...you do the lawn he does everything else. 7 year old can tell him where to find things.

What is the bloody point of some of these men? You wouldn't accept that at work or in your friends. He's absolutely useless and you should tell him to shape up or get out.

You need to read him the riot act. It's lazy, male-entitled bullshit - everything you are doing is viewed by him as women's work.

If you both work, swap roles and as previous pp said - you mow the lawn, he can do everything else.

Strategic incompetence is one of the most infuriating traits. Doing something apparently simple (say, preparing the kids for school) requires a decent amount of knowledge.

First you need buy-in from him that he is responsible for certain tasks, so you are not constantly asking him to do things. This is a sit-down discussion. Step one is to go through a week and take note of all the stuff you do. It will be a lot. You'll be surprised at the amount of knowledge you need to do the tasks. Then you divide them up. Some are his tasks and he needs to own them.

The next time he does a task you usually do, talk him through it as if you were teaching a new employee. Ask him if he has learned the process. Get him to do it, under supervision.Give him feedback. He has to know he won't get away with it. He needs to know where everything goes, where it gets put back, what you use to clean stuff with, what happens when things run out, how to wash and hang the clothes properly.

If he asks where something is, tell him he needs to remember where it goes. The next time he asks, ask him to guess where it is. The third time, he can find it himself.

Zero tolerance is only approach to strategic incompetence.

He normally works away mon-fri so I do it myself which is fine. It’s just every weekend I stupidly relax a little, expecting dh to just take a little bit of the weight off. Then he does fuck all, creates even more work for me.

If I ask him to do anything then tell him he’s done it wrong (like when he helped the 3yo get dressed the other day, I hadn’t laid an outfit out so he put him in his school trousers and a rash vest) he does a big strop and starts saying ‘I can’t do anything right can I? Why do you love putting me down all the time?’ Then I feel like I can’t say anything and end up doing it all.

What is it with all these men? I've seen loads of posts like this. My ex wasn't particularly great either but he would at least know how to get the kids ready and know where their clothes were etc.
OP noone is that useless so he literally just cannot be bothered, simple as that. If he makes an arse of things, he won't have to do it again.

Oh dear OP he sounds terrible. My DH isn't the best but even he wouldn't dress a dc in a rash vest to go to school!

I just don’t understand it. We were together for a decade before we had dc’s. I had always been fairly sure I didn’t want kids. Dh said his one ambition in life was to be a dad. We now have 2 absolutely amazing kids, he’s not here 90% of the time and then when he is, he’s completely uninterested and incompetent. I just feel I’ve been tricked.

‘I can’t do anything right can I? Why do you love putting me down all the time?’

This is gaslighting, making it about you. Can you honestly imagine he would say this to a work colleague?

The response to this is: "No, you can do it right. You just need to practice. I have experience in this, and I will show you what needs doing so you can learn and pull your weight. I am not putting you down, I want you to do your share well and efficiently. You are a grown-arsed man with a job, and are more than capable of preparing the children to for school or any other household task."

This is how strategic incompetence works. If he was given these tasks by a boss at work, he would no doubt do them well and efficiently. He is not useless and incompetent, he is simply trying to offload the work on to you. Does he have any competent friends who set a good example?

A couple of references:
www.workingmother.com/this-husband-admits-to-strategic-incompetence-to-avoid-housework-and-its-infuriatingly-familiar
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5280787/Is-half-master-strategic-incompetence.html
mummytotwinsplusone.com/men-i-see-through-your-strategic-incompetence/

What if you point out to him how much more work he will have to do when you separate?
And how much less work you will have to do, without that extra baby.

He could do these jobs if he could be bothered. Sorry that you are having to put up with him giving you the role of nasty, nagging wife. A proper adult man doesn't need to use these tactics.

So why are you with this strategically incompetant man exactly?

You must be getting something out of this otherwise why are you still with him. Is he really the example of a husband and father you would want your children to emulate and or otherwise copy?. He sees all housework and other life admin as your task primarily so unimportant and beneath him because he thinks he is the big I am.

Stop correcting his mistakes.

And stop doing everything. You are treating him like a child and he's got you running around after him.

Your oldest child is 7 so you've obviously been together for a while and even decided to have a second child with him so he can't be that bad.

I'd have left him too it.
Let him take them to school like that. It would be the one and only time he tried that stunt

He comes on days out with us and doesn’t interact at all. He’s not moody or anything. He’s just completely disinterested.

The housework or lack thereof is a red herring. ^^This is your issue.

Why are you with him?

Sorry haven’t read whole thread but only advice I’ve got (from own experience sadly) is ask sweetly the night before if he can help eg with getting kids up because of urgent (find something/think up something) appointment you have, out of the house. Then go out when it’s time to get kids up.
If I ask my dh to help when we are both in the house, no he doesn’t.
If I have a go at him he gets very very grumpy.
He doesn’t do a lot. I’m wondering if it’s worth it at the mo.
All the best xx

School trousers and a rash vest 😂, sorry but wow that’d drive me nuts!

‘I can’t do anything right can I? Why do you love putting me down all the time?’

'You're right. I think we need to split. I clearly have control issues and am preventing you from parenting in the way you want. We need to separate, which will give you the chance to go part-time, stop this silly working away and have the kids half the time without me there. Finally get a chance to really take responsibility for them, all the things you've missed out on for so long (saaaad face). I'll have the time to work and earn more too and have free evenings. Maybe that will help with my terrible control issues. What do you say?' :)