Turns out he's back on a dating app

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I'm having a bout of insomnia and lying here feeling despondent about my relationship. I like him so so so much... I feel like it's love but there are a couple of red flags about him (I'm in no way perfect but he's previously had a gambling habit and got into £25k debt, he also has a very large ego, freely tells me he's not good in a long term relationship). I nearly finished it once and actually did finish it the second time when he told me his living situation was illegal. I reacted badly to this (paranoid it will affect my life with my DDs as I'm a single mum). We got back together 7 weeks ago. We both have children and haven't introduced eachother to them but have talked about doing this. We see eachother about once every 7-10 days but message/speak every day.

I just went on the dating website we met on. I was feeling lonely and that something isn't right in our relationship. And he's reactivated his profile and updated it 10 days ago. It says he was last on there 4 days ago. I get it, I've probably dented his pride a huge amount. We're in a relationship but have always struggled to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I wanted to do this more than him I think but he was reticent although has been the most loving, caring, nurturing man. He's saved me after my painful divorce. We've helped eachother a lot actually.

We just spent a really lovely weekend together and chatted about our relationship. He told me that he'd always hoped we'd get closer and merge our lives together but since we got back together he's realised it's just fun and that's it. We both said we hoped that it would become something more and that we feel great to have the other next to us. He has money troubles and told me that in the past and when we finished, he considered becoming a male gigolo ("I could do this, I'm very good looking"). And he is. He has been the sweetest, most honest, loving partner. I was so heartbroken when we split.

I guess we've both been on this app again although I haven't reactivated my profile. I have always thought with him that something isn't quite right between us and I suppose he does too. I worry that I'll never meet Mr Right.

How should I handle this? Please be gentle.

Hes told you hes not good in a LTR.

What does that tell you? Seriously?

And I'm REALLY not trying to be harsh.

Hes already told you that its just fun. You know he's back on a dating all which means you're not the one for him. Just end it so you can be free to meet someone better.

I know..... you're right. I'm struggling to feel angry although I'm so sad. It will be hard to cut contact with him as we've been such a support to each other morning, noon and night for almost 18 months. I'll miss him a lot. I don't know how to start the conversation as don't really want to tell him I saw him on the dating site.

Consider yourself lucky he hasn't caused more damage in your life than you missing him and move on so you can find a decent man that deserves to be in yours and your DCs lives.
No good in LTR, gambling, debt, illegal living situation? I take your point about him being a welcome distraction but you need to find something healthier.

Was he your first relationship after your divorce?

Some people come into our lives to give us something we need at that moment, andt sounds like he's done that for you. That's a lovely thing. If that's all it turns out to be, that's actually quite a lot! Some people are there to help you grow beyond them.

Aw, you poor thing. It's so very very hard when our love is unrequited.

He filled a gap in your life to enable you to move on from your divorce. Now maybe is time for you to move on a little further.

The bit that struck me about your post was 'he saved me after my divorce'. Until you get to a point where you don't need saving, rescuing etc you'll attract the wrong guys. Trust me, I'm 4 years divorced now and my new relationship is the first one probably in my entire life where I don't feel like this.

There are so many red flags about this man I don't know where to begin. It'll be very hard to start with but you deserve something better. Good luck.

He's really bad news, op.

Gambling problem.
Illegal behaviour.
Arrogance.
Explicitly told you he's no good in relationships.
Ongoing money troubles.

Even if he weren't back on the pull, you should run a mile. And then run another. And another. Run a blooming marathon.

Your feelings for him are not magic and the "transformative power of love" is a lie, a crock of shit.

See him for what he is. A charmer maybe, but utterly bad for you and would bring you misery if you were tied to him. So very not Mr Right.

Use your head and end it today.

You’ve been together for 7 weeks. You’ve seen each other about 7 times. You don’t even know him, though you know about the huge debt and that he’s back on the dating app. Get rid of him now. It’s supposed to be easy at this stage.

Op, he's been honest, it's just a bit of fun and he doesn't see you as relarionship material. You need to decide if you also can see this as a bit of fun. It appears not. As such it's better to end it now, than have it end further down the line by him and cause you more pain.

I need to hear this. But what words do I say to him? I can't even think and want to end it on a good note. Do I reference the dating site?

Illegal living situation? Don’t know what that is but surely it’s a non-starter.

Let's see here. Whatcha got in this party bag, OP?

You have a gambling debt attached to an addictive-all-or-nothing personality (that shit doesn't sort itself out, OP).

And... Gigilo? #goals

Illegal living- whatever that means. Do we even have to know?

I can't see your self-esteem or sense of self-worth (or the welfare of your children) ANYWHERE in this picture, OP. I worry that you would choose him. You have set your standards so low that this is enough.

How much Kool Aid did this guy give you?

It's time to NOT date at all, OP. You need to work on your relationship with you. Seriously. It's YOU time. Get a better job or take a course you've been wanting to take. Join a pool or a gym. Get a dog for you and your girls. Start a guinea pig farm. I don't know. Go to more concerts. Read more books. Or do none of these things. But do ANYTHING and everything for you and your girls and get your sense of self-worth back on track.

I've been you, OP. I've been there. I've been with that guy. And it is an all-consuming quagmire of shit.

All you have to do is think of the words 'broke ass wanna-be gigolo' everytime you feel pangs for him. Let those words be your mantra! Don't touch him ever again with a barge pole. And if you can't do this for you, at least do this for your DDs.

I wish you luck! I know how hard this is. I really do. Summon all of your strength to be a better person. You don't need this loser draggin you down. He is just that: A charming loser.

OP! The dating site's neither here nor there. He's back on the dating site. That's the least of your troubles with this guy. Seriously. You had reasons not to be with him MILES back. Can you not see this?

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

Just say something like "we're not on the same page, and it's best if we part ways, it's been terrific fun and best wishes. I won't be keeping in touch and won't be responding to any contact, as it's best to have a clean break. All the best."

He’s done you a favour. One text to end the relationship, then avoid him.

He has a history of gambling, causing huge debt.
Has a very large ego.
Told you he is shit in relationships.
“Illegal” living situation. (You label yourself “paranoid” for having understandable concerns about this).

You have DC to consider. WTF were you thinking continuing to date him and even considering introducing him to your DC?

Suggest working on your own issues / self esteem and raising your bar much higher before dating again.

I think you just be honest with him. ‘Thank you for the chat the other day, I’ve come to realise I’m ready for a proper, long term relationship and I know you’re not so I think it’s time to leave this now. It’s been lovely but it’s not what I want any more’.
No need to mention the dating app. You leave with your head held high. He’s really not what you need long term, so many red flags. A gambling habit does not just go away without a huge life change, this will happen again. You need someone who’s looking for the same as you and is a decent guy. Good luck.

Thank you for the chat the other day, I’ve come to realise I’m ready for a proper, long term relationship and I know you’re not, so I think it’s time to leave this now. it's been lovely but It's not what I want any more.

I agree with most of the above sentence, but disagree about not mentioning the dating app. I'd add: "I see you've updated your profile on the dating app, so you obviously want to move on too, so let's leave it at that."

Let him know you know what he's up to, then disengage. He sounds like bad news all round.

Thanks everyone. I feel so weak but know it needs to be done. I've made arrangements to see him tomorrow evening. Last time I finished it was by text and it felt rash, but I feel I'll get proper closure if I see him in person. I'll go to his place so I can leave when I want to.

I'm generally a confident person but in relationships my self-esteem is really quite low. Like a few of you have said, I need to not date and explore that or I'll keep on attracting the wrong men.

Possibly He is Benching you or FWB situation.
Not being harsh but you can do better :D

If you wish to end things face to face suggest meeting somewhere out and about rather than seeing him at his home.

It’s more that you didn’t filter him out much sooner when there were big red flags.

MN is good for things like this, I sadly learned the hard way before MN was around!

He sounds like a Walter Mitty
come on you can do better than this

You feel weak but are going to break up face to face, at his house...