Turns out he's back on a dating app

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I'm having a bout of insomnia and lying here feeling despondent about my relationship. I like him so so so much... I feel like it's love but there are a couple of red flags about him (I'm in no way perfect but he's previously had a gambling habit and got into £25k debt, he also has a very large ego, freely tells me he's not good in a long term relationship). I nearly finished it once and actually did finish it the second time when he told me his living situation was illegal. I reacted badly to this (paranoid it will affect my life with my DDs as I'm a single mum). We got back together 7 weeks ago. We both have children and haven't introduced eachother to them but have talked about doing this. We see eachother about once every 7-10 days but message/speak every day.

I just went on the dating website we met on. I was feeling lonely and that something isn't right in our relationship. And he's reactivated his profile and updated it 10 days ago. It says he was last on there 4 days ago. I get it, I've probably dented his pride a huge amount. We're in a relationship but have always struggled to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I wanted to do this more than him I think but he was reticent although has been the most loving, caring, nurturing man. He's saved me after my painful divorce. We've helped eachother a lot actually.

We just spent a really lovely weekend together and chatted about our relationship. He told me that he'd always hoped we'd get closer and merge our lives together but since we got back together he's realised it's just fun and that's it. We both said we hoped that it would become something more and that we feel great to have the other next to us. He has money troubles and told me that in the past and when we finished, he considered becoming a male gigolo ("I could do this, I'm very good looking"). And he is. He has been the sweetest, most honest, loving partner. I was so heartbroken when we split.

I guess we've both been on this app again although I haven't reactivated my profile. I have always thought with him that something isn't quite right between us and I suppose he does too. I worry that I'll never meet Mr Right.

How should I handle this? Please be gentle.

Has he paid off the 25 grand debt, hope he doesn't ask you for money.

I'm going to meet him somewhere other than his place. A teetotal chat by the river I reckon. I wouldn't give him money and he's never asked me to anyway.

Yes I have always had my doubts but we've never been serious, always said it was for fun and support as we were both going through divorce. It's been just that and not grown into more although I'm very fond of him. I've never felt compelled to introduce him to my DDs, a person would have to pass the friends and family test to do that.

Despite the above, he's a lovely guy with a good heart. He's just not the man for me and I will end it tomorrow no matter how hard it's going to be. Any tips on how to stop yourself crying?

How to stop yourself crying??

Think of the 25k gambling debt and thank your lucky stars you weren't married to him!!

Seriously run for the fucking hills....yesterday.

Are you hoping he'll have an epiphany and promise he'll change and blah blah blah?

I’d just send him a text and dump him that way. I don’t think meeting him face to face is necessarily a good idea in these circumstances. The quicker you cut the ties the better x

No I don't believe he will have an epiphany. I have self-esteem issues but I'm not stupid. I want to tell him in person and not via text this time. It will give me back some control and I want to leave it with no hard feelings.

I said hope not believe, and I'm not suggesting for a moment you're stupid. It's just I'm not sure what you'll get from doing it in person that you didn't get by text previously. How did he react last time you broke up with him?

Thanks category12. It was too raw and reactive last time and didn't feel properly over as it was all by text. I think I want to see him squirm to be honest. But I don't want to leave it on a sour note, it will eat me up inside. Last time, he was very resigned and just accepted it, concerned to tell me he'd be ok. It was odd. I thought at the time if I went back my self-esteem would suffer and it has. I know I have issues I need to work through. Thanks everyone for your replies.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them! And run!

That's the plan. I should also get that laminated on my fridge..

I don’t think you’ll see him squirm though op , sorry to be harsh but you are more invested in him then he is you , he will probably act very nonchalant about it and that will then make you feel more out of control and more emotional. It’s your decision obviously but just prepare yourself for him being rather “oh well bye then” if that makes sense . Hope it goes ok op

"OP! The dating site's neither here nor there. He's back on the dating site. That's the least of your troubles with this guy. Seriously."

This a million times!

Run and don't look back!

A PP said he doesn't see you as relationship material. What an idiotic thing to say. He is far from relationship material himself! He'd make your life an utter misery! Thank God you haven't introduced your children to him.

The deed is done. We sat on a bench, I told him straight, he apologised, we lamented things. It was all very sad. Hugged me at the tube station, we said goodbye. Whole thing lasted 30 minutes maybe. Then I went the theatre with my friend. Now I'm about to have a Chinese for 1 in my local takeaway. Sad and lonely. But master of my own fate.

Sending you hugs xx

You done the right thing OP. You will find someone much better for you then him 💐. Enjoy your chinese x

Well done OP. You did the right thing

You know you've done the right thing.
Embrace being single for a while.
Socialise with friends and family.
Start a new hobby.
You'll get there.

Sad and lonely. Short-term

But master of my own fate. Always

Well done, you! It was always going to be the right outcome.

Congratulations on clearing an obstacle from your path!

Congratulations namechange.

And PLENTY of women (ok, me) take themselves out on their own to restaurants, cinemas & so on. Now you have the chance to do that, and to continue nurturing your other, healthier relationships.

Enjoy your chinese ! :) & wishing you much future happiness & self-determination x

Just think , OK , fun while it lasted , no harm done..

NEXT..

Just reactivate your own dating profile on the site. Ball’s in his court then. No need for ‘the chat’ unless he comes to you. Tell him actions speak louder than words and you noticed it’s just fun for him so no probs!

Thanks all. Yesterday was a bit shitty and he text me apologising again. I managed not to reply which am chuffed about. Feeling brighter this morning as it's a lovely sunny day. I just feel so sorry for him in his situation but trying not to think about it. Thanks for your kind words, good sense and wit everyone

Just reactivate your own dating profile on the site. Ball’s in his court then. No need for ‘the chat’ unless he comes to you. Tell him actions speak louder than words and you noticed it’s just fun for him so no probs!

WTF?!

Why would the OP want to start playing head games, when she's already stressed enough? This bloke is, in the OP's own opinion, a gambler with ego problems & at least £25k in debt, & some unspecified but clearly dodgy 'illegal living situation'.

And now you want her to dangle herself back in front of this charmer, so that the "Ball's in his court" ???

Great advice! Not.
@namechangedbutneedadvice - don't do it. Spend all your energy & time on yourself while you get past the worst of losing your loser.
I hope you give yourself a lovely weekend & are soon feeling all the benefits of your freedom xx