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Original poster

Not ready for husband to move out

27 replies

Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 19:46

Found out 4 weeks ago that husband was unfaithful 6 years ago. I cannot tolerate such a thing. It was a one off (I’m as certain as I can be) and he is so remorseful that i’ve been worried about his MH (just to illustrate how regretful he is).

I gave him his marching orders. Left with the kids to go overseas for some time out and told him he had to have a place to live by the time I was back.

He has to sign for the place tomorrow and if i’m honest, I’m not ready for him to move out.

In the long run, I honestly don’t think our marriage will work. The circumstances in which he cheated were completely disgusting and impacted people we know well. At the moment though, although I hate his actions, I can’t deny I still love him. We had an otherwise extremely happy and long marriage.

However, I left the country with the kids more or less as soon as I found out. We haven’t had so much as a conversation with him in person since then, except very early ones that were too heated to be productive.

Now it’s crunch time, I don’t want him to go. He really has to, I know he does. Things will be hideous if he stays. Or i’ll end up taking him back but hate myself for it. But I’m just not at all ready.

We don’t have anyone he can stay with. It’s just us. So it’s sign a lease or haemorrhage money on hotels.

I feel like i’d be doing myself a disservice if I don’t insist he goes through with it, but I feel completely sick. It’s so hard not to ask him to stay, even if it’s just in the spare room.

OP posts:
Tachy · 25/03/2019 19:52

In the nicest possible way op, what are you looking to get from this thread?

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 19:54

I’m not sure. A hand hold? Maybe positive stories from those who ripped the band aid off and came out the other side ok?

Mostly just don’t have anyone else to talk to and am trying to hold it together for kids.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsworth · 25/03/2019 20:46

It sounds like you haven't given yourself the closure from him that you might need? Not to have a conversation and let him know how angry, upset you are at him is just bottling it up. It will have the same outcome I'm sure, your marriage is over, but there sounds like there's a lot of things unsaid from both sides....

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 21:14

Kitty - I guess not. We haven’t been under the same roof since I found out what happened. One minute we were happy as can be, then I found out, then I threw him out, then I left with the kids. We’ve tried to talk on the phone but emotions have been too high.

To be honest, I haven’t even begun to process the betrayal really, so it feels like I’m throwing him out over something I can’t yet believe he did.

OP posts:
Blackcherrylatte · 25/03/2019 21:21

I always feel sorry for the kids in situations like these.

Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 21:24

You just fucked off with the kids?
I really hope that the “we haven’t spoken to him in person since” does not include his children.

Come on, I know you’re hurting, and I’ve been there. You need to put your children first though.

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 21:27

I promise i’ve put the kids absolutely first. I took them to be with family with his blessing, so I could get his headspace. I’ve insisted on daily Skype and emails and already arranged for him to see them immediately when we’re back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 21:30

^get some headspace.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 21:34

OK, I don’t understand your previous comment (the “we”) then, as it sounded like they hadn’t spoken to him either. I’m glad you’re back - a month is a long time for children to be away. And yes, before services and oil rig families jump on me, it can work - but it’s not ideal when children are not used to it.

I know it can be hard to follow through with a big step, but just sign that lease. It doesn’t stop you engaging with him, having counselling to try to repair things - or just to become the best coparents you can be.

FWIW, I lived with my XH for 4 further months after uncovering yet another of his infidelities. That was the time it took me to buy a house. That was when we (led by me) told our child. I had already told XH, that I would dictate the pace of my moving out, based on her reaction. Had she needed a weekend in my new house with me, and then me to come to our old home with her - I’d have done that. As it happens, she was fine!

Boundaries are fine and good - but you set them. Just because you sign the lease, doesn’t mean that’s him thrown out for good.

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 21:35

Ellis -just a typo. Meant to say either we haven’t spoken, or I haven’t spoken to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerknuts · 25/03/2019 21:36

And thank you, Ellis, for that answer. I really needed to hear that. I feel much calmer. Thank you x

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 25/03/2019 22:02

I ripped the bandaid off. Faltered, then took him back. It's infinitely worse having to do that the second time around. Do it now. And don't look back. Because you know that you will never accept what he did and it will eat away at your insides forever.

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 27/03/2019 08:38

Well, he’s off to sign in a couple of hours. I faltered a bit and changed my mind and then changed it back again, but ultimately told him to go ahead. I feel like I’m having a panic attack and can hardly breathe, but I know deep down that it’s the right option

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 27/03/2019 08:41

It's bound to be harsh. You signed up for life, he let you down. But you're doing the right thing. Keep going. You'll be fine.

postiepostie · 27/03/2019 08:45

Don't let him back in. It's over, torturing yourself won't help

MaybeDoctor · 27/03/2019 08:46

Lie down for a bit if you can?

Modern life tries to tell us that we can brush off shock and strong emotions, but you need to grieve.

Flowers
HotpotLawyer · 27/03/2019 08:52

I think you would benefit from a period of calm and maybe talk through your feelings with a counsellor. To explore and come to terms with your feelings about betrayal, loss, what you really want.

Then if, IF, you want to, have couples counselling.

Why not him move out for 3 or 6 months while this is going on?

He did one very very bad thing, and you seem to have been happy for the 6 years since? Or has he been lacking in other ways?

Love is hard to give up on. You may still actually love him, but need time to process your feelings on whether reconciliation might ever be a possibility, you might just be used to the habit of living with him. You need time and support to reflect.

ravenmum · 27/03/2019 08:54

I first guessed, and then knew all the details about the affair months before my exh moved out, so it was a relief when he did go, but I still wasn't "ready" for it. You have to come up with a whole new potential future while reimagining your entire past. It takes years to process.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/03/2019 09:08

Try to stay calm.

It’s GOOD he’s gone to sign the lease. It’s GOOD he’s moving out.

Just because he’s signed a lease doesn’t mean you can’t talk and it doesn’t mean you can’t work things out, IF you want to.

Not living together is far better if you really want to work through this, rather than shove it under the rug. If he had stayed things would either have blown up or been shoved, unresolved, under the rug because all you want to do is try to get over it and you can’t if you’re pretending it didn’t happen.

Putting the kids first does NOT mean staying together no matter what or sacrificing your own mental health.

Right now, don’t think past ‘we need some space’ - just get through him physically leaving. Make him take everything that’s his personally, don’t let him just take a few bits. He can’t see this situation as still him having his home with you and an additional batchelor pad.

Be calm because it’s not reversible IF in TIME you want him to come home. IF he’s genuinely remorseful that will be an option and if he ‘moves on’ your marriage would never have survived anyway.

So hold strong, you’re doing the right thing 🌷

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 27/03/2019 11:22

Well. It’s done. Luckily(???) he pissed me off massively just before he went to sign, so that’s made it somewhat easier to deal with.

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 28/03/2019 21:39

How are you now OP?

IncrediblySadToo · 28/03/2019 23:31

Yes, it does help when they piss you off!

When does he actually get the keys?

HaplessRomantic · 29/03/2019 00:00

"One minute we were happy as can be, then I found out, then I threw him out, then I left with the kids."

6 years ago is a long time ago and you've been happy since....he admitted his infidelity and must have done so as he had guilt instead of keeping it from you - which indicates remorse.

Rather than completely end your relationship have considered a trial seperation and counselling?

Original poster
Gingerknuts · 29/03/2019 09:59

Thanks for checking in. I’m ok. Returning to our home in about 4 days and feel ready to do so. We’re already discussing how we’ll split time with the kids.
I feel ok about being by myself but almost jealous that he’s walking away to a new home while I’m going to be picking up the pieces of our old life. The reality is that I get the best ‘prize’ of all because the kids will live with me (he is renting a single room in a shared place) and I get to stay in our lovely home, but i’m irritated that I feel like he’s won some kind of freedom, despite his awful actions.

We’ll almost certainly be having counselling if we can afford it, if only because I don’t yet feel I have the whole truth. I think ultimately I can never move on from what he did, sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerknuts · 29/03/2019 10:00

Just to add, he didn’t admit it. I discovered evidence of it and he lied through his teeth for 3 days to persuade me I was wrong, before finally realise the evidence was clear-cut.

OP posts:
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