My mother is a vile bitch who hates my husband and can't stop having a crack at me

[mslucy]

Just interested to hear from other posters what sort of relationships they have with their mothers.

Mine is quite frankly appalling.

My mother last night phoned for a chat - it was not a row (for once) and I managed not to lose my temper, though I was quite short with her.

She loathes dh with a passion and is constantly carping on about how useless he is, how awful he looks, how he's ginger (ffs!), how he's a weirdo etc etc etc.

He is a bit eccentric but I love him and I am also not one of life's conformists so we get on just fine.

I was also told:

a) I "used" to be pretty
b) How I had so much potential
c) How my flat is "grungy"
d) How when I miscarried a few years ago, I made "too much fuss" about it. This is from someone who always goes on about how she never forgave her own mother for being unsympathetic about miscarriage.
e) How I lead an alternative lifestyle - I have always worked, paid my bills, don't do drugs (ok I used to but not now), I am a home owner, I'm married and don't indulge in bizarre sex practices or keep a salve in the airing cupboard.
f) How my son would hate a sibling and how my obsessive love for him is subconsciously preventing me from conceiving.
Basically I'm not some kind of sloaney cow who spends her city wanker husband's bonus on colonic irrigation.

Should I just cut her out of my life forever or how would you suggest managing her?

[sugarmatches]

Firstly, I love my mother dearly. But she has never done anything in her life to derserve my love. I could go on and on about how much childhood was spent trying to get a bit of attention from whatever husband/boyfriend she had at the time, but that is an old story isn't it?

My dh and the kids recently went away to visit her in The States and I was told that she had been forced to leave her job because she had embezzled almost $30,000. She worked in a large bank and, not having the same criminal mind, I am still unsure how/why she would do something like this!! She is pathological in her refusal to believe she did anything wrong. She has done other things in the past and has always been a bit of a user. Manipulative at times.

She has been married six times and has had partners in between. Men usually suss out what she is like and run a mile and she is attractive enough to find other sucker in record time.

She has been living with my sister since the breakdown of her most recent marriage and my sister has been supporting her since she was fired in February (she still insists that she was not "fired" that she left voluntarily, but security was called to remove her from the building!!!). My sister is in tears every week because my mother is a heavy smoker and likes a drink. My mum has been stealing from my sister by taking her debit card a deliberatly going over her limit. My sister has $140 to pay off from the weekend alone. She has resorted to hiding her bag!! My baby sister has two kids and works hard for everything she has. Sad! Actually, it makes me ill to think of it!

Years ago when I was first moving to London from The US, she was caught stealing my maintenence payments from my dh. She contacted him and told him to send them to her and then she would forge my name and cash them. I was shocked, but thought it was a one off. It worked out to be $1000 that was money I lost. She stole from me! At the time she was married and had a large house, a new car and a very comfortable lifestyle. I had just moved here and was still living in a tiny flat with nothing! She didin't need it, which is why I think she is ill.

Well the newest twist is that the bank want the money back now and she is jobless and pretty much unemployable. She has threatened to kill herself unless we all pitch in and help to pay. My dh just laughed! Not funny I say. under the laws of the state where she lives, we are liable for everything she owes upon her death.

It is hard to say what she will do, but my sister and I can take no more.

I think some of you might criticise me for writing these things about my own mother. Do you know, it has actually made me feel so much better getting it all out as I have kept these feelings about my mum in for over 30 years! Having you mother cry and say she wishes she was dead is a form of child abuse...and I am 38 now!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I just love her because I so want her to love me and she never really has??? Who knows?
I have a great partner and lovely kids, so maybe it is just time to move on.
Sorry for the rant, but just wanted to share that maybe being in a realtionship with a toxic person (even a parent) is no good for anyone.

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

Bingo!

Thats it. i thyink I love my alcoholic, selfish, hateful parasitic parents because I have always wanted them to love me, and they dont. Or have a peculiar way of showing it.

I am such a people pleaser, always supporting and enabling. And I/ we put up with it to gain their love and respect.

Its not going to happen.

maybe a letter outling the things that hurt and the things you will no longer tolerate, so that if she calls and starts on your dh, you just say "Im going now, bye mum" and put the phone down.

Wanders off to make plan for self and mother...

[jangly]

Mslucy, you say"I don't have much to do with her really, considering she's only a few miles away.

I see her about once every two or three months."

Perhaps that's a part of it. She could be hurt that you are not including her in your life.

[DivaSkyChick]

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but Sugar Matches - who told you you'd be responsible for your mother's debt after she died???

Her "estate" could be sued for it but not her kids, unless you've got joint accounts with her? Speak to an attorney for your own peace of mind.

[Sakura]

jangly, you are so wrong. Please re-read the thread.

[Tortington]

its a shame rhubarb isn;t here anymore i think she would have had quite some input into this thread !!

[suzywong]

why isn't rhubarb here anymore, has she flounced?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Supermatches

Well I'm not going to criticise you. You certainly have a toxic parent; infact that lady is one of the worst examples of toxic parenting I've come across. If you've never read it I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Cutting her off completely in such circumstances is understandable. Such people are very damaged individuals and cannot or will not see the hurt they've caused.

Re your Mum's threats to kill herself this is likely bluster on her part and another effort to bring attention to herself. I would not think that you as an individual would be responsible for any debt (this money was embezzled from her employers) but her estate could be. I would also speak to an attorney for your own peace of mind.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sugarmatches,

I would also suggest you read the thread on the Relationships page called "My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry".

[TheMolesMother]

Another lurker stepping out of the shadows just to add a few words of support.

I'm 50. At the age of 26 I divorced both my parents. I don't regret it. Both were emotionally abusive and mother particularly so.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been in this horrible situation can possibly understand how it feels to know that the people who are supposed to love and care for you are the very people who are doing you the most damange. The decision was a matter of survival (literally) for me. Otherwise I think I'd have killed myself by now.

Mslucy, you must do what you think best for you, your dh and your family. If that means leaving your mother to stew in her own mess so bet it.

MM

[NorthernMusgrave]

Time to move on. Best advice anyone ever gave me was that my own family, i.e. my husband and kids, must always come first. They are your real and true family and it is your responsibility to put them and their needs first. If your extended family threatens their welfare, by spitefulness, or mental instability, or drugs or whatever then it is your duty to do whatever it takes to protect your immediate family.

My mother is mentally instable and a fruitcake. She lies, makes out she is Mother Theresa, causes trouble with everyone. So I keep my distance now, because of this my brother has cut me out of his life. That's fine by me. They can all dwell in their miserable little circle of negativity whilst I get on with my life and my family, making them happy and bringing them up with a degree of sanity and security.

If cutting your family out of your life is the only way you can achieve that, then that is what you have to do.

[1nnoc3nt]

Hi all,
I'm so relieved to have found this thread. I've grown up my entire life feeling guilty for even thinking my mother is a vile nasty cow, let alone saying it aloud! From the age of 5 I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by this woman who calls herself a mother. Sure, she changed my nappies, put food on the table (although I remember being often hungry as a child), and has let me stay at hers since I had no money, but she uses these acts of 'motherly' kindness as an excuse to justify the bullying she still carries out on me to this day -I am now 26.

I have reached the point where I don't care to work on this relationship anymore. I grew up very fast, and learnt to address issues and discuss feelings. I don't do screaming and shouting anymore, but the sad fact is, she does. It's the only way she can have power in a situation.

She yells verbal abuse at me and then when I defend myself it becomes her justification - yes! - She's right, I AM a nasty piece of work, see?

Unfortunately, no one but me seems to have been privy to this vile side of her character, as she is very good at playing the victim. When I try to stand up for myself I get called a bully and repeatedly shouted down until I give up.

I am sick of her antics and I am moving out this week (which was going to happen anyway, was just a matter of sorting out finances).

Not once has she made up for the way she dragged me up. Not once has she acknowledged her sacrificed right to call herself a mother when actually from the age of 12 I pretty much taught myself how NOT to be a 'product of my environment', by reading books and making friends with people who would respect me, and who I could respect.

I have given her many many chances, by sharing myself with her, actually opening up to her about her abuse, but time and time again it just comes down to this. I think she is demented, she just can't seem to hold a conversation, it always ends up with her shouting abuse and running away.

Well, I've come to accept that things will NEVER change. I wish I had recognized this earlier, like when I was a child, and after I'd been slapped about/abused, I was the one to go and apologize - as though it was my fault!!! (Note, I was always a quiet child, who liked to paint and play alone - wonder why... - but I was not a hyperactive attention seeking type of child).

The thing that maddens me most about it, is that the entire family sides with her - because they have not seen her nasty side. She saves that especially for me. And I knew it was going to happen this week, because a week ago my sister went on holiday. No holds barred when there's no witness, and she can single me out in private. Just like the old days, really, when Dad was out - that's when I'd get a slapping. She didn't just smack my bottom like you do a naughty child - (as I say I wasn't really a naughty kid), but she's slap me hard around the face and physically shove me around, from the age of 5, as well as threatening me with cigarettes, knives, large objects, the police (!lol!)...etc etc etc. This woman is a lunatic psychopath who doesn't even know what she's thinking, let alone saying. I used to feel sorry for her, now I just feel nothing.


Sorry for this extra long thread. Anyone out there who knows what this is like I would be very interested to hear about.

[Amethyst8]

Anyone who found this thread helpful please check out previous thread entitled My - Mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry. Was a life line for me.

[mytwopenceworth]

You don't 'owe' someone anything because of an accident of birth.

If someone is toxic, you do not have to have them in your life. You don't have to suffer them or plan how to deal with the aftermath and the pain of contact with them. That's masochism.

The whole 'they gave birth to you' argument, is, in my opinion, totally arseways on.

Yes, they gave birth to you - so if anything, they should love you unconditionally. IMO, you don't owe someone anything because you share their genetic material.

You owe someone something if they help you when they don't have to. If they listen to you and support you. If they love you and are there for you, when they don't have to be.

You don't owe someone for changing your nappy when you were a baby. It's what they have a duty to do, if they choose - yes - they choose, to keep you.

So if someone with whom you happen to share genetic material, causes you nothing but pain......close the door on them and live your life.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that someone who any normal person would expect to give love and support, instead causes pain. Once you can accept that as truth, and understand that they don't do it because of you, or anything you have done; that it is them, not you, you can walk away and stop these thoughts of duty, and owing, and I MUST keep this person in my life, regardless the cost to me and my family -(that's your other half and your kids, btw).

And I know what I'm talking about, because I've done it, and it's liberating.

[Amethyst8]

Just realised someone already did a link to that thread.

[ally90]

And yet more and more people appear who have cut their mother/family out of their lives...

Where do you all hide! I hid too for years, was a relief to find the other thread and this one is amazing me with the sense written on it about abusive mothers/families, so much so I've been copying it to MS Word to reread and imprint on my memory!

I cut my mother off (my sister and my father) due to emotional abuse. I know, I know ONLY emotional abuse. A view my therapist shared. But I'm okay, 18 mths later, and I'm surviving fine. Better than fine. I'm gradually sorting out my 'issues', mostly with trusting people. I don't scream and shout and get upset and frustrated anymore. Still get nightmares about my mother being near me and dd, more frequently lately, but their just dreams. I'm not letting her come anywhere near us again because I'm happier without her. I wanted to cut her off when I became suicidal (9/10 yrs old) due to her and sisters bullying of me. Its not just me being spiteful and nasty as she told my dh on the doorstep when our dd was 2 days old. I just never had the guts to do anything before, it was being pg that made me realise I had to stop the abuse NOW.

Does anyone TRULY and HONESTLY think that we cut our mothers out of our lives, just because we can? Because of spite? Thoughtlessness? Callousness? Really? Have you read the heartache that we have gone thro to reach that decision? Do you think we just wake up one day and think 'I'll just cut off my mum today.' Do you think we have not been provoked by them a thousand times when at our most vunerable ages and times of our lives that has led to this huge, lifechanging decision? Have you never had an abusive relationship? Or are you a person to say 'well my mother did x y and z and I'M OKAY' Sure you are. You say that and I know you have suffered too, your just unable to admit it. And one day you will. Probably too late, but we will still be here on mn, but moving on with our lives and becoming the people we were always meant too be.

Anyway, having gone off on a ranting tangent there Mslucy...try a complete separation, letter telling her of unacceptable behaviour and what you do WANT from her ie loving, kind, nurturing (basically being a mother... and let her make her CHOICE on where she wants to go with it. Leave the ball in her court. Must say I too (I should not have included myself in statement above...oops) don't feel anything towards my mother, or father or sister, just completely numb. Did have heartache growing up...but at 16 I realised what was going on and I think that is where the numbness stemmed from. V frustrating...feel I should greive but just glad she's not around anymore to hurt me.

Let us know how you are getting on, on this thread or the other one

BTW I'm impressed how you took care of yourself as you grew up (mothered yourself?).

take care
xxx

[Sakura]

1nnoc3nt, God I can relate so much to what you wrote, everything really (including being hungry a lot!). Try the other thread, its really worth it, and it was so helpful to me and still is. I shouldnT but I did supress a smile when you said she is demented. Its just that I feel exactly the same and we grew up believing our mothers were okaybecause its all we knew, and then we compare them to normal mothers and well, their behaviour just has to be explained as insanity. Except they say that people with thesetoxic personlity disorder <span class="italic">can</span> actually be held accountable for their actions because deep down they <span class="italic">do</span> know that what theyRe doing is wrong, but they hate themselves so much that they cant help it. Its not you she hates, its herself and because youre her daughter she sees too much of herself in you.
I have blocked out large chunks of my childhood but I get flashbacks now and again triggered by certain things, and then I remember the overwhelming sense of HATRED that I got from her. LIke I was the most despised thing she had ever come accross in her life.
NOw I have my own gorgeous little innocent daughter and realise that my mum was lacking in a lot of things, and that it wasnt me that she hated. I see myself as an 11 month old like my daughter is now, trusting and innocent and curious and just adorable and just think HOW, WHY could you despise your own baby. <br /> I wish I could rise above it and be the grown up but the pain is so incredibly real that I think that contacting her would drive me over the edge. IVe got a nice life for myself now in a foreign country (where she canT turn up and wreck it). I have friends, a car, time for my hobbies, a part time job, and Im actually living for the first time in my life instead of just existing in some abyss of depression.
NO WAY on God`s earth would I ever go back to how I was before and the person I was when I was in contact with her.
Its hard to raise a child without your mother around to help out once in a while, but its a lot easier than anything she could put me through.

[Olympia2012]

How has this been bumped?

[stealthsquiggle]

Finger trouble, much, MNHQ?

[TunipTheVegemal]

I think they've accidentally stickied it too....!

[HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans]

[DilysPrice]

And stickied apparently.

TECH!!!!!!!!

[oikopolis]

nothing like a bit of thread necromancy

[mistressploppy]

Oopsie

[GrimmaTheNome]

Has anyone hit report yet?