My mother is a vile bitch who hates my husband and can't stop having a crack at me

[mslucy]

Just interested to hear from other posters what sort of relationships they have with their mothers.

Mine is quite frankly appalling.

My mother last night phoned for a chat - it was not a row (for once) and I managed not to lose my temper, though I was quite short with her.

She loathes dh with a passion and is constantly carping on about how useless he is, how awful he looks, how he's ginger (ffs!), how he's a weirdo etc etc etc.

He is a bit eccentric but I love him and I am also not one of life's conformists so we get on just fine.

I was also told:

a) I "used" to be pretty
b) How I had so much potential
c) How my flat is "grungy"
d) How when I miscarried a few years ago, I made "too much fuss" about it. This is from someone who always goes on about how she never forgave her own mother for being unsympathetic about miscarriage.
e) How I lead an alternative lifestyle - I have always worked, paid my bills, don't do drugs (ok I used to but not now), I am a home owner, I'm married and don't indulge in bizarre sex practices or keep a salve in the airing cupboard.
f) How my son would hate a sibling and how my obsessive love for him is subconsciously preventing me from conceiving.
Basically I'm not some kind of sloaney cow who spends her city wanker husband's bonus on colonic irrigation.

Should I just cut her out of my life forever or how would you suggest managing her?

[KARABEN]

Hi has anyone left any advice ?

[ArthurDentsSpaceTowel]

Karaben - Start your own thread.

[KARABEN]

Please can anyone kindly advise me on my mum as I carnt find the strength to even spk to her as when my hubby took the overdose she laughed and said attention seeker about him and she didnt care .she never supported me throughout the days he was in hospital I was sad and felt alone had nobody as my grown up kids live with me but are useless

[KARABEN]

Hi can anyone give me advise.my husband borrowed 600 pounds from my mother towards a car he took the money back and now shes denying he gave it her.shes told my brother in norway that hes stole it and spoke to her abusively yet she was abusive to him.all my life shes put me down favoured my younger brother calls me to my grown up children has never been there for me as I suffer very bad anxiety and depression.my husband took an overdose this wkd gone and has just come out of hospital .this due to my mother calling him a liar and a thief.yet my hubby took her shopping every wednesday did all her house up fitted a kitchen etc as shes a widow relied on him for 18 years doing everything for her as my brother lives in norway never done anything for mum but gets praised. She has never been a supportive mother to me and I need advice desperately jackie

[sereneswan]

My relationship with mine is pretty much decades of seething hatred and discfunctionality that is mostly kept swept under the carpet now.

My mother has taken against every single man I've ever even looked at. I have no idea why. She seems to enjoy it. To start with the hated DH because he was 10 yrs older than me and 'poor' (read: not a banker). When we got engaged she threw a fit and told me I'd 'ruined Christmas'. When I later mentioned that we'd probably get married just by ourselves in a registry office she also threw a fit, insisted on coming, took over and ruined the whole thing in various ways.

Other cr*p I've had over the years includes her telling me I was fat when I was a 6 stone teenager. Then being furious with me when I got eating issues. Repeated violence and then repeated attempts to brand me deluded and mad for 'imagining' this, plus constant control, sneering and criticism.
I now am expected to be her sole support in her 3-decade plus warfare with my dad who she loathes but refuses to leave because if she did she would have no one left to make miserable and no one to blame for being miserable herself.

I've spent most of my twenties grieving for the fact I will never have a normal family (it really hit me in adulthood, for some reason) and slowly undoing the unhealthy thought and behavioural patterns I'd learned from her. I have also wished I could cut contact with her. I basically think of her as ill and just bite my tongue a lot. I don't learn to deal with it, I still get angry, but I've learned to built mental barriers so it doesn't actually harm me.

I really sympathise.

[OliviaLMumsnet]

THIS IS A VERY OLD THREAD WHICH HAS BEEN BUMPED QUITE BY ACCIDENT.
I WILL DRAW A LINE HERE NOW.

THANKS
MNHQ

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

jane, tb : This thread lived and died in 2007, and has been resurrected by some tech fluke.

Replies to the OP in May 2012 are unlikely to help her.

Good thread, though.

[janelikesjam]

Hi OP,

Once therapy has helped confront relationships with abusive or neglectful parents , the only question that remains (as an adult) is whether this relationship is beneficial to you in the here and now?

I only do what benefits me in my relationship with my mother now. I assert myself or withdraw in the face of any 'crap', and I also make sure she helps me sometimes in ways that suit me. Thats the deal really.

[tb]

cylonbabe evil to cut off your relationship with your mother? WTF? How dare you put your half-baked ideas onto the op?

Suggest you read the threads on relationships about people abused as children, often by their mothers, dear or otherwise.

Sorry, op, don't what to hijack your thread, but my 'd'm suffered from bpd/npd was a vicious thieving, lying, cheating, paedophile who should have never been allowed to draw breath. And breathe.

[GrimmaTheNome]

Has anyone hit report yet?

[mistressploppy]

Oopsie

[oikopolis]

nothing like a bit of thread necromancy

[DilysPrice]

And stickied apparently.

TECH!!!!!!!!

[HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans]

[TunipTheVegemal]

I think they've accidentally stickied it too....!

[stealthsquiggle]

Finger trouble, much, MNHQ?

[Olympia2012]

How has this been bumped?

[Sakura]

1nnoc3nt, God I can relate so much to what you wrote, everything really (including being hungry a lot!). Try the other thread, its really worth it, and it was so helpful to me and still is. I shouldnT but I did supress a smile when you said she is demented. Its just that I feel exactly the same and we grew up believing our mothers were okaybecause its all we knew, and then we compare them to normal mothers and well, their behaviour just has to be explained as insanity. Except they say that people with thesetoxic personlity disorder <span class="italic">can</span> actually be held accountable for their actions because deep down they <span class="italic">do</span> know that what theyRe doing is wrong, but they hate themselves so much that they cant help it. Its not you she hates, its herself and because youre her daughter she sees too much of herself in you.
I have blocked out large chunks of my childhood but I get flashbacks now and again triggered by certain things, and then I remember the overwhelming sense of HATRED that I got from her. LIke I was the most despised thing she had ever come accross in her life.
NOw I have my own gorgeous little innocent daughter and realise that my mum was lacking in a lot of things, and that it wasnt me that she hated. I see myself as an 11 month old like my daughter is now, trusting and innocent and curious and just adorable and just think HOW, WHY could you despise your own baby. <br /> I wish I could rise above it and be the grown up but the pain is so incredibly real that I think that contacting her would drive me over the edge. IVe got a nice life for myself now in a foreign country (where she canT turn up and wreck it). I have friends, a car, time for my hobbies, a part time job, and Im actually living for the first time in my life instead of just existing in some abyss of depression.
NO WAY on God`s earth would I ever go back to how I was before and the person I was when I was in contact with her.
Its hard to raise a child without your mother around to help out once in a while, but its a lot easier than anything she could put me through.

[ally90]

And yet more and more people appear who have cut their mother/family out of their lives...

Where do you all hide! I hid too for years, was a relief to find the other thread and this one is amazing me with the sense written on it about abusive mothers/families, so much so I've been copying it to MS Word to reread and imprint on my memory!

I cut my mother off (my sister and my father) due to emotional abuse. I know, I know ONLY emotional abuse. A view my therapist shared. But I'm okay, 18 mths later, and I'm surviving fine. Better than fine. I'm gradually sorting out my 'issues', mostly with trusting people. I don't scream and shout and get upset and frustrated anymore. Still get nightmares about my mother being near me and dd, more frequently lately, but their just dreams. I'm not letting her come anywhere near us again because I'm happier without her. I wanted to cut her off when I became suicidal (9/10 yrs old) due to her and sisters bullying of me. Its not just me being spiteful and nasty as she told my dh on the doorstep when our dd was 2 days old. I just never had the guts to do anything before, it was being pg that made me realise I had to stop the abuse NOW.

Does anyone TRULY and HONESTLY think that we cut our mothers out of our lives, just because we can? Because of spite? Thoughtlessness? Callousness? Really? Have you read the heartache that we have gone thro to reach that decision? Do you think we just wake up one day and think 'I'll just cut off my mum today.' Do you think we have not been provoked by them a thousand times when at our most vunerable ages and times of our lives that has led to this huge, lifechanging decision? Have you never had an abusive relationship? Or are you a person to say 'well my mother did x y and z and I'M OKAY' Sure you are. You say that and I know you have suffered too, your just unable to admit it. And one day you will. Probably too late, but we will still be here on mn, but moving on with our lives and becoming the people we were always meant too be.

Anyway, having gone off on a ranting tangent there Mslucy...try a complete separation, letter telling her of unacceptable behaviour and what you do WANT from her ie loving, kind, nurturing (basically being a mother... and let her make her CHOICE on where she wants to go with it. Leave the ball in her court. Must say I too (I should not have included myself in statement above...oops) don't feel anything towards my mother, or father or sister, just completely numb. Did have heartache growing up...but at 16 I realised what was going on and I think that is where the numbness stemmed from. V frustrating...feel I should greive but just glad she's not around anymore to hurt me.

Let us know how you are getting on, on this thread or the other one

BTW I'm impressed how you took care of yourself as you grew up (mothered yourself?).

take care
xxx

[Amethyst8]

Just realised someone already did a link to that thread.

[mytwopenceworth]

You don't 'owe' someone anything because of an accident of birth.

If someone is toxic, you do not have to have them in your life. You don't have to suffer them or plan how to deal with the aftermath and the pain of contact with them. That's masochism.

The whole 'they gave birth to you' argument, is, in my opinion, totally arseways on.

Yes, they gave birth to you - so if anything, they should love you unconditionally. IMO, you don't owe someone anything because you share their genetic material.

You owe someone something if they help you when they don't have to. If they listen to you and support you. If they love you and are there for you, when they don't have to be.

You don't owe someone for changing your nappy when you were a baby. It's what they have a duty to do, if they choose - yes - they choose, to keep you.

So if someone with whom you happen to share genetic material, causes you nothing but pain......close the door on them and live your life.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that someone who any normal person would expect to give love and support, instead causes pain. Once you can accept that as truth, and understand that they don't do it because of you, or anything you have done; that it is them, not you, you can walk away and stop these thoughts of duty, and owing, and I MUST keep this person in my life, regardless the cost to me and my family -(that's your other half and your kids, btw).

And I know what I'm talking about, because I've done it, and it's liberating.

[Amethyst8]

Anyone who found this thread helpful please check out previous thread entitled My - Mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry. Was a life line for me.

[1nnoc3nt]

Hi all,
I'm so relieved to have found this thread. I've grown up my entire life feeling guilty for even thinking my mother is a vile nasty cow, let alone saying it aloud! From the age of 5 I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by this woman who calls herself a mother. Sure, she changed my nappies, put food on the table (although I remember being often hungry as a child), and has let me stay at hers since I had no money, but she uses these acts of 'motherly' kindness as an excuse to justify the bullying she still carries out on me to this day -I am now 26.

I have reached the point where I don't care to work on this relationship anymore. I grew up very fast, and learnt to address issues and discuss feelings. I don't do screaming and shouting anymore, but the sad fact is, she does. It's the only way she can have power in a situation.

She yells verbal abuse at me and then when I defend myself it becomes her justification - yes! - She's right, I AM a nasty piece of work, see?

Unfortunately, no one but me seems to have been privy to this vile side of her character, as she is very good at playing the victim. When I try to stand up for myself I get called a bully and repeatedly shouted down until I give up.

I am sick of her antics and I am moving out this week (which was going to happen anyway, was just a matter of sorting out finances).

Not once has she made up for the way she dragged me up. Not once has she acknowledged her sacrificed right to call herself a mother when actually from the age of 12 I pretty much taught myself how NOT to be a 'product of my environment', by reading books and making friends with people who would respect me, and who I could respect.

I have given her many many chances, by sharing myself with her, actually opening up to her about her abuse, but time and time again it just comes down to this. I think she is demented, she just can't seem to hold a conversation, it always ends up with her shouting abuse and running away.

Well, I've come to accept that things will NEVER change. I wish I had recognized this earlier, like when I was a child, and after I'd been slapped about/abused, I was the one to go and apologize - as though it was my fault!!! (Note, I was always a quiet child, who liked to paint and play alone - wonder why... - but I was not a hyperactive attention seeking type of child).

The thing that maddens me most about it, is that the entire family sides with her - because they have not seen her nasty side. She saves that especially for me. And I knew it was going to happen this week, because a week ago my sister went on holiday. No holds barred when there's no witness, and she can single me out in private. Just like the old days, really, when Dad was out - that's when I'd get a slapping. She didn't just smack my bottom like you do a naughty child - (as I say I wasn't really a naughty kid), but she's slap me hard around the face and physically shove me around, from the age of 5, as well as threatening me with cigarettes, knives, large objects, the police (!lol!)...etc etc etc. This woman is a lunatic psychopath who doesn't even know what she's thinking, let alone saying. I used to feel sorry for her, now I just feel nothing.


Sorry for this extra long thread. Anyone out there who knows what this is like I would be very interested to hear about.

[NorthernMusgrave]

Time to move on. Best advice anyone ever gave me was that my own family, i.e. my husband and kids, must always come first. They are your real and true family and it is your responsibility to put them and their needs first. If your extended family threatens their welfare, by spitefulness, or mental instability, or drugs or whatever then it is your duty to do whatever it takes to protect your immediate family.

My mother is mentally instable and a fruitcake. She lies, makes out she is Mother Theresa, causes trouble with everyone. So I keep my distance now, because of this my brother has cut me out of his life. That's fine by me. They can all dwell in their miserable little circle of negativity whilst I get on with my life and my family, making them happy and bringing them up with a degree of sanity and security.

If cutting your family out of your life is the only way you can achieve that, then that is what you have to do.